Oh Sehun is 18 years old.

He is born into a rich family with caring parents and an older brother.

Oh Sehun is a teenager entering the adult life, a bud of a flower ready to bloom, but one that has never seen the light of day.

Born into a rich family, he has parents that care but also parents that are ashamed. Ashamed of his disability.

Oh Sehun is 18 years old, and he is blind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is different.

Sehun can smell the crispness of the air, can hear the excitement in the chirps of the birds, and can taste the foreignness of the water as he sticks out his tongue.

Something big is going to happen today.

He makes his way into school, moving left until the air feels right, walking forwards until he can hear the familiar chatters of the students, turning whenever he smells the paint on the walls that indicates a dead end. Sehun has always had an instinct for directions – he seldom bumps into anything – it’s as if he has a third eye in the middle of his forehead that can see 360 degrees.

Sehun’s used to a normal school. At first it’s hard because everyone moves so much faster than he does, as if they’re leaving him behind, and Sehun would be a liar if he said he hasn’t heard the quietest of whispers around him about him. Why is he here? Tell him to go back to the land of Retards!

His lack of eyesight is slowing the whole class down.

Why does he get special privileges? Why do we have to give way for him?

Stuff like that. Sehun is used to it – in fact, whenever the whispers stop, Sehun feels strange, as if something is missing.

As he finds his own usual seat nearest to the door, he feels something crisp hit the back of his head.

“Get back to your island, ugly freak! Your face is enough to blind the whole class!” A rough, deep voice jeers, followed by other hoarse laughs and small whispers by girls. Sehun’s heart drops, and even though he gets this treatment regularly, it still hurts.

Clenching his fists, he endures the whole lesson of quiet taunts, breathing a sigh of relief when he hears the bell, then rushes out faster than anyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The tap is cold, and the sound of rushing water enters his ears. The water is cool and slides through his fingers smoothly and flawlessly. Beautifully, unlike the warm blood he’s so used to feeling.

The wound on his arm burns, but it’s nothing compared to the scar on his heart. The pain of worthlessness, of uselessness, of feeling like he’s lower than trash stalks him every day and haunts him every night.

He hates it when people treat him like nothing, like he’s a burden to this world. He hates it even more because they’re right.

Am I really that detestable?

He hates his ugliness, and whenever his calloused fingers reach up to touch his cheeks, he does everything in his power not to rip his face in half.

He slides down the restroom wall of the school, covering his face in his hands as he sobs quietly into the silence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sehun stays in the restroom until he hears the last bell of the school ring. He doesn’t have to worry about people coming in because he’s in the disabled bathroom, meant for, of course, him and no one else. The school disabled restroom is his only place of escape.

As soon as he steps out, he knows he’s not alone. He had always had something in him that can sense when there is someone around, and this is someone he has never met before, he's sure (or if he has, he doesn't remember it). Sehun turns and hastily walks, hoping to pass the strange presence by without attracting too much attention. It doesn’t work, though, and he is shocked when strong fingers wrap themselves around his wrist and turns him around, pressing him up against the wall.

Before Sehun can speak, apologise or punch, he feels something soft press against his lips. They are warm and very, very enticing. Not because this person before him is a good kisser, but because of the tingly warmth he feels inside his gut when he was being kissed. It’s a warmth Sehun hasn’t been able to feel for a long time. It’s a warmth that makes him feel like a child again, pampered and cared for; loved.

The other person pulls away after a while, those delicious lips close to Sehun’s ear. Sehun shivers.

“You’re beautiful.” The words come out as a whisper, so simple and yet the meaning behind it so powerful. The voice is unfamiliar, and the strangeness of it makes Sehun feel lost; lost, but calm. He feels long, nimble fingers slide down his cheek softly, tracing the mark his tears had left, and he feels the same pair of lips kiss his forehead.

Then he’s gone, and Sehun’s left alone in the long, winding corridor.

He’s a man, Sehun figures out after a few more encounters. Every time Sehun leaves the restroom after school, he’s always there. So much that his presence isn’t foreign anymore – in fact, it’s more familiar than anything, and definitely a nice little surprise after every bad experience of school Sehun has endured. Every time, Sehun would walk past, feel those thin fingers grab him, twist him around onto a wall and kiss him softly. Although the lips are soft and inviting, the fingers are long and slightly rough, the grip strong and boyish. The way the man handles Sehun is gentle, but at the same time has a dynamic force to it that lets Sehun know that it’s not a girl. Although the person is smaller (Sehun could feel), it’s still a he because of the way he sighs into Sehun’s neck, of the way his teeth grazes Sehun’s ear whenever he needs to say something.

And he says it every time. After Sehun’s battered and bruised after his heart has been stamped on by all the bullies (they turn out to be guys, not girls) in his class, getting shoved to lockers by rough hands and feel the hits coming on, or just feeling the numbing pain inside him overwhelmed by the wounds he inflicts on himself, he finds him there waiting, comforting him with smooth kisses and light touches, whispering sweet nothings that mean everything to Sehun.

After a while, whenever Sehun feels his presence, Sehun would walk straight towards the bubbly aura of warmth, feeling familiar hands tangle themselves in his hair as they pull him closer.

Sehun hardly knows him, doesn’t even know his name, but under the presence of the stranger, Sehun feels safe, and he feels the first glimmers of happiness flutter inside him. Something he hasn’t felt for a long time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today has been the worst of harassments.

