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Fly awayThis was never meant to happen; she'd never planned on finding herself here...and yet she was. Clothes were going in to suitcases, that ridiculous banana bed was hiding in one of may boxes, probably at the bottom of the ever growing pile and the dorm the girls had shared for the last year was nearly empty. It was all over, and there was nothing anyone could do to reverse it by this point. F(x) were over and everyone was going their separate ways, despite the initial fight to keep everything going.
The worst part was, they didn't even get their fan club name.
It was the manager that had been forced to announce the decision to all five of them in private and after a show; the last SM town show. It certainly brought the mood down. So far as they had been concerned, they were back on track and ready to go back in to recording. Or...that's what Amber had thought at least. Apparently the announcement made at the company dinner that night (which they had not been invited to, despite all following rumours) had been just as unsettling.
"Great show, Ber. See you later, yeah?"
Being shouted at in passing was normal post show etiquette, though they'd been reprimanded for it too many times to count. Something about not saving their voices; if they were allowed to yell at each other on stage, why was an extra five minutes backstage any different?
"Yeah, look I gotta get back to our room; oppa's been demanding us since the second we got off stage."
It was unusual, though not unheard of, for there to be that much demanding just after the show. He had been very clear; she was to get off stage, avoid getting in to conversations and go straight to their changing room. She certainly wasn't allowed to get dragged off to another group's room.
"Wait...what? Who is he, huh? Who's stealing my Amber?"
Laughing it off, she waved a hand in their direction and started walking backwards; she really did have to get back.
"Chill Snoops, manager, oppa, oppa manager. Y'know?"
He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair as he bounced off after an rather impatient looking Heechul called him for the third time; best not to disturb the emperor. Best not to annoy said manager to much either. He didn't look entirely happy as she was the last to slip in to the room, some of them already in the process of removing make up.
"Good show girls, great show. Maybe your best ever."
His voice interrupted the electric quiet and all eyes moved to him, tugging hair out of grips and bands, and the fidgeting started. Sitting still wasn't something they were good at. It was Victoria who broke the silence, which was only right considering her position.
"There were still faults...but we can fix them next time, right? Work harder, f(x)"
There was a strain in his smile, a sadness in him as he watched them still on that high they always seemed to get after a show finished and they knew they'd put on a good performance - not that this sadness was obvious to the girls.
"That's why I needed to talk to you."
"Oh, are we going back in to the studio? Or are we going overseas? Oh, maybe...are we going to China? Vic, do you know; they'd have told you, right?"
Luna always talked on and on, it was a cute habit most of the time, just not so much when they were tired.
"No, I wish you were, but..." he trailed off, burying his head in his hands as his shoulders shook for the first times. Reaching out, Victoria's hands encased his as he spoke again, voice breaking off. "I'm sorry, so sorry. This is my fault. I should've been the one working harder. I didn't and now they're..."
He didn't need to finish the sentence; they all knew deep down what was going on. Silence seemed to close up their throats, shutting off any attempt at comforting each other with words in the journey home, though broken sobs could occasionally be heard from the normally impossibly happy Sunyoung. Tears spilled and they clung to each other that night, even after sleep took them in the living room, unable to face splitting up to go to bed. They fought to stay awake as long as possible, to make their last day together as long as possible.
"So...did you decide anything yet?"
A voice broke in to her world, snapping her out of a daze as she moved one of the smaller boxes on to the pile sitting in a corner. They were possibly the last person she'd expected to come help out and yet...they were the only one who'd offered. It had been strange, hearing from them out of the blue like that...but it was nice.
"No, I'm...still working on it, you know." She replied, hesitating in her answer. She really didn't know what she was going to do yet. Yes, there had been offers, but it was all still too raw to make a move on them. She knew they wouldn't be around forever, but...did she really want to jump from one position to another without really processing what had happened first?
"What about everyone else?"
