Fame

Money

Girls


Those were the things Luhan didn't care about. Hell, he could've been happier without them.

 

He sighed deeply as he lied on his bed, staring blankly at the plain white ceiling and listening to the low humming of the fan.

 

Lost in his sea of thoughts.

 

 

Being in SM Entertainment, was it a worth it or was it not ? He couldn't find an answer to that. 

Was sacrificing his time in his 20s doing what he loves with only what little money earned, worth it ? Was staying in the blood company for his dream and his brothers, worth it ? He couldn't find an answer to those either.

He used to be naive. Used to dream of the world outside Beijing, of having the time of his life being in the spot light with his dreams at reach.

Being a star was his goal since young.

He remembers fighting for the reservations of the Music rooms in High school just to practise singing with his friends. The time where he would dance to his idol's songs awkwardly in front the mirror wall and laugh along with his peers, too young to care about anything else. Those were the good times. 

 

Even when his parents were against his ideas of singing, of being an idol,

 

of being who he is. 

He had persevered and did what he wanted to do the most. Politics and smiling behind a mask for the rest of his life wasn't his idea of a future ahead, it was performing to his very best along with the dazzling lights and to the beat of the music. That was the path he crafted for himself, it was his life. Not anyone else. Even when his parents threatened to disowned him, their only son, he was determined to succeed. Don't get him wrong, he isn't unfilial to his parents. It was just the mindset of a rebellious teenager. 

He had apologised of course, of being unable to become the son whom they wanted him to be. He knew they only had his interests at heart and he appreciates that a lot. Being an idol had low chances of attaining fame and glory, it was looked down upon in his family that is filled with power and riches. 

He didn't care about those at all and his parents decided to let him have his ways, they weren't fully supportive but it was good enough for him.

 

The world where he would venture to, the world where he would achieve his dreams. 

 

To Seoul. 

 

 

 

 

At last, it came the day where he started his journey in SM. The joy of being accepted was exhilarating, the amount of work he had practised and the sleepless nights were finally paid off. It was the start of his idol life. 

 

However, after the reaching the peak of success that he had worked so hard for since his trainee days and debut era,

 

It was ruined.

 

 

Nothing was working out any more, Yi fan has left and chaos started ever since.

 

Yi Fan, the one who had the strongest will in persevering his dreams, packed up and left. 

Even after 2 years of debut, the salary was still the amount of peanuts and now, the workload has increased along with the stress of having 11 members in EXO. He still couldn't visit his parents even if he doesn't have any schedules, adding on to the fact that he was monitored everywhere he goes by his manager.

 

Like a caged animal.

 

The amount of bias in the company between the China and Korean members was suffocating.

Besides, those sasaengs are still annoying as . His headaches aren't stopping and his body is getting weaker and weaker by the day. The doctors had told him not to dance or sing any more, it was weakening his body with the amount of exercise and pressure. Despite all that, he had to take huge amount of sleeping pills just for a single flight to a country for EXO's THE LOST PLANET concerts, which had countless of countries yet to finish.

 

Was this the life he wanted ? 



No. All he wanted was recognition. 



It was so hard to continue. After the countless of NGs in filming his first ever movie, which was based in his home town. He still had to fly between countries with the ongoing Asia tour, his body condition was deteriorating rapidly. 


He needs his family. 

He misses them so badly. 




But he can't just abandon his dreams.

He can't just abandon his fans.

 

He can't just abandon EXO.



He can't abandon his brothers... 






Everything was so confusing, it was like back to square one when he had first stepped into South Korea, heart and mind in turmoil. 

 

Minus the happiness he felt then. 

He didn't feel happy at all. He was with his brothers in EXO, but it didn't feel right. The group was only surviving by a mere strand of hope that everything would be okay again, like a broken jigsaw puzzle missing it's final piece. Unable to be complete again. 

The thing is, he doesn't know if what he is doing is right for himself. He doesn't know how to differentiate his priorities right any more. Was his health important ? Or career ? 

Questions haunt him daily as he continued another day of hell, with the pain of his chest and the dryness of his throat.

What does he want in life? 

Though what he knows and absolutely adores is the adrenaline rush of standing in front of millions of fans, chanting his name over and over while he holds the microphone tightly in hand, with the brightest smile known to man. 

That was the thing he loved the most. 


And the thing he had to end. 




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It started when ? Maybe it was months ago, or even a year ago? He felt being in SM was tiring, with the amount of vigorous trainings and little rest they had. It wasn't just the way his waist was aching or the way his head was pounding, it was the ill treatment he received, the China members received. It was outrageous. 