He opens his locker and stretches his hand inside, unsuspecting, since the attacks have stopped for a while. He hears something before he feels it - a soft hiss, something that his ears have been trained to hear and avoid. He yelps and backs away, arm flinching as if he had just touched fire, and he slips on a banana peel, toppling backwards, his books flying astray, and he somehow lands on a rubbish bin.

Laughter breaks out all around him, and he realises later that it’s only a recording tape, not a real snake, having the same sound repeated over and over again. He smells the stink on him, hears the sniggers. There are so many of them, all around him, laughing and laughing until his head hurts.

Sehun’s face burns, and he hastily stretches his arms wildly to search for his books. He gasps in pain when he feels something hard, like the bottom of a shoe, step on his fingers.

“Get a life, freak.” The person above him spits, and he hears his stack of books land next to him with a loud thud.

After the mean laughter dies away, Sehun picks himself up, grabs his books and rushes over to the bathroom, needing to clean himself up.

He gets out later and arrives late to class. When the teacher asks to check his homework, Sehun feels for his book and finds it, ignoring the almost foreign feeling to it as he hands it over. There was a tense silence, and Sehun realises the danger a little too late before he hears a loud slap ring around the classroom and a stinging burn on his cheek.

“You think this is funny?” His teacher snaps, wincing as he feels a strong grip on his hair pulling at him. “You think you’re so great because you’re a disabled teenager allowed to attend normal school? So superior that you decide to write an essay on your teacher’s personal life? Detention with me every lunchtime until the end of this term!” Even without being able to see, Sehun can sense the embarrassment and rage from his teacher, and he can hear the distant laughter in the background. He hears his things fall to the floor as the teacher angrily sweeps everything on his table away, then dismisses the whole class.

Quietly he begins picking his things up after everyone leaves, the humiliation burning him up inside out, and he grips his pens tightly, immersed in his own world of self-hatred. He doesn’t notice that there’s someone else there until he feels soft hands place his own pens in his hands, feels the smooth skin brush across his timidly.

Dumbly, he lets the girl who stayed behind with him pull his sleeve towards a room he’s never been to, a room that smells different from all the rooms he’s been in. The air is quiet and Sehun feels a weak grip wanting to push him down onto a chair. Sehun waits silently until he feels something cold dab at his cheek.

“They’re bastards,” A voice says softly. She sounds like a quiet bell, beautiful if you listen to it closely. Sehun is dumbfounded. He feels the soft cotton touch his cheek, and it reminds him of the kiss he’s shared with Him.

“Wh-What?” He splutters.

“I saw what they were planning. I’m sorry, I didn’t know they were doing this to someone.” She sounds sincere, but Sehun isn’t sure. No one’s paid that much attention to him before, except Him.

“Those guys are jealous of you. They’re jealous because you’re attracting a lot of girls. They’re too scared to speak up, though.” Sehun decides he can’t believe it, decides to shut out the genuine tone she uses when she speaks. Because it isn’t true. Sehun has never attracted anything but trouble.

“The teacher too, he’s such a jerk.” The girl seems as if she’s venting out for her own sake, her voice rising and becoming more high-pitched as she speaks. He feels her beginning to treat some cuts on his face that he’s got from getting beat up by those guys. When she goes for his arms, the very same ones marred with scars he himself has inflicted, he instinctively pulls away.

“I’m fine.” He mumbles. Silence answers him, and he’s beginning to feel uncomfortable around someone else’s presence.

“I’ll be going then.” By now Sehun has the feeling of her hands memorised. And her voice. “Don’t give up now. Hwaiting.” He hears the door open, and even though she might be faking, there’s a chance that she’s not, and Sehun takes that chance.

“Wait!” He calls out, and feels the girl stop. “Th-Thank you.” He mumbles, lips twisting up into a small but sincere smile. There was a pause, as if the girl’s contemplating something, but she rushes away.

Silence answers him, but it’s one that’s enough of an answer to him.

Little does he know how dazzling he looked when he smiled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just as he walks out of the sick bay, smiling foolishly to himself because someone helped him today, he doesn’t notice a presence of a few boys. Before he knows it, he’s pushed against the lockers again.

“All great now, are yeh, now that you’ve got a girl?” The leader snarls, and Sehun can smell the danger and stink in his breath. He winces when he feels a punch towards his face. Attacks of rage and jealousy come towards him, and he feels it in every blow – feels the hatred transfer into him and turns into his own. He feels his battered body throbbing, his heart thumping, even after they have left.

Sehun gets up, hobbling towards his restroom, deciding once and for all that he’s got nothing left to live. What’s the point of coming to school every day just to have to endure all this treatment? Just because he was blind? He couldn’t stand it, and he doesn’t want to give them a satisfaction of a punching bag anymore.

And his heart hurt. Hurt because of how he’s not loved, not even by his own self.

Even amongst the darkness of his vision, he feels his eyes wet with tears, and he stumbles, falling, but getting up again. Many times he wants to just lie there, but he knows that in doing so, nothing will end. Just as he feels his way around and decides that he’s there, he falls into strong arms instead.

Those familiar arms, ones that have brought him a small piece of happiness for the last few weeks. He collapses into them, sobbing, feeling the safe hold on him tighten.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.” Sehun gasps, clutching on what seems to be a leather jacket, taking in the familiar smell of smoke and honey that He always had on him. A part of Sehun wants to push him away because he doesn’t want him to see him like this. A pathetic, battered, unloved mess. When he’s about to do so, though, the arms around him tighten until he’s locked into an embrace he’s too weak to break out of. Silence answers him, but the gesture that He just did is enough. Sehun trembles in his hold, feeling salty tears mingle with his blood, creating a salty metallic taste on his tongue.

