Where do you think you’re
putting those bad hands?
With polished words, you
put me up and put me down

I want to blaze up for a long time
We must be slowing down
The irony of trying to have you
Who will leave when
you get everything

//

Jiho cried when he shaved his head.

Of course it wasn’t the first time he had suffered the clippers, but this time was different. This wasn’t because his hair was starting to fall out because of bleach. This was because he and his whole group had embarrassed both Thailand and South Korea.

Jaehyo remembers his leader’s silent tears in the bathroom. Taeil was next to him; broom in hand, ready to sweep up the hair that represented their shame. Minhyuk was drowning his sorrows in a bottle of vodka in the other room while Yukwon and Kyung were at the hospital visiting Jihoon, who had had a nervous breakdown at the backlash they were receiving.

Jaehyo was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, arms crossed, eyes narrowed as their leader ran the clippers over his head. He remembers catching Jiho’s eyes in the mirror and turning away in disgust.

//

Jiho cried when he filmed the apology.

Jaehyo remembers standing there, bowing a full 90 degrees, staring at the back of his leader’s freshly shaved head with barely hidden contempt. After the camera had been shut off, Jiho sat down where he was and cried and cried and cried, cried a river of tears for all of them. Again, Taeil was there to comfort him, but Jaehyo couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as Jiho. He remembers again catching Jiho’s eyes and turning away.

//

That was months ago, and this was now. They’d all been advised by Stardom to lay low and try to stay out of the public eye. All public appearances had been cancelled and the group found themselves stuck in a dorm with each other with nothing to do.

It was just another regular day and Jaehyo was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling, or doing what he liked to call “assuming the position”. Every day he would get up, eat breakfast, and then go lay back down and stare at the ceiling. There was a certain water spot there that he had decided looked like a ‘ㅅ’ he imagined other letters around it.

In truth, he couldn’t face his band members. He didn’t know why he was feeling this turmoil inside of him, but all he knew was that he was, and he didn’t want to be a part of Block B anymore. He couldn’t really talk to anyone about it, either; Jiho confided in Kyung, Taeil and Jihoon were so close that they rarely left each other’s sides, and Minhyuk and Yukwon just stayed in Yukwon’s room playing video games. Jaehyo was utterly left out.

And in a sense, he liked that. He liked the alone time, liked being able to sift through his thoughts with no interruptions. He was honestly considering leaving the band, although he had no idea what he would do if he did; he wasn’t the best singer or the best dancer (he was mediocre at both) and was really only there as the face of the band. Pursuing another idol career would end in disaster for certain.

The days of Jiho insisting that the visual was the most important element were long gone.

//

It’s after dinner one night when Taeil lets himself into Jaehyo’s room and shuts the door quietly behind him. Jaehyo raises his head and, when he realizes who it is, sits up. The eldest of the group, although never outright saying so, quietly radiates an aura that demands respect.

“Jaehyo-aah, we’ve… we’ve noticed you haven’t been talking to anyone much.” Taeil stated quietly, eyes meeting Jaehyo’s and refusing to look away.

Jaehyo hated being backed into a corner like this. “Taeil hyung, I’ve… I’ve just been thinking about things is all. Besides, it’s not like everyone has been particularly social with each other.”

Taeil shrugged. “That’s going to change soon. Stardom’s given us the go ahead to start recording again for a comeback in October. Jiho’s already booked a studio.”

“What? You’re not serious. That’s only four months away.” Jaehyo was surprised at the way the words burst out of him.

To his credit, Taeil didn’t react. “Yes, four months. So we’ll be picking up on the group activities soon.”

“Great. Thanks, hyung.” Jaehyo said weakly and managed a watery smile. It was apparently enough to convince Taeil, as he stood up and let himself out.

Jaeyhyo ran his hands through his hair (which was looking terrible after months without a cut or dye job) and sighed deeply. He didn’t know what to do.

Did he really want to be in this band anymore?

//

In truth, if he looked deeply, he did know where these feelings came from and why.

Thailand.

When the scandal broke, and after Jihoon had been rushed to hospital, Stardom went into damage control mode. They were quick to tell the members to stay away from social media and news sites, and confiscated their phones and laptops in order to achieve this.

Jaehyo had snuck out late at night and ran down to a local Internet café he knew well (some google searches could not be done on company time, after all). He was wearing something ridiculous to ensure he wouldn’t be recognized, but he needn’t have bothered: the only person frequenting the establishment was a teenager playing League of Legends who looked like he hadn’t moved in days.

The vitriol was… exhausting to read. Jaehyo was there for two hours before he realized what the time was and had to run back to the dorm. No wonder poor Jihoon had had a breakdown; Jaehyo was made of stronger stuff than the maknae, but still – it was shocking.

