warning; slight angst (?) , mentions of and typos.

The clock continues to tick as the heater emitted a generous batch of warm air and it was definitely odd to deal with the fact that the entire room was still icy cold. Mark lay with his back heavily pressed against the mattress. He was staring at the blemished ceiling for a couple of hours now, not even bothering to avert his sight. He had been trying to get a good, short sleep but unfortunately, he wasn’t able to drift to slumber. It’s not that the pillows aren’t soft or the thick, damp mattress; it’s something that has nothing to do with any material thing. It’s something that a keeps him awake every single night.

A tear suddenly escaped from his left eye; something that he does most of the nights. His breathing became unsteady alongside with his raging heartbeat. All of a sudden, a familiar arm pulled him closer. At the point, all he could feel was fear. He’s afraid that he might not be strong enough to fight the urge of falling. The man’s arm was warm against Mark’s bare body; as warm as how it was few hours ago.

 There was no particular reason for him to act that way. After all, it’s just a job. Mark works as an in a nearby motel every night and attends college during the morning. It has become his stable routine for the first 3 years of his college life. He never complained because after all, it’s all for his own good. At first, he thought that entering this kind of life was the biggest mistake that he did. But as the years gone by, he realized that there were more instances that would break him and destroy the wall that he made during all the restless days. Different men, same feelings; disgust and anxiety.

He was okay with it. He earns and uses his money to pay for his extra expenses. For his last year in college, Mark came up with a decision to stop working and turn his back against that gloomy chapter of his life. He even set his last day but all his plans changed when Park Jinyoung came. The night when Jinyoung had him completely, when their sanities gone wild; Mark knew it. He lastly made another hasty, ill-founded decision.

After that night, Jinyoung left a huge amount of money and Mark took it. With all his surprise, Mark came up with a choice of staying in his chosen profession for another week. He kept on convincing himself that it’s not because of Jinyoung. But to be honest, he was tightly hoping that Jinyoung would come back. He doesn’t care if that man would use him over and over again. The next night, Jinyoung returned and looked for Mark. It wasn’t for . Jinyoung bought Mark to a nearby park. Mark wondered why but Jinyoung just said that Mark needs to unwind and feel the pleasure that a rough bed session can never give. A kind of happiness found in simple things.

Since high school, Mark never laid his eyes on other men. It was always Jinyoung. Sadly, the boy was too busy looking at his books instead of him. He chose to love Jinyoung in silence; because in silence, no one would steal him away, there’s no rejection to be heard and it’s more convenient. He never had the guts to come close to the other. That’s why Jinyoung wasn’t aware of his existence. After their high school graduation, Mark felt so alone. It broke him much more as he tried to cope with the reality that Jinyoung will no longer be reachable.

Mark created a wall; a wall that had gone through a lot of war. It was still strong and firm but not until Jinyoung slowly, painfully, gently destroyed it. As Jinyoung entered his life once again, Mark controlled all his feelings especially when Jinyoung once mentioned about his boyfriend, Jaebum, who was studying in Berlin. He did his best to pick the shattered pieces and form another wall but at the end, Jinyoung was always there. He perfectly wrecks everything until Mark was no longer able to find a chipped portion and start again.

Going out every night became a habit for the two. The only difference was Mark asked Jinyoung to stop paying since they’ve established a great friendship. For months, they started going out. Typical movie dates, dinners and late night walks. Sometimes, they would feed their needs and make out. Mark feels the love in every move. It made him feel that Jinyoung is made for him, not for Jaebum.

This night, Mark decided to finally put an end to everything. He can no longer take the pain of loving a man that loves someone else. He wasn’t in the right place to ask Jinyoung to leave Jaebum. He’s just a friend, a reliever or worst, a past time. They’ve been in this state for almost half a year and Mark was more than tired of it. Jinyoung seemed to be ignorant of all the agony. But the way that Jinyoung hugs him, the way they kiss and all; it gives him more reasons to fight for it.

Jinyoung’s warm skin was attached against his as Mark looked at him. He’s deeply sleeping with his arms curled on Mark’s waist. The elder one placed a gentle peck on Jinyoung’s forehead as the continued sobbing. If he could just change the world, he would be the sunshine in Jinyoung’s eyes. If he could just turn back time, he’ll make Jinyoung his. If he could wish for something, he’ll wish that Jinyoung would just leave Jaebum and love him instead.

Mark’s willing to trade everything for Jinyoung’s love. He can give up everything for the other. For years, he never pictured himself with another person except the man beside him, hugging him securely. He wanted to confess but it will surely create a huge gap between them and Mark doesn’t want that. He’s just in love with Jinyoung and he will never know.  Slowly, the pulled himself away from Jinyoung’s grip and stood up, looking for his neglected clothes on the cold ground.

With a heavy heart, Mark wore his garments back while crying. After this night, he might start avoiding the other. The glanced at the mirror just to see how swollen his eyes were. Later, he stepped out of the comfort room and moved back to the bed, stared at Jinyoung for one last time before leaving. He halted his tears from bursting again. It was just uncontrollable. He started moving away. He was almost near the door.

“Why are you leaving?” a voice from behind called. Mark bit his lips as he cried harder. With a messy appearance, he faced Jinyoung.

“I’m leaving because you never asked me to stay.”

After a day without any trace of Jinyoung on his path, Mark was torn between moving on and hoping. He’s not doing any good in school, he became grumpy to everyone and began crying to sleep at night. His family and friends got worried but he would always assure them that he’s fine.  All the longing came to an end when Jinyoung abruptly grabbed his wrist while he was walking on the way home from school. They remained silent inside the car as Jinyoung drove towards his house. As they reached the place, Jinyoung pulled Mark inside his room and the rest were just hours filled with love and burning affection.

They laid thereafter; Mark’s head on Jinyoung’s bare chest. Jinyoung ruffled Mark’s brown locks. “I already broke up with him 3 months ago.” He calmly stated, earning a low questioning sound from Mark. “What? Why do you have to keep it from me?” he intrigued, confused. They’ve been going out for 4 months and it confused him even more. He looked at Jinyoung for a couple of seconds before hearing a response. Jinyoung pulled him closer and kissed his temple.

“Because I found the right person for me.” he stated. Jinyoung allowed a tear to escape from his eyes as he watched how Mark’s eyes began to water as well. He beamed while cupping the cheeks of the other. “And it’s you, Mark.”

Mark stayed silent for a while. Every word was slowly immersing in his brain and his heart was just fluttering. It was too surreal. He recalled how Jinyoung kept on avoiding any topic related to Jaebum. “You’re not kidding me right?” he asked as tears of joy rolled down his cheeks.

“Hey! I’m serious. Apparently, I’m still in the process of gathering a lot of courage and the day that you left me inside the hotel room, I realized that maybe today is the right time. I’m sorry if it took too long.”

Mark chuckled. He kissed Jinyoung’s lips and let out a sigh of relief. “Not a problem.”

Jinyoung took a deep breath after pulling out from the kiss. “Stay in my life, Mark. I’m begging you to stay.” He muttered after making another gentle and love-filled peck on Mark’s plump lips.

Mark nodded. “I will never leave you again, Jinyoung.”