Sometimes Jongdae wished he could stop. That he could just lay down in his bed and sleep for months. That he could just go to bed at night without his stomach cramping from worries and still knowing he had to get up the next morning with a smile on his face. He sometimes wished he could do like Yifan and Luhan had done, and quit, but they had good reasons too. Kris couldn’t really handle being just plain rapper material, who was bad at rapping as well, and wanted to be something more, something bigger. Luhan was sick, his body couldn’t handle anymore pressure. 

And that was all Sm:s fault.

Jongdae wished he could go back, and change everything. Make Kris understand he was just as important as everyone else, make Luhan take better care of himself. But he knew that was just wishful thinking. It would have ended the way it did anyways. 

And Jongdae knew he couldn’t let the rest down. They needed him to sing the hard parts, his voice took the strain the best, they needed him to be goofy and happy and everything else. They needed him, and Jongade knew that, but he was just so tired. 

Sometimes, Jongdae just wanted to die.

Die, and finally be able to rest for a while. But he knew that couldn’t happen. You can’t just end everything because you feel the world is turning against you, and Jongade knew that. So he kept fighting. Day in and day out he kept his smile, only letting the tears fall when standing in the shower, letting the quiet sobs get muffled by the stream of the shower. No one knew how he felt, he made sure of that. No one knew that he had none left, no family nor friends. He was to busy, and his parents they had died in a car crash. His brother had taken it so hard he had left the country and was now somewhere Jongdae didn’t know, fighting with his pain, leaving Jongdae to fight with his own. And he hadn’t even told the rest of the members, nor Kris or Luhan which he still kept in contact with. They were just as close as before. But he just couldn’t get it out. He was supposed to happy, not a burden. 

Sometimes Jongdae wanted to run away.

Run away from everyone just like his brother did, but he was not his brother. He would keep on fighting even though things got tough. He would always fight for what he knew was right, even if he felt like it was wrong in the moment. His goal had always been to keep people happy, and it still was. He always told himself that if they were happy, so was he. But he knew he was lying to himself. He was not happy. Not anymore.

It had started out slow, when Jongdae had noticed that if you worked hard in everything else, and kept your thoughts out of it, it would be easier. Therefore he kept practicing everything at the same time, be Chinese or dancing or singing. It helped him keep his min off of things. 

But he knew it wouldn’t work forever. His sleep was filled with nightmares, constantly waking up and trying to keep himself from screaming, not wanting to wake up everyone else. His body was overworked, body strained. And he knew things weren’t working any longer.

The other member found out things one night when they all woke up from Jongdae screaming his head of. First time they believed him when he said it was just an ordinary nightmare, but after it happened several times a night for several days, they knew something was wrong. And after lots of demands and pleadings, Jongdae broke down, and told them everything. He told them of everything that had happened, how he just wished he could die sometimes, and watched as horror filled there faces. Watched as Minseok took him in his arms, held him hard and told him never to say that. Told him how precious he was, and that he would ge through things. They would help him. They would be there. All of them.

And they were. Luhan and Kris arrived just two days after, and they all talked to him, helped him, worked with him. Told him how sorry he was and that they would do anything, would be there whenever he needed them. And Jongdae was grateful, but still depressed. He would probably be for a long time. 

But now he had people who cared, and it got even easier when his brother came back, and took care of him as well, apologizing for leaving. 

And Jongade suddenly understood he was loved. They all loved him, all in different ways. And even if they were separated they would still be there for each other in thought and mind, just like they always had been. 

Just like they aways would be.

Author’s note.

 I know this is so bad, i am so sorry. I just wanted to say that we should keep on supporting EXO and it’s members, both old and present, in whatever they do. And we can always hope they still keep in contact with each other, protecting and caring. At least that’s what i would like to think.