Jongin stares at the boy sitting across the practice room, way too close and touching legs with Baekhyun. He glares at the way they laugh together like they know something he doesn't. It's infuriating. Sickening to know that the potential love of his life is happy with someone else that's not him. 

Kyungsoo laughs just a little louder and Baekhyun playfully smacks his arm. It isn't a romantic gesture, Jongin's sure it wasn't meant to look that way, but it did. And for whatever reason Jongin didn't like the feeling at the back of his throat. He didn't like the utter disappointment of Kyungsoo having a good time without him. It was selfish, he knew, but he couldn't help it. Kyungsoo doesn't laugh like that with him.

Jongin doesn't know when he started seeing Kyungsoo as more than the group's main vocals. He doesn't understand why he's so miserable being ignored by the other, why his eyes sting at the thought that maybe Kyungsoo doesn't like him. Has just puts up with him because he has to keep up appearances. 

Jongin gets up from his spot in the corner to seek out Kyungsoo. To drag the elder away from Baekhyun and over so he can rest his head in his lap. Kyungsoo use to let him do that every once in awhile back before debut. Would scrap his nails over Jongin's scalp until the younger relaxed and let go of all the days tension. And there was a lot of that today.

"Hyung," He starts and the conversation ends. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo both look up at him and smile like he hadn't just rudely interrupted. "Do you wanna go get food with me?" It was an innocent question, fair enough since the others always asked eachother. It was a safe bet and even if Jongin wasn't hungry he was sure this would lure Kyungsoo away.

But to his dismay Kyungsoo utters a soft , "No thanks", before resuming his conversation. It wasn't rude and anyone else would have just let it go. Kyungsoo obviously didn't want to move or eat or be alone with him, he could tell. He suddenly felt a little unwelcomed in the practice room. The mirrored walls closing in on him. Threatening to collapse the walls he's fortified to protect himself.

He tries not to sound to disappointed when he says "Okay." He tries not to let anyone see the longing, the raw want and rejection about to leak from his eyes. He quietly turns away and exits the practice room without saying anything to anyone. No one stops him to ask where he's going.

He makes his way quickly to the always abandoned practice room on the first floor. No one uses it anymore, the mirrors so dusty they reflect nothing, but it serves it's purpose. It's quiet down here away from the laughter and bustle of other idols trying to bide their time until they're allowed to go home.

In here no one will find him since none of the others know this room even exists. There are old posters half hanging off the wall in varying stages of ruin. The once shiny wooden floor is dingy and dull and littered with specks of the peeling ceiling paint. Jongin figures the room has definitely seen better days. And it's sad to think that one day their own practice rooms might look like this.

He slides down to sit against the wall by the door and doesn't bother to turn on the light. The bulb is dim and makes a weird noise so Jongin opts for the dark. It's safe in the dark contrary to what he thought when he was younger. He use to be so scared that he refused to sleep alone until he was well past the appropriate age to sleep in his sisters' room.

Jongin is scared of many things. He's mostly scared when he messes up on stage or gets hurt, that his career is going to come to a quick end. He fears looking out and seeing how disappointed the adoring fans must be when he misses a dance step or is off beat. He doesn't like their concerned looks when he injures himself mid-performance and messes everything else up.

He's terrified of what the others think of him. He has the title of dancing machine, the main focus in almost everything. He has the responsibility of staying late into the night to help with routines and members in need of more training. Sometimes he regrets learning to dance at all because it isn't fun anymore. It isn't fun like it should be and most of the time he just keeps doing it so others will be proud of him.

He's only had one relationship in his life, back in first year of high school. He poured everything he had into her and bared his entire being for her to take however she wanted. It only lasted a little over three months but he was so in love with her, or the idea of being in love, that it devastated him. It tore his heart out and smushed it until Jongin couldn't feel anything anymore. He refused to feel anything and put his heart into dancing.

So Jongin's scared of rejection and spending the rest of his time on Earth roaming around as a shell. Looking, and desperately begging, for someone to take notice of how he's barely keeping himself together nowadays.