He feels no kiss, and he doesn’t ask for it. Not yet. Not when he’s damaged like this. Only when he’s calmed down does he feel those same lips press against his, until he feels nothing but the warmth that the kiss gives him, until his previous thoughts of suicide is gone.

“Go out with me,” The man murmurs into Sehun’s ear, his voice soft and velvety like that of a singer’s. “I’ll make you happy.” Sehun’s unseeable eyes widen.

“But I hardly know you. I don’t even know your name.” Those are not the words Sehun’s confused inwardly about. What he wants to ask is Why me? What do you see in me?

“You’ll get to know me.” The grip on him tightens, as if he’s afraid to let Sehun go. The fact that Sehun’s being kissed by a man right now means nothing to him. The fact that this man might be the ugliest thing in the world means nothing to him. What matters to him, though, is that this man has given him attention, given him a warmth that escaped him the moment he became more aware of the world. And he needs that attention, yearns for that warmth.

“Sehunnah.” He breathes. Sehun shivers at the sound of his name on that person’s tongue.

What did Sehun have to lose?

He nods feebly, feeling the air around him brighten with happiness as he’s pulled into a hug tighter than he’s ever felt. So tight that the wounds on his body throbbed, hurting.

But it doesn’t matter, because right now Sehun feels safer than he’s ever had in his life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His name is Lu Han.

After the seed of their relationship is planted on the ground, Lu Han stops their make-out sessions because he wants to start anew. They usually meet on the school gardens at the back of the school, a place Sehun has never been because he’s never been able to see anything.

Sehun was involved in a car accident when he was seven years old.  It nearly took his life.

But instead, it took away his eyesight.

Sehun knows he should be grateful, and he was, but nowadays he wonders to himself whether his death back then would bring out a greater good in the world, however slight.

He remembers briefly some pictures, a place where everything is bright and colourful, but now he’s forgotten even the colours themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Why do you like me?” Sehun asks as he feels the smooth but manly fingers entwined in his own. They’ve been together three weeks, but Sehun feels as if he’s known Lu Han forever. His presence is the most familiar Sehun’s ever felt, and he’s never been happier in his life. Sehun asks because he’s curious, but also for the sake of listening to his voice.

“That’s simple, isn’t it?” Lu Han replies, the same velvety tone ringing in the air around them. “You have a cute habit of sticking your tongue out every now and then.”

“That’s it?” Sehun asks playfully, the cheekiness that had been buried deep inside him beginning to surface. It's been better for him now ever since Lu Han had asked him out. Even the bullies have stopped mysteriously, almost as if there is a mastermind pulling at the strings. He doesn't realise until later that it's Lu Han's doing. He unwarily his lips. “You chose me for my tongue?”

He hears Lu Han’s laugh, one that’s soft in response to his donsaeng’s flirts. For once, Sehun wishes to see how Lu Han laughed, how happiness would be etched onto his expression.

“No, that’s not it.” Lu Han admits eventually. “Have you ever seen your laugh?”

“Not since I was around 6, no.” Sehun rolls his eyes at the silly question.

“You have a beautiful laugh. One where the skin on your cheeks pushes up your eyes until they’re small lines on your face, and your lips would be pulled upwards in a wide smile. It’s endearing, really.”

Sehun’s silent as he listens to the truth roll out of Lu Han’s tongue rather than the meaning of the words, and decides to accept it.

It’s only when he arrives home that he realises something: he hasn’t laughed in two and a half years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the span of a month, Sehun learns that Lu Han is four years older than him, nearly finishing college. The smell of smoke constantly on his clothes is because all his friends in college spoke more often than not. Lu Han has admitted that he used to smoke, but not anymore.

He also learns that Lu Han has a soft laugh and a loud one, both of which sparks a yearning inside Sehun, and for the first time in years, he wishes he can see for the sake of looking at someone and not for the sake of being normal.

The desire to see Lu Han, no matter how ugly he might be, burns inside Sehun, and he finds himself screaming out in frustration at night for not being able to. For never being able to.

“Tell me what you look like.” Sehun whispers one day as they sit on their favourite bench of the school garden. “Describe. Please.”

It’s a request that’s been asked many times, and usually Lu Han would reply with a “No, I’m too ugly”, but it seems as if Lu Han’s heard the desperation in Sehun’s voice now, because this time he complies honestly.

“I … Right now, I have light brown hair and bangs that nearly cover my eyebrows and sweep to the … uh, left side of my face? I …uh, well … I … the trait I like most about myself is my eyes. Because they sparkle, you know?” Lu Han brightens up at the last few words, and Sehun feels him perk up beside him as he does so.

“…But, uh … other than that I have … normal skin? Not too dark or fair. My lips are … uhm, big or small? I don’t really know … My ears are … I just … Why don’t you just feel my face and figure out for yourself?” Lu Han finishes lamely, his voice trailing off uncertainly as he did so. Sehun laughs.

“Why can’t you describe yourself? It’s not that hard. You’re not blind.” Sehun hears no reply, and wonders if he’s gone too far.

