The Monster's Red Eyes

Author: MoroccanBlackDragon

Story Link: The Monster's red eyes.

Genre: Horror, Romance

Oneshot/chaptered: Chaptered (Complete)

Brief Summary: Kyungsoo will join a new school with an old history... a history that includes a beautiful tanned man with red eyes.

Good points:

► Your title is quite intriguing and would probably provoke curiosity.

► Your description was good as well. It was short and direct; there was a little mystery in it too.

► The whole concept of Jongin being a ghost locked up in school was indeed very unique. Especially when it came to the point of the story that revealed a past between him and Kyungsoo.

► The flow was well enough. I was able to follow through the events of the story.

► In the third chapter, concerning a big rewind to the past, you were able to convey how hurt Jongin was very well.

► The story started out with unknown things about Jongin, and in the end you were able to reveal those mysteries.  

Weak points:

► Most of your weak points have to do with grammatical errors.

Here are some examples:

I. Using “on” in the wrong way

Incorrect: “...a shaking clothed fragile body holding desperately on the poor phone…”

Correct: “...a shaking clothed fragile body desperately holding onto the poor phone…”

Incorrect: “He held on his bag as…”

Correct: “He held onto his bag as…”

Incorrect: “Everybody bumped on him like he was unseen…”

Correct: “Everybody bumped into him like he was unseen…”

II. Missing words & wrong wording

Incorrect: “Despite his sixteen years old…”

Correct:“Despite his being sixteen years old…”

Incorrect: “I wonder who is the unlucky to sit here.”

Correct: “I wonder who the unlucky person is that sat here.”

Incorrect: “He’s no more sitting here so no need to make fuzz.”

Correct: “He’s not sitting here anymore, so no need to make fuzz.”

Incorrect: “What did happen?”
Correct:“What happened?”

Incorrect: “…hand move…”
Correct:“…hand gesture…” (for better understanding)

Incorrect: “He wore back his school uniform…” 

Correct: “He wore his school uniform once again…” or

“He slipped back into his school uniform…”

Incorrect: “… in the middle of a lack of blood.” 

Correct:“… in the middle of a lake of blood.”

Incorrect: “…and I swear guys that it doesn’t worth it.”

Correct:“…and I swear guys that it isn’t worth it.”

III. Redundancy

Incorrect: “Kyungsoo offered a well hearted smile that made the kids smile.”

Correct:“Kyungsoo offered a hearted-shaped smile that the others couldn’t help but return.”

IV. Spelling

Incorrect: propotionned
Correct: proportioned

Incorrect: very frenetic
Correct: very frantic

Incorrect: himophilia                                     Correct: hemophilia

► Even though your flow was alright, there were some parts that still got me confused. Perhaps if they were worded in a different way, I would have understood better.

► To me, it seemed that Jongin and Kyungsoo’s relationship escalated a little too quickly in the first chapter, on Kyungsoo’s part. Because Jongin only saved him from a bully once and their interactions were still few at the time, but already Kyungsoo would cry when Jongin was called a monster. Defending him was correct, but there shouldn’t have been any crying yet because they had just become friends (even though to Jongin, they had already been more than that).

► I didn’t see any hint in the first two chapters about Sehun liking Kyungsoo, so when the third chapter came, it caught me off guard. In the previous chapters, Sehun was often mentioned with Joonmyeon, so I had no idea that he liked Kyungsoo. The same went with Chanyeol liking Sehun, and Yifan with Yixing. The only couple I was sure of was Jongdae and Baekhyun. I actually thought Luhan and Minseok were already together, but it turns out they weren’t. 

Tips for improvement::

►  May I suggest having a beta-reader? Beta-readers are people who offer the service of proofreading your work, and fixing all the little grammatical errors. So I’m told, because I have yet to try getting one myself. If so, then their services would be very useful to you.

► Don’t’ do this:

Flash back. Flash back. Flash back. Flash back. Flash back…

It’s informal. Perhaps writing the flashback scenes in italics would be better? For example, you write the current scene in normal straight font. But when you start writing the flashback, have it italicized.

►  By experience, I learned it’s always good to reread your work before publishing it. You’ll see mistakes you didn’t notice when you were writing.

► This is a tip I got from a reviewer before: names like Chan Yeol, Jong Dae and other two syllable names are written together in Korean. So it should be Chanyeol and Jongdae. Also, as for Jun Myun, I think it’s more widely spelled as either Joonmyeon or Joonmyun.

Enjoyment:

I enjoyed your story!

► This was the first time I’ve read something like this, and I liked how unique it was. I especially liked the thought of Jongin having either red or blue eyes. That’s just… wow. That’s hot, hahaha ^_^

► Also, I cried a bit at the time when Kyungsoo died and Jongin was missing him badly. I really felt some of Jongin’s pain at that part, so I was pleased with how you conveyed it. (You’re lucky I’m a weak er for angst >_< Hahaha) 

Extra Notes:

► Your story would have been perfect if not for the grammatical mistakes, so I hope you learned a lot from my review and make your next stories perfect (^_^) Because it seems you already have the creativity, you just need to tweak those English skills~

► For terms like hemophilia, I think you should have explained about it for those that didn't know what it meant. Or, you could have explained it in the author’s note.

► One of the genres of your story is horror, but I did not get scared at any part of the story. I didn't know if that should have been part of the criteria as a weak point, so I left it out. Perhaps once I've asked around, I will be able to better review horror stories.  :)

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Overall:

Overall, thought it had a few mistakes here and there, this is definitely worth a read for any Kaisoo fan. It’s a fresh plot, and I think once you’ve tweaked it, the story could go very far. I’m sure many will enjoy this story!

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