Back when I first moved to Korea, I had a huge crush on this guy. Actually, I’ve always had a huge crush on him since then. I dreamt that we would be like a love story, such as the fairy tales a mother would tell before bed. I imagined all kinds of scenarios as I daydreamed.

Hello, I’m Emma, and it was hard trying to fit in as a Caucasian student studying in Korea, but I still enjoyed my stay.

The teachers loved girls like me in my school. I had the highest grade, the simplest hairstyle, well-behaved, and I was also good at writing. Writing was given much importance in every school I’ve ever been in.

After I was done my one year in high school in Korea, we moved back to Canada. I am 21 years old, and I do not have any form of a boyfriend here, nor have I really ever. Some tried to appeal to me, but what I want is true love, something like what I missed a few years ago in Korea. I missed my chance for a really great guy and I still curse myself for being a coward.

If you were to ask me about my love life in Korea, I would call it ridiculously lonesome. But then, I never felt ridiculous. It was a serious and dramatic chapter for me.

Anytime I speak of Korea, it reminds me of Joon Young. He was the boy of my dreams in high school, but I was a timid girl, so I never tried to talk to him, he also used to act awkwardly in front of me as if he liked me, sometimes I truly felt that. Many times I would catch him staring at me. Within the time I spent in Korea, I hadn’t talked to him more than twice.

I remember the days I would see him everywhere. One day, I was walking with my friends. They were talking about horror movies, but I didn’t pay attention. I saw him again and I was at a loss for words. I found him in the crowd like I always seem to do anywhere I went. Why he always seemed to be in the exact same place I was, I didn’t know, but it was like a cold wind blowing over my head.

I decided to express myself to him one day, but I had to talk to him first. I remember the day we were both at the same party. I found him staring at me every time I saw him and wanted to speak to him. My heart was limp. When the party was over, I said to myself, now or never. I found him alone and he appeared to be looking for someone already.

“…Excuse me,” I said.

As he turned toward me, his eyes looked as if he had found lost treasure. His reaction was like he was the one looking for me. I had so much fear from just seeing his face.

“Hello,” he answered simply.

We ended up having a small conversation, but unfortunately we both needed to leave before I could send any hints.

On another day after that event, I remember a specific day I saw him coming from the opposite side of the hall of our school accompanied by his friends. I found him particularly dashing and handsome. To learn more about him, I would constantly ask my friends if they found anything new.

I was a train wreck the day I tried to confess my feelings.

“Can I help you, Emma?”

I was thinking about what to say, I took way to long to answer his question.

“What do you want to say?”

“Uh…,” I replied.

He had a face as if he was expecting a large gift from me. Suddenly, his friends interrupted us as they began to pull him away.

“Joon Young, come with us!”

“No, you go. I’ll be there in a minute.” His stupid friends continued to pull him.

“Come! You can talk later!” And so, they took him away.

I looked at his back as he walked away from where I was left standing without words.

Where there is a will, there is a way, particularly when it comes to information. I had collected all the information I needed to practically sound like a stalker in no time. I had recently learned he was an only child and he lived near the city hall. I tried to sit down with him one day in the bus, but he was flirting with his “girlfriends” as he reclined in the back seat. It was not a pleasant sight. I did like him, but at such a time, I was confused whether I should tell him or if I wanted the secret to die with me. How do I even tell him? Should I tell him? I liked him, I was sure of it. I was thinking all that without even knowing whether or not there was a girl in his life. Many thoughts were roaming in my mind at that time.

But when he looked at me, it’s as if his eyes were telling me he wasn’t ready and to wait for him. I was very disappointed. I thought that it just wasn’t fate. I knew I liked him, but my friends tried to pull me away. I mostly didn’t even notice what they told me. My eyes were constantly looking everywhere for Joon Young, but I wasn’t able to find him anymore. I thought he wasn’t interested in me anymore.

Months passed, and my secret stayed a secret. Now, I was a girl that tried to hide her feelings with change. I grew my hair and started wearing my glasses, I felt a little more beautiful. I had three cards for him, two for Valentine’s Day and one to congratulate him on winning Student of the Year. I never gave any of them to him, and how could I have? I didn’t even know if he liked me.

The fateful day of confession never came the whole year. I was waiting for the bus to take me to the airport in the early morning. I had to go back to Canada today. I wish that I could have stayed, but I managed to push myself into the bus. As I looked out the window about to sit down, I saw Joon Young running toward the bus. This bus goes strictly to the airport. I doubt he was going to welcome someone there and I’m positive he wasn’t leaving for anywhere due to the lack of luggage. He was running for me. I needed to get down. Unfortunately, the bus left the stop without him. I got off at the next stop and ran all the way back to my original spot, but there was no Joon Young to be found. I looked around me, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I thought the whole thing was just a dream. And to this day, I still remember his face and feel the same way I did the day I left.

He must have known I liked him this whole time. How could he not know when the entire world did, the sky, trees, soil, and my friends. How could he be so ignorant when my eyes and heart were filled with dreams? I never exposed my feelings, and it was too late.

The End