“Okay. But whatever I do, you can’t complain because you’re the one who suggested this.” He feels Lu Han about to protest, but before he can, Sehun has his face in his hands. His fingers run over the side of Lu Han’s face, tracing his jaw, and he can’t help but think how sharp it is, how smooth his skin is. It’s perfect, flawless, and no matter how long he took to find a pimple, any trace of a bump, it was all in vain.

Next, he feels the soft lips through his fingertips. Lu Han’s lips are soft and very small. He feels a very slight, very narrow dip down the bottom lip and feels the skin of his thumb on the unusual mark.

“It’s a scar.” Lu Han explains, and Sehun almost let out a smile, feeling Lu Han’s lips quirk up into a small pout as he speaks, as if his lips are so small that they need to bunch up together in order to form words. “I don’t know where I got it from.”

Sehun reaches outwards, feeling the high cheekbones and soft skin, tracing the two lines that form whenever Lu Han smiles. He reaches further outwards, feeling the round shape of Lu Han’s ears, then upwards onto the soft, silky hair. He runs his hands through, knowing he can’t get enough of it but also knowing that he has to stop if he wanted to feel more.

He touches Lu Han’s forehead under his bangs, feeling the smoothness of it. He moves down until he feels Lu Han close his eyes, feels those long eyelashes – that he has never noticed until now – brush across his palms as he lightly runs his thumbs cross Lu Han’s closed eyes. His eyelashes are extremely long, and Sehun can feel the corners of his eyes curve up slightly when his face changes into a smile.

Sehun moves his hand down the middle, and from there he starts to trace down towards the tip of Lu Han’s nose. He feels the perfect bridge, no hook, just a smooth down slope, not too pointy nor too blunt. It’s perfect once again. Sehun’s tempted to stick his finger in one of Lu Han’s nostrils just to , but he doesn’t want to ruin this moment; this moment of tranquillity, of comfort, of trust.

Once again he continues, trying and trying beyond his imagination to picture Lu Han’s face, but it comes out distorted because he hasn’t seen a face in ten years. He realises now that Lu Han’s beautiful, from the tip of his nose to the tips of his toes. Even if this face might be considered ugly (he wouldn’t know though), it’s beyond perfect. And he smiles, knowing that he’s got all this to himself, knows that even though he can’t see the beauty, he can appreciate it.

While he’s gently memorising Lu Han’s face with his hands, he doesn’t catch those sparkling eyes staring at him with desire, with want, with love.

 

 

 

 

They meet in that usual place outside the restroom, even though Sehun doesn’t go there anymore.

As he lets himself be led by Lu Han, he feels them turning in a different direction.

“Where are we going?” He asks, panicky and tempted to pull his arm from Lu Han’s grasp. Instead, he feels a reassuring squeeze.

“Let’s go for a walk today.”

Sehun is reluctant, but he says nothing. Lu Han’s pace is too fast, and Sehun feels like he’s about to trip at any second. His heart is throbbing wildly, but he forces his fear down, forces himself to trust Lu Han.

After a while, they stop somewhere, a place where Sehun can’t feel any presence of trees or buildings, or anything at all.

“W-where are we?” He clenches and unclenches his fists after he lets go of Lu Han, and sinks to the floor. Without the feeling of objects around him, he feels lost.

“We’re in an open field! It’s my favourite place.” Lu Han’s voice comes in, and Sehun hears his laugh – wild, joyful; free. Usually he would smile at this new side to his boyfriend, but he can barely hear it under his panicked, distorted thoughts.

“I-I can’t see,” Sehun gasps, and that’s when Lu Han realises something’s wrong. Sehun feels a sudden presence closing up on him, and he pushes it away, scared.

“Lu Han, why did you bring me here?” He’s close to getting angry now, but that’s only an excuse to mask his blindness. Without being able to feel presences of other objects, he feels more blind than he has ever felt.

“I …”

“T-Take me b-back …” This time, he’s close to tears. He feels a presence somewhere in the distance – he doesn’t know where, and it comes towards him slowly, so slow that he begins to feel more calm and less restless. He doesn’t know he’s trembling until familiar arms wrap themselves around him into a tight embrace, until he realises he’s so scared that he needs to clutch onto Lu Han’s soft T-Shirt for balance.

“I’ll help you get used to this environment.” Lu Han’s voice is soft, reassuring, but firm. “You can’t run away from it forever.”

“Are you heartless?” Sehun rolls his eyes through his hiccups. “I can’t see at all in this environment. I don’t know which way to go. My senses don’t reach that fa – “

“It’s not a matter of learning how to see. It’s a matter of learning how to deal with spaces like these.” With that, he gently lowers Sehun down, grabs his hand and lets him feel what they’re standing on right now. Sehun feels soft blades of grass tickle his fingertips.

“You see? You have more than one sense, Sehun.” Lu Han’s voice is gentle. “Sure, you’ve always had a good instinct, but that doesn’t mean you neglect your other senses.

“At times like these, you have to rely on the rest of your body. You feel grass, so you must know that it’s somewhere that humans haven’t changed for the purpose of constructing new buildings. How long is the grass? If it’s long, with no other flowers, it must be a place where people don’t usually go to, or need. Does it feel stepped on? If it doesn’t, then you must be quite far off from the rest of the world. Turn back around, and start walking the other way until you feel that the grass has been freshly cut. What about your sense of smell? Do you smell smoke from chimneys? Do you smell scents from bakeries? Do you smell the scent of freshly cut grass?

“What about hearing? Are there birds chirping, people shouting? Rustling of leaves? Something like that. That’s what you need to take note of whenever one of your senses is down, Sehunnie. Don’t run away from this, because you might need it someday.”