That was a good question; what was everyone else doing? Now, who had said what was going on already...Victoria had been the last person she had seen, which made sense as to why her name came to mind. However, the news had already broken, Everyone already knew where she was going, and who was helping her with the transition. It had been a rather surreal moment, none of them had expected to be in the same room as them again possibly ever.
"Victoria's going back to China; Yuehua made an offer pretty soon after the announcement was made."
Three days. 72 hours. 4320 minutes...give or take a few hundred here and there. That was all the time they had had to digest the news. They hadn't even been given the courtesy of all that time being just for them; less than six hours after the news had been broken within the company, the official statement had been released. They hadn't been given enough time for them, and then having to deal with everyone knowing, everyone waiting for them to leave, everyone waiting on that exclusie first picture. They hadn't had enough time, and they were running out of what little was left.
Victoria had got out, desperate for air, and in need of food that wasn't ordered over the phone. They couldn't eat chicken or pizza or chinese again. They needed something real. Something with actual vegetables in it.
She was in the kitchen when Victoria got back, chewing on her bottom lip as she pulled item after item out of the bags, stuffing ice cream in to the freezer and leaving food on the side. Glancing up from her phone as Victoria started picking through knives and the pile in front of her, the lack of a cheerful greeting was unusual (thoughname something about their situation that wasn't) and oddly uncomfortable.
"What took you so long?" She asked, slipping off her seat and padding over to help. There was a jerk in the older girl's shoulders as her voice broke the quiet: something needed to.
"Amber, I..."
Her hands went still asAmbr stopped next to her, putting down her knife as the other picked a peeler and potato up, wrinkling her nose as it simply slid over the skin rather than taking it off. Amber had a feelig something was coming that she wasn't going to like hearing.
"A company has been in touch."
Closing her eyes, Amber pushed it down. There was a break threatening to spill. She couldn't do it though; someone had to hold it together at the moment. Someone had to be strong enough to hold them as they wept. Swallowing down a lump, she opened her eyes back up and went back to working on the potato in her hand.
"Directly with you?"
If it was through the company then they would be okay; someone would want all of them, right? If the company had been in touch with Victoria, then it meant someone wanted all of them, not just one or two. They'd been so clear about that. If it was direct though...if it was direct, then why would she bring it up?
"We said we were staying together."
She must have missed that subtle nod, but apparently the owner of the small voice hadn't. She could feel that white hot fear creeping it's way up again. It was getting harder and harder to keep it down, to hide it. She knew if she opened right then, it would rush her and she'd be locking herself in the bathroom again. That was fine when they'd all gone to bed, but not with them all still awake.
"I know, but...it's Yuehua."
Yuehua...gripping the peeler hard, she scrunched her face up hard and left it there. Even when the lights danced behind her eyes and they began to hurt, she didn't open them. The thrum of clenching muscles didn't kill off the conversation she had been hing to avoid hearing. Even the dull ache of the kitchen implement digging in to her hand did nothing. How could she resist going back? How could she resist an offer from that company of all companies? It didn't matter when arms were wrapped around her, it didn't matter that she could feel the panic slip out of the tiniest of cracks and down her to freedom. Even the whipsered words did nothing to ease the ache in her heart.
"I'm sorry...so sorry."
"Oh that's right, Hankyung came to help her, didn't he? How did that go?"
It made her laugh, inwardly at least, when people still referred to him as Hankyung; how long until they let that go? He was HanGeng now, he had been for years...maybe some habits were harder to break than other though. It would be nice if they could drop his stage name already, because that was what Hankyung was; it had been a stage name for Korean audiences. He didn't cater to them any more, not really. It had been nice to see him again; although they had never really been all that close, he seemed to understand what it was like to go through what they were going through, or something similar at least.
He knew what it was like to leave everything you'd built up over the years: the connections that were supposed to last a life time, the memories that you shouldn't be able to pack in to boxes, what it was like to be labelled a traitor, or incapable of adapting. What he didn't get though, was the feeling of being forced out. He'd left of his own free will.