He isn't happy except for those rare moments when it's just him dancing and he can breath with no one else around to tell him how to move. He's happy when Kyungsoo smiles and says he's done a good job after a performance. It means everything to him. Kyungsoo means everything to him and he's trying so hard not to let it consume him. He can't let it affect his life like his past relationship failures have.

Jongin's walls crumble when he's alone. The tears that he's held in for days finally spill out into the silence. His chest starts to ache and he curls into himself a little more, burying his face in his arms atop his legs. He feels pathetic like this. The dust is his only companion and even that doesn't last long.

Jongin pulls himself together and gathers himself enough to pass as alright. He reconstructs his walls on the walk. He joins the others, when Joonmyun texts him they're leaving, outside. The sun is too bright compared to the darkness of the practice room and he blinks to clear his vision. He tells himself the reason his eyes are watering is because of the heat not because Kyungsoo latches onto Jongdae.

Jongin gets in a different van then them to save the last threads of his sanity. He puts his sunglasses on, headphones in, and sleeps. It isn't pleasant but he rather doze off then think about fleeting touches from Kyungsoo and Jongdae.

If anyone notices the sudden shift in him, they keep it to themselves. If they notice the way Jongin had excused himself from dinner last night without eating a single bite, just pushed his food around for twenty minutes, they don't ask why. Jongin knows his dark circles are becoming a problem again because he sees them in the mirror.

Today Jongin just doesn't care to start or hold a conversation with anyone. The waiting room is loud and Chanyeol's voice booms over the music from the television in the corner. Whoever is performing on stage is forgotten about as a stylist tries to cover his eyebags. She keeps muttering and telling him that he needs proper rest. What would she know, she isn't an idol who has to stay awake for half the day.

He's only slightly aware of Kyungsoo in the room, the shorter bantering with Joongmyun about after show plans. Jongin is aware of how good Kyungsoo looks in his suit, the material contrasting perfectly against pale skin. Jongin is aware he's staring but he can't force his eyes to drag away long enough without drifting back to Kyungsoo.

The stylist says she's done and they announce they go on in ten minutes. In the meantime Jongin gets up to try to talk to Kyungsoo again. Just simple small talk would suffice enough to hold him over until after they perform. This time he isn't interrupting a conversation as Kyungsoo is mostly done talking with the leader.

"Hey." Jongin starts and his voice sounds a little rougher than usual. "Hyung, do you wanna go get a drink with me?" It's another innocent enough question Jongin supposes. "My treat." He tries to smile but it feels too forced so he doesn't. He settle for the small smile he gives the fans when they're on stage.

"No thanks, Jongin." Kyungsoo smiles up at him then back to his phone. He misses the look of complete dejection Jongin tries not to let slip.

This time when he walks away he doesn't say okay. He doesn't acknowledge that he's been once again rejected until he slips out of the room. He heads for the bathrooms and locks the main door when he gets into them. No one else is in here and he wants to keep it like that for a moment.

He turns the faucet on just for white noise. He knows he can't be puffy eyed and knows the stylist is going to kill him. But he can't help the tears that spring forth and he dryheaves, bile sitting low in his throat. How could he be so stupid as to ask for Kyungsoo's attention just once. All he wanted was to buy Kyungsoo a drink but Kyungsoo couldn't even let him have that.

He withdrawls more into himself from then on. When Sehun and Yixing asks if he wants to go dance with them, he declines. Baekhyun invites him to a movie with Chanyeol, Joonmyun asks him out shopping but he declines. Kyungsoo asks him nothing and Jongin's okay with that right now.

The other half of Exo are around but Jongin shuts himself in his room, only to come out to say he's not hungry at dinnertime or to go to the bathroom. He steels himself and builds thicker walls around himself and his heart because they had started to fall again. He makes sure they're concreted in place to keep him safe.

Joonmyun asks him if he's okay and Jongin says he's just tired. They leave him be for the most part. They don't keep pestering him about how he's feeling at concerts. He drifts from performance to performance with as much grace and charisma as he can muster in his weakened state. He turns a blind eye to Kyungsoo playing with other members on stage. Passes the feeling off as exhaustion and maybe that isn't a total lie.

He starts to crack three days after their final concert before break, after failing to complete a routine in front of everyone. The choreographer is a patient man who runs him through it over and over while everyone else watches from the sidelines. They all seem too distracted to pay him much heed, which he's thankful for.

