Love.

That lofty feeling that can fill us with happiness or lead us to a catastrophic madness.

Love.

Absolute landlord of our consciousness and unconsciousness.

Love, supreme king of hearts that governs and handles everything as it likes.

Poor heart. It doesn’t has voice or vote, but it seems to represent the maximum expression of love.

I thought that was the perfect combination: love, mind and heart. But it didn’t work.

I was stuck there, sitting on my desk reading the couple of lines I had written at that time. It was 2:00AM and despite of the phonecalls and Kakao messages I stayed in the training center ignoring the rest of the world only to focus on the work I had to do. Impossible work, I might say, because my notebook didn’t fill by itself and my mind wasn’t able to write all the things I had inside.

I’d never felt love. I didn’t know what it was.

In that moment I wasn’t fully aware of my own thoughts. If I knew, I would have never wished something like that.

Half of people describe love as something beautiful everybody must feel at least once in their lives, the definitive love that brings everything and illuminates rooms in the darkest days. But the other half just simply limit to explain how devastating that feeling can be if used wrong. “As a weapon”, Tablo hyung said once, “Love turns into a gun whose barrel points at you. You’re Love’s target, and it usually doesn’t fail when shooting”.

Guess Love doesn’t work when one of the three romantic elements is not agree with the other two.

When I talked to Mino, Tablo or even Jiyong sunbaenim, looking for some advice, they smiled sadly. I wondered how many love battles those hearts must have fought because, of course, Heart is always the one disagreeing with Mind. They stared at me long minutes trying to figure out why I was asking something like that. I didn’t mind to say I’d never been in love with someone, however I kept quiet. Maybe because deep inside I knew that was a lie, or because I wanted to stay away from Love hands. “I don’t want to be!”, I said when Mino asked me.

That uninspiring night I walked home alone. Our rooms weren’t far from YG building but I decided to take a longer way. My mind needed to rest away from all those weird feelings growing inside of me; like parasites, they were sliding up my throat trying to make me fall in their hands. I couldn’t let myself think about him.

Not in that moment.

Sometimes I felt like he did feel the same back. But then he just turned to Jinhwan and acted the same as with me. I realized sooner that it was Hanbin’s way of behaviour and learned how to love something like that, something that was breaking me most of the time but building me again with the broken pieces.

I can’t deny jealousy visited me several times in the same day. Monday, Tuesday… it didn’t leave me alone even weekends. I was like the paradise for emotions and started to act like a stranger in a house with people I met years ago. I couldn’t help it though I tried, and even when I heard secret comments that the other members had about us three I couldn’t be the same.

-Jinhwan looks crazy these days. He’s been messing around Hanbin like an idiot. I think our princess has found his own way to inspire himself for dancing like a little diva.

-One day we’ll wake up and find some kind of Taehyun twin in the bedroom.

Laughter danced around like if some party had started in that pretty moment. I waited in the doorframe with my arms crossed trying them to notice me. But they didn’t. Junhoe, Donghyuk and Yunhyeong were sit in front of the sofas, Junhoe was the only one that could look up and watch the reflection in the mirror of me with my baggy pants and matching shirt, but he was too focused on his laugh and then hands that didn’t realize of my presence.

-Ash… I just feel bad for Bobby. He’s been acting like he doesn’t care but… I’m sure those hours at night in the studio means something.- Yunhyeong added, curving his back to stretch his muscles.

-Poor boy… I’m sure he’s trying to be busy.

-Keeping himself from seeing those lovebirds together – Donghyuk muttered.

I rolled my eyes. Those were just idiot thoughts and speculations that had no space in my real life.

For sure.

That was almost a month ago. I can remember that day because I walked alone home too, taking the long way only for clearing my head. I was rambling if people can fall in love with the wrong person. How can it be? Love is supposed to appear to be returned. How can a feeling be so evil when it should be pure and beautiful? I refused to believe in the sad songs I listen almost every day. I refused to sink in unknown feelings.

However, after a month, I wasn’t able to understand why I felt so angry everytime Hanbin and Jinhwan were together sit on the couch or whispering things to each other’s ears. And I decided to write a song – that failed – and a long long walk to stay away from those bed/couch/kitchen (Damn, they were showing their love everywhere!) images that every night I had to suffer.

Why did he act like that with me when he had something like a boyfriend? Can a person love two people at the same time? Maybe is selfish, but I wished that could be. I wished he loved me too. Just a little bit, a little bit of that happiness Jinhwan seemed to experiment everytime Hanbin stared like a puppy at him. I wanted that. I wanted to be the point of reference for someone that is trying to smile. I wanted to be the reason for smiling to someone.

