The full moon was high and dazzling as it nestled itself above the clouds in the night sky. Not even the stars could outshine its brilliance tonight. Mark raised the metal can to his mouth, tipping it until he felt the chilled liquid hit his lips and then slightly parting them to take a sip, immediately tasting the bitter taste of alcohol as it swooped through his senses, leaving a burning feeling as it passed through his throat.

Behind him the muffled roar of the party could still be heard despite the thick wall of glass separating the balcony (which he was currently in) from the apartment. The brunette rested his forearms on the railing in front of him, leaning his weight on it as he looked out to the city below. The Seoul skyscrapers towered over the city but the convenient location of the apartment gave him a wonderful view of the usually dull night sky. Mark swung his nearly empty beer back and forth, feeling the contents swirl around inside. It was a bit chilly outside today, maybe he should go back in.

At that moment, the familiar sound of a glass door being pushed open sounded and for few seconds the blaring of the music blasted though before the door was shut softly and a pair of feet shuffled next to him. Mark stole a glance and through the overhead lighting he caught the shape of a side profile, a guy looking around his age actually. The stranger was staring up at the moon not unlike how Mark was earlier, and when he spoke it was so softly that the brunette almost missed it entirely.

“The moon looks beautiful tonight.”

Mark hummed in agreement, maybe it was the buzz he had going on but something about the stranger seemed…warm, comfortable, the silence wasn’t awkward just peaceful. It even brought words to his unusually quiet tongue.

“What brings you here?” He asks with an aura of nonchalance, he sees the stranger twitch into a smile and it relaxes Mark a little, to the point he comfortably turns to face him, not shying away from drinking in the appearance of the other. Round face, dark hair, full lips and slanted eyes with a hint of mischief, he was just Mark’s type.

“To the party? Or out here in the balcony?” The black haired male responds raising an eyebrow and in a tone that suggests Mark should pick the latter but the brunette plays it safe. “Both.”

The party was actually a birthday party of sorts, celebrating the coming of age of a friend of a friend. Mark had been reluctant but when Bambam told him there would be free drinks and that Jackson would tag along too, the brunette knew he had to go and make sure the latter didn’t get crazy drunk and either end up or in jail. It wasn’t so bad though, the party was hosted by the birthday boy’s older (apparently rich) brother, because the place was practically a mansion in the form of a high rise apartment in one of Seoul wealthiest district. One look at it made Mark almost almost regret his life’s career choice but seeing the paparazzi practically tearing down the security to get access the place reminded Mark why his quiet underground life had its perks.

The male next to him shrugged and it brought Mark out of his thoughts. “Youngjae, the guy hosting the party is a friend of mine and I had the time so I figured why not. Yugyeom’s a sweet kid too.”

Mark nodded and quietly took another sip from his can, he wondered what this guy did for a living if he knew Youngjae, maybe they were childhood friends? Or-

“And as for what brought me out here,” The black haired male pauses and Mark can see the trails of fog leaving his lips when the air takes a slightly colder twist. “Well, you did.”

Mark raises an eyebrow and holds back a grin, the cold was nipping at his face but he could hardly feel it.  “What’s your name?” He finally asks, after realizing that’s usually the first thing you learn about someone

“Jinyoung.”

Mark ends up leaving that party with an armful of drunk Jackson and tipsy Bambam but the new name and number saved onto his phone beat out any complaints he has.

*

He’s not sure what Jinyoung wants out of him, or what Mark is even willing to give, but they definitely talk after that night and well, at least that’s something.

“Who is this guy anyway? The one you met at the party?” Jackson asks him one afternoon while they’re at the recording studio; he’s pressing an ice pack to his forehead in an attempt to calm his headache, still nursing his previous hangover.

Mark swirls in his chair, thumb biting at the eraser tip on his pencil. In front of him is a paper with messily written lyrics on it, part of a song he was featuring on in the upcoming ThaiKong album, Bambam’s and Jackson’s rap group, named after their home towns respectively.

Jinyoung, well, Mark didn’t really know much about him if he was perfectly honest with himself. Their conversations have been mostly if not always never short of casual, Jinyoung had mentioned once (briefly) that he worked in the music industry and Mark didn’t pry further. Looking back at maybe he should have, because let’s face it, Mark’s a starving artist (read: underground rapper) and he could use all the connections he could get.

But thinking about Jinyoung as just a connection..something didn’t settle well in his gut.

