*

My name is Luhan. I am very sick but I am ready to die.

That is why I’m in this bible study. Or my over-bearing mother is why.

A month ago, I was diagnosed of chronic leukaemia – the slow progressing kind. The kind that gives its victims some hope for a longer life. So they fight. And when the end finally comes for them, it is always too soon - they are unprepared. But not me. I have no intentions to fight, no intention to die in a hospital bed.

Mom accused me of being suicidal and I accused her of putting all her faith in the doctors.

Only God can save me mom.

I was bulting and apparently I’m good at it because she stopped shouting and she looked at me like she’s witnessing some divine revelation.

So I found myself agreeing to join this bible study every Saturday at 4. Mom said I should learn more about the guy I’m putting my faith into. The Guy. That is exactly her words. She is not particularly religious you see. She believes in a God that created us all, and watches over us all because it is a convenient and comforting thought.

I was not really thrilled by convenience and comfort but I still chose the bible over the prospect of radiation and chemotherapy.

When I got to bible study, there were already about over a dozen others gathered in a circle. All of them turned to look at me and the very first thing I noticed is how overdressed I was.

Okay I wasn’t just overdressed but rather really really out of place. I stared around them all – all weird, nerdy and poor judging from their clothes which made them look either from orphanage where all their clothes are hand-me-down donations or they do their clothes shopping in bargain stores. Bargain stores - very likely - because Christians are encouraged to live simply. Right?

What in the world have I gotten myself into?

I was directed to a seat by the leader, I assumed. I was still staring and silently judging them but they were staring at me too so what the hell.

The leader, a college looking guy with shoulder-length curly hair which made him look daringly like Jesus, awkwardly welcomed me and asked the rest of them to introduce themselves. I don’t remember any of their names but I don’t think any of them is an orphan – relevant information.

So there I was. Proving my point – my lie - that I believe God can heal me. Listening to Romans chapter 15, verse something and absorbing absolutely nothing. My “brothers and sisters” are far more interesting – by the fact they aren’t is the reason they are. Interesting. Does that make sense?

All young adults like me. I wondered if anyone is like me in terms of being forced to attend this study.

But nah, all of them looked so immersed and passionate with the discussion. It was mind-boggling how they ALL look plain, and well...poor, with God awful fashion sense. Coincidence? Or they just sort of adapt to and complement each other’s fashion. I shuddered to think of myself blending in with them.

Example, pretty boy in front of me is wearing a very unflattering beat-up moss-colored sweatshirt. That color is an abomination. Tsk. He’s pretty. With eyes too big for his very Korean face. He’ll put Anne Hathaway’s eye face proportion to shame.

I’m in the middle of examining his face when the leader- is he called a minister?
turned to me and asked something.

“Excuse me what?”

Naturally. I didn’t understand. Don’t judge me. Pretty boy’s lips curled up in amusement but he returned to his solemn look when he caught me looking.

The leader? Minister? smiles kindly at me, forgiving me for not paying attention.

“What do you think is the difference between happiness and joy?” he repeated.

Oh yeah, that. Well---

Okay, that is only a matter of word meaning, nuances---and not exactly a question of faith and beliefs – that should be easy. I could do that.

“Er-“

I glanced at the boy Anne Hathaway, looking for inspiration from his innocent pretty face.

“Happiness versus joy – I think happiness is the more common feeling, yeah?” I stared at him then around our circle. “It’s more common and easily found compared to joy. I mean, mom orders pizza, happiness. Classes cancelled, happiness. Perfect weather for soccer practice, happiness. Now, with joy –with joy—ahm-- ”

Well joy.

I realize I don’t really have any experience that I describe as joyful so....

“Like a mother holding her child for the first time?” The minister nods at me like I just said the most perfect thing. “So yeah, that’s joy for you.”

Yeah.

I got an approving smile from pretty boy. Cute. He is. Adorable – whispers the more expressive part of my brain. I kinda want him to smile a little wider---wilder. I don’t know why...but I wondered...I wondered what it will take to get a full smile out of someone like him. I was not talking about polite, grateful, kind-hearted smile because he probably gives them away like a charity work – meaning to anyone and everyone especially those who needed it. I was talking about smiles that are purely his own- his smiling because he’s happy, that’s all.

