Sparrows chirped, starting the Saturday morning. Hongbin were mentally awoken, but his eyes refused to open. He drift himself back to sleep; back to his beauty dreams. The dreams that he believed it was real, live in dreams were so much easier, the world where he didn’t have to let go what is his, again.

‘Hongbin! You’ll be late to work.’

It panged his mind to wake up deliberately. Why is that voice coming again?

He ran his fingers to his messy hair frustratingly. Usually, he doesn’t go to work on Saturday. But how hard he tried to shoo away the voice, it keep comes nearer to his ears.

‘I’m going to the park, okay.’

“NO! Don’t go!” He yelled, to nothing but the air that surrounds the room, then silence continues.

His chest heaved up and down heavily; his body became hefty. Deep sighed coming out his mouth like a steam train.

He didn’t recognize the first day of fall will be this cold, even when the cooler was turned off. He lost the warmth.

He also didn’t remember his room is empty; remains only perforated plain-white wall with few dark rectangle stains. Oh right, he has moved some photos last night.

 

-----

 

He sat down in a café for having breakfast. The fact he usually have breakfast in his house. But today the house is colder and he is uncomfortable with it, and eventually his feet was drifted to a random coffee store, just like the white snow shallowly floating to his table and thawed into cold droplets.

It makes his heart clutched tightly, as the memories of Maya and him echoing like a never ending movie. He hates everything, he thinks anything about life is now comparable to his past. Knowing that he is used to have a life back in the day when their friendship was still alive.

Vacancy, that is all. Having a little friend wouldn’t make him change. Basically, he needs only few of them.

Hongbin sipped his warm latte and open the first page of the morning newspaper, craving to forget how much thought he had these days. Letting the bitterness of coffee and monotonic color on the paper will fill the emotional hunger.

It is not okay, when people asks him. He lost contact with Maya after their friendship is gone, and he had no one else to go, since he lost the relationship.

But it is okay though, having himself standing on the static point, never wants to go except the time will give him another change to let his feeling reveal sincerely to her, now it was too late, regret was taking over the guilt.

 

-----

 

Hongbin walked down from road to road. He didn’t straightly head to his house, he chose farther track instead. Because he knows, he will do nothing when he is home. He is not accustomed yet, after Maya left him in the used-to-be a small world for both of them, but now the town expands, providing distance for Hongbin and Maya.

‘Hongbin! Your home is on this way’

He stopped his steps between people on the intersection. He heard her voice again, why is she haunting him like this? Though people are surrounding him, her voice clearly resounds into his hearing.

Hurts.

All he did was hanging his head low and smiled to the ground beneath him before he walked again without looking back to Maya who is staring at him sadly.

 

-----

 

“Hongbin, do you have business today, you usually don’t come on Saturday” Ken—his current partner in office—asked. Though Ken is Hongbin’s senior, but Ken is one of his friend too. He was chosen to replace Maya’s place as Hongbin’s work partner after she quit her job.

Hongbin tilted upward from his computer, he didn’t utter a word but a small rejection to open his mouth. He won’t tell anyone he is okay, in the other hand rather than shows he is not okay, he didn’t talk to people. Since Maya left, Hongbin have no one he trust to describe himself honestly. Even when Ken offer his hand to Hongbin, he won’t take it, he’s too fragile to trust people again.

When will you stop being like this Hongbin. He sometimes asks in his heart, when he’s afraid one day he will forget how to show his emotion when he keep his secret all by himself.

But fear is fear.

“I thought today is Maya’s birthday”

-----

 

Thunder comes, wind blows and furls cloud into big dark lumps as it blows through Hongbin’s face who is just walked outside his office. Strange. He felt, skies is crying on the first day of fall.

He caught a glimpse of Maya from the corner of his eyes. Maybe, Ken is right. He is doing what he unusually does. Maybe Maya is waiting for him to visit her on her birthday. What kind of friend who purposely forget their friend’s birthday. Maya might have hated him for forgetting her birthday twice.

‘Hongbin, let’s eat! Today is my treat’

He can’t stand that voice is always with him, didn’t care how hard he tries to eliminate it.

 

-----

 

His feet stopped swinging when he caught a small flower shop between melancholic portraits of Seoul. Usually flowers don’t bloom on fall—at least yet. A glimpse of a girl with white dress that ends few inches above her knees smiling to Hongbin with a bucket of white rose in her hand.

Hongbin wants to small back at her, but he only smiled to the air.

Let’s meet again Maya. With that thought, he entered the flower shop and bought a pretty bucket of white roses.

 

-----

 

A step means huge for Hongbin. Before skies drops its burden and wet the Earth Hongbin have already plant massive feeling on every step he took, as he wish rain will wash it with them.

Heavy. His steps becomes weighty as he passes one by one headstones. He tried to ignore the air that is choking his throat when he stopped in front of a particular gravestone. His eyes heat up. With shaking hand, he placed the ivory flowers—her favorite, her resembling God’s creature.

The sky finally drops uncountable drops of water. Hongbin looked up, he didn’t understand why it’s crying on her birthday.

“even the skies is crying for loosing you” he whispered in pain.

Now he can see—again—his best friend in white dress grabbing a bucket of white roses. Her dress is synonymous with the flowers. He is standing in front of him without rain wet her body. Her smiles that’s very addictive to every male, her eyes curved downward like rainbow and her smooth hair falling like silk blanket.

It very much aches his heart. He approached her hand yet he waved the rain and air. He misses them, after 2 years of silence relationship he never really says he lost it. That he lost his only best friend. But now, it reveals the eternal dreams that he never wake from.

“TTEONAJIMA, JEBAL!!!” (DON’T LEAVE ME, PLEASE) He screams between the storms.

“nan tteonaji aneunda.” (I will not leave) for a moment Hongbin froze. The voice was so clear, too real.

---

 

It was so sweet that I had a terrible nightmare
We had started everything from the beginning
You’re not here but everything is the same
In this dream the moment you left me

A cruel night is endlessly coming to me
I close my eyes again, taking me back to that dream