Having to work hard to achieve excellent results was expected, but having to handle these kind of bull like the amount of bias between races in the company ? Was his nationality and the place he was born in, a crime ?  

What utter crap. 

The only thing that kept him going was the fans and the members that always supported him. 

And Minseok. 

He was the one who took care of Luhan, stood by him through thick and thin, so did the other members but he was different. Minseok understood him like no one ever could, he was always the calm and cheerful hyung. The sunshine to his life ever since he had started the life of a trainee and realising the horrible side of reality. 

While the other Korean trainees had teased and bullied Luhan of being a Chinese, Minseok was the one who stood up for him. The one who actually had the balls to tell off guys whom were metres taller than the petite sized male himself.

Minseok was his inspiration. 


And first love. 


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They had started out as friends, going for coffee dates and having competitive soccer matches against each other. Minseok was like a best friend he never had, the first Korean friend he made and never regretted. 

Luhan was the kind of guy whom would never share his problems to anyone, not even to people who were close to him. He was a man, crying on another's shoulder was a sign of weakness. Moreover, it would be burdensome for the other and he can't handle the feeling of being a hassle.

 

However, with the excruciating pain of his sore muscles and the feeling of home sickness, he couldn't bottle it in any more.

 

And Minseok was there to hear him out.

 

Like a guardian angel sent from heaven, Minseok was his light. Nodding occasionally while comforting the other as Luhan cried for the first time in years, talking about how his parents were never really supportive of his aspiring career but he still loves them as much as they love him, chances of debut was slim and he was almost to the point of giving up.

 

As soon those words left his mouth, the older male smacked him across the head lightly " Why do you see how far you'll still have to go, when you could've seen how far you've come ? You have stayed for so long, chasing your dreams since young. And now you're finally here, success is almost in your hands yet you're choosing to throw everything away and give up ? Remember, even if we don't debut or anything preposterous like that. Even if you're not anyone's idol, you'll always be my star. "

 

The wise words of the other hit him hard, Luhan chuckled as he rubbed his tears away. Thats right, this is his life right ? He shouldn't waste it just because of his emotions and longing for his family, this was his dream.

 

Days past by quickly as the pair grew closer and closer to each other, the amount of inside jokes and sly side glances they shared caused confusion to others whenever they would start a conversation with the two overly attached friends. They would always be seen sticking together by the hip and their bond was unlike many others', with the extreme cases of light touches and unnecessary hugs. 

 

There were even trainees who thought they were in a relationship. 

The pair just laughed it off and continued with their life, enjoying their youth in their early 20s while slowly learning about each other's culture and language. It may have been the best time in Luhan's life. 

But then, nothing could've beat the moment when they shared their first kiss under the bright glare of the sun as they lied onto the soft grass beneath.

It took his breath away. 




Many kisses were shared upon closed doors and empty closets, only the people whom were closed to them knew and at last approved of their relationship. The innocent touches that may seemed harmless in front of others, but behind the scenes it had a much, much different meaning.

Before debut, Minseok was chosen to be in EXO-M and Luhan couldn't be happier.

They had become closer as Luhan continuously helped Minseok with the language barrier in China, pulling him along into the spot light to show the fans how precious Minseok is. He even thought of a nickname 'baozi' that he felt was so adorable just like the owner of the name himself, plus kissing those cheeks daily was a must and a need.  

However, China didn't seem to think so. 

Minseok was the least famous in China, in fact China fans would often brush or push past him just to get closer to the other members, as if he was invisible. It was heart wrenching for Luhan, watching his beloved crying in his sleep and mumbling to himself of where did he go wrong.

 

" You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't do anything wrong. " Luhan often chanted softly to the elder, squeezing the sleeping male's hand as he tried to hold back his own tears.

It was one of the worst thing he could've experienced.

That is being completely useless.



Though the days of being invisible was long over. 

 

Minseok was finally recognised for his own talents and charms. Fans finally saw how Minseok was truly special, just like how Luhan always saw him during these years. Luhan smiled in amusement as he saw how his baozi jumped in excitement when he was on the top search in Naver once again. He was finally liked by many, he was Korea's top trend and he felt like he was soaring the clouds.

 

Minseok reminisced sadly about the time when he started dieting because he felt he was fat. He wasn't liked because he was fat. His cheeks were beyond chubby and his body was not the typical slim and slender nor was it muscular and fit.

 

It was ugly.