"Not as bad as people would think. He was really good about it all." She answered, hands lingering on another photoframe. One of her and Victoria, coincidentally. Yeah, good. He tried to be good about it, but she still felt that he didn't really get it. That simmering resentment was still building, all from that hand on her shoulder and weak smile. Still...plaster on the smile and keep going, just like any good idol, right? It was what they were trained for, after all.
"What about Krystal?"
Krystal had been the last to announce what was going on for her; it was probably only because Jessica had ambushed her, demanding to know just what her little sister was doing with her life. It had been almost comical to watch this fully grown woman stomp in to a rapidly emptying apartment, sit on the nearest solid object and refuse to move until her sister came back.
It was the constant pout that made it funny, really.
Krystal had been a bit of a surprise. They had thought that she would stay with SM at first, though she had hinted at leaving without confirming anything. Apparently she'd been in talks and hadn't wanted anything to get out and ruin it.
"C-JeS...I think she made the right move, though Jessica wasn't happy at first."
"You!"
Stopping dead in the doorway, Krystal found herself being stared down by a rather angry looking sister. Like a deer caught in headlights, she didn't move until practically pushed in by the next person coming in behind her. There was going to be an audience for this announcement apparently. Oh, and there was going to be an announcement, whether Krystal liked it or not.
"Oh, umm...hi unnie? What brings you here?"
If looks could kill, Krystal would have dropped down there and then. Stupid questions had been her specialty in moments of panic, and apparently panic was starting to creep in.
"What am I...aish, this kid. Really? What am I doing here? More like whre are you going."
Rolling her eyes, Jessica flopped back down on her perch, arms crossed over her chest as she stared out of the window, clearly not impressed."
"Oh...I just got back, actually. I signed with C-JeS"
There was a round of smiles and murmured well dones for the most part; maybe an underlying questioning of why she changed, though only one person dared raise that question.
"Yah! You're not staying with SM?"
Back up on her feet and nostrils flared, Jessica had pointed at Krystal, full of accusation and possibly a hint of disappointment.
"Well...no, why would I?"
"Sunyoung had offers, right?"
Of course Sunyoung, as she now insisted on being called, (she wasn't Luna any more because they weren't f(x) anymore), had had offers. When an idol with her abilites was placed on the table, it was going to be all out warfare. She didn't need to try and prove she could sing or dance. None of them had to. She had already proven she was a strong variety guest and competant host. Though acting opportunites hadn't come her way in their droves, she had proved that she could in the few she'd had.
Luna was a complete package, and the pretty pink bow of hope and joy on top was just a bonus. Who didn't want a forever optomistic, hardworking idol under their company? Anyone who said they didn't were either a special kind of crazy or lying through their teeth to save face. Though she wasn't really the ideal visual component, she was a poster girl for what an idol should be. The embodiment of hard work and personal discipline.
Sunyoung was going to be a role model, she just didn't realise it.
"A couple of companies asked after her. She said she's talking to one, but she hasn't said who yet. I have a feeling it might be JYP, though she totally avoids the question."
"Time's nearly up and we still don't know what you're doing, Sunyoung."
Their manager had resigned and was working his last few weeks to make sure they got somewhere. Anywhere. A detail that he hadn't mentioned to them, but rumours He'd been with them since the start and, apparently, he was determined to be with them at the end too. F(x) weren't just five girls, they were managers and stylists and trainers in their family. It was more expansive than met the eye and the news hadn't gone down well. Only he'd had the courage to act on his disapproval though.
"Oh, Amber made a decision?" She asked, avoidance seeping from every inch of her body language. She didn't really meet their eyes, merely glancing up before going back to fiddling with the phone clasped in her hands. Chewing on her bottom lip, she glanced sideways as he sat down next to her on the couch with a sigh. Clearing his throat, the (former) manager gave her one of those looks, you know the ones: 'stop playing cute and answer the question'. A parent's face when dealing with a child who doesn't really want to be in on a conversation, usually because they're hiding something.
