//

It’s night, and Taeil can’t sleep.

He is restless, rolling back in forth in bed, trying to find a comfortable position and failing. His mind races with thoughts of songs and notes and raps.

He isn’t usually like this; normally, sleep comes to him easily and often – Jiho has found him napping when he was meant to be recording too many times. But tonight, sleep is evading Taeil, and he sits up with a sigh and turns on the light.

I’m not going to sleep. He picks at a hangnail on his index finger. But what can I do?

A knock spares him from this thought.

*

Jiho pokes his head around Taeil’s door. He knows his hyung can’t sleep, saw the light filter out from underneath the door, and decided to pay him a visit.

Jiho can’t sleep either, but at least he knows why.

*

Taeil looks up in surprise, but relaxes when he sees it’s just Jiho.

“Jiho, what’s wrong?” He asks, his high voice seeming so melodic even this late in the night.

Jiho shrugs. “Nothing’s wrong. I just can’t sleep.”

“Neither can I. Want to come in?”

Jiho smiles that broad, toothy smile that Taeil loves so much. Jiho shuts the door quietly behind him and flops on the bed, poking Taeil playfully as he does so.

“Do you know why you couldn’t sleep, Jiho?” Taeil inquires, slapping Jiho’s hands away.

“No. I guess I was thinking too much.” Jiho says, nibbling his lower lip, a nervous habit of his.

Taeil frowns. Jiho is known for being a stress head, a workaholic - whatever you want to call it, he never rests, and barely gets enough sleep as it is. “Jiho, that’s… Not good. Maybe you… should see a doctor or someone?”

Jiho barks with laughter. “I don’t need to see a doctor! I’m fine. Can we watch some videos or something?”

Taeil shrugs and reaches down to grab his laptop, a birthday gift from Jihoon. It has SNSD stickers on it, much to his annoyance – one of Kyung’s (numerous) pranks.

*

As they lie there, watching videos and talking, Jiho slowly gets closer to Taeil until he’s lying with his head on Taeil’s chest, Taeil’s hand his hair. He knows it’s wrong, knows his hyung doesn’t like him like that, but he can’t help it. He craves the closeness, the intimacy with the shorter man.

Perhaps it’s just a selfish desire – Jiho knows that Taeil doesn’t want him, so he gets as close as he can, soak up as much contact as possible while still pretending to just be a friend. More than anything, he wants to kiss Taeil, to know what he tastes like, to feel Taeil close to him, saying his name.

That isn’t going to happen, though, so Jiho snuggles closer into Taeil and closes his eyes.

//

Their second win for Her and Jiho sweeps Taeil into a hug before he knows what he’s doing. Jihoon is jumping up and down like a madman, Kyung is nodding with a smug smile, but Jiho doesn’t care about any of this because his head is buried in Taeil’s hair and his hands are around the other man’s waist.

A thought vaguely swims into his head that this is in public and he should leave Taeil alone but he dismisses it; his hyungs have done much more intimate skinship before.

*

Taeil doesn’t know how to react. All of a sudden his face is buried in Jiho’s shoulder and Jiho-smell fills his nostrils and he relaxes. He feels Jiho’s hands around his waist and blushes.

*

Jiho releases Taeil from the hug and Taeil turns away, hiding his face, embarrassed. Jiho grins. Some little part of him enjoys making the older man blush.

//

Weeks later, on the couch, watching television, Jiho squeezes his hand into Taeil’s, grips it.

*

Taeil blushes, again.

*

Jiho smirks.

//

Their third win for Her, just before their promotions end. Jihoon, again, is jumping around like he’s on fire. This time, Jiho leans his chin on Taeil’s head, taking advantage of the shorter man’s height.

This earns him a serious chewing out later in the van home, but, he thinks, it was worth it to feel Taeil’s warmth.

//

It’s late again, and Taeil can’t sleep. This has been happening more and more recently, even though now it doesn’t matter so much – now promotions have ended and they have some free time.

Not that you’d know it, looking at Jiho – he’s either in the studio, recording, or collaborating with other people on tracks.

Taeil is sitting in bed, legs crossed, hair sticking straight up as it is prone to do when not brushed, lollipop in mouth, thinking.

