- Prologue -

(Warning: Explicit language ahead)

I can feel the gazes of the people - people who I used to hang out with, people who I used to make fun of - as I walk along the corridor of my high school. From the corner of my eyes, I see them whisper amongst themselves, their judging looks piercing through me. I know what they are thinking, what they are saying.

.

No.

.

No.

Manipulative .

No! I wanted to scream at them. I wanted to go right up to them, to shake them. I wanted to tell them that they were all wrong. So, so wrong. I feel my throat closing up on me and it is so difficult to breathe. I also do not miss the subtle touches and grazes from the boys as I walk by. The unnecessary catcalling. The touches on my bum. The grazes on my s. They thought they were being subtle about it, but they are wrong. I feel it, and the touches burn right through my long sleeved shirt and to my skin. The need to scrub my body clean from their touches is strong that I nearly ran away. But I did not want to. I did not want to give them the satisfaction that they have broken me.

I look ahead and I see Jaemin standing by his locker. His eyes were emotionless and I cannot help the disappointment building inside of me. This was not the Jaemin I knew. He was my first boyfriend, first love. He was supposed to protect me, stand up for me and most importantly, stand by me. But the minute I did not give him what he wanted, the minute the rumours began, he turned a full 360 degrees and walked right out of my life.

“What a fake . Trying to act all innocent, when we all know what a ing she truly is,” my head snaps to the direction of the voice of my ex best friend.

Haeri scoffs in disgust when she sees me. My hands clench tightly when I see her whisper something to the person standing beside her. There she goes again, I thought, feeding more people more lies. My eyes burn and my vision begin to blur. I trusted her. I should have known that as soon as she suggested for me to do something against my values, she was someone I should have left a long time ago.

Unable to get to class, I walk quietly to the nearest toilet and lock myself in one of the cubicles. I lean against the door and slide down until my bottom hits the floor. I let the tears flow down my cheeks. I cry so hard until I throw up. Clutching my chest, I try to in as much air to calm myself down.

This pain is nothing, absolutely nothing, as opposed to what happened to me.

The feel of someone shaking my body wakes me up from my nightmare. I gasp for air as I open my eyes. A pair of big round eyes stares back at me and I know instantly that it was Jaehee, my roommate. I can feel beads of water trickle down my cheeks and I am unsure of whether they were my tears or perspiration. I sit up and try to calm my racing heart. I didn't know my hands were trembling until Jaehee gently held them in her hands.

"Soyoung, are you alright, honey?" Jaehee asks in a gentle tone. 

I swallow the bile forming in my throat and as much as I want to say 'no, I am not fine', I nod my head and give her a wry smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a really terrible nightmare."

She looks at me skeptically and I know that she doesn't believe me. This isn't the first time I experienced a nightmare while she is around and I know I should tell her about my past and my problems, but I am not ready. I have only known her for two months and it takes time for me to open up to someone. Especially when I have had many people from my past turn their backs on me. 

Forcing a huge smile on my face, hoping that it would be enough to convince Jaehee, I say, "Really, Jaehee. I'm sorry if I woke you up. You should go back to sleep. We have class tomorrow."

Sighing, she nods her head and walks back to her bed to go back to sleep. As much as I want to go back to sleep, I know that I would not be able to do so. Hence, I proceed to the toilet to wash my face.

Standing in front of the sink, I stare at my reflection in the mirror in front of me. Tousled hair, swollen eyes, dark circles under my eyes. I look like a mess. I am a mess.

Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

Feeling ashamed at myself, I place a shaky finger in my mouth. I gag as I place my finger further in. Forcing myself to vomit, tears well up in my eyes and begin to roll down my cheeks. My throat burns and my stomach hurts from all the retching.

When I am done, I run the tap and wash my mouth out. I do not dare to look up and stare at my reflection in the mirror again. Gripping the edge of the sink, I in a huge breath and let it out. I do it a few more times to let the colour back in my face.

“ it up, Soyoung,” I whisper to myself.

Averting my gaze from the sink to the cabinet beside the mirror, I think about how I hid the small bottle holding my anxiety pills behind a pile of towels. I nearly reach out my hand for it but then I remember the promise I made to myself. The promise to not rely on the anxiety pills and be as normal as possible.

Because, isn't that why I traveled all the way to Seoul from Busan? To feel normal again?

Short prologue! Thank you to those who subscribed ♡

Apologies for any grammar or spelling errors.

- 23 July 2014