The happiness and joy talk must be getting into my head.

We discussed some more about the connection of joy, peace and hope which I tuned out in favour of spending my time sending meaningful yow this bible study blows, let’s hangout after to make-up for wasted time glances to the pretty boy in front of me. Minseok. I learned when he got called to read out the verse we studied for today.


 

I sorta tricked Minseok into helping me out to buy my own bible. We have a bible at home but you know...I’m intrigued. I need to get to know him or else I will not be able to sleep tonight. Exaggeration--- but my days were numbered so I needed to seize the day out of everyday.

He was very glad to help me out. It seemed he didn’t have much friends from the group by the way the rest glided away from him – from us. And now that I look at it – he’s also sort of an outcast. Like me. It’s still too early to ask him why so I didn’t.

Minseok is a simple person. When he prays at night, he just asks for a reason to smile for everyday and for the rest of his life. Smile – there is this topic again. He believes in fairy tales, miracles, he believes in true love and in forever.

He believes in finding happiness in the most ordinary kind of days.

Kinda heavy to tell someone he just met. But he said it’s just me. He didn’t normally open up fast to others.

I didn’t blame him. I’m sorta kinda like everybody’s friend.
I ask what’s his impression of me was when I walked in earlier because I feel disadvantaged by the fact that I was the only one intrigued. But maybe he was too? So I asked.

“You swaggered in actually,” he corrected, his voice has strength to it despite being soft– there’s depth in there I dunno I like it.

“You swaggered in, in your black trashed skinny jeans and snapback. You were so out of place from head to foot. But you seemed aware and comfortable of that. When you were introduced by the Minister as Luhan and he’s here because he has leukaemia and wishes to build a stronger faith and find hope your eyes glinted as if to say nope, not really, my mom just forced me to do this.”

“Whoa dude whoa. That’s exactly what I was thinking that time. You’re psychic!”

“But the leukaemia part is also true?” He looked at me as if expecting—hoping I will say no but then his eyes grew wide and he was apologizing, “Wait no---sorry---of course, you wouldn’t lie about something like that.”

I told him it was all right.

“It’s just that—your eyes,” he continued as we walk side by side – him looking down at his feet, me looking over at him. “That time. It looks the most full of life out of all the others in there and I thought---I was thinking----who among us is actually dying.”

I whistled at that because heavy stuff when I don’t even know how old he is, what high school he goes to.

He looked over at me and watched me---with his huge eyes where I can almost see my reflection.

And I got it.

What he’s saying about eyes and actual dying.

*

I insisted to walk him home since he helped me out and it’s already getting dark. On his neighbourhood, he stopped at one house to help this old lady to cart away the weeds he pulled from her garden to her backyard where there was a burning heap of more weeds and dried leaves. I was actually the one who pushed the wheelbarrow sort of thing while watching Minseok carry easy conversations with the old lady. Apparently, this wasn’t the first time he helped her with her weeding.

After we said our goodbye to her and insisting no ma’am we can’t stay for dinner, we passed the burning pile of leaves and weeds I was struck with a revelation – an idea, really but it felt so monumental that time.

“Minseok what are you wearing under that sweater?” I asked.

He regarded me with a confused and suspicious look. That look sure was hot on him, I should weird him out more.

“A shirt. Why? Do you need to borrow? Are you cold?”

I wasn’t. It was autumn for one and there was a crackling fire emanating warmth beside us.

When he shed and handed me the offensive sweater, his eyes were all curious and before he can caught on my plan I threw away his sweater right on the burning fire.

The heap toppled over making the fire expand. I don’t know what fabric that sweater was made from, but it caught the fire easy – the sleeves were the first to disappear into the beginning of smoking soot.

I turned to Minseok, his eyes fixed on the fire, twice as big in shock.

“What did you do?” he whispered.

“Got rid of the source of my eye pain and Minseok, believe me your life is better off without that excuse for a sweater.”

He looked at the fire, then back at me, then to the fire again and whispered to it, “My dad----my dad gave that to me before he died. It was my grandfather’s, he—“

I stared at him for full second – panic bubbling in my stomach and just what the have I done then I jumped to the fire like I rescuer would a burning building.