“How … do you even know this stuff?” Sehun feels tempted to rip the grass from its roots, frustrated, angry, but most of all awed at how he needed someone that’s not blind like Lu Han to teach him something that he should’ve taken note of a long time ago.

“Well … Stuff happens. Now why don’t we give it a try?” Before Sehun can protest, he feels his shoes and socks come off, and he feels the softness of the grass between his toes.

“What if I step on a nail?” Sehun retorts sarcastically, but at the same he feels the thrill of doing something so different, so exciting.

“That’ll wake you up, won’t it?” Sehun hears Lu Han’s chuckle ring in the vast air like bells. It makes him feel flustered, and instead he turns his head away, hoping the older one hasn’t caught the pink in his cheeks.

“You’re doing this because you want me to like your ‘favourite place’, aren’t you?” He mutters, beginning to get used to the difference between long blades of grass and cut ones.

There was a short silence, then Sehun hears a laugh. “Maybe.”

He can sense the playfulness in it, and he wishes he can see the teasing expression on Lu Han’s face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I want to see.” Sehun declares once they’re in a café after they’ve done their little exercise.

“There are things better left unseen,” Lu Han replies lightly.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well …” Lu Han trails off, as if thinking, then: “If you can’t see, it means you can create your own version of the world, you know? You won’t have to be restricted by the rules of forms, of constantly looking at something you don’t want to believe in … you get what I mean?”

“No.” Sehun replies almost immediately, urging the tips of his lips to stay down. “I want to see!”

“…” There’s a sigh, but not one of annoyance, rather one of a mother reacting to a child’s aegyo. Nevertheless, he lets Sehun continue.

“I … I’ve been on the lookout for anyone who’s willing to donate eyes,” Sehun speaks quietly. “I’m always asking the doctors if they can help me, but the ones that are willing, which have only been the dead ones, their eyes aren’t suitable for me.” Sehun lets out a heavy sigh.

“I just … I really do want to see.” The tone was serious, with a hint of sadness and longing. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see. It’s just wishful thinking, you know?”

The silence was deafening and definitely tense, the air heavy with a sense of unfamiliarity, because for the first time, Lu Han and Sehun can’t understand each other.

“I ….”

“What did you say?”

 

But that doesn’t mean they can’t try.

 

“I’ll be your eyes.” Laced with uncertainty, but b with determination.

Sehun feels a smile twitching at the corners of his lips.

“You can’t describe to save your life.”

“Watch me.”

And in that moment, Sehun couldn’t have asked for anything more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’re back again in that school garden, and frankly, Oh Sehun can’t see the point of sitting there every day.

“Why are we always here? There’s nothing to do here.” Sehun complains, but doesn’t admit the fact that he likes the sun shining down over his face and feel the soft grass between his fingers.

“Flowers, of course! What else is there?” Lu Han’s reply comes after a pause.

“But we’ve been meeting here for years! I don’t even go to this school anymore.” Sehun lies down onto the grass and his hand pats around until it finds Lu Han’s smaller one.

“This is our meeting place, silly.” Sehun hears a small cough, and wonders if Lu Han’s doing it to dismiss Sehun’s afterthoughts.

“This is a garden, but I can’t see any flowers!” Sehun grumbles. He’s answered by silence, and for a moment he wonders if he’s gone too far, but then he hears Lu Han’s small cough from far away. After a while, he hears Lu Han approach him once again, and something is shoved on his hands.

“Here you go.” Sehun feels his boyfriend plop down next to him again, and there’s that cough again.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Sehun deadpans, feeling the smooth and slightly furriness of the stem, then the soft texture of the petals between his fingers. Flowers are so delicate, and Sehun decides once and for all that it’s not his thing.

“I mean, I know flowers are supposed to be beautiful and all, and you told me like so many times that I have to ‘appreciate the unseeable beauty’ or something and such but I mean come on how am I supposed to …” Sehun continues to blabber, and hears the quiet coughs beside him, knowing that Lu Han’s letting him continue just so he can have a chance to in later.

“Besides, flowers are for girls you know and I’m not – “ Before he can finish, though, he feels a hand grab his wrist and shove it towards his face. Out of surprise, Sehun yelps, but stops after he’s sure Lu Han isn’t going to torture him.

“What?” He squeaks softly after a long moment of no response from Lu Han. He could hardly breathe because of the proximity.

“Smell.” Was the only demand that came from Lu Han’s soft voice.

“… Huh?”

“Sniff. Use your nose, dumbhun!”

With that, Sehun takes a small, cautious sniff, and the smell stuns him so much that he’s speechless.

“Do you understand now?”

Sehun’s too dumbfounded to speak.

“I told you to use more than one sense to appreciate beauty.” Lu Han lets out a small cough. “Just like how you can’t judge someone by its cover, you can’t judge something just because you can’t see it!”

Sehun reddens in shame.

“Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate its beauty.”

“Ah, yeah.” He briefly remembers something similar like this a few years ago. Or maybe he doesn’t. “Sorry. I forgot.”

A grunt of satisfaction replies him and then silence once again. Sehun hears a soft snore barely a minute later.

This is normal nowadays because Lu Han’s so tired. The main reason for it is probably, Sehun thinks, because of Lu Han’s work.

