The eyes that denies reality

I saw you again, i cried. something went  terribly wrong

        He gazes at the reflection before him. The ever so familiar reflection that was presented upon him, beautiful spark appears in his eyes, yet the story of such fairness was scribbled in something named delusion. A delusion that he chooses to live with.

His eyes that were slowly disappearing within the past few days started to appear back to live, almost magically just by one look on that distinct face he could never ripped out in his memories. It wasn’t obsession or any such obscure things as it was simply his own naïve feelings. The feelings that led him into his little fantasy world.

A fantasy world that he would always dreamed of, so perfect yet so far, almost untouchable. With each fantasy he imagined, little by little, he would ruined himself into lies.

The clear blue sky painted with soft fluffy clouds floating around, twisted in a shape like a beautiful lilies just like how he used to imagined them when he was an innocent kids. The weather was unexplainable; it was sunny yet the cool breeze was evident as it went pass his ears, a soft yet pleasant sound came which brought a tinge of smile to his face.

The tall grasses welcomed his touch as they grabbed his senses with their softness. Stem by stem, traces by traces, he covers it all. The traces of the wild grass, the traces of her.

In front of him, there she stood, enchanting in a white, almost to the point of a pure untouched snow dress. Her hair that would gently followed the wind little tune in sync. He could never forget those round brown orbs. Those beautiful orbs that capture the essence of perfection in his eyes, the orbs that teaches him a brand new world. Like he was under a spell, he could never takes his eyes away from her, bounding him deeper and deeper into her fatal spell, dragging him more and more towards his selfishness.

A spell that he would sacrifice everything just to be able to gaze at her forever

A sweet reincarnation of temptation

A spell that would gave him

The eyes that denies reality

---

Lee Hongbin was different from the very beginning. From the moment he was borne, everything about him was different to other human beings. When he was introduced to the world for the very first time, instead of crying to start a new live, he gave them a deafening silence.

The man in white he was so scared of up until now desperately tried everything to bring out that shrill cry of his. He was at least lucky to be borne from diamonds and gold background for the doctor to have more motivation to save him for how big the reward he would imagine. If he was otherwise, they would likely left him to slowly turned cold without even bothering that a live would soon be lost.

But that’s human, driven by those countless wealth and money, they would do anything. That’s how artificial a human can be.

Just like that, Hongbin was able to retrieve his live back at the most crucial time. That very moment, Hongbin was borne.

The first thing he saw once he was welcomed to the new world, was the smiling face of the nurse that had taken care of him ever since. Not her mother who never once come back by her own will to hold him, nor his dad who was more concerned about his status and company to visit his new borne child, but a common nurse that would tend his very needs.

Ever since he cold remember, his newly borne days were filled with the image of that one nurse. Her giving him a warm milk, her carefully bathing him and her who would wrap him around in warm clothing and drift him back to sleep.

Her biological mom, who reasoned to be weak after the labor only saw him once the nurse came with the child, cradling him tightly against her chest and cooing at him. However, ironically, money was also behind that fake love she showered him. To keep that good loving mother image she gave the media.

“I love you very much my Lee Hongbin” she would says over and over again as the camera flashes here and there, cooing at how adorable the baby looked and how doting a mother would be. That would be Hongbin happiest moment in his early days, a 5 minute time to be able to feel how it felt like to be in your mother’s arm, to be able to gaze at the image of the woman whom gave him birth and lastly, to be able to felt that short timed love of hers.

Once the camera was gone, so was his happiest moment. His mother would quickly gave the child to one of her mere servant and told him to return the child back to the nurse, image changing drastically from a loving mother to an uncaring one.

As times passes by, Little Hongbin would grow up with very little love he could get. Each and everyday, not even a sparing a single glance at the child, his parents would left the house for a more important matter than him and gave him to the hands of a maid whom he never know.

Each and every morning, he would wake up, gazing at the sky blue wall in his rooms, as sunlight would stream to the dim lilted room. The room always felt the same with each time he was awake. Cold and empty

He would often reminded himself that his mother would promise to greet his morning with her face but just like any other days, the start of his morning was filled with bowing maids in their matching uniform. It would be a complete lie if little Hongbin was to say that he wasn’t disappointed yet again and again, he kept on telling himself that his parents will be back at night to play with him and his prized possession doll that he loved so much.

Everyday, he would spend each and every time of his playing with that same old doll. There wasn’t anything special about it from the other dolls his parents gave him, yet the boy somehow grew attached to that particular one. The doll was shaped in an image of a young girl, hair curling into a beautiful length of blonde and a matching silk dress.

One of his maids, whom often spend most of her time with her young master, would often played with his doll. Talking through the doll, replying the young master to keep him from being lonely.

“Youngmi-ah” he called the doll. A random names her mom thrown at him without any care. “Do you want to play?” Hongbin asked, his eyes gleaming in excitement

. “What do you want to play, Hongbinie?” the maid asked while holding the doll in her hands, motioning the doll alive. Sometimes, even the maid would pity the young child. Although with all the luxury and the spacious living he had, the boy was clearly abandoned, left uncared with no love at all which led him this far in order to felt one.

“I wanted to play hide and seek. But it won’t be fun if it’s only two of us” Hongbin said, pouting as he hugged his knees.

“Then why don’t we call the other dolls to play together?” The maid suggested, her typical answer.

It was silent for a moment 

“They…can’t play. Can’t they?” that particular day, the boy would say, eyes sliding to the huge amount of dolls lying by his bedsides. On this particular day, a wave of loneliness and sadness hits him. Seeing the maid silent by his questions, the little boy’s eyes dropped down. The deafening silence was far too common for him because all that he could felt at that moment was something that he would never understand at such age.

Hurting and pain

For how long would he be able to sees his parents the first thing in the morning?

