On Repeat

Author: _fraise_

Story Link:  On Repeat

Genre: Mystery, Romance

Oneshot/chaptered: Oneshot (Complete)

Brief Summary: Irene was stuck reliving the same day, and everyday it ended with her boyfriend being killed by a mysterious stranger.

Good points:

► Your description was well-written. It suited your genre, and will surely provoke curiosity from most, if not all people who come across it (in my opinion).

► The whole plot was just great. I was interested in your story from start to bottom. The ending? Totally unexpected. Brilliant.

► The flow was good. Because it followed the simple wake-up-from-dream routine, there was no room for confusion. 

Weak points:

► Most of your weak points have to do with grammatical errors.

Here are some examples:

I. Wording

Incorrect: The thin long needle tickling showing the…

Correct: The thin long needle ticking,showing the…

Incorrect: Suho'svoice heard from the other end

Correct: Suho'svoice was heard from the other end

Incorrect: Irene continued strolled down the hallway until the entrance.

Correct: Irene continued to stroll down the hallway until the entrance.

Incorrect: she saw two little boys walked together on their way to school.

Correct: she saw two littleboys walk together on their way to school.

Incorrect: Suho stared at her in disbelieve.

Correct: Suho stared at her in disbelief.

Incorrect: She let her legs brought her, to the street that always taken by Suho on his way home.      

Correct: She let her legs bring her to the street that Suhoalways took on his way home.

Incorrect: Irene saw Suho's figure at a far

Correct: Irene saw Suho's figure from afar

Incorrect: Irene couldn't help but peeping inside.

Correct: Irene couldn't help but peep inside.

Incorrect: The door was closed, and with a warn pasted there.

Correct: The door was closed, and had a warning sign pasted on it.

II. Punctuation

Incorrect: Faintly Irene heard her mother bid her farewell

Correct: Faintly, Irene heard her mother bid her farewell

Incorrect: Carelessly Irene waved her hand…

Correct: Carelessly, Irene waved her hand…

Incorrect: Absentmindedly she walked out from her house.

Correct: Absentmindedly, she walked out from her house.

Incorrect: She crept along the wall of an alleyway and saw the guy she was searching for was sitting behind it.

Correct: She crept along the wall of an alleyway and saw the guy she was searching for, sitting behind it.

Incorrect: She trembled hard, limbs weakened, her legs couldn't hold her body again, she slumped down.

Correct: She trembled hard; her limbs weakened. Her legs couldn't hold her body again,as she slumped down.

Incorrect: Irene gasped and turned, seeing the guy was running to the alleyway end, toward Suho who happened to pass by, seeing the guy plunged his knife into Suho's chest.

Correct: Irene gasped and turned; seeing the guy running to the alleyway end, towardsSuho who happened to pass by. He plunged his knife into Suho's chest.

III. Sentences that could be written in another way

Original: At school, at lunch break, Irene met Suho at his usual resting place, under a tree in the school backyard.

Modified: At school during lunch break, Irene proceeded to meet with Suho at his usual resting place. She headed to the school backyard, where Suho was waiting at his usual spot under a tree.

Original: Irene felt like being washed down with a bucket of ice, feeling cold in her spine

Modified: Irene felt like a bucket of ice was shoved down her being; a chill sent down her spine

Original: However, on the third period, instead on her art class, Irene was down in front of the empty warehouse.

Modified: However during the third period, instead of being at her art class, Irene was in front of the empty warehouse.

IV. Verb tense inconsistency

A voice caught her attention. It was from the two school boy that she always see every morning she departed to school. The ones that she always hand the band-aid. Yet it was the first time she payattention to their talks.

(The first verb was in the past tense, so the verbs that follow should also be in the past tense)

Tips for improvement::

► Your title, “On Repeat,” didn’t give me an impact. 

Although it fitted the story (obviously so), it just didn’t strike me in any way. Perhaps consider thinking of more witty titles for your next stories? Because the title is the first thing people will see. It’s one of the deciding factors whether he/she will read your story or not. It would be such a shame if they passed your story by just because of the title, when the content is amazing. Make sure you pick a title that would grab your reader’s attention!

►  May I suggest having a beta-reader? Beta-readers are people who offer the service of proofreading your work, and fixing all the little grammatical errors. So I’m told, because I have yet to try getting one myself. If so, then their services would be very useful to you.

► Don’t’ do this:

“5…

 4…

 Irene kept her eyes on the clock on top of her desk, clutching her phone in one hand.

 3…

 2…

 Tick… Tick… The thin long needle tickling showing the seconds passed.”

It’s informal. How about this instead?

Five… four…

Irene kept her eyes on the clock on top of her desk, clutching her phone in one hand.

Three… two…

TickTick.

 The thin long needle ticked showing the seconds passed.

(Notice that I changed the numbers into word form. I learned that from one of my teachers ^_^ )

►  By experience, I learned it’s always good to reread your work before publishing it. You’ll see mistakes you didn’t notice when you were writing.

Enjoyment:

Congratulations!

This story is worth recommending!

► I enjoyed your story so much! In my opinion, it should get noticed more (^_^)

Although this isn’t the first time I’ve read this kind of story (where the same day plays on and on; I’ve read a Kaisoo one before), your plot was great! I felt so empty when Irene died. I felt something like “this isn’t exactly what I had in mind…” It was just… wow. I liked it.

►From the beginning, you already had me at suspense. I was really wondering how it was going to end, and you did not disappoint. As I’ve said earlier, the ending was totally unexpected. Well done!

► Grammar is a component that I believe makes good writing. It might even irritate me if there are too many errors of that in a story. But even though you had grammatical mistakes, I was so focused on what was going on in the fic, I didn’t mind it so much! (^o^)

Extra Notes:

► Your story would have been perfect if not for the grammatical mistakes, so I hope you learned a lot from my review and make your next stories perfect (^_^) Because it seems you already have the creativity, you just need to tweak those English skills~Oh, and don’t forget to improve your title-making as well :D

► I do have a question for you author-nim (^_^) 

“The guy looked down. ‘Do you remember when I told you honorable death was legal?’”

How did he remember?? O_O Him telling her about that was from a different scenario!

► I loved the sneak-peak on your foreword by the way~ Fueled my curiosity~ 

► Umm… there was no , but there was implied . By that, I’m talking about the scene with Suho and Wendy in the warehouse.

I think you should have put a warning on the front of your story :(Because I myself didn’t expect that, and we wouldn’t underage readers to suddenly be surprised that it had that kind of content. I don’t know if you should mark it rated, but you should at least write a notice about it on your foreword.

'

Overall:

Overall, though it had a few grammatical mistakes, this was definitely a must-read!

In my opinion, that is. People should really give it a try, then decide for themselves whether they like it or not. It’s got the romance, got the mystery, got the suspense, and got the twist. It was written in a simple way that everyone can understand; no poetic lines or too much idioms. It is written as plain as day, and yet the fullness of the story was still brought out.

I was happy to have been able to read this story!

Your fic has now been placed in the recommendations list (^_^)

 Thanks for requesting! Hopefully this review helped!

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Have a nice day!