The worst part was he agreed with some of it. He knew Jiho’s comments were insensitive, and he knew Jihoon fooling around was insensitive. He had known it at the time, but he hadn’t spoken up. When Jiho had opened his mouth and those words had come out, Jaehyo was appalled and wanted to get up and walk away, but of course, that wasn’t the right or proper thing to do, so he didn’t.

And now he was paying the price.

//

Seeing Jiho shave his head had just exacerbated those feelings. He remembers pondering over the pain and shame Jiho had caused his family, and families all over Korea, and wondering how a shaved head and an apology could fix things.

That was when Jaehyo had distanced himself, he realized, lying on his bed after Taeil had left.

Perhaps it was his inner narcissism coming to light, but he didn’t want to be brought down by scandal, he wanted to rise above it – and right now it felt like his hyungs, his bandmates, were bringing him down.

That hurt to think about. These guys were his brothers, but still he was contemplating leaving them.

He rolled over and faced the wall. It’s not like he mattered, anyway. He had one line in every song they did – they wouldn’t miss him.

//

Two days later and Jaehyo had gathered everyone in the living room to announce some news. He knew they wouldn’t care, but he had to tell them before they found out through Stardom, who he was going to tell next.

“This isn’t really important, but I need to tell you guys.” He began. Taeil was looking at him with excited eyes and a big smile like he was going to announce he was getting married or something. It was off-putting.

“I’ve been thinking over the past couple of months about the direction I want to go in and I… I’ve decided I want to leave Block B.” He finished.

Kyung’s mouth dropped open. Jihoon started crying immediately. Minhyuk was emotionless, and Yukwon’s eyes widened - his version of jumping up and down and screaming. Taeil’s face was still frozen in its smile - which was looking creepier as the seconds ticked on.

And Jiho.

Jaehyo couldn’t bring himself to look at him. Jiho’s reaction was not one he was looking forward to seeing – after all, they had been incredibly close before… Before.

Jiho looked like he had just been punched in the stomach and all the air was gone from his lungs. He was pale and looked like he was going to throw up.

Jaehyo felt as though a knife was slid between his ribs – the pain was sharp and left him breathless. , that hurt more than he expected.

He really hadn’t wanted to see Jiho’s reaction.

He backed out of the room, half bowing, and hurried back to his room and slammed the door.

He couldn’t get the image of Jiho, pale and hurt, out of his head.

//

The room erupted after he left. Jaehyo could hear Jihoon’s loud sobbing, hear him tearfully asking if it was his fault. That hurt too – the youngest of the group was so innocent and it really hadn’t been Jaehyo’s intention to hurt him.

As he lay on the bed, staring at the all-too-familiar 'ㅅ' on the ceiling, someone let themselves into his room.

He stood up, expecting it to be Taeil, but before he could get the first syllable of “no” out of his mouth, it was Jiho and he stopped.

Jaehyo looked at Jiho.

Jiho looked at Jaehyo.

“Jaehyo hyung, please don’t leave.” Jiho said quietly, chewing his bottom lip.

Jaehyo didn’t respond, just stared Jiho down.

What happened next was not what he was expecting.

Jiho crossed the room in two strides, grabbed Jaehyo around the waist and kissed him.

The first thought that crossed through Jaehyo’s mind was finally. The second was how hot and wet Jiho’s mouth was, and before he realized what he was doing, he s his arms around Jiho’s waist and pulled him closer until their bodies were flush and Jaehyo could feel Jiho’s chest heaving and feel his heart pound.

He liked it.

He slid a hand up Jiho’s back to wind it in the short hair that was just starting to grow back; Jiho gasped into Jaehyo’s mouth and Jaehyo shuddered.

Jaehyo flicked his tongue out to meet Jiho’s and Jiho shoved him away, hard.

What… What was that? Jaehyo thought, rubbing his lips.

“You can’t leave. Don’t ing leave.” Jiho hissed, before coming in for another kiss. This one was heavy and angry, and Jaehyo’s hands began roaming. He vaguely realized Jiho had shoved him up against the wall.

Breaking the kiss, Jaehyo forced Jiho’s head around to whisper in his ear. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t, Woo Jiho.”

“You want a ing reason?” Jiho growled, and kissed him again. “I’ll give you a reason.”

//

Afterwards, when the smell of lingered on the air and the sheets were tangled around their sweaty bodies, Jiho sat up and stared down at Jaehyo.

Jaehyo, heavy lidded and exhausted, just stared up at his leader dreamily.

“Are you really going to leave, Jaehyo?” Jiho asked. He sounded quiet, vulnerable.

Jaehyo reached down and grabbed Jiho’s hand, brought it up to his lips, kissed it softly.

“Not anymore. Now I’ve got something to stay for.”