“I’m not sure.” Mark finally responds after he hears Jackson’s groan of pain from the couch. Mark sends him a pitying look because that’s really all he can offer his pained friend as comfort. “I’m going to ask him out on a date.”

Jackson reacts immediately and moves the ice pack away, sitting up so easily that for a moment Mark thinks he’s been played. “Are you sure? What if this dude just wants a hook up? Hit it and quit it? Toot it and boot it? Smash and da-“

Mark throws his pencil and the sharp end lands on Jackson’s arm sending the other boy reeling and effectively stopping his word vomit. Mark shrugs. “So? I’m down for a no strings attached thing, after spending so many months cooped up with your dumb I could use some relief.”

Jackson sticks out his tongue in his best impression of a toddler and the redhead groans, how in the world that man was a respected hip hop artist he would never know.

*

Jinyoung agrees to the date and they go on a typical dinner and movie shebang. Mark’s half expecting the other to call it quits halfway and just go back to one of their apartments but honestly the redhead couldn’t have been more wrong.

Jinyoung waits for him inside and he’s layered up for the cold, thick scarf wrapped around his neck covering most of his face and a beanie doing the same to the top half. He looks kind of cute actually, standing in a corner waiting for Mark as he rocks on his heels.

The redhead rushes over, he’s only wearing a loose jacket and he feels the last chills of the winter spread through his bones, luckily the place is nicely heated and he slides his gloves off easily.

“Sorry I’m late.” Mark apologizes, feeling his face heat up but the color blends in with his already cold nipped cheeks.

“I didn’t wait long.” Jinyoung smiles and Mark only feels further guilty. “Is it alright I went ahead and got us tickets?” Jinyoung adds as he sticks up two pieces of paper in his hand showing Mark.

The redhead nods and follows the younger down the hall they stop for snacks before shuffling into the warm area of the theater. They take a seat near the back and talk aimlessly while they wait, mostly about common interests.

“What do you do again?” Jinyoung asks, voice quiet as the seats began to fill up more.

“I’m a, uhh, I’m a rapper.” Mark replies and immediately feels stupid because wow, he could’ve said something like, producer or lyricist (which is he is all of those things) and instead rapper blurted out. The look on Jinyoung’s face though his widened eyes swimming with a sense of childlike curiosity had no trace of judgment or snark, the depths of his chocolate irises gave off something more familiar to pure interest. It set off something warm in Mark’s belly, something he hadn’t felt for a while now.

“What about yo-“ Mark tried to respond, but at that moment the lights dimmed and the screen blackened, signaling the movie was starting. Jinyoung only gave him an apologetic look before turning back into his seat, reaching too munch on his popcorn. Mark feels a pang of regret at missing his chance but he settles to watch the movie as well and lets himself get distracted, absorbing himself in the buttery scent of popcorn, the heat of a hand placed near his, and the loud booming of the speakers resonating in his brain.

The movie is funny and action packed and Mark finds himself laughing way more than he thought he would, even throughout the day. When they get food and talk about childhood stories, when they stop for ice cream and Jinyoung accidentally smashes his nose into it, even during their walk when Mark’s pulling lame jokes just to see that smile bloom on the younger’s face.

“How did you get here?” Mark asks once they’ve stopped in front of his dingy old car, but he’s gotten so comfortable around Jinyoung in the span of a couple hours he doesn’t find it in himself to be embarrassed.

“I got a ride.” Jinyoung responds, tilting his head curiously and Mark only grins before opening the passenger door to his car, gesturing the other to come in. Jinyoung looks like he wants to decline at first but he shrugs and steps into the warm vehicle, curling up as his hands rub each other to try and get some heat back.

Mark rushes to the driver’s side and blasts the heater, driving through the cloudy Seoul traffic as the younger male guides him. Jinyoung leans back against the seat, his head is turned towards the outside view and Mark steals a few glances, studying his outline against the frosted window. There’s a flipping where his stomach supposed to be and the redhead vaguely registers just how ed he is.

*

He ends up inviting Jinyoung to have dinner at his house, because of course inviting someone you’re romantically interested in to your cheap beaten up flat to have a meal from someone known to burn water sounded like a great idea at the time.

But Jinyoung agrees anyway and Mark gets up at 6am to bust out his dusty cleaning tools (oh the irony) and begins to organize his apartment. He doesn’t have time for laundry and settles on stuffing whatever dirty clothes he has under his bed and even cleans his sheets because, well, you never know.

