Hands

Sehun still remembers the feel of his soft palm against his own calloused ones, the feel of his fingertips interlacing with his as they walk through the cold pavement, with pink noses and warm scarfs wrapped around cold napes. He always pulls Luhan as they walk, always taking the lead because Luhan, Luhan always either stumbles in his own feet, looking at a cute dog with wide eyes or stops in his tracks with hand still locked with Sehun’s, as he looks in the far distance. Sehun just stares at him, Luhan’s eyes are blank, sad, and it’s as if he longs for something. Sehun’s heart aches whenever he sees Luhan like this but the latter simply smiles sweetly to him when he notices his lover’s sad face.

The first Sehun had held Luhan’s hand was when they were in middle school, when he’d first asked Luhan out after mustering so much courage and gaining the balls to do so. It was terribly embarrassing and awkward because his palm was sweaty as and Luhan was quietly stifling his laughter as he squeezed Sehun’s hand for assurance. Sehun lances at Luhan with nervousness and Luhan simply smiles and God, he was so beautiful that Sehun couldn’t help but smile too.

Hair

Sehun will never forget the feel of Luhan’s hair, his soft honey locks, slipping through the spaces in between his long fingers. It’s at moments when Luhan’s still asleep in bed and Sehun’s always awake before him. Sehun stares at the mess of golden locks against the pristine white sheets, above the soft pillows where he rests his head. He stares at the steady rising of his chest as he drifts through dreamland. He stares at the jut of his collarbones, his pink parted lip and the pinkish glow of his cheeks. Lately, Luhan has been looking healthy and Sehun’s heart swells.

Sehun oftentimes washes Luhan’s hair for him. Luhan rests his body comfortably on the tub as he rests his head on the edge and Sehun’s fingers are lightly scraping his nails against his scalp, massaging him with the bubbly aroma of the vanilla shampoo that Luhan always uses. Luhan would close his eyes and sigh in contentment.

“Sehun, should I dye my hair to another color?”

“Why? I think your hair is beautiful as it is.”

“Hmmm. Then, no?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Luhan smiles.

Nose

Sometimes when Luhan is upset, he has that habit of pouting and crossing his arms over his chest as he huffs and turns his back at Sehun. Sehun would quietly chuckle as he stares at his adorable lover because Sehun refused to buy Luhan a poodle. Luhan had always loved dogs, and when he and Sehun had shopped that day, he saw one at a shop. He almost burst to tears when Sehun had said no and that they had no place to raise it in their shared apartment. When they got home, Luhan gave him the cold shoulder and absolutely refused to even hold Sehun’s hand as they walked home.

Then Sehun gets to work to cheer his lover up, he pulls his big baby into a tight embrace and although Luhan is resisting, he sighs at last and returns to hug Sehun because damn, Sehun’s so warm and handsome. Sehun smiles against the crown of Luhan’s head and presses light kisses and soft apologies there. He then lowers his head to meet Luhan’s eyes and slowly nuzzles the latter’s soft button nose, slightly pink from the cold and snot. Luhan would close his eyes and feel Sehun’s high nose nuzzle against his and he would burst into a stifling giggle because it tickles. Sehun would smile in triumph because Luhan’s not upset anymore.

His hands are also his anchor to hold at night.

Cheeks

Although Luhan finds it annoying when his tall boyfriend keeps pinching his cheeks when he’s stressed, he can’t help it. Because Sehun’s habit is to pinch his cheeks softly when he is either tired at work or upset about something, so he lets him be. Luhan would just sigh and pout and Sehun’s furrowed brows then would slowly relax and he would smile. Luhan would smile too because Sehun is so handsome when he smiles. Sehun relieves his stress by slowly engulfing the smaller in a warm embrace and a light peck on his cheeks. Luhan’s cheeks always glows a healthy shade of pink and it warms Sehun’s heart because he looks healthy and happy like this.

His cheeks are Sehun’s mounts of comfort.