 

But then it was Luhan who changed him, the one who would constantly shove Minseok with food, to make him eat proper meals even if the elder would throw a pissy fit after. The doe eyed male would even start showering him with praises daily, along with the other members even if he doesn't want to hear it, yet it was funny how it sparked something within him.

 

A light.

 

A new found determination and courage.

 

He can't help but feel loved, because even if he doesn't have any fans. He still had Luhan and the EXO members. It was enough to keep him going and smiling.

 

 

 

 

Luhan saw the huge change in Minseok and felt his heart swell up with pride, that Minseok finally knew how to love himself. He was smiling from his heart and opening up again. 

 

Because if you can't love yourself, who would ?  

 

 

There's no rainbow without a little rain, he loved that phrase as those obstacles and hardships they went through were actually the thing that continued to strengthened their bond, to strengthened their trust and love for each other. Without Kim Minseok, there is no Luhan. That was what he thought then. 

 

 

 

It was after the incident of Yi Fan leaving EXO abruptly, without even telling anyone in the group, not even the China members. It was devastating for everyone, their galaxy hyung, their leader, their brother was gone. The worst part was that he didn't even told them about his decision, it was like a knife had ruthlessly stabbed them in their chest. 

 

The usual noisy dorm was filled with dead silence, loud sobs could even be heard echoing from the members' closed doors. 

 

 

Minseok sniffled as he reached towards Luhan's hand, looking up with his big brown eyes filled with hurt and sorrow " Yo-You wouldn't leave EXO too, right? No matter how hard it is, you wou- wouldn't, right ? Promise me you wouldn't. I know this is selfish but now Yi Fan is gone, i can't help but think you would to- " 

 

He was interrupted by a soft pair of lips crashing onto his, his eyes widening in shock. 

 

" Of course I wouldn't, I promise. I would never leave you alone okay ? I promise we will go through this, together. 为你挡下狂风, 身为你的守护者  ~ " He chuckled as Luhan started singing his own line in Angel, he was glad that he had Luhan by his side.

 

It was a night spent with promises made and bathing in the warmth of each other's embrace. 

 

Luhan was still wide awake when Minseok's breathing had turned steady, a sign that he was in a deep sleep. He turned and faced his beloved, wiping a lone tear on Minseok's face and swearing that he would never be the cause of it. Even if his body condition isn't in it's the best state or even if he felt like his world is starting to crumble, he wouldn't want to disappoint anyone. And especially not Minseok.  

 

A tear rolled down on his cheek as he thought on how sudden Yi fan's departure was, it was hurtful that now, EXO-M leader was gone. It felt empty.

 

Yi Fan was a pillar of support for everyone in the group, and is also one of his good friends since pre debut. No one could fill up the gap in their hearts, no one can ever replace the leader of EXO-M.

 

He closed his eyes and thought on how he will have to continue to do his best, a resolve he had built for himself to persevere and live for his dream. No matter what obstacles there'll be.

 

A promise to himself and a promise to his beloved.  

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However, it all came crashing down when he saw the face of his mother when he finally got back home. It was during one of his filming that he had sneaked out of his hotel to meet his parents, it's been too long. He rang the bell as he giggled excitedly, even if his parents weren't completely supportive of his dreams, they are still his parents after all. 

 

 

When the door opened, his mother's tired face stunned him as she was the kind that was always conscious of her looks, the huge eye bags and the lack of make up was surprising. His mother looked at him in disbelief as she gasped and broke down in tears, leaving Luhan to stare at her dumbly with his mouth agape.

 

He snapped out of his gaze as he helped her up, brushing off her tears and stuttering " Wha- What's wrong, mom ? " 

 

He let his mother lean on him as they slowly walked into the house, with his face full of confusion. He silently brought her to the sofa to cool down, gently patting her back as he took out the tissues nearby to wipe her tears.

 

He was unable to utter a single word. 

 

 

 

Luhan scowled, unhappy with his mother's terrible acting as he lightly flicked her forehead " Mom, what's wrong ? Something happened right ? Tell me.  "

 

His mother looked down in guilt, tears threatening to fall as she broke out the bad news " Your father.... Your father is in the hospital... " 

 

" What ? " Luhan looked at his mother, horrified at the news of his father. No... no.

 

His father is the most healthy and caring person in the entire world, he vividly remembers of the time when he was in Middle school, he had wanted to be a professional soccer player and his father had immediately called for a professional soccer team to teach Luhan the basics and the drills. Even though the dream was impossible as he started out too late, his father was always a supportive and understanding dad. A dad whom Luhan would never want to lose.

