Hanbin finds himself breaking too easily these days. With the final match around the corner, it takes much effort to stop himself from either blowing up into a ball of rage or turning into a crying mess.

It's not that everything's a mess. It's the total opposite. Everything's running so smoothly - vocal arrangements, choreographies - that it feels like the calm before the storm.

He's afraid.

As much as he trusts his Team B members that they'll make it through, it worries him.

Especially after what happened on the previous match where Yunhyeong lost. It was Jinhwan's second experience of losing, too. So he puts the blame on himself and it hurts Hanbin to see his hyung feeling like that. 

Not to mention Junhwe's confidence level slowly falling down after what happened. It takes Donghyuk to pester him until he's too annoyed to think of his confidence level to stop him from being such a baby. 

He can't blame him though. Because this whole concept of battling out each other has been ridiculous from the start. He didn't remember signing up for this. Then again, what could he do? 

His short escapade was captured on an episode of their survival program. s said that it's their first time experiencing it but it's definitely not his first time running off like that.

He was just more careful before.

Some days he find it hard to doze off to sleep. Closing his eyes is easy, but sleeping is another challenge of its own league. After surviving a few days without sleep, sleeping has become a chore than something that he must do to stay alive and kicking. He'll flip left and right on that small space called his bed, trying hard to sleep but he'll give up eventually, scrambling off the bed, making too much noise until it wakes up a certain rapper with hair that could pass as a bird's nest. With eyes barely opened (but it is, Hanbin knows), they'll lock their gaze for a few second but Hanbin would exit the room and shuts the door closed with a click before the other guy could say anything.

Then he'll go to any place that his foot would lead him. It's usually along the Han river, since it only takes a few minutes walk from their dorm. Most of the times, he'll find himself sitting on an empty bench, eyes focused on the calm waters as moments of his time together with his precious members resurfaces on the body of water. Other times he'll sit on the grass, face hidden behind his knees while small crystal-like droplets of tears stream down his cheek. It'll flow naturally like a stream of water at the mountains yet he'll barely produce any noise, only small whimpers and wheezes before he sniffs, wiping a snot off his nose.

It makes him seem irresponsible somehow, running away like that.

With all the pressure thrown upon his already-heavy shoulders, he wants to strip away all the titles that he has.

His title as the leader, the charismatic one, the one they could depend on, the one that'll surely make up a choreography before the deadline. 

He's tired. His eyebags are getting more prominent, he had lost a few kilograms prior to the final match and his limbs feels like it would break anytime soon. 

The weird thing is, he has no other choice but to throw everything away for the sake of a debut. He's already in this deep, there's no turning back. He didn't know that it'll be this hard to reach for the stars.

He tossed away his routines, future goals and everything behind for a short moment of serenity.

Putting behind B.I for a moment to be Kim Hanbin.

What brought him this time to the familiar spot under the tree isn't because of a member who didn't practice hard enough or any of those things revolving around practice but because of a certain someone.

Someone who knows about his late night escapades yet that person doesn't question anything at all nor this person stops him from going outside. 

Hugging his knees closer to himself, the wind blows a bit harsher than yesterday, seeping through his one layer clothing - a grey hoodie - and his beanie that hides his disheveled hair. The wind seems to burn through the fabric, sneaking past his frail ribs until it reaches his heart, trying to break in.

Or maybe he just feels empty.

He wants to open his heart but he's utterly afraid that it'll get in the way of working properly as B.I.

Only Kim Hanbin stresses himself with innecessary worries about his own feelings, his insecurities and his past mistakes.

B.I worries about the little details that will make his choreography achieve perfection or anywhere near it, about the flow of his raps and about everything in the showbiz business.

Not feelings.

Hanbin wants to ask Jiwon, "Why aren't you stopping me from running away on those nights?" but with one look, his eyes will turn into a smile of its own, assuring him that it's okay to run away sometimes as long as you make your way back home. Maybe he's imagining stuff and he needs to get his eyes checked.

Still, a part of him wants to believe that Jiwon's small gesture means more than it seems.

He forgot when exactly did he fall into this jumble of feelings. All he remembers is Jiwon asking, "Hey. Aren't you tired?"

It sounded like a simple question but he knew that it could meant a lot of things.

For one moment, he could see the usual glow of joy dimming in those pair of eyes.

But before he can answer, Donghyuk has pulled Jiwon away, whispered something in his ears that brought a smile to those plump pair of lips.

Hanbin frowns. He wants to be the one who blooms a smile up his face. He wants to be the reason behind his silly laughter. He wants him to be happy because of him. Is it too much to ask? He thinks that his feelings are one-sided but on rare occassions, Jiwon seems to prove it otherwise. 

Neither of them have spoken up about this. He's afraid that if he talks, it'll ruin their friendship. Most of all, he's afraid that he'll get rejected.

Sometimes he thinks it's better for their relationship to stay this way. 

Not lovers, but more than best friends.

A beep of his alarm disturbed his way of thought. When he looks up, the sun's already rising. It's his time to get back. To return as B.I.

This time, no tear trails are visible on his cheeks.

Judgement day. It's the final match. He could hear the crowds screaming and the sound of the VCR playing on the screen.                      

The crews made sure that their mics were attached properly, several commands were shouted here and there and the coordi stylists keeps on fixing his makeup. "For God's sake, you've applied enough CC cream!" he wants to scream.

Before going up to the stage, they shouted their usual "Get ready? Showtime!" and when he's about to climb up the stairs, a hand latches onto his arm and stops his tracks.  

Turning his head around, he's surprised to see Jiwon staring at him. The grip on his hand tightened before it trails down to meet his own palm, fingers slowly filling the gaps between his own and their hands are intertwined nicely.

"I'm nervous. Are you?" Jiwon voices out.

His question knocks Hanbin out of the moment of daze that he felt. Because did he just interlocked their fingers and- Hanbin's a total mess inside. Thank goodness for his decent pokerface to hide what he truly feels. 

"Yeah." he answers absentmindedly. Because hey, who's not nervous at this point? Eventhough the match won't be aired live, people will vote based on tonight's performances.

He hears a familiar sound of laughter and soon, he laughs, too. Ignoring the other members who walked past him, a few giving them strange looks like, "Why the hell are you guys laughing?" or maybe that's just Junhwe with his '24/7 judging you' face.

"Sorry. I know it's a stupid question. Yeah." Jiwon says in defense though his lips are still quirked up into a wide grin, eyes disappearing into small crescents.

Once again, Hanbin doesn't get the chance to answer because the crew tells them to hurry up.

Although they break off their interlocked fingers once on stage, Jiwon spares him one last look when they're lined up on stage and it doesn't take many muscles for a smile to appear on Hanbin's own lips.

He'll do his best for tonight so he can make himself proud, make his family proud, make his fans proud and maybe, make him proud.

And maybe, he can make the said man smile too, he just haven't get the chance yet.

no limit gon' touch the sky ; so this happened after i heard that they've finished recording the final match. currently unbeta-ed. title taken from ariana grande's song of the same name and sorry for writing this piece of crap. feedbacks are welcome though.