sometimes he allows himself to let go, to let his thoughts drift to the things he shouldn’t be thinking of. most of them usually involves a certain cha hakyeon.

tonight’s no different; he is in the cab, on the way back to his apartment after arriving from Switzerland. he had been away from home for a total of three long months, having been touring country to country on his own – a well-deserved break from his hectic life, wonshik had told him. it’s been a dream, or something in his bucket list since he was young. years spent training, and then performing in dazzling costumes and thick makeup took most of his youth away, but at thirty-one years and a few days old  he doesn’t think it’s too late to fulfil this dream of his yet. he misses it, he would admit. he misses the thrill and burst of adrenaline flowing through him when his hand wraps around the microphone, he misses the spotlight shining on him, he misses the ringing of his fans’ cheers when he steps down from the stage. but he thought he needed this, needed to stay away from everything for a while, needed to stay away so that he can possibly stop the yearning and the aching of his heart.

but as he looks at the rainy Seoul night outside and catches two boys sharing an umbrella under the streetlight, his mind drifts off to him again, and he knows that three months and six countries are not enough and that it’ll never be.

minutes before he reaches his apartment, he leans forward and tells the driver a change in the address. he soon arrives at a familiar street, luggage at his side and his arm carrying a duffel bag. the air was cold in the november night and the rain falling on him makes it worse. he contemplates on getting hakyeon to come out to fetch him, hands holding onto his phone turning slightly numb before he finally decides to call him.

it rings thrice before he hears his voice.

“taekwoon-ah?”

he takes a sharp intake of breath, but controls himself quick enough.

“yah, jung taekwoon. i heard you’re coming back today? why didn’t you call me earlier? i would’ve came to fetch you, you jerk.” hakyeon doesn’t stop talking, as usual. “to think that i had to hear this from jaehwan, do you still consider me as your heart’s friend or has the three months away caused you to forget about me?”

“of course not,” taekwoon replies before he could even think about it. “how could i ever.” how i wish I could, he doesn’t say.

“oh,” hakyeon seems surprised at this quick reply. “a-alright. you better not.”

there was a minute of silence before he spoke up again. “hakyeon-ah.”

“hm?”

“I’m near your house right now, can you come fetch me?”

“what?” taekwoon hears him exclaim and then some clanking of utensils. he must be having his dinner now, taekwoon thinks, he’s a family man after all.  “yah, will you ever change that habit of yours to pop up suddenly? where are you? I’ll come right away. ah, are you standing in the rain? you idiot, get in the shelter or you’ll fall sick!”

taekwoon smiles. not surprisingly, hakyeon knows him the best. “got it.”

hakyeon came to him running in a simple sweater and training pants, holding a red umbrella as he glared at taekwoon. “i swear to god, I’m going to kill you the next time you come here without warning – wait, is that your luggage? you came here straight away?”

taekwoon shrugs, pointing at his umbrella. “you only brought one? how is it going to be enough?”

hakyeon blinks at him blankly for a while before groaning.  “I forgot! sorry! should I go back and get another? ah, maybe I can get jiyoon to bring another one out for us –“

taekwoon cringes at the mention of hakyeon’s wife and it doesn’t go unnoticed by hakyeon. “it’s fine, we’ll just have to make do with it, don’t we.” he speaks quickly, turning to get his luggage before pulling hakyeon along with him.

he feels hakyeon’s gaze at the side of his head, but he doesn’t acknowledge it. the umbrella is indeed too small for two grown men to fit and taekwoon feels his sleeves getting wet already, but he nudges the umbrella to the left so that hakyeon would be more or less sheltered. hakyeon notices this as well, and he voices out his disapproval. “stop trying to shelter me, you’re getting wet, aren’t you?”

taekwoon sighs and turns to shoot hakyeon a look. “’learn to take care of yourself before you take care of others’, how long have I been telling you that?”

hakyeon clicks his tongue and reaches up to chop his neck, but taekwoon knows he listened to his words well.

hakyeon’s house comes into view soon enough, and taekwoon braces himself to smile at his family, hakyeon’s family that doesn’t include him. the thought sends chills through him that is much colder than the november air, and he stands frozen at the gate of his house.

“taekwoon-ah?” hakyeon turns back when he catches taekwoon stopping abruptly, concern etched on his features. “what’s wrong?”

taekwoon looks up when hakyeon steps closer to him, just so that their eyes lock. there was silence, and he could hear the sound of rain pelting on the metal gates clearly, as well as hakyeon’s soft intake of breaths. he searches hakyeon’s eyes for something, he wasn’t sure what, but he knew he didn’t find it.

“taekwoon.” hakyeon’s voice was soft, and it reminds him of the times where they held each other closely in the corner of the practice room, trying to hold them together when the stress was too much.

he lets out a quick breath and pulls away, blinking to stop the tears from coming out. “sorry about that.” he laughs airily.

hakyeon doesn’t say anything, but he places a hand on taekwoon’s shoulders and squeezes comfortingly before turning to open the gate.

the smell of cooked rice greets him the moment he steps into their house, and his stomach grumbled slightly. hakyeon turns to him and laughs, teasing him about being hungry. and then he hears another giggle and a flutter of pink before arms are wrapped around one of his legs and sparkling eyes are looking into his.

“uncle taekwoon!” miyeon squeals and he laughs, bringing her up into his arms.

“hello, miyeon. have you been good?” he speaks gently, and lets hakyeon take his luggage from his arms to put it aside.

hakyeon’s daughter nodded excitedly and points at hakyeon. “daddy’s been complaining about you all day long.”

hakyeon gasps at his daughter’s revelation. “cha miyeon, what did daddy say about lying?”

