We stood next to each other on the train, trying not to look at each other. The sunlight shone through the windows. I didn’t dare look at him, fearing I would cry any moment. All I did was stare into space, somehow hoping that our time together would last a little longer. I breathed calmly; hoping my mind would be just as calm. Then, he took my hand and smiled. I smiled back but pulled away. Surely he knew how much pain it would have caused me just by holding his hand.

I could feel his eyes, watching my every move. I ignored them. I wished he would stop because it was making me feel dizzy with sadness. I closed my eyes, breathing rapidly. I thought I was going to cry. Go away tears. Go away. I felt myself move, moving right next to Luhan, my shoulders were right next to his, sticking close like glue. My eyes gazed down at our feet. I measured them and then thought.

How many years had we been together? How many exactly? Ten? Twelve? That’s right we were together for almost ten years. We had ventured the odds, grew in size and mind. Now, he’s a man and I’m… I’m still this little girl refusing to let go. I didn’t show it to him but I hoped that he would stay. The train speakers boomed out our location, we bustled out with the other passengers. I looked back, the doors were closing. I wanted my feelings to ride away with the train and never come back. Then, I wouldn’t have to feel this… pain. I gazed up at the hanging clock.

5:00 pm

Luhan pulled me on but my eyes were glued onto the clock. I watched the second hand tick by. My heart was palpitating. Time… please stop that was what I thought about on and on until we reached the beach.

The sand wasn’t as white as it was before; instead it was a murky gray like gravel. The sea was dull and dark, like a storm was to come. This place wasn’t as beautiful as it was the last time around.

No, the truth was that the beach was never beautiful from the start. It was only beautiful because he was there, smiling at me. I walked ahead of him, smelling the sea breeze. Too salty, I cringed.

This sea was definitely not the one we went to, where everything was perfect. It was too different here. I turned my head abruptly towards Luhan. He was lying down on the checker mat. Luhan moved and gave me a space. I sat down.

An awkward silence was between us before I dared to open my mouth to ask a question, knowing the answer so well.

“When are you coming back?” He looked at me, as if hoping that he wouldn’t need to say the answer for me to know. Luhan sighed.

“I don’t think I’m coming back at all, Kangli. Not soon at least,”

“Oh,” I could feel my tears coming back. I knew it and yet, I couldn’t face it. Why did he ever pass the auditions