They knew she was talking to somewhere; she was always on her phone or out, but she never said where she went or who she was talking to. Glancing around at the shifting bodies, she scrunched her face up. How could she ignore all five people at once? With a sigh, she put the phone down in her lap and took to playing with a ring instead, twisting it on and off.
"I just...don't want to jinx anything."
With a sigh and a nod of the head, he stood back up and walked out of the room, the understanding of what she meant in his less creased up face. At least she had options, at least she was trying. There were others who just...didn't seem to be going anywhere he had to handle still.
"And Sulli?"
Looking at them, Amber raised an eyebrow and went back to moving boxes with the shake of her head. Like Sulli was even a question. Why would she ever leave SM entertainment? True, she was stepping back and focusing on her acting, but she was still staying. She was treated like a princess there, she had life long friends who understood her without even needing to speak. No, the past year or two had been hard enough without putting her through the trauma of hunting for a new label. She needed to be with people who knew her well, and she wasn't going to find them anywhere outside of the company.
"Do you even need to ask?"
"What does our Jinri plan on doing then, hmm?"
Arms wrapped around the taller girl's shoulders, Amber leant forward and watched the screen; another drama she coudln't name, hadn't had time or inclination to watch...there were so many of them in production these days, how was anyone meant to keep up with them? Still, this one seemed to have the younger girl (and her guest) fully engrossed in it. Another high schooler one if the uniforms were anything to go off of.
"She's staying with the company, didn't she tell you?" The other answered, taking his eyes off the screen for a moment to study Amber as she pulled back, resting her elbows on the back of the couch instead. No, she hadn't told them, though in all honesty it made perfect sense. Why would she go?
As much as she wanted to be insulted, of course Heechul would know before them. Those two were practically joined at the hip.
Sighing, she straightened up and shrugged as Sulli chimed in with a hum of agreement; she really needed to stop watching so many dramas. She practically lived in front of the screen these days.
"Come to China, you've been complaining often enough that you need to practice your mandarin more."
Looking at them, she sook her head and taped up another box, picking it up and pausing to stare at them; how could they even propose that to her? Why should she give up that easily? Why should she give up on some she had fought with blood, sweat and tears for? She had no intention of going anywhere. She was still young and capable, she had connections and she wasn't a quitter. She'd leave that to everyone else who decided it was a little bit too hard.
"And be the next foreign artist who couldn't adjust?" She near enough spat out at them, spite laced in to her glare. No, that label wasn't for her. She wasn't going to let herself be boxed like that. She wasn't going to be the next chinese artist to cave.
"Going back to California won't make that label go away and you know it."
There was hurt in their voice, disappointment more likely. Shaking their head at her, they went back to moving bigger boxes closer to the door. Someone else would be there to collect them. By the end of the day, all of this would be over. There would be nothing left here for her. Really, they were right though. Just because she was going back to America rather than to China, it didn't mean they weren't going to tar her with the same brush.
"Look, that was out of line, I..." She started, only to be cut off by a huff and the sound of a box being dropped on the pile rather roughly. Their voice behind her as they replied indicated an exceptional annoyance; a tone she hadn't heard from them in a long time. Actually, not since...when was that last time? Ah yes, it was when...or not. Hadn't she only been told about that? It was possible. When you knew someone else that well, she was sure it was possible to construct someone else's memory within your own mind without actually having been present/
"I know, you're sorry. You're always sorry. You're always apologising for everything. Not being able to read something you've never seen before, not knowing the right word or the right way of saying it, not...being perfect."