While Lu Han sleeps, Sehun moves around to flowerbeds, taking in different scents, recalling how he used to smell flowers when he was younger instead of looking at them. Ever since he had grown up, Sehun had forgotten the hidden beauty of flowers. The scents are subtle, soft, and barely there, but it’s there, and its aroma is enough to send Sehun joy.

“…Sehunnie?” The small cough is back, and Sehun uses that to guide himself back to where Lu Han is. He feels familiar arms wrap around him and drinks in Lu Han’s intoxicating lips. The smell of honey is as sweet as ever and the smoke just as y.

“Yes?” Sehun pulls away and leans his forehead on Lu Han’s neck.

“Why don’t we get out of this garden once in a while?” Sehun perks up at the suggestion.

“Look, if this is because of what I said earlier – “

“We can try it out once in a while, can’t we?”

“I’ll be a bother. Don’t worry too much about it.”

“Let’s go.” Lu Han urges, his grip on Sehun’s hand tightening, pulling.

“It’s actually not that bad, honest. Besides, you want to rest, right? Work’s been too much for you, and …”

“Work hasn’t been too much at all. It’s just my stamina … Never mind that, let’s just go… Walk around in Seoul or something.”

Sehun gives in, not because he’s not stubborn enough, but because he’s a little eager inside for something new.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the first time in two and a half years that they’ve walked together outside, in the open streets, where danger can come at any second.

But Sehun’s not scared, because Lu Han’s by his side.

What he’s scared for, though, is Lu Han.

He knows there must be a reason that Lu Han hasn’t ventured out into the open these past few years, almost as if he’s scared of being seen. Sehun’s confused, but he hasn’t ever questioned, just like he hasn’t questioned how Lu Han suddenly pops into his life and starts kissing him out of nowhere, doesn’t question how Lu Han seems to like quiet places rather than crowded ones.

The only thing Sehun hears as he’s being led by Lu Han is small occasional coughs. Throughout these years, Sehun has gotten used to being led, because now he knows Lu Han won’t lead him into small trees or bumpy rocks, let alone vast oceans and gaping holes. Whenever there’s something to look out for, however small, Lu Han would point it out just so Sehun doesn’t get hurt, and Sehun appreciates that.

“Sehunnie, watch out. We’re going to step up a little now.” It’s followed by another cough.

“Hyung, why do you keep coughing?” It’s something Sehun notices now that he has nothing else to notice. It’s soft, and he’s gotten so used to it that he doesn’t remember when it started.

“…It’s probably from hay fever, I don’t know.” Lu Han replies while sniffing. “I’ve always had severe cases of those.” Sehun remembers how there were more coughs when Lu Han was looking out for the flowers, and almost laughs aloud.

“I thought flowers were weak, but turns out you’re weaker.” He says playfully, and receives a small blow to the head.

Sehun knows they’re in Seoul when he hears the soft buzzing of conversations and the constant beeping of cars. He’s probably only been there once or twice in the last decade because of his disability, and the noise makes him feel dizzy.

“Let’s go walk around the buildings or something.” Lu Han speaks up, pays for the taxi and gets out, helping Sehun.

The younger is, meanwhile, awed by the noise. He can’t see anything, but he can feel the presences. There are so many people.

Lu Han is quiet, and Sehun can feel the tension just from the grip his hyung has on him. Lu Han walks slow, making sure that Sehun’s close to him.

“…Hyung?” Sehun speaks up uncertainly.

“Stay close to me.”

At first, Sehun doesn’t understand why, but then he feels the constant buzzing of conversation turn into squeals of excitement.

“He’s from the magazine!”

“Wow, so he really does exist!”

“Who’s that beside … never mind that, we need his autograph!”

Before Sehun knows it, he feels himself get crowded. It’s never happened before, and it frightens Sehun enough to squeeze Lu Han’s hand tightly.

“… Lu Han oppa? Are you a model?” A voice asks, and Sehun hears giggles.

“Can I have your autograph?”

“Lu Han oppa, you’re so handsome!”

“Lu Han oppa, do you prefer chicken or dumplings?”

“Lu Han oppa, your eyes sparkle much more in real life!”

It goes on and on, but Sehun doesn’t hear the questions anymore, because he’s drowning in his own confusion. Just who is Lu Han exactly?

Lu Han’s quiet as he answers the questions softly, thanks the fans kindly, but Sehun knows he’s impatient, frustrated, by the strong grip he has on Sehun’s hand. Because this is not what they were planning. They weren’t planning to be surrounded by fangirls.

Sehun hears squeals and giggles all around him whenever Lu Han speaks, and that’s when he realises something. Lu Han’s not ugly, unlike what he’s been trying to convince Sehun for years. In fact, he’s more than ugly.

He’s beautiful.

Not only Sehun sees it, but others do too. Everyone probably does, and that’s why Sehun hasn’t seen Lu Han in public before. A part of him is glad that he’s not disillusioned like he’s wondered about for a long time, and another part is jealous that everyone gets to see what Lu Han looks like when he doesn’t.

That everyone appreciates Lu Han as much as he does.

Sehun’s angry, angry that he doesn’t have Lu Han like he thought he had, and he’s angry that these girls are gushing over him. He feels hands brush past him, and he loses it.

Without really knowing where to go, he walks and starts pulling Lu Han away, counting on his instincts and the way he feels shadows fall on him to direct them to somewhere quieter. They walk until the constant buzz fades away, until Sehun can feel a different kind of breeze his face, until he knows they’re at a park.