To Hanbin.

Someone falls in love, but that Love is impossible because the other person is already in love with someone else. But Love has made an appearance and it has to ask for permission to Mind because our third fellow traveler (Heart) belongs to someone else.

Mind was persistent and had 24 hours a day to conquer its objectives by keeping me awake the whole night.

At least, in that walk, Love could win a battle with Mind and gave permission to love a person in love with someone else. And Love is that absolute landlord, so it let Heart love Hanbin too. That moment was when my problem started, because Heart is not complete if the other person’s Heart is somewhere else.

Night was cold and wind tried to move the autumn leaves that, like a carpet, covered the whole pavement. It was beautiful, especially at night. I enjoyed the absence of sound and how clear the sound of the words in my head was.

Stairs were the place where I organized my ideas. As I was closer to the door, I forced myself to smile and give the best of my gazes. I had to do it: for the band, for Hanbin and Jinhwan, and for me. I needed to highlight the reality of events and let Mind be the one dealing with the situation.

Because I didn’t know how to be in love.

The door opened when I was about to insert the password. Hanbin loomed his head and looked at me with those brown eyes I knew perfectly. Maybe that was the part I was most familiar with and I wished that to change and be his smile the one dedicated to me. Patently that wasn’t the day.

-You’re late.

-I know – I said, controlling the tone of my voice and the burden of feelings that my tongue had to stand.

-Do you know how worried we were? Do you have mobile phone, Jiwon? Do you care about your mates? – he was raising his voice so I put my hands on my forehead and waited him to finish – do you even care about your own health? Damn it, you look like a ing Chinese little tramp. Don’t you have clothes? At least you could try to not steal the Church’s pantry.

I laughed. He wasn’t that mad after all.

-Sorry, I was composing. I have the song unf…

-About what? – he interrupted me.

I hated that. I hate how people can be that much impolite, but I think the worst part was that the thing I hated the most was beautifully made by someone I cared, and turned into something I liked too much. He was anxious for knowing my work, what I had been doing and why I was that much late.

Someone jumped behind the tall Hanbin’s body and I saw Jinhwan hugging him from behind.

Heart failed and the coordination within my body started to disappear until my eyes had to look down and concentrate in my dirty cheap trainers.

-Love. You know… is the theme YG gave us. – When I answered my voice trembled and I had the feeling of having screwed everything up.

-You okay, guys? – Jinhwan said. He was worried too and I smiled remembering our friendship like if it had been hiding from me for a long time. In the past he used to hug me too and play with my flimsy cheeks. Maybe I missed the old friendship that Love destroyed after those years.

When I let my eyes land onto Jinhwan’s face, Mind wanted to have those times back. It wanted to destroy everything Love created and start a war inside of me. Yeah, discussion between me, myself and I, was what I was feeling at that moment, witnessing the other half of my Heart trying to reach Hanbin’s half.

“It is too far”, I whispered inside of my head.

I passed in and let my body lay on bed. The others were talking whilst watching a movie but I was too tired, not even the noise could bring me out of the dancing around my head.

Heart was broken once again, and Love became careless in the moment Jinhwan and Hanbin held hands while enjoying the film. Mind took the control again, imposing his will. It wanted to do the correct thing and fight against Love.

People around me saw me as “the tired Kimbab” but in fact I was suffering the Second World War inside of me at the same time my eyes tried to suppress tears and my breath not to choke at the level of my lungs.

-Bobby-ah – I heard near my ear.

I turned, without getting out of the provisional bed YG put in the living room and smiled at Hanbin’s face leaned over his chin on the mattress.

Love spoke again, yelling that it was okay loving someone who is in love with other person. Mind had to live with it and help Heart to build itself again, because Heart truly loved him and was telling Mind that it had to understand that Love is free to enjoy life.

-Hm?

-Are you okay?

I blinked several times and then rough out a little smile. I think it was kind of viral because he smiled back and his fingers down my left cheek.

-I’m fine, just tired.

He winked and turned to go on watching Die Hard as his life was played on it. He waited until Bruce Willis jumped from a building to recuperate his place on the sofa. I was aware of Jinhwan and him interlocking fingers and then I saw Hanbin removing his eyes away from the TV and looking again at me. He smiled, articulating with his mouth a “good night” that sounded in my mind like melody.

He smiled... Just for me.