For how long would he kept on seeing those pitied eyes of his maids?

For how long would he kept on seeing his dolls as his friends

For how long would his eyes finally wanted to deny this cruel reality?

---

It was winter all over again and 15-year-old Hongbin was sitting silently by the window, a headphone was over his head, body stiff as ever while his eyes watching towards the frosted window.

The teacher was explaining some sort of chemistry lesson that most of the students didn’t even bother to pay even tiny bits of attention. They were all either wasting their parent’s money by sleeping their heads off or texting through the social media about the newest trend updated. Hongbin on the other hands could be counted as one of them but at one side, he could be not.

Even though he never paid attention to the class, not only that God has gifted him the superior visual of his but also an excellent intelligent he got by acing all of his classes. The teacher didn’t even bother the boy anymore but instead, they would foolishly flock themselves towards him in order to get on his good side, in other word, his money.

However, not even once would Hongbin looked at their way or even pay any attention when one of the teacher would told him that they’ll raise his score but he would ask them to reduce it because he felt that he didn’t even deserve such score under the care of that money driven teacher. The same things apply to his dozen of fan girls, ogling over his looks and background.

Recess soon passed by with the long awaited bell as students immediately flocked out of their classroom. Before his fans would get the chance to reach out with him, Hongbin was the first one out, clutching his phone to the most vacant space in the school.

A creaking sound filled the hollow gym room. Dust covered every inch of the abandoned room yet Hongbin would find comfort at this particular space. Sunlight briskly passed through at one point of the tainted windows, providing the room the only source of light it would get.

Hongbin sat at one of the old rusty chair just by the light and stayed silent for a moment. A flood of peace however it still wasn’t right for him. It still felt empty in his eyes.

The next moment he found the creaking sound filled the room, an odd situation, which he found surprisingly weird.

Since the room was illuminated with total darkness, he could only see a tiny silhouette of what it seems like a girl, gently walking towards his way boldly, placing herself beneath the shadow in the other end of the bench he was sitting on.

Hongbin expected her to came by his side, touching him just like any of those girls whom adored him, yet this particular girl didn’t have a single thought to touch the tip of his hair.

The silence began to suffocate him but he managed to stay as expressionless as possible and kept his mouth shut just like how he always does. The only thing he could hear was the sound of their own breathing, On one hand, it was calm and steady, but at the other hand, it was constricted and out of pace. Surprisingly, he found out the later was his.

Unable to drive out his curiosity, his head would bend slowly towards the other side. Unfortunately, due to the darkness, he couldn’t see anything except her silhouette. He would observed the way she sat, facing towards him, perhaps her eyes even went straight to his but that was his assumptions, probably because of the fact that the only person that can see both of them was the other company.

“Please don’t look at me”

That was the first word the uninvited guest has said, voice clearly belonged to a girl like he assumed her and his eyebrow twitched in mild surprise. So he was right, the girl was gazing at him the whole time.

He noticed a sudden movement in the shadow as those words were spoken, might be because of the sudden eye contact he didn’t even realize. Nevertheless, his gaze didn’t falter onto that one girl. He himself would wonder why though, was there any particular reason? Hongbin was never the type of those boys who would believe in true love and curiosity when you felt like you met the one. He would disregards it instead, calling those people stupid which led him to reject any confession thrown at him, saying that they fell in love with him.

To him, those people thought love was a joke, once you saw the one, you’ll fell for them. No, love was a much more complex emotion to him than that. It took effort to gain one and feel one.

That was why he would always denied he, including this one, telling him that he was acting this way to make the girl uncomfortable and leave him alone, just like how the picture should always be.

Him alone, in the dark cramped room, scramming himself into that only source of light, almost like a pathetic effort.

“You’re all alone and empty don’t you” The voice shouted for the second time, this time, even though soft, a clear sound was heard through his ears.

“I know how it feel, only those kind of people came by this place” she continued, a movement was yet again noticed from the corner of his eyes. Hongbin on the other hand was at a lost of words. He never heard anything that was more accurate to describe his live than that words that came from a complete stranger.

“You came here to find some peace” She said, a breath of air was visible from . “ Or rather a place to escape all of your troubles” she said, not minding the unresponsive act that she gained from the boy.

“Your mind would say that, but deep down you know the answer why” She continued, this time successfully bringing his attention with her.

No, he didn’t know the answer why. Was it because he wanted to escape those girls who would shower him with short inartificial love or was he being pathetic all by himself?

“No, I don’t” he said for the very first time since their encounter. He could no longer stand the curiosity that stirred up within him and let go of that expressionless face of his. He was lost and stuck in this room trying to figure out something that he didn’t even know. He was frustrated and broken over the fact without even realizing, making himself being further more trapped into the deepest pits of his own maze.

“You were waiting”

Waiting. That word struck through him. All his live, he was done waiting. He was done waiting for his parents to fulfill their promise to tuck him to bed. He was done waiting for fantasy that would never came to him. He was done waiting his entire live, so done for it.

“Waiting for someone to open that door.” she spoke softly

“Both of the doors”

Hongbin never dreamed that once he would ever find the answer to his own unsolved riddle but unexpectedly, on one winter day in October, he did. There was nothing special about it. No sudden wind or any stuff that you would expect to appear in those drama. It was just total darkness, yet the memories would implant within him forever. On one October day, beneath the clutch of the shadow, invisible to one eyes, Hongbin finally found his answer.

“It’s nice to meet you, Lee Hongbin” with a smile he would never forget

---

“It was nice meeting you too”

“Heo Youngji” He gazed at the reality befallen upon him.

Just next by his feet, scribbled onto one grave stone

Was the name of the girl whom loved so dearly

 

 

coded by edelweiss. do not remove the credits.