Lips

Once there was a thunderstorm, it roared loud and the harsh pattering of the rain against pavements and roofs and the thunder and lightning it brought always made Luhan flinch and his eyes would water. When times like this would happen, Sehun would prepare all necessary things he would use to comfort his big baby because he is absolutely afraid of thunderstorms.

Sehun would see Luhan’s lips quiver, one of his habits when he is afraid, and Sehun’s heart would ache because Luhan would look up at him with glassy eyes in the darkness and his constant flinching and grasping on Sehun’s shirt as he clings tighter was pure desperation to relieve his fear. Then Sehun would wrap his arms around Luhan’s shaking frame tightly, he would press a kiss to his forehead repeatedly, to his nose and cheeks. Murmuring soft reassurances along the way and when this doesn’t work, he goes for it. He kisses Luhan square on the lips, slow and assuring as his hand travels along his back for comfort. Luhan then would sigh into the kiss and slowly relaxes, sobs dying down his throat and trembling frame growing to a calm. Sehun then would whisper sweet stuff that would make Luhan giggle silly and the sounds of thunder and rain muted instead to Luhan’s breathing as drifts to dreamland.

His lips are Sehun’s breath of love.

Eyes

Amongst the things Sehun loves about his lover, baby and angel, is his eyes. Nothing could replace the biased view of Sehun’s liking to Luhan’s eyes. It’s so beautiful, so full of wonder. It is decorated by long lashes, thick and shadowing over his cheeks. It accentuates his bright eyes that see nothing but beauty and it’s wide with wonder. It’s doe-like and Sehun would love to spend the rest of his life staring into those for the rest of his life.

Luhan’s eyes represent Luhan as a whole. In his eyes you can read him thoroughly, in his eyes, he shows his emotions truly.

 When Luhan is upset, his eyes would waver and it would turn glassy.

When Luhan is angry, his eyes would grow wide and it shows what he truly thinks.

When Luhan is happy, it would turn into beautiful bright crescents that lightens everything.

Luhan shows everything in his eyes. In his eyes, Sehun sees the world. In his eyes, Sehun seeks comfort, courage, understanding and love. He feels so much in his eyes. In his eyes, Sehun sees himself.

So when Luhan oftentimes loses himself in between anger, sadness, guilt, satisfaction, pleasure, happiness…his eyes goes blank. And he shows that look every once in a while and that is when Sehun loses himself too. He loses himself in the thought of what to do, what to think and what to feel because Luhan is pausing everything that he’s doing and is looking at the distance, faraway, so so far that he reads no emotion in Luhan. Sehun would look at what he’s staring sometimes but he sees nothing, nothing but the blue skies or the orange clouds, the glow of the sunset or the soft light of the moon. It’s as if Luhan is staring up, looking so desperately for something, something, it’s as if…he wants to be free. He wants to be free and Sehun is tying him down with the tight grip he has on Luhan’s hand.

When this happens, Sehun would stop Luhan by squeezing his hand tighly and Luhan would blink and stare at Sehun, he would smile and squeeze back. Sehun would stare at Luhan with wide eyes, scared and on the brink of tears but Luhan would just smile gently and then they stop to go home later.

Sehun is afraid. Sehun is hurting because he knows. He knows Luhan too much and he’s afraid.

“Luhan, are you unhappy?”

Sehun asks with closed eyes as he breathes heavily into the darkness, sweaty and in a deep haze. Luhan blinks suddenly, astounded with Sehun’s question, breathing equally hard. They had just made love and the question is so out of the moment. But Sehun needs to ask it, now, or else, there’s no other perfect moment than this.

“Sehun, I—“ Luhan replies after a long pause but Sehun beats him to it.

‘”Just answer.” Sehun looks at him straight in the eyes, determined and serious.

“I—“ Luhan’s eyes softens, “I am. I am so happy with you. I love you, Sehun. I love you.” Luhan whispers the last part and he has that look in his eyes.