“You said you were ugly this whole time! You made me believe that for two years!” Sehun finally speaks after a moment of silence. At first, Lu Han doesn’t reply. It’s when they find a bench to sit on does his hyung answer.

“I hate it.” His voice is soft yet again, and while this time it’s almost emotionless, Sehun can detect a hint of emotion beneath it. “I hate how they all treat me like I’m a porcelain doll. Lifeless, emotionless, and brainless. They tell me to stop laughing, because they think my laugh is ugly. They tell me to stop moving, all because I can’t sit still. Because I have innocent-looking eyes and sometimes I just can’t reply to things fast enough, they think I’m stupid.

“They want me to be something different, and every day I go there being just that. It’s tiring, Sehun. It’s so tiring.”

Sehun feels soft hair tickle his neck as a small weight is set on his shoulder when Lu Han leans towards him, and this is the first time that Lu Han’s ever really opened up to him. Part of him accepts it, the other angry at why Lu Han can’t have done this earlier.

“All my life, I’ve wanted someone not to accept my looks, but me as well. The me inside, even the me outside. You should be able to understand it.”

Sehun does, he understands it more than anything, but something in Lu Han’s words triggers anger from within him.

He’s pushed Lu Han away before he knows it.

“What? So this is the reason you’ve chosen me out of everyone else?” Sehun clenches his fist, and he feels the anger overwhelming him so much that he can only see red beneath the darkness. “So I can accept you? Because I can’t see you?”

“Sehun, I – “

“How could you? Get away from me.” Sehun smashes his fists on the bench, and he feels hot, frustrated tears streaming down his cheeks, not because of the fact that he’s been used, but because he can only be useful for something like this.

Because he knows he should be thankful that someone chose him at all.

No one comforts him as he punches his frustration out. No one comforts him when he tries terribly hard to restrain falling tears. No one comforts him when he feels raw pain on his knuckles. No one comforts him.

He’s panting, and his fingers are throbbing, and his heart is hurting. He wouldn’t be surprised if Lu Han’s gone already.

What surprises him, though, is feeling arms wound around him just like it has all those other times. This time, he has no strength to fight back, and that’s probably what Lu Han is looking and waiting for.

“You idiot,” the voice that speaks in his ear is hoarse as he lets out a cough afterwards, and so, so angry. Sehun has never heard Lu Han so angry before. “You stupid idiot.”

There’re no blows, no attacks, no words of accusation or demands of apology. The feeling is enough; Lu Han’s feelings are enough, and even though there are no messages of explanation, Sehun can taste the words in the air.

The grip on him, the digging of Lu Han’s nails on his shoulder is sharp, and it hurts. Sehun can tell Lu Han’s noticed the blood probably caked on his knuckles, because he feels Lu Han shaking in his arms. That’s when Sehun realises that Lu Han’s not angry, but furious. Sehun can tell that Lu Han’s trying to hold it in by the giant heaving of the shoulders as he tries to take deep breaths. Just by trying to control himself, Sehun can tell that it’s tiring Lu Han out. And it makes him wonder just what the hell they tell him to do that’s so tiring. 

Just Lu Han trying to restrain himself in order to prevent a fight was enough for Sehun. More than enough.

“If you … If you hurt yourself again, I swear to EXO …” Lu Han gasps, but before he can finish, he feels lips inaccurately brush across his cheek, and immediately he knows what Sehun wants to do.

Smiling lightly, he grabs Sehun’s cheeks and smashes their lips together.  The kiss passionate, full of so much intensity that they’re drowning in their emotions. Sehun’s brought back together in reality when Lu Han pulls away to cough. Instead, Sehun blindly reaches out an arm until he finds the older’s shoulders, pulling him closer until his head is on his shoulder again.

“Sleep, hyung.” He says softly, feeling the small body beneath his arm. “I want some quiet time.”

Even though that’s not true, and they both know it, Lu Han complies anyway, because he’s so tired he can’t find the strength to argue. Though Sehun feels the raw skin of his knuckles throb along with his heart, he doesn’t care, because he’s made up with Lu Han, and nothing else means more to him than that.

“Thank you for taking me out today.” He whispers, wanting to kiss Lu Han’s lips but ends up kissing the tip of his nose instead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Lu Han!” Sehun calls as he feels the cold metal under his fingers. They’re up on a hill overlooking beautiful Seoul, and even though Sehun doesn’t see it, he feels it – the fresh air and the powerful wind.

He doesn’t understand why Lu Han’s so slow, and hears Lu Han’s voice at a distance away.

“Sehunnie,” a voice calls back, “it’s a little dangerous out there.”

“Come!” Sehun urges. “What’s the point of walking all the way up here when you can’t see a thing? You should appreciate the fact that you CAN see such a beautiful view!”

There’s silence aside from the howling of the wind.

“C’mon!” Sehun whines and decides to turn back and attempt to find Lu Han, but he knows he doesn’t need to, because eventually he’ll find himself in Lu Han’s arms.

He does.

“Silly.” The voice is close now, the hint of a cold in the tone of his velvety voice. It’s cute, actually. “Don’t walk around like that. What if you fall?”

Sehun grins and grabs Lu Han before pulling him back towards the edge of the hill. He feels Lu Han tense up but there is no resistance.

When he finds the cold metal again, he grabs onto it joyfully and lets out a large shout, words of nothingness ringing into the air and might even possibly reach some of the passengers down in the large town of Seoul.

“OHOT! OHORAT! AJAJAJAA! YEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!”