Minseok shrieked – high but thick as he tugged me back before I subject my fingers to hell of burning dried leaves, weeds, and apparently precious heirloom sweater.

“I was joking Luhan! It was a joke,’ he said between laughs. Hearty laughing – and it was the sound of that that brought me back to my senses.

Damn.

He got me there.

Damn.

“That wasn’t funny! I almost singe my pretty fingers!” I shouted or I intended to but I just really laughed most of it off.

He was laughing so hard but managed to squeak out how it was my fault. Then he recovered, hiccupping a little then looked at me with full smile on his lips and the fire in his eyes.

Damn. Again.

His smile is heavenly. I don’t even know what I mean by that word but it’s the first thing that comes to mind. I’m blaming my cancer cells for making me come up with things related to happiness and heaven.

I felt---proud---I made him smile like that. Mission accomplished? Took me only more than two hours. When his lips stretched into a full smile it showed some gums and a slight space between his teeth and the edge of his mouth. His teeth are small. I would call them cute but I don’t think it’s an appropriate description for a set of well—teeth.

When he snapped his fingers in front of me, I realized, I’m staring and that who I’m staring at is no longer a stranger.

“We should be friends,” I told him.

He was taken aback and I don’t know why it affected me – it was like he’s not used being asked to be friends. He probably really wasn’t.

He was still smiling but a little guarded when he agreed.

His sweater was just a black pile by this time and the fire was reduced to thick black smoke-belching ember.

*

It was too easy being his friend - we were from different universes and getting to know each other’s is exciting and finding where our world overlap is----comforting. A common ground, anchor, axis, and all that.

I didn’t filter what I said regarding my faith or lack of and he’s very respectful—never told me I’m living wrong and I’m hell bound. Actually, he seemed pretty interested on how to know how I live my life. More than several occasions he said – Yeah I can see that will work you.

Despite all that we have an invisible divide that only I can see – because---I’m gay. He’s obviously Christian. That’s like rhetorical. I wonder if he will say Yeah I can see that will work us.

I know he will not judge me but still---the moment to bring it up never came.

*

One time he went to bible study wearing this big black-rimmed glasses and the first thing that registered to me was he’s hot in it and then I noticed his right eye was drooping a bit.

“What happened?” I asked and he jerked back defensively.

“Nothing.”

“No nothing,” I said. I was quite familiar to the size of his eyes to know something was up. Like a ninja, I whipped out the glasses from his face.

“Hey,” he protested but I’ve seen enough. Right where the glasses rim rested was a black-eye. It wasn’t black yet really, more of a bruise, fresh enough that he probably got it just the day before.

“Now that’s not nothing. What happened?” I asked again and by this time the others were piling to their seats and casting us curious looks.

“I bumped it,” he shrugged.

“Where’d you bumped it, to someone’s fist?” I asked stronger than I intended to.

Minseok scowled at me then said noncommittally, “It’s just your usual high-school squabble.”

As hot as it was imagining him being a bad- and getting into a fist-fight, I knew there was more to it. He will never throw the first punch, I was sure of that.

“Did you hit back?” I asked and he fixed me this look that reminded me of how my mother looked whenever I curse. Instead of answering, he snatched back his glasses and placed it back on his face. I would not press on for the reason of the fight but it was very important for me to know that he at least got even. Knowing Minseok, he most probably didn’t and it annoyed the hell out of me.

“Tell me you hit back,” I nudged him, “or atleast tell me who it was, I’ll beat him up for you while you watch.”

The study was now starting with a prayer and Minseok’s eyes were closed tight but I doubt he was praying. I nudged him again.

“I did okay?” he whispered. “And I regretted it. Now I’m suspended for three days.”

I smiled widely, “That was the awesomest news I’ve heard. I mean I’m sorry about your black-eye but look at the bright side, we can hang-out on school nights, hell I could skip class and we’ll hangout on----oh I’m sorry minister, yes Romans chapter 16, yes, I’m going there now. Sorry.”

Minseok just smirked beside me.