His father was always aware of his poor health and only wanted the best for him, even though being an idol wasn't a fantastic job, his parents still shown support and love. 

 

It felt like his heart was twisted in every angle watching his mother slowly falling apart, holding his breath as she continued " Please.... Come home.. At least just for a little while.... " 

 

 

 

 

And that was when his resolve broke. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was woken up from his thoughts when he felt his bed dipped, his precious bed. He looked up irritatedly and saw Yixing frowning at him, expression full of worry and doubt. He looked away nonchalantly, face void of any emotions. 

 

" Luhan, stop hiding your problems. "  

 

" I'm not. "

 

" Liar. " Yixing shouted as he threw a pillow on his face, grumbling to himself on how Luhan was being difficult.

 

As if an imaginary light bulb had lit up above his head, Yixing stood up with a sly grin as he walked around his best friend's most treasured bed " I'm not going to come down on your damn bed with my unwashed feet until you tell me what the is wrong with you. " 

 

Luhan gave him a look of disgust and sighed. He pushed Yixing off the bed as he finally gave in, mumbling out " I might be leaving EXO .... No, I am going to. "

 

 

 

 

The familiar voice startled Luhan as he turned towards the door in a flash, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.

 

 

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The room's atmosphere had turned awfully cold, with the tension growing thicker and thicker as the seconds ticked by.

 

" I'm going to leave you two to sort things out... " Yixing awkwardly patted Luhan's back in encouragement as he stood up and left the room, shutting the door with a soft thud.

 

" So, when were you going to tell me about your departure ? Or were you preparing to pack your bags and leave without even saying goodbye... ? " Minseok yelled as soon as Yixing left. His voice cracking at the last sentence, along with tears forming in his eyes.

 

Luhan was lost for words. It was not like he wasn't planning to tell Minseok and s about it, it's just that he wasn't emotionally ready to. He knows and understands the raw pain of someone that is precious to him leaving without a single word. And he wasn't going to make that terrible mistake.

 

But then, he couldn't speak, a lump forming in his throat as he stared with guilt in his eyes.  

 

" Have you turn mute ? Speak up! Why are you doing this ? What about our promise ? What about your promise ? Does that mean anything to you ? Didn't you said that we'll go through this together ? Is it too difficult for you, so you'll have the easy way out right ? Hah. Lies... Everything was... just... lies.. "  Minseok dropped to his knees, lips quivering and cheeks stained with endless stream of tears. He felt the dampness of his cheek as he looked up and laughed without any emotions " Why am I crying again ? Promises are meant to be broken right ?  I should be happy for you that you've got the chance to leave this ty god forsaken place, you're free. Congratulations. " 

 

Minseok's words was like a flight of arrows that continuously pierced his heart, it was like he couldn't breath. Maybe it was better this way, leaving Minseok to think what a selfish guy Luhan was and get over him. It was less painful that way. 

 

He tightened his fists. 

 

No. 

 

He wouldn't end it that way. He won't let it.

 

Because in actual fact, he is selfish. He doesn't want Minseok to get over him, not until he knows the reason of his departure. 

 

" It's not because it's difficult. It's because my father is dying. " Luhan spoke monotonously. He stood up and walked towards Minseok, he sat across him as he wiped off his beloved's tears. 

 

" Dying ? " 

 

" A huge possibility. His condition has worsened tremendously due to overwork and age, he is hospitalised for god knows when and my mother's in a hysterical state right now. If I don't do something, what kind of son am I, right ? After all I'm already the worst son anyone could have, I shouldn't have debuted in the first place. It's all my fault, I should've listened and be the good son and heir to the company. This is my karma isn't it ? " His eyes glistened as he fought stay strong, " I'm sorry that I'm breaking the promise, even though I said we'll go through this. It's all my fault. I should be the one laying the hospital, I don't deserve anything. I'm sorry " 

 

Minseok was left speechless. He immediately regretted his words that was so thoughtlessly spoken, englufing Luhan in his arms as he heard soft sniffles " No. Forget what I've said, I'm the useless one here. I should just bury myself right now. I've only seen my own pain that I've failed to see yours. If anyone's selfish, it's me. I should be the one apologising. I shouldn't had made you promise me such a dumb and childish wish, you should be with your family. Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy okay ? Do what's best for you. " Minseok kissed the sobbing male's forehead as he tried his best to smile, this wasn't about his needs, this is about being an understanding friend and lover. 