It’s only after a long time does he calm down, but he’s still laughing into the wind because the wind’s always had a way of calming him. As if he’s somehow connected to it.

“Hyung,” he speaks up, moving his hand outwards until he finds Lu Han’s cold ones. He realise how hard Lu Han’s gripping, but doesn’t take note. “can you please describe the scene before us? Please?”

Despite the obvious aegyo in Sehun’s words, it’s a true request, something that Sehun’s desperate for. Beneath Lu Han’s fear, he sees it.

And he complies.

“I’ll … always be your eyes, Sehunnie. So I’ll do it.” Sehun doesn’t understand why Lu Han’s saying that, but he pays no attention to it.

Lu Han’s voice is shaky as he describes, and he uses Sehun’s warm hand on top of his cold one as comfort. He doesn’t say much, and he’s pretty sure that half his sentences don’t make sense, but he can see Sehun listening intently, see those beautiful unseeable dark eyes stare blankly into nothingness as he drinks in every one of the words that Lu Han spills from his mouth.

When he’s done, he turns over and looks at Sehun, the only comfort out of this whole horrible place that Sehun has made him go to.

Sehun smiles, his grip on top of Lu Han’s hand tightening.

“You’re still crap,” he says truthfully but playfully, and he doesn’t understand that shakiness in Lu Han’s tone. “but thank you.”

The words are sincere. Previously, when Lu Han had been describing the scene before him, Sehun had tried to picture a scenery with jumbled words, but he couldn’t, so instead he had focused on Lu Han’s voice, noticing how sometimes he would go so high pitched that his voice cracked. Even though he can’t see, the feeling of it all is enough. Lu Han’s description is enough.

And as they walk back together hand in hand, Sehun can feel Lu Han trembling violently, and it’s only when they arrive at the end and when Lu Han stops shaking does Sehun realise that Lu Han has a fear of heights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’re in a café, where the heater is warm, and where the lights are blinding compared to the dullness of the world outside. Lu Han sits with Sehun, and he’s drinking a cup of coffee as he watches Sehun whine about not having bubble tea.

“Don’t be silly,” he lets out a soft laugh, one that’s later ruined by the cough that’s recently been wracking his lungs. At this point, he would usually probably hit Sehun to shut him up, but right now he can barely keep his eyes open.

Everything’s been tiring him out recently.

What never tires him out, though, is how perfect Sehun looks. His soft, dark brown hair sweeping swiftly from side to side as he shakes his head, or the way his long eyelashes would rest on his cheeks whenever he closes his eyes. His lips are – and has never ceased being – so deliciously inviting, and it doesn’t help at all whenever Sehun sweeps his tongue over them, leaving his lips coated with a shiny new layer of saliva.

He’s perfect.

Those eyes, though slightly glazed with blindness, are at the same time so dark and alluring. So sharp, as if they’re staring into your soul, but instead he’s actually staring off into the nothingness, in his own dreamy state. As they hear giggles around them, Sehun thinks the girls are interested in Lu Han, but Lu Han knows that it’s for the both of them, if not mostly for Sehun. The way he’s looking down at his cup of already almost finished hot chocolate, as if he’s got not a care in the world, is beautiful, and so are every one of those eyelashes that just so happens to rest themselves on his cheekbones. Lu Han knows that the reason he used to be bullied was because he had the looks, but lacked the vision and confidence. Lu Han loathes those bullies, but at times he’s secretly glad they existed because otherwise he wouldn’t have had the guts and initiative to approach Sehun. If he wasn’t blind, Sehun would be popular instead.

Sehun’s smile is dazzling, and as he laughs in glee at a lame joke he just made up, Lu Han hears squeals somewhere far off in the distance. Sehun is handsome – even all the girls in this café think so.

And he wishes he can make Sehun see that.

“Hannie,” Sehun speaks up once he finishes laughing. “How do I look when I laugh?”

Lu Han smiles.

“Your eyes would turn into crescent shaped moons … do you know what moons look like?” He takes the hand that Sehun’s laid on the table and begins to draw while speaking. “Your scary poke face would turn completely into one of glee, as if you’re a child or something, because you are.

“Your mouth goes wide, like a wide ‘O’ shape,” – he draws a circle on Sehun’s hand as he speaks – “not exactly an ‘O’, but you get what I mean, right?” He lets out a cough and stops momentarily, because his chest is constricting, and it’s harder to breathe.

It’s normal, because he’s been feeling like this for a long time, probably from the lack of sport. He really needs to start up soccer again.

“When you smile, you either look like the most innocent child in the world with a new toy or just some evil maknae plotting something.” Lu Han laughs as he finishes his description, hoping that was good enough. His laugh goes out of hand, though, and it ends up in a cough.

Sehun’s quiet as he sulks over Lu Han’s description, or maybe he’s complaining, Lu Han doesn’t know. He can’t hear anything over his coughs, and his heart’s beating faster and faster – his coughing doesn’t stop. He drinks some coffee and hastily excuses himself, stumbling over the bathroom and missing the look of worry and fear on Sehun’s face.

Luckily no one is inside as he comes in – everyone’s too busy eating. He splashes water on his face and drinks some of the water in hopes of stopping the coughs, but it doesn’t help. As people come in, he puts his hand over his mouth. That doesn’t stop them sending strange looks to him though.

Finally his coughs stop, but he doesn’t dare move until the strangers are gone. When he takes away his hand to wash the germs off his hands, something catches his eye.

Red.

He’s coughed out blood.