*

After an easy 6 weeks in the bible study, I finally realized the reason he’s being outcasted by the bunch and probably also the reason for his black eye. Through the story of two angels who visited the city of Sodom – one of the few anecdotes in the bible twisted to imply how thirst of the flesh from the same should be punished by death. It was retold by this hideous girl while casting judgemental looks at Minseok. Everyone else did, at least once each, cast an eye of judgement, suspicion, even mildly subdued disgust---all to the nicest person I’ve ever met in my life. It was heartbreaking. And I was so stupid----it has been obvious--

Well.

Wow.

He’s gay. Minseok.

Everyone else be damned in the hells of fire.

I already knew we’re the same – forced by our mother to attend this. He never told me why but I know now. To correct his sinful thoughts and preference - as hideous girl kindly put it.

Minseok was trying to act oblivious in his seat, but the scowl in his face betrayed him. I can’t believe he’s not doing anything to defend himself.

I can’t stand it---even if I give it my all to try.

I was totally not listening to what verse we we’re tackling that time so I stick to what I remember – Romans 15: 13.

“You teach us here about following the word of god and we’ll be rewarded the gift of joy and something about prosperity, right?”I interrupted. “But what if you found your happiness –joy in another person? What if that person is the gift of god---to you—but you turn it down because it’s in the wrong packaging---wrong body? Wrong gender? Well, it’s not wrong. Why the hell am I using that word? Anyway, if you won’t accept a gift you think you deserve---that’s stupid right? You all are stupid!” By this time I drop the pretence of using the bible to defend what I’m saying. I pointed to everyone in the room while saying, “You! you! you! you! you! You all are stupid for not seeing the amazing person in Minseok.” I looked back at Minseok at this point and his eyes are blown up in shock again.

I stood up. “You!” I gestured harshly to the girl that started it all. I was determined to destroy her. “You’re like the women in that story. Those that are offered in replacement of the beautiful male angels but were rejected by the guys. You’re just jealous because girl, you are hideous! I’m not even talking about your face but your repulsive, rotting inside. You judgmental, bigoted, —“

The minister stopped me at this point, took him quite long. I must have shocked them to the bones. The minister was saying something but I was marvelling on the devastated by shame face of this girl that I-

Then Minseok grabbed me by the wrist and we ran out together. Actually he dragged me out because I was caught surprised by his strength and speed.

Out into the parking lot and the air getting cold as the sun set behind us, Minseok was huffing, one hand on his hip, the other hanging on his side. “I can’t—I can’t believe you,” he said.

I uh oh to myself. Of course Minseok was mad, he’s one inch short from being a saint. He probably wouldn’t appreciate me humiliating or bad-mouthing a criminal what more an innocent girl. Although I wouldn’t call that girl innocent – more like criminally stupid.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Minseok was saying and why the hell would I not. I have no other option. I would probably drop dead if I just sat there and take in the image of Minseok sinking into his seat.

“Minseok look here.”

“I don’t need you to save me okay.”

What?

Is that the reason why he’s mad. Because I stepped up for him?

“Well you certainly looked like you needed it back in there,” I said offensively because hey that hurt all right? When your goodwill is not appreciated.

“You’re wrong. I don’t. Maybe I’ve been right all this time---I don’t need someone like you in my life.”

I’ve been slapped across the face before and those words felt just like that and maybe even worse.

I felt like crying – mostly out of anger – for being betrayed. All those good times of hanging out, he’s secretly having double thoughts about being my friend. 

I stared at him, he’s looking not the least bit sorry for his words and my face feels thick with hurt and anger but I backed down. I stepped back. That’s when his face softened, his shoulders relaxed a little. He took a breath and what he exhaled was an apology.

That didn’t change anything. It didn’t make his words untrue. Nothing could change the fact that he, at some point in time and maybe until now, had that kind of doubts.

What weighed me the most is that he’s probably right. He didn’t need a friend like me. Why was I even hell-bent in being friends with him? I didn’t need a friend like him too.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated and when I looked over at him he looked genuinely sorry and he’s regarding me warily.

I was crying, that’s why, without realizing it. I rarely cry. I didn’t even cry when I was diagnosed. So it felt surprising but also nice, since it relieved the feeling of thickness in my face.

He hugged me and I quickly wrapped my arms around him too thinking that he would change his mind.

“What are we doing with each other Luhan?” he asked against my shoulder.

“Hugging,” I answered sarcastically even though I understood what he meant.