 

" I- " Luhan's mouth was muffled as Minseok leaned forward to capture his lips, which slowly ended up in passionate kisses and tumbling on the sheets. It was their last night together, they couldn't continue this relationship anymore and they both knew it in the depths of their hearts, wanting the night to stay forever as their kisses were mixed with salty tears. 

 

No words was exchanged, it was a sign of their ending.

 

 

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.

 

 

 

Days has passed and Luhan had finally told the members of his decision, shock and disbelief etched on their faces as they were once again losing another member, another brother. It was heartbreaking, members cried their hearts out as the news slowly sank in. Tao was the worst of all as he yelled at Luhan for being the same as Yi fan and threw a tantrum, causing an uproar in the dorm. 

 

It was understandable as Yi fan had a big impact on Tao, he had looked up and adored the leader a lot. Being the sensitive person he is, the sudden departure of Yi fan had left a huge hole in his heart. Luhan's departure had caused him to feel the same way back then. That is being abandoned. 

 

Although at the end of the day, the maknae apologised at his outburst and wished him for the best, to his parents and himself.  

 

Everyone did, even Minseok as they celebrated his departure at his last concert in Beijing. Even though he didn't wanted skin ship, s initiated and smiled as if nothing was wrong, as if he wasn't leaving the day after tomorrow and leaving them for good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Although it was unnecessary for him to fly back to South Korea and leave again. He insisted, complaining how it was the last time they would take a plane together and no one could stop him. 

 

 

 

However, it was inevitable. He shouldn't ask for more when they had broken up. He had lost the rights to do so.  

 

It was 2am, which was usually the timing where there weren't be any sasaengs around, the perfect time to leave for Beijing. After dumping his luggage in the trunk of the cab, s waved him goodbye as the cab drove further and further away, until all he could see was the darkness of the night surrounded by the city lights. He felt his heart tightened at the mixed feelings of being free, the guilt and worry of leaving s, the relief that he could finally visit his parents.

 

After the short drive, he had finally reached the airport. Getting his tickets and a cup of coffee, he had fifteen minutes to spare as he roamed around aimlessly. The thoughts of how Minseok was coping right now, images of him crying, laughing, being angry and cute flashed through his mind like an old film as he slowly recalls the happy and sad times they had shared in all these years. It brought a smile to his lips when he heard a voice screaming " You idiot ! ", it almost sounded like Minseok's as it echoed throughout the airport. 

 

Only it was Minseok. 

 

He was dumbfounded by the appearance of the one and only Kim Minseok, as the male huffed and gasped for air from running across the airport. His eyes were swollen as he stared towards the gaping deer, he crossed his arms with a smug grin " Missed me yet ? " 

 

Luhan shut his jaw as his lips tilted up, forming in a wide grin " Yeah, sort of. "

 

" Good. Remember to eat more and rest ! And remember your medicine. "

 

" Okay mom. "

 

" Shut up.. Just be happy in Beijing, okay ? " 

 

" I will. " 

 

They grinned as they began laughing at their silly conversation, looking at each other in longing. 

 

However, their moment was interrupted by the loud blare of the speaker, announcing the plane to Beijing is about to take flight. 

 

" Well, this is it. I'll be going then. " Luhan scratched his head as he smiled, offering a handshake. 

 

Minseok ignored his outreached hand as he embraced the dumb deer, nuzzling his cheek on the broad shoulder, whispering a soft " Take care "

 

Tears welled up in Luhan's eyes immediately, oh how much he had missed the warm embrace of his lover. Those precious seconds felt like hours as Minseok slowly released him, with glossy eyes, he spoke up " You're going to be late ! Go go ! Beijing is waiting ! " 

 

His legs felt as if it was controlled, he wanted to stay but instead, he walked towards the aisle, away from Minseok. How much he wanted to stop and run towards Minseok but his legs wouldn't listen as he entered the door, separating him from his beloved. 

 

Before he had crossed the border, a loud " STOP " had halted his feet. He turned swiftly as Minseok grinned and shouted " REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE STILL MY STAR, AND WILL ALWAYS BE ONE.  永远有我 就算世界都冷漠 ~ "  

 

 

Even when they had broken up, their bond still remains. No matter when or where they are, they are still connected somehow under the same blue sky. Maybe they will meet someday, who knows ? 

 

However their story had closed with the final chapter, a bitter sweet ending just like the after taste of a cup of Americano.

 

Just like how Luhan likes it.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A chapter closes and an another one opens, his life back in Beijing has just started. 

 

With a huge smile on his face, he finally posted on WEIBO of what he had always wanted to say since the start of his idol life, 

 

 " 我回家了"

 

 

 

 

 

 

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