The tv is blurting out todays latest bubblegum pop which the redhead had haphazardly and Mark’s almost sure somewhere across Seoul a teenage girl is watching that exact same program. He’s currently juggling two dustpans though and settles for changing the channel later, his ears could make it through a couple rounds of the horrid music.

He’s not even sure where it stems from really, the complete distaste he has for pop music and idols in general. Netizens have taken to calling it jealousy but what Mark feels is something closer to offense. For someone to take a beautiful art of music and performance and shred it down to auto tuned voices and an array of hair spray and dye, it’s disgraceful. Idols are taking the easy way out; they don’t know the struggle of underground artists and less what it is to truly make music.

A different song comes on and Mark vaguely hears it in the back of his head as he begins to take out ingredients for simple fried rice. A recipe Jackson had shown him when they used to be roommates. Unconsciously the redhead taps his foot along to the music, it’s a fast and catchy beat and he thinks he’s heard it somewhere before but ignores the thought in favor of measuring the water for his rice. There’s no way he can feed Jinyoung raw rice or worse, burnt rice.

Mark shudders at the thought and decides calling Jackson for help is his safest bet, looking up he reaches for his home telephone pulling it out of the receiver. A familiar image flashes across the TV and the phone slips from his grasp, landing with a heavy thud on the kitchen counter as Mark freezes in his spot, eyes glued to the corner of his living room where the television was nestled.

There’s a music video playing, the setting is at a school and it’s about two guys running around dancing and singing, it looks a couple of years old now but what catches Mark’s attention isn’t the bright colors, or obnoxious fashion, it’s the recognizable face of Jinyoung as he dances and sings with another male.

The music video comes to an end after a short dance break and the words JJ PROJECT BOUNCE follow after. Mark stands stunned under the revelation for the few seconds that follow after, thoughts racing through his brain and his stomach twists uncomfortably, oh god he’s going to be sick. With sluggish movements Mark goes across the counter and turns off the TV, letting himself fall on the couch pitifully. He runs a hand through his hair and groans, no, there was no way Jinyoung was an idol, this has to be some kind of cruel joke. Somewhere, in a dimly lit studio Jackson is laughing his of at him and Mark can practically feel it.

As if shocked Mark quickly scrambles to fish out his cellphone, he doesn’t know what to do but the first thing that comes to mind is to cancel their date for today, he can’t possibly act normal with what he’s found out today. He’s halfway to pressing the dial button when the door chimes from the entrance. Someone was here.

Mark gulps, it’s too early to be Jinyoung he mentally comforts himself and warily walks towards his front door peeking into the eyehole. The view is blocked by something Mark can place and the redhead has no choice but to open the door to see who it is. With a shaky palm he grips the doorknob and twists it.

“Surprise!” A voice calls out and a bouquet of flowers is into Mark’s chest. Jinyoung stands at the other side looking sheepish and embarrassed with a slightly reddened face. “I’m really sorry for coming early but something came up for me later so I’ll only be able to stay for a bit.” He says, shuffling nervously. Mark nods dumbly and side steps to let the other in, head blank as he guides Jinyoung into his apartment, placing the flowers in a makeshift vase with water.

“The food…” Mark trails off looking at the rice soaking pathetically in the water, everything else he had yet to even leave his fridge. “Won’t be done in time.” He finishes, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Jinyoung has yet to sense the atmosphere and only smiles in reply, taking a seat in the counter stool.

“Do you have any ramen?” Jinyoung asks cheekily and god that comment alone, had Mark not seen that music video, had he not found out about Jinyoung and JJ Project, he would’ve of probably fell in love with him right then and there.

“Yeah.” Mark replies and shuffles to dig out two packets from his cupboard, he feels empty almost, like a robot following commands as he starts to heat up water with Jinyoung chatting away happily in the background. Mark feels like flame that’s cut off, stopped before it’s reached its true potential, gone in a flick of a wrist leaving nothing but smoke trails. He feels betrayed.

“Why didn’t you tell me you where an idol?” Mark finally asks, once they’re both sitting across from each other in his small table, Jinyoung slurping on the ramen while Mark just pecks at it with his chopsticks. Jinyoung almost chokes on his food from surprise but throws Mark a wild look, guiltiness mixed in that sets something boiling in the redhead’s blood.