He hummed a response and the small sound vibrated through my body.

“We are saving each other. You will save my soul and I will save you from fashion disasters.”

He laughed lowly and a couple of people passed by and I could feel they were looking but I didn’t really care. That was a standing moment in time. Isolated from the rest of the world and from the effects of time. I temporarily forgot I was dying.

I smiled against his neck and that’s definitely no longer friendly. We were impossibly close. He was aware of that but gave me a while before pulling away. Maybe he was feeling the isolated moment too.

“I will save you from life and you will save me from death,” he whispered into the wind but he’s still close to me so I heard all of it. It sounded like a promise.

I was about to comment that he mixed it up since I was the one who needed saving from death but I remembered what he said about eyes and actual dying so I just said okay.

“Okay.”

It should have been a perfect time to tell him I’m gay too, he’s not alone, I understand him. But words felt unnecessary.

*

We both stopped attending bible class and continued with our friendship with the unspoken acknowledgement that we needed each other, in ways that didn’t need to be explained. Not that I can, really. But I was sure I was developing feelings for him, maybe I did from the very first time I saw him.

*

I kissed him for the first time while under the stars and lying on our backs on the hood of my car.

I wasn’t planning to do that when I read a recent entry in his blog on how he sometimes wish to drive in the middle of nowhere and just watch the stars so I went out of our door, into my car, and to their house to pick him up. With the haste of the dying. That’s one thing he can’t deny me. Time. Spending time with me.

So we were there and Minseok was all like “Luhan have you ever dreamed of being astronaut as a kid? Since every kid goes through that phase right?” I said no and he said, “How can you not? Don’t you think it’s amazing to be up there? As if --you’re mocking earth---that if things can’t work out down there, there’s still the space?”

He was looking up wistfully and that was when I saw it – the sadness of Kim Minseok. I was blown away—by how someone so lonely can be so beautiful.

That’s when I kissed him. I pushed myself by the elbows and leaned into him, just the press of lips against lips. When I pulled back, the stars were in his eyes and he just blinked back at me. I already knew right then I was in love but I didn’t tell him yet. It was only after 3 months since we met. He’ll think I was just in a hurry, running out of time. And to be honest I was afraid, that’s true.

I didn’t kiss him again just lied back down beside him—but a little closer. I was contented by the fact that I did that—kiss him. That I can. Just the thought that I can was enough.

We settled in silence as if to mean so there was that and then he smiled at me. My chest felt like they might burst and I found myself asking him of the things that keep him awake at night.

“I think about alternate universes,” he answered looking back at the sky this time. “I think about endless possibilities.”

That was not what I meant by my question, I wanted to know what weighs down a person like him. But I didn’t push it. For all I know, it did weigh him down. Possibilities can be a scary thing.

“What about you?” he asked.

I thought the many nights I lie awake at night, thinking of my promise to myself that I will not let the negative things affect me. I will not let my sickness be a part of my life but unconsciously it still does affect me and that no matter how I act otherwise, I will still have leukaemia. That thought sure keeps me awake.

But I didn’t tell him that.

Instead I said, “I think about the things I cannot have.”

“What things?”

“The future in general.”

I was looking ahead and he was looking at me, commanding me with his eyes to look back. I did after a while. “This was the future,” he said.

“What?”

“This moment, one second ago this was the future. But you’re here. You have it--what you said you cannot have seconds ago. You have it right now.”

He smiled at me as if to say checkmate.

“What are you trying to prove?” I said intending to be challenging but there was something sweet about it. He wasn’t proving me wrong, he was reassuring me.

“Okay fine, allow me to rephrase,” I said. “Maybe I believe that I have a future in there somewhere and I have accepted that it will come and end...soon. So I think about hoarding. Hoarding the future into the present so I will not really miss out on anything.”

“Hmm...You sounded like you were chasing the ending.”

He already knew at this point that I refused to receive medical treatment so I understood where he was coming from.

“Really man? I say something profound and you always have a comeback. Can’t you be like oh my gosh Luhan that’s genius.”

“But I didn’t say you are wrong. I was just offering what I think about it.”

He’s right of course but I was trying to get him fall over for me and it’s proving to be difficult. It’s hard to mesmerize someone well, intelligent.