Jongin keeps messing up. Missing steps whenever Kyungsoo's soft laugh drifts around him, suffocating him until he wants to black out. He can see the teacher's patience with him wearing thin though. He prepares himself for the scolding he's sure to get. And like clockwork he gets it.

"You are the main dancer, Jongin. The entire team depends on you to set the bar and be a good example." The choreographer starts to raise his voice and the others go quiet. Listening as Jongin just takes it all without ever looking away from his reflection in the mirror. "The entire team looks up to you, other idols want to be you, and fans want to watch you dance. Not try to pass this," He gestures his hands to all of Jongin. "Pass this off as dancing."

He stops for a moment to turn off the stereo in the corner of the room. Suddenly it's too quiet and Jongin closes his eyes. He can hear their teacher take a deep inhale of air and knows it isn't over yet.

"You are solely responsible for making the team look good. If you look like a mess, they look like a mess. You aren't working hard enough." Jongin hears someone get up like he's going to defend him but the teacher keeps going. "You're selling yourself short, not even trying. You're disappointing not only me, and yourself, but everyone in the room. You're disappointing everyone because you can't it up and get the damn moves correct."

Jongin can't feel anything. He can only feel the tears building at the corners of his eyes and he squeezes his eyes tighter. The choreographer huffs and announces practice over. The door slams behind him when he leaves but no one moves. No one does anything as the tears finally spill over and a dry sob bubbles out of his throat.

Joonmyun steps closer with his hand out but Jongin steps away. He steps away and brings his hands to his eyes, pulling his sweater over his hands to press his palms into his eyes. He can't stop crying and all he wants right now is Kyungsoo. And it just hurts more because the older is no longer his to want.

Jongin flees the room quickly. He doesn't want anyone to see his walls finally break apart and disintegrate into ash. Much like his heart as he runs until he gets to the car and he hastily claims the back seat. He curls up on the seat and shoves his headphones in and forgets that he's messed up so bad.

But the dance routine and the fiassco afterwards is on loop in his head. Repeating it over and over again. Repeating his worse fear to him until it feels like he's going to have a heart attack.

He's a disappointment.

That night is one of Jongin's worst yet. He buries himself under the blankets, pulling a pillow into his chest, and tries not cry too loud. The dorm is quiet mostly since they're all in the living room watching a movie, being quieter than usual. Jongin fools himself into thinking they're being so careful for his sake.

His eyes burn, itch, but he can't stop crying. His chest has constricted to squeeze his lungs and heart until breathing becomes a chore under the heavy blankets. Images of him in ballet school, so happy and optimistic about his future, how exhilerating it had been back then play in his head. How fulfilled he felt after a good day of dancing.

He imagines what he'd be like if he wasn't an idol. If he skipped auditions to go to college, make a real future for himself. He can see himself landing a job at a big business behind a big desk with lovely secretaries and great pay. He looks happy in this other life. Like his entire purpose for staying around hadn't been ripped apart. But he doesn't regret being an idol even when the days are hard.

On a particularly loud sob, one he had tried to swallow, the door opened. He pulled the sheets tighter around because maybe the person hadn't heard him wallowing. Hadn't heard the last of his heart shattering into a million pieces that he can't even identify as his own. Maybe. But he was never very lucky.

"Jongin." The voice sounds worried. Jongin wishes it were someone else to come check in on him. Someone else because Kyungsoo is the cause of most of his pain and him being here only makes it worse. It makes it hurt more with false hope that Kyungsoo does care for him afterall.

There are hands tugging at the blankets but Jongin is stronger. He holds them closed to avoid having to see the disappointment in Kyungsoo's eyes. "Jongin, come out." Kyungsoo says but Jongin refuses. The older gives up and Jongin feels the matress dip when he sits. Jongin can feel Kyungsoo's hands through the blankets.

"We need to talk about things." Kyungsoo sighs and he sounds so exhausted. Jongin feels bad that the other sounds so tired of everything. He's to blame.