“I’m sorry, I knew I should of told you earlier but it…it was so nice to finally meet someone who had no idea who I was, who treated me like, well, like a normal person.” Jinyoung set’s down his chopsticks, a spark igniting being his gaze. “Mark hanging out with you these past few-“

“You must think I’m so pitiful huh?” Mark spits out, a bad taste settling in his tongue, Jinyoung looks visually shocked and stops mid speech. Mark’s too heated too surprised too unprepared to control himself now. “Did you think I was some kind of joke? Did you laugh at me for being an underground rapper? For inviting you to my ty apartment when you’re probably living in the lap of luxury with your fat paycheck from your CEO.”

Jinyoung’s face darkens and a frown forms on his face, eyebrows furrowing considerably.

“What! No, I never-I don’t”

“Don’t act innocent, I know how idols are, a bunch of self-obsessed pricks who think they can step all over someone because they think they’re better than everyone.” Mark finishes, breath heavy as he doesn’t notice how hard he’s gripping his hands until Jinyoung jumps out of his seat, chair clattering behind him from the force. His eyes are wet and his fists are shaking and Mark braces himself for a punch but Jinyoung is already out the door, his final words leaving a bitter taste in Mark’s mouth.

“ you Mark, I thought you were different.”

*

If Mark didn’t leave his studio before he certainly doesn’t now, it’s gotten so bad even his friends are worried about him.

“C’mon Mark, let me in, you’ve been in here way to long dude you need a break.” Jackson says as he bangs on the door, and Mark can hear his faint curses muffled from the wood. The redhead ignores the noise and turns back to his computer, going back to work on the track. He changes the pitch slightly, it sounds ty, he removes the backtrack, still ty, he even tries to use a sample but everything sounds terrible to his ears. With a groan Mark buries his head into his palms. He’s been in his recording studio for nearly a week straight, sleeping and eating here but he’s yet to do a single productive thing. Every time he thinks he’s got something the scene from the dinner with Jinyoung plays in his head, how everything went so wrong between them.

A pair of keys sound from outside and Mark sighs, completely forgetting he had told Jackson about his hidden key. The lock clicks open and the door goes flying open, a red faced Jackson appears looking ready to explode but one look at Mark’s pathetic state sends him reeling and all the anger leaves his body. The bravado fades and instead he stands looking a little lost and awkward near the entrance. Mark ushers him in quickly in order to get rid of the light that penetrating the dark room.

“You ok?” Jackson asks after a moment of silence, taking braver steps towards him until he has a hand resting comfortingly on Mark’s shoulder. The redhead runs a hand through his hair, staring blankly at his screen. “No…Jinyoung’s an idol.” He whispers, half afraid of being ridiculed by Jackson and the other half afraid of what saying the words out loud will do to him.

Jackson squeezes Mark’s shoulder, maybe out of surprise, but loosens his grip. “Is that really so bad?” Jackson’s replies back softly and Mark feels the frown deepen on his face as he swirls in his chair to face Jackson, knocking his hand off in the process. “Of course it is Jackson! You know how that industry is, how they lie and cheat and only care about money.” Mark responds furiously.

“Is this about…” Jackson’s trails off once he notices the dark look on Mark’s face.

“No! It’s not- I’m not-” Mark tries to cut off but memories are flashing though his head, a stupid naïve boy standing in front of a judging panel, the laughs and cruel remarks, one after the other the scenery changes but the scene is the same, the boy leaves and he leaves behind everything he had.

But Mark isn’t that stupid weak naïve boy anymore, with dreams that exceeded his limits and ultimately crashed and burned. Mark’s pulled himself out of the car wreck, he’s walked through the fire and stood back on his own, the scars don’t heal but they are there to remind him.

Jackson leaves soon after but he leaves Mark feeling better, with a clearer head and less hurting heart. Maybe it’s a moment of weakness or a moment of clarity but Mark turns to the internet and types in JJ Project into the search bar, 150,000,000 results. The redhead swallows down a thickness in his throat and he begins to read.

*

The venue is crowded, the tons of screaming teenage girls and noona fans flock into the small room, their light sticks ready as they eagerly wait for the show. Mark stands awkwardly near the back, he’s got his hoodie wrapped around him tightly in hopes it’ll help conceal his identity, not that anyone would even recognize him anyway. A couple of looks are thrown his way but they turn around in favor of looking towards the stage. The practice should be starting anytime soon.

Maybe it was Jackson, or Bambam or god but when Mark had returned to his apartment only to find a lonely ticket to MCountdown on his table, he knew he needed to go, to see Jinyoung one last time, to get closure for him, for them.