“So...why are you chasing it? The ending?” he asked.

“So when it comes I’m ready.”

“O....kay,” he said but it felt like he doesn’t really agree. He looked like he was about to retort but what comes out of him is a question, “There’s a story behind this right?,” he motioned down the length of my body, “this guy who wants to befriend death.”

“You like that don’t you?”

“Huh?”

I remembered him saying that when he looks at people what he sees are stories. We are not made up of skin and bones and blood but thousands and thousands of stories. And the more story you have, the healthier you are in his eyes, the more alive you are. That is why, for him, I look so alive, so healthy.

“Stories,” I said and he looked away in understanding.

“Yes I like them, I feed on them you know. Because I don’t really have a lot of stories myself.”

Who among us is actually dying? - I remembered. It made sense now.

Minseok is a caged soul, as I’d like to put it. He’s studying in an all-boys Christian high school. He discovered and came to terms with his uality despite the environment that judges against it. Last year he had a stint with another boy that forced him out to the whole school. They became subject of gossip and bullying. The other guy dropped out, he didn’t.

I asked him why and he said that he was fighting a battle of being who he is against the world that tries the hardest to change him. If he can win there, he can win anywhere else.

He wasn’t winning, that I assumed. Because he was so goddamn nice, selfless, respectful and generally willing to sacrifice.

I wanted to set him free.

“Freedom,” I said to the stars after a while.

“What about it?” he asked also looking up.

“That’s the title of the story I’m about to tell.”

“Wow that was a very creative and unique title.”

“Okay what about The Day My Big Brother Died.”

“Wha—I—ah---thought you’re an only child?”

“I wasn’t always. I had a brother, he was my---idol. In the end he was.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. He---he died from the same disease I have 6 years ago. I was only 12 but old enough to promise myself that if the same situation happened to me I will not go the same way he did. He died fighting, my brother. That may be commendable and all except, it seemed to be all that he did in his life – fighting the sickness, dodging death. He was diagnosed when he was only 7 and he spent the next 9 years of his life coming in and out of the hospital. He was closer to the hospital nurses than he was to me. The treatment killed him. I don’t mean this as the treatment was fail or whatever. The treatment did kill his cancer cells along with his spirit. His main goal in life was to live longer and he told me---he regretted that.

One day I was pulled out from school to go to the hospital. I immediately knew something serious was going on even my classmates felt it, and the look on my teacher’s face was disheartening to the point of exasperating kind. I remembered being scared that someone will extend to me their condolences, and that I was thinking I will punch them if they did. I knew my brother was not dead yet.

My brother greeted me with his usual Yow yow kiddo. He looked awful but I’m used to it. He still had this energy and I thought if that was really the image of a dying person, then I’m practically witnessing a moment between life and death.

I asked him if he was dying and he laughed. I remember the sound, it was---like he was drowning, in his own laughter. It looked like it pained him to do it. He said, aren’t I dying all this time?

I realized why he asked mom to leave before talking to me; mom hated him saying those kinds of things.

Since when? I asked in return.

Then he said he started to slowly die when he started to fear death.

It didn’t make sense to me that time and all I can think of was he scared right that moment? I asked him and he said surprisingly he wasn’t.

And only in this moment I feel that I am very much alive. Because life is freedom. Those were his exact words. I memorized them because I was determined to understand what he meant when I grew older.

Then I asked him, So you feel free now? Wow I ask a lot of questions when I was a kid. Anyway, he said yes he feel free so that I should be happy for him, that I should not be sad that he died, because it is death that set him free. Growing up I always replay our last conversation in my head. And at some point I wish I asked him what he’s trying to be free from. And recently I think I found the answer to my own question.”

I sighed contently. I knew I was being vague but Minseok didn’t push for clarifications, he just remained silent, staring far ahead.

“And you know what, “I continued, “I love my brother for it, for telling me that. I feel like he let me in on some big life hack. It was probably a ed up thing to say to a kid, so I’m thankful that he told me anyway.”

Silence stretched but it wasn’t the heavy kind, it was the light and reassuring silence.

“Look at us,” Minseok said, hand stretching upwards as if reaching for the stars, “we are infecting the stars with our sadness.”