“but you were, daddy!” miyeon shouts, giggling in taekwoon’s arms.

“he was,” another voice came backing miyeon’s words from the kitchen, and taekwoon’s smile fades for a while. “he was talking about how you didn’t want him anymore, taekwoon.” jiyoon comes out, pale, slim hands holding onto a cloth. “welcome back, taekwoon-ah.”

“it’s good to be here, jiyoon.” he replies politely, and turns his attention back to the girl in his arms when she patted his arms impatiently. except that he wasn’t listening. he nods and gives the four year old the right response at the right time, but his attention was on hakyeon and the way he looks at jiyoon.

taekwoon doesn’t hate her. he doesn’t think he can, not when she was as loving and kind as hakyeon was. not when she was the one loved by hakyeon. he doesn’t hate her, but he is jealous of her, jealous of how she gets to have hakyeon’s love and devotion, the same, if not more, than what he once had.

they were lovers once.

a long time ago, in the midst of maddening schedules, they had been lovers. they found comfort in each other’s arms and desperate kisses, trying to let the coiled tension in themselves loose. but there came the time that they realized that this was not going to work out.

“we’re men, taekwoon-ah. you want a family, and i can’t give you that.” hakyeon told him during one of their rare free night. taekwoon has said nothing, just stared at the thread hanging loose from hakyeon’s worn sweater that he refused to throw away because it’s comfortable and it reminds him of home. “what are our parents going to think, what are our friends going to think… what are our fans going to think?”

taekwoon wanted to tell him that he doesn’t care, as long as he has hakyeon by his side he feels like he can give up on everything else. but he also knows that he was very much in love with him, and love makes people do silly things. taekwoon was not a silly man, so he kept quiet and let hakyeon continue.

“we’re both a little too old to handle things like this, don’t you think?”

taekwoon nodded, and hakyeon turns to give him a sad, sad smile.

“i still love you, but… we can’t.”

all taekwoon could remember was feeling suffocated and yet unable to spill anything out.   

he feels almost the same right now, as he puts on hakyeon’s knitted sweater that is a little too small for him, but “it’s better than being in that soaked clothing isn’t it?” as insisted by hakyeon. there are a million thoughts racing through his mind, all of them related to hakyeon. he knows that it wouldn’t be right to tell hakyeon what he’s feeling, he is a married man with a child after all. but he wishes, just wishes that he could just tell him that he still loves him, that he regrets not telling him what he could have so many years ago to keep him by his side. he wants to ask if he’s happy now, but he’s afraid of the answer he would get (he already has an answer in his heart anyway, and it’s better to not hear it himself).

he swallows all of those thoughts when hakyeon enters the room with a sleeping miyeon in his arms, the toy he got her from Switzerland still in her hands. “you sure you don’t want to stay for the night, taekwoon?”

taekwoon shook his head. “is it a trouble to ask you to send me back now?” he watches hakyeon tuck miyeon into the bed and press a kiss to her forehead, and the urge to cry rushes back to him again.

“of course not,” hakyeon says softly, smiling at him from across the room.

taekwoon smiles back, but it has a completely different meaning from hakyeon’s.

the road back was quiet, hakyeon has switched the radio station for them to hear the show jaehwan took over starting from a few months ago, and jaehwan’s voice filled the car the whole road back. taekwoon realized that he hasn’t missed jaehwan or any of the other members throughout the three months away. it’s only hakyeon, and it always had been.

they stop in front of his apartment building, letting jaehwan’s laughter fill the silence between them. taekwoon takes a deep breath before he faces hakyeon again. “thanks for the ride.”

hakyeon smiles. “why are you being so courteous suddenly?”

taekwoon says nothing about that and takes his duffel bag from the back seat. “I guess I’ll be going then.”

they get out of the car together and hakyeon retrieves his luggage from the boot. “rest well, we have a Christmas  event for Starlights next month – ah, I almost forgot!” taekwoon watches him reach inside the car and rummage for something.

he comes back with a fancy looking black box in his hands. “there, your birthday present.”

taekwoon takes it and raises a brow.

“it’s a scarf. didn’t you say that you lost your scarf in Italy or something?” hakyeon stuffs his hands into the pockets of his pants and shrugs.

he did, in a post in the fancafe to update the fans on what he’s been doing. he’s surprised that hakyeon actually read it, but he guessed he shouldn’t be. “thank you.”

they stand under the dim streetlights, the cold and wet weather making them shiver slightly but neither of them moves. hakyeon looks down first, and taekwoon knows he’s about to say something he doesn’t want to hear.

“I’m sorry, taekwoon-ah.”

he is right.

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but still…”

taekwoon clenches his fist. “then don’t say it.”

he closes the distance between them and holds hakyeon softly, resting his chin on hakyeon’s shoulder and ignores how hakyeon tenses up slightly.

“I…” he starts, and then clears his throat.

I still love you.

“I missed you.”

he feels hakyeon’s warm hands resting on his sides lightly, as if he isn’t sure if he should do this, and taekwoon’s chest starts to ache again.

“I missed you too.”

with a sigh he pulls away, avoiding hakyeon’s eyes as he pats his shoulder and turns to leave. he doesn’t turn back until he hears the sound of engines starting and tires against asphalt, and it is only then that he lets the tears fall.

even being thousands of miles away, spending thousands of hours away from him isn’t enough.

he’s still in love.