Sehun bites the inside of his cheeks and pulls Luhan closer to him, pressing his body flat against his lover and pulling him impossibly closer because he has to. Luhan then softly sobs into Sehun’s chest because they both know and this has to be the moment in which Sehun had finally understood perfectly. Sehun closes his eyes, hearing nothing in the darkness but Luhan’s crying. Sehun refuses to cry, he has to hold it in, he has to.

“I love you, Luhan.” It was brief and soft, he hugs Luhan closer and Luhan doesn’t stop crying, not for a minute.

The moment Sehun wakes up, he was alone. He always wakes up with a tuff of golden locks and bright eyes. Eyes that are so full of love, lips that would stretch and pepper kisses all over his face, cheeks that glow so healthily, nose that are tinged with pink and a Luhan that is so warm.

But Luhan is nowhere to be found. Sehun sits up and he is greeted by a bright yellow note on Luhan’s side of the bed. He picks it up and his fingers are trembling, heart quenching and lungs tightening.

“I love you, Sehun.”

It was all the note had said and Sehun feels it. He finally breaks down. He cries hard, so hard he feels his throat clench and his heart breaking into a thousand pieces and he’s struggling, struggling to put it back together. He wants to scream and so he does, he screams Luhan’s name all over and over. He runs around the apartment, heaving and hot tears flowing but Luhan is nowhere to say “peek-a-boo”. His heart aches so bad  and he's desperate to look for Luhan, hold him close and never let him go. He needs an anchor, something to hold him down to earth or else he'll lose himself.

He kneels and he cries altogether because the love of his life had left him.

Luhan has finally left him.

Sehun looks into the far distance, Luhan’s scarf around his neck warming his nape. He breathes in the smell of the saltiness of the sea and the glow of the sunset. It’s really cold so he slips his hands on the pockets of his sweater and closes his eyes. He can almost feel the warmth of his lover beside him, almost. Sehun would love to run, run wherever his feet would take him, ride cars, trains, fly through airplanes, swim seas, rivers, lakes and walk through desserts and muds. He would love to do all that to search for his beloved, but it's crystal clear on how much Luhan doesn't want for Sehun to do that. He wants to chase him so bad but Luhan wouldn't want that. No, Sehun doesn't want Luhan hurting ever, so insetad, he will wait. 

“Come back to me, baby.” Sehun whispers, feeling his eyes sting but he keeps them closed and instead feels the cold wind scratching against his cheeks. “Come back to me, baby.”

“Luhan!” Sehun shouts, ignoring the weird looks that the people around him are throwing his way. “Luhan! Baby! Come back to me! I love you!”

“Luhan! Do you hear me?! I love you! I love you so much! Come back to me, baby!” Sehun screams, hoping that across te sea, maybe, just maybe Luhan could hear him.

Sehun closes his eyes and he sees darkness.

“I love you, Sehun.”

Sehun opens his eyes and he sees soft cheeks, pink nose, red lips and bright full eyes. He feels warm tears against his cheeks, and he sobs. He feels drunk, his head is spinning, his hands tremble and he chokes because he misses Luhan so much that his heart feels like it’s gonna burst.

“I love you, Luhan. Wherever you are baby, please be happy. Please be happy. Please be free to do whatever you want. Eat whatever you want, don’t diet,” Sehun sobs. “Please love dogs even more, please smile brighter than what you did. Please be safe and stay away from strangers.” He blinks and more tears spill in his eyes.

“Luhan hyung,” Sehun pauses to chuckle bitterly, “I haven’t called you that since foreve, since when we’ve been together years ago.” Sehun looks into the distance, seeing nothing but the wide stretch of the sea and the sun slowly fading in hues of orange and yellow.

“Luhan hyung, I am begging you. I will wait. I will wait even if you lose your way back to me, I will still wait. I don't care how long, as long as you come back, baby, please. I would be happy for the wait because it is you.”  

“So please, do come back, wherever you are.”

Sehun closes his eyes.

“I love you, Sehun.”

“I love you, Luhan.”

I will wait.

A/N: I miss Luhan.