They finished, running a hand through their hair as they spoke. They were frustrated with her, she could see it. Rolling her eyes as they sighed at her for what had to be the thousandth time that day, she closed the gap, wrapping her arms around their waist. She coudln't help but smile a little as she felt them stiffen at the inital contacts. How long had it been since they'd been hugged like this though? Closing her eyes as they relaxed and returned the embrace, she swallowed a lump in . How could she go to China when she was still so tired?
"We had a good run. A great run, in fact, but I gotta stop before I burn out. I need to stop before this becomes just another day in the office for me."
She knew she had to make this call - the number of rejected skype sessions was building. She just wasn't ready to talk yet. She already knew what her dad was going to tell her; how this was exactly what he thought was going to happen. None of them could really predict the future though, none of them had really seen this coming. They had risen so high and done so well. They had lasted longer than darling Kim Young Min had predicted, though not quite as long as they had hoped.
Sitting down in front of her laptop, she opened the screen and clicked on the blue icon. Part of her hated what she was doing as she flicked through the online contacts, looking for one of three names witht he little online icon next to them. She didn't want to do this; she didn't want to admit it was happening...but the truth was, they probably already knew. It was probably why they'd been trying to call her, probably what all those unread messages were about. Blinking as the call connected, the first face she saw was her mom's, weighed down and aged with worry.
She could already feel the heat prickling at the corners of her eyes, but she was determined not to react to it. Straining for a smile, she found that now all too familiar lump in the way. How on earth was she meant to say anything when it wouldn't leave her alone? Gulping down air, she struggled to find her voice and all that came out was this weak, reedy tone that didn't sound like her at all, but considering her mom's mouth hadn't moved and there was no-one else in the room, who's else could it be?
"Mama..."
"Alright; where are you gonna go, Little Llama?"
It was a strange sensation, feeling the words at the same time as hearing them, maybe even a little before. The rise and fall of their chest and a soft rumble...was it a rumble? She wasn't sure how else to describe it. It was nice though...grounding. There had been a lot of hugs like this over recent weeks, but even this wasn't enough. Deep down she knew she needed to be at home because only a father could grant the security she needed right now.
"Y'know, I don't know yet. I'll let you know when I get there, Appa Alpaca" She replied, pulling away and pushing her hair back, fixing it under oen of the few caps to have not been landed in storage. Glancing around at the apartment, she coudln't help but frown again. It felt too big now, though it had never felt that way until now. "It's kinda weird seeing this place so...empty. Who'd've thought you could fit six years in to some boxes and suitcases?"
A squeeze to her shoulder brought her back in to the world; a knock on the door signalled the arrival of the last round of removals. What was left would go in to storage to be shipped back to the states; what else was she supposed to do with it, after all? Clicking open the door, her guest leant up against a wall, trying to keep out of the way (though it was hard to do when you were the giant beanstalk) as the noise began up again. He seemed to be studying her as she turned to look at him.
"You gonna be okay?"
It was more light hearted, though still oddly reassuring. Some people were better than others at goodbye; this guy? He had to be one of the best she knew when he felt like it...that, or he completely messed it up and would end up on his or spilling something down him. It was loveable though, and he was doing a good job of not making this too awkward.
"Yeah, I think I will be. Thanks, Yifan"
With a nod of the head, he picked his jacket back up as the last box left the apartment and slid his shoes back on, making sure she was following. There was no point dragging it out after all, was there? Holding her own jacket out for her as she left the room, his smile was back. It was hard not to smile when he did; there was something infectious about it.
"Anytime, Yiyun. Let me know when you change your mind about China."
Slipping her jacket over her shoulders as she locked the door, he patted her on the back and pulled her away from the door and out to a waiting taxi. She had a plane to catch after all. There was no time to dwell on the sound of a lock slipping in to place, sealing away six long years of tears and triumphs. They were gone now; memories weren't tied to one place, you carried them with you in your mind and in your heart. The love five girls (and their manager) had for each other would never fade. A divorce didn't stop siblings being siblings, just like disbandment didn't stop a gorup being a group. It was just a piece of paper after all, wasn't it?
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