The screams from the fangirls stop Mark in his thoughts and the redhead glances up to see two figures bound on stage, smiles bright as they enthusiastically wave at their fans. Mark’s breath gets caught in lungs, Jinyoung looks stunning. His hair is styled neatly back and his stage outfit clings to every curve on his body. He isn’t Jinyoung right now, he’s Jr.

They go through several rounds of practice and Mark watches hypnotized, their energy is amazing, Jinyoung is putting all his effort into the performance, the thin layer of sweat shining on his forehead. His partner JB also looks tired, but their smiles are strong when aimed at their fans and that sets off something in Mark that he can’t understand quite yet.

They’re about to leave the stage soon and Mark’s not sure what’s compelled him to do so but he’s wrangled himself through the crowd and into the front line, with a racing heart he shrugs the hoodie off his head. The piercing screams of fan girls ring in his ears but all Mark see’s is Jinyoung as he begins to bow towards the producer’s before bouncing off the stage, straight where Mark’s waiting behind the divider.

The idol approaches and Mark begins to call out to him, but his efforts are wasted amongst the cheers from the crowd. Mark’s about to give up when Jinyoung’s eyes meet his, it’s as if the world had stopped, as if it was only them two in the room. Mark see’s something flash in Jinyoung’s eyes, a tidal wave of emotions pass by before he turns and walks out of sight, behind the large black curtain.

Mark lets out a laugh, we did he even expect after all. Mark’s an unknown rapper and Jinyoung’s a famous idol, Mark’s where he belongs, suddenly the divider in front of him represents a lot more to Mark than it did before. It reminds him of his failures, of his failed dreams to be on the same stage Jinyoung was on not too long ago, but most of all it reminds Mark that he’ll never deserve someone like Jinyoung.

He spends a few moments lost in his self-pity, it’s pathetic but Mark needs it and he doesn’t notice when a security guard is bursting through the crowd until a hand wraps around his wrist and pulls him out. Mark yelps and struggles at first but when he notices the sheer size of the guy, he quietly lets himself be manhandled out of the swarm of fan girls and into a hallway, his brain is racing what was going on? Had Jinyoung hated the sight of him so much that he had the security guy kick him out?

Mark’s is thrown into an empty waiting room and the redhead stumbles in, looking around wildly before the door is opening again and a familiar figure walks in. Mark feels his stomach drop, eyes widening as he watches Jinyoung enter the room warily, he looks tired from the previous practice but still looks so ing flawless and Mark can’t tear his eyes away.

“What are you doing here?” Jinyoung asks crossing his arms at a play at intimidating but Mark can see the hurt in his gaze.

“I came to apologize.”

“You could’ve just called.”

“Yeah but…I needed to see you, to see this.” Mark gestures at the building at Jinyoung’s stage outfit. “I’m really sorry for how I acted the other day, for saying those things about you I was wrong. Seeing you today, how hard you were working how tired you must be. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

Jinyoung’s eyes soften and his arms fall limply to his sides, he doesn’t bother to control his face anymore and lets it droop, Mark can see the dark circles under his eyes and something uncomfortable pangs in his heart.

“It’s tough, I’ve spent more combined hours in that practice room than with any of my friends and I miss my family to death most of the time and I never get any days off but when I was hanging out with you I forgot about all that, about my stress and my responsibilities, I felt free.” Jinyoung looks away as he unleashes his pent up emotions, Mark wants to comfort him, bring him into a hug tell him everything is going to be ok, but it’s too much too soon and the redhead can only watch the younger with sad eyes.

“So, thank you, I guess, for making me feel that way.” He finishes, trailing off as Mark takes a daring step forward, arm twitching to reach up and touch the other. A sharp voice on the intercom calls for JJ Project to get ready again and Jinyoung curses softly under breath, Mark stops himself from doing anything stupid and just smiles weakly at Jinyoung.

“Will you stay and watch the rest of the performance?” Jinyoung asks him, there’s no malice in his tone.

“Do you want me too?” Mark replies, trying to not get his hopes up but failing miserably.

Jinyoung nods wordlessly and Mark feels something flutter in his chest where his hearts supposed to be.

JJ Project nails the performance and Mark watches proudly feeling as if he’s living vicariously through them, grin stretched onto his face as their names get called as the winner. A fan girl next to the redhead lets out a piercing shriek when Jinyoung aims a smile in their direction and Mark doesn’t have the heart to tell her it was meant for him (but he treasures it just the same)

It’s not a gesture of forgiveness (yet) but its close enough.