“We’re just creating more of our life stories,” I said although I wasn’t sure why I said that.

“Right. Do you think there’s someone out there---writing about two boys lying on their backs at the hood of a car parked in the middle of nowhere and watching the stars weep, hoping for some cosmic assurance that their stories are in fact being written.”

I laughed at how he ended full-circle and he joined me along.

“You know what’s beautiful,” I said looking over at him, just him, the vastness of the sky forgotten, “that since the day we met, I became a character of your story and you in mine.”

He looked back at me quickly before saying, “I don’t put it that way. I think of it as we are two characters from one story.”

“Oh yeah, I like the sound of that more,” I said.

Our story

I smiled and he asked me what’s funny.

“Our story,” I answered.

“You think our story is funny?” he asked in disbelief.

That was not what I meant but I said “Why not?”

“Why not,” he agreed. 

*

Minseok and I wove our story together impossibly fast, more because I dragged him into my life but he was letting me.

“Luhan what are you doing?” Junmyeon asked me during a friend’s party.

“Whatever do you mean?”

“I mean look at this people around you, your friends – a cornucopia of jerks and s, and yeah you and I are included in that, so I’m questioning your motives with someone like Minseok.”

“And by someone like him you mean?”

Joonmyun rolls his eyes, “Someone who is not an and a jerk?”

“Not yet at least.” I said but I really have only good intentions. I brought Minseok to every party there was from my high-school friends and even not friends, intending for him to have fun and loosen up.

s and jerks are exactly what he needed in his life, the kind that dared him to make-out with me while they were taking videos, the kind that dared him even to kiss some other girl but of course with my power, that didn’t happen, also the kind that gushes you guys are the cutest hottest couple ever. So maybe I was enjoying myself more because that was more my thing but he said he’s having fun when I’m having fun. And I really cannot see anything wrong in this equation.

“So your plan is to corrupt him?” Joonmyeon asked.

“No. My plan is to save him.” I said, I can tell Joonmyeon of the truth of how I really love Minseok but I don’t vocalize stuff like that, heck I haven’t even told Minseok yet so I just said, “I will teach him how to have fun and how to live.”

“That’s pretty ing ironic considering you’re the one who’s dying.”

I was caught off guard, and by the look on his face, Joonmyeon was too. He had been good at pretending that everything is fine, he was the only one after all who I’ve told of my condition. He was my bestfriend.

He started apologizing and blaming the beer but when I assured him it was fine, he said, “It’s just that---you’re changing. Did you realize? And everyone does when they’re sick you know, they become---nicer. And I guess I was just reminded or —reality just started sinking in....”

I felt a little guilty for making Joonmyeon bear this alone. I made him promise not to tell anyone else of my condition because I didn’t want to be treated differently. He doesn’t have anyone to worry with but hey he had Minseok now.

“But I’m happy and that’s what matters right? No matter of how long it will last,” I told him.

“Yeah that’s—yeah you look happy with him. I guess what really worries me is that—what if he figures out what big of a jerk you are and ends up breaking your heart?” He teased.

“Excuse me. He won’t. I’m quite a catch you know.”

He loved me. Minseok haven’t said it yet either, but it sure felt that way.

“But why is he hitting it up with Minri?” Joonmyeon asked, and I’m just glad the dramatic moment was over because he’s back at being a pain in the . He quirked his eyebrow towards two figures talking and yeah it was Minseok and Minri, the clichéd high-school queen bee, who I happen to really hate because she gets all the guys I was crushing on during my oh yeah I think I really like boys stage. I don’t remember introducing Minseok to her.

Joonmyeon laughed at me when I sauntered between the two to snatch away Minseok and bring him to our small huddle at the corner of the front yard. Joonmyeon was chatting him up but Minseok was still looking over at Minri and what the  so I said, “Are you seriously checking someone out while I’m here?”

He looked at me confused, oblivious to my crisis. “No, I--I was thinking...doesn’t she feel cold wearing that?Should I have offered my jacket? I feel bad now for not offering. Let me just go and offer – “

“Whoa Minseok wait,” I stopped him by the arm and pulled him back down beside me. “Believe me she’ll take it the wrong way if you do that.”