Jiho… Jiho’s boldness lately has shocked him. All of Block B knows Jiho likes both girls and boys, and no one particularly cares – he usually hides it. Not lately though.

In fact, Taeil remembers the night Jiho came out to him.

//

They were playing cards – blackjack. Taeil made a 2ne1 joke and Jiho laughed, mentioned Jihoon and wondered if he should invite him (Jihoon’s obsession with Chaerin is known by everyone – he doesn’t try to hide it).

Jiho was losing, badly. It was only for coins, not big money, but Jiho hates losing and Taeil could see the frustration in his face. He thought fast.

“Jiho, if you lose, I get to tell you an embarrassing secret, okay?” Taeil didn’t know why the words blurted out of his mouth, only that they did, and that Jiho grinned.

“You know I’m going to lose now on purpose, right? I want to hear this secret.”

He does.

*

“Come on, hyung, you can’t back out now.” Jiho was pretending to be angry, arms crossed, lower lip stuck out like a child. The cards were scattered in front of him, forgotten.

Still, Taeil hesitated.

Jiho saw the worry in the tenseness of his hyung’s body and reached over, clapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, hyung, whatever it is, you know I won’t judge you. I’m your friend here.”

Taeil took a breath in and let it out slowly. He knew he was risking it all, but still, he didn’t stop himself as he leant over and kissed Jiho full on the lips.

It was short, just barely more than a peck, but Taeil pulled back expecting a punch in the face. Instead, the look on Jiho’s face was of surprise – but not anger.

Slowly, Jiho touched his lips, still with a look of surprise. “Hyung, how long…?”

Taeil shrugged again. “A year or so. Don’t worry, Jiho, I’m not going to come onto you again or anything – I just needed to tell you I liked-”

He was cut off by Jiho kissing him and he didn’t even have time to close his eyes, saw Jiho’s long eyelashes, felt Jiho’s hand on his chin.

“I… I like boys too, hyung.” Jiho breathed, his forehead resting on Taeil’s, eyes still closed. “I thought I was alone. I thought there was something wrong with me.”

Taeil didn’t want to move, didn’t want to break this fragile moment, but Jiho pulled back and smacked him on the shoulder. “Go to bed, we have recording tomorrow.”

//

Taeil chews the lollipop. That was years ago, and Jiho hadn’t mentioned it since. He had apparently told Jihoon about it, who had proceeded to bring it up on camera, but Taeil let it go. He wasn’t one to hold grudges.

Still, that didn’t explain the reason behind Jiho’s… clinginess. He had always been friendly with s, friendly to the point of skinship, but not like this – not quite so intimately.

Taeil sighs and picks at a thread on his sheets. All he knows is the feelings for Jiho haven’t gone away after all these years, and Jiho knows this too. He doesn’t know why Jiho is messing with him like this.
//

Taeil opens his eyes and sees the light filtering in through the gaps in his curtains. He knows instantly it’s late, maybe around midday, and wonders why no one woke him up before remembering they’re on a break – the others let him sleep in.

He gets up and wanders out to the kitchen, trying to see who is home, and gets his answer pretty quickly – no one. He smiles. Now he can sing loudly in the shower and not have the others complain (they all yell at him when he does it).

*

He’s in the shower, shampooing his hair and singing along to some Big Bang. He hadn’t sung hip hop before joining Block B, and he still loves ballads and slow songs, much to Jiho’s chagrin, who insists that he’s in a hip hop group now - at which Taeil starts playing Her and asking Jiho how ‘hip hop’ that track is. That usually shuts him up.

The door opens and he swears – he must have forgotten to lock it. It’s no big deal if it’s Jihoon or Jaehyo, but if it’s Kyung, he may come out to his clothes and towel missing (yet another of Kyung’s pranks).

“I won’t be long.” He calls out, and reaches out to adjust the water to rinse his hair when he hears Jiho behind him.

“Hyung.”

Taeil yelps, his high voice ricocheting around the bathroom, and swears. “Jiho, what the ! Get out of here!”

*

Jiho can’t see above Taeil’s shoulders, thanks to the frosting on the bathroom door, but Taeil yells anyway like he’s been scolded. Jiho smiles – Taeil has always been shy.