He pulls the blankets down but keeps the pillow shoved in his face to muffle his crying and catch his tears. Kyungsoo is looking at him like he expects something but Jongin can't deliver. He looks genuinely concerned and Jongin tries to stomp out false happiness. Tomorrow when all is said and over, Kyungsoo will go back to ignoring him. 

"He was wrong." Kyungsoo starts, patting Jongin's exposed shoulder and his hand lingers. "Jongin, he was so wrong. None of us are disappointed with you. Please come out." Kyungsoo tries to unwrap him again Jongin is too tired to fight him off. The blankets are settled onto the floor and the pillow is pulled away from him.

He's left totally defenseless and vulnerable. He feels too exposed and tries to grab the pillow again but Kyungsoo gently captures his hands. He threads their fingers together and pulls until Jongin is sitting up. Kyungsoo moves closer and brings their still connected hands to his chest. 

One hand slides away and up Jongin's face to rest on his cheek. A thumb brushes the still coming tears away and Jongin nuzzles into it. It's comforting for only a moment then he's pulling away. He stands, abandoning Kyungsoo on the bed, and steps towards the door. He can't be here right now. Can't be alone with the love of his entire life.

But he doesn't make it to the door before he falls to the floor and tries to curl into himself again. Kyungsoo's arms wrap around him from behind and the older's face pushes into his shoulderblades. Jongin sobs harder and Kyungsoo moves to hover in front of him until he sits. Bringing Jongin down into his lap.

Jongin is much bigger but a little lighter so he fits comfortably in Kyungsoo's lap. The older holds him close, presses in tighter, shushes the loud cries echoing in the quiet dorm. Jongin hugs back harder because this might not last long and he wants to imprint the feeling of Kyungsoo into his memory.

"Do you hate me?" Jongin asks though it's quiet against Kyungsoo's shoulders.

"Of course not." Kyungsoo sounds scandalized that he'd even think that.

"You keep rejecting me." It feels weird voicing it aloud. "You keep rejecting me and it hurts so much. I think I love you but you hate me and I don't know why. You can't even look at me anymore. You won't hold my hand or cuddle with me during storms. You've left me and I love you and you don't care." Jongin can't cry anymore, his eyes are too dry, but he sobs dryly.

The truth comes raining in on him and he means to push out of Kyungsoo's arms. But the older doesn't let him. Instead, Jongin finds himself being kissed briefly. It's warm and everything he dreamed of, sparks in his stomach tell him to pull away. He venturing too close, too far into terroritory he doesn't want to be in.

"Stop." He tells Kyungsoo and moves away. "Don't kiss me just to make me feel better. It's cruel." But Kyungsoo kisses him again, this time more adament and harder.

"Jongin, I love you too." Kyungsoo seems just as scared as Jongin is in all of this. "I love you too. I'm terrified so I've avoided you. I never meant for this," He pauses and looks regretful. "I do care, so much more than words can express. Jongin you mean the world to me and I am so proud of you."

Jongin still feels like this is going to fade, he's going to wake up alone in his bed under his blankets. But Kyungsoo is solid against him when they hug. Kyungso is tearing up now and Jongin pushes his thumbs over his cheeks to catch them. Kyungsoo is vulnerable too and Jongin wants to rebuild walls big enough to protect both of them.

"Please come eat with me. You're withering away." Kyungsoo's hands are warm when they go under Jongin's shirt to press into his sides. Fingers splay over ribs and fit like they belong there. "I'll eat with you and let you buy me drinks. I'm so sorry I refused before." Kyungsoo looks stricken and chided, shying away a little.

But Jongin brings them back closer. They're quiet, the whole dorm is silent, Jongin's mind is silent. His heart is beating again, weakly, but it's a start. 

"Please pick me over Baekhyun." Jongin brings their foreheads together. "Pick me to hang out with not the others. Give me your time and I'll give you all off mine." 

Kyungsoo smiles and closes his eyes. "I will always choose you." And they stay like that for a long while. Until they start to get too tired to keep staring at eachother and they crawl into Jongin's bed together. They'll explain in the morning but for now Jongin is convinced it'll be okay.

a/n: heyhey. this is word vomit, pure angst because i'm stressed rn. but alast~ a happy ending. you can contact me on tumblr if you'd like, i'm always on. comment, subscribe,etc.