He waits.

*

Taeil turns the water off, his soapy hair forgotten. The frosting on the door is protecting most of his modesty, thankfully, but he still doesn’t know why Jiho is here.

“What do you want? I’m in the middle of my shower here.” Taeil’s trying to make his voice low and threatening, to try and scare Jiho.

It doesn’t work.

“Nothing.” Jiho chuckles and turns away.

And he’s gone.

//

It’s night again and Taeil isn’t sleeping. He’s given up on trying to normalize his sleep cycle, figures when it’s time for them to get up early again he will just deal with it.

He’s trying to peel the SNSD stickers off his laptop, but Kyung must have made sure he got high-quality ones, because they leave sticky residue behind. He’s scrubbing away with an old toothbrush and some alcohol when the door opens.

Jiho.

*

Jiho takes a deep breath. All this intimacy, all this skinship, has come to this moment, where he speaks what’s on his mind… if he can get the words out.

His voice is low, quiet, so the others can’t hear through the paper-thin walls. “Hyung, I want you.”

*

Taeil is frozen, doesn’t know what to think. The toothbrush is still in his hand, his mouth open like a fish, as Jiho crosses the room and kisses him.

The kiss is rough and insistent and he senses Jiho has been wanting this for a long time. He returns the kiss, grabbing Jiho’s head and bringing it closer. He feels Jiho’s hands on his stomach, then fumbling with his waistband, and everything in his mind comes to a head and he shoves Jiho away hard, panting.

Jiho looks hurt, but the hunger in his eyes is still there as Taeil throws the toothbrush at him. “Jiho, what the do you think you’re doing? You can’t – you can’t just come in here and kiss me. You can’t use me. I’m not… I’m not someone for you to and boast about to Kyung tomorrow. I’m not your experiment.”

It’s Jiho’s turn to have his mouth open like a fish. “Hyung, I…”

“What? Hyung, you what? ‘Hyung, I just wanted to have with you!’ ‘Hyung, I just wanted to see what it was like!’ No, Jiho, enough of your bull.” Taeil’s chest heaves as he spits out the words. “I’m not your plaything.”

Silence settles over the room and Taeil realizes what he has said, but he doesn’t jump to take it back. He knows he’s been rude, but he doesn’t care anymore. He’s sick of Jiho treating him like this.

Jiho approaches and sits on the bed, head low. “I… That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” Taeil murmered.

Jiho turns, grasps Taeil’s hands. Taeil just stares at his hands wrapped in Jiho’s bigger ones.

“Hyung, I… I never meant to hurt you, as stupid as that sounded. I like you. I need you. This isn’t about . It’s not about lust. It’s about you, and me, and…” He breaks off, turns his head away. “, Taeil, I think I love you.”

Taeil inhales sharply. Whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t this.

“Jiho. I’m sorry.” He reaches out and turns Jiho’s head towards him, kisses him chastely. “I shouldn’t have said those things.”

Jiho shrugs. “It’s okay.”

Taeil frowns. “No, Jiho. It’s not.”

And he kisses him.

*

Kissing Taeil is better than Jiho ever thought it would be. As Taeil’s mouth moves on his, Jiho feels warmth growing inside him, warmth that might just be happiness. He reaches up and pulls Taeil’s hair, hears Taeil’s gasp, and shudders.

*

Kissing Jiho is better than Taeil ever thought it would be. As his hands trail down Jiho’s back, as their tongues entwine, as Jiho pulls his hair and nibbles his neck, Taeil feels himself smiling, and can feel Jiho smiling too.

He feels Jiho’s hands at his waistband and, this time, doesn’t stop him.

//

Afterwards, when they’re both sticky and sweaty, Taeil is sitting next to Jiho, tracing the words of his chest tattoo. John the Apostle. Taeil remembers scratching that tattoo as Jiho moved with him.

He remembers Jiho pinning him down, laughing that he was going to show Taeil what a real MVP was, and just as Taeil was about to protest, Jiho did something with his mouth and – .

Taeil flops down and cuddles up to Jiho’s back, nuzzles into Jiho’s neck, and sighs contentedly.

Never in his life did he think a confession and a kiss over a game of blackjack could lead to this.