He looked at me suspiciously, unimpressed by my understanding of the working of a girl’s mind but Joonmyeon nodded at him, backing me up, so he agreed.

*

Minseok’s mom. That in itself deserved a chapter in our story. She obviously still can’t accept Minseok’s uality what more the fact that he’s dating another boy.

Minseok did introduce me to her though, as a friend. But I guess two good-looking guys hanging out together all the time already paints a different image or my affection just really pours out of my eyes, either way his Mom suspected us and confronted Minseok about it.

Minseok came to me one day, with tears threatening to spill from the edges of his eyes. He denied me to his mom. He insisted to her I was just a friend. He said it’s one thing keeping me a secret but outright denying me is another. He felt guilty about it. But I didn’t really care. Of course it because he felt bad about how he had to lie to his own mother but as far as my own feeling is concerned, I was okay. Minseok was the only one that his mother had and while Minseok doesn’t believe and follow all the things that the bible and his church preached, he will not defy and disappoint his mother. He’s selfless like that. He said if he had to live his life for the purpose of making his mom happy, he will. I was about to passionately protest but I just settled for appreciating the kind of person Minseok was.

*

The seasons had change twice when a week came when Minseok had been cancelling on me a lot and while I was usually the one who calls whenever we can’t meet up, I expected him to call since he’s the one who owed me, but he didn’t.

By the end of the week, I was sure something was wrong. I was at a friend’s house for the usual full-swing high-school parties and I only sent Minseok a message of where I was not really.

After two hours of waiting and being the sour grape in the party, I almost just  it all, and just messaged him to come an explicitly state my distress but then Kyungsoo peeked into the kitchen telling me Minseok was there.

“Hey you,” Minseok said coming behind Kyungsoo who walked away after taking a look at the two of us.

I said hey back then Minseok come forward to kiss me. I was slightly suspicious of the gesture because I was usually the one to initiate things and him doing it kinda felt like he’s really making up for something.

He was already holding a beer and I have a cup on the kitchen counter. We sit beside each other, him apologizing again for being scarce – he was just really busy with school. I softly brushed off the apology. Then we settled in silence, occasionally sipping our drink, the blast of music from the living room muffled lightly by the kitchen walls.

We never had a real fight before, we had a lot of bickering with mostly him shooting down my wonderful ideas, but never a real fight.

My heart was drumming in time with the up tempo music creeping on the kitchen.

“Minseok do you have a problem?” I asked. “Do we have a problem?”

“No----just,” he seemed on the defensive on the beginning but he dropped the stance, and in a softer voice said, “Come here.”

He tugged on my arm and I let him pull me over and place me on his lap. I was about to smile but I remembered I was supposed to be pissed. But how can I be when everything seemed right in the world, no everything was amazing since Minseok who wasn’t a fan of touching was touching me all over, my hips, my thighs, my back and softly kissing me down my neck while booze sit in front of us and a party going on around. Everything was as high-school as supposed to be. I was thinking – Minseok, he must have missed me.

My arm was around his shoulder the entire time, I pulled it back to hold his face up and kiss him quick then I turned away, signalling him to start the real talk of why he’s acting guilty and weird.

“You’re mom talked to me,” he said against my back.

I didn’t expect that.

I hummed around his drink, since mine ran out, for him to continue.

“She commented on how I became a constant figure in your life and that I probably, at this point, have more influence on you than she does. So---she asked me to----convince you.”

“Convince me?” I asked although I knew what he meant.

“To take the treatment.”

We stayed in another bout of silence for a while. He’s holding me close, palm over my stomach and fingers rubbing soothing circles, his lips unmoving against my shoulder. The party went on around us, without us. It’s not as if I needed medication right away. But I stopped attending regular check-ups that would determine when I would need it because what’s the point.

“What did you say?” I finally asked staring at the condensation on the bottle of beer in my hand.

“That I know of the reason behind your decisions and that I respected it.”

“Okay,” I said, feeling a sense of relief from that. I don’t know how it would have affected us if he agreed to my mom. He’s always been on my side and I don’t even want o imagine him against me.

“How’d she take it?” I asked.

“She’s...disappointed. She said there’s really nothing that could compare to the love of a mother to a child.”

I felt a little guilty with that and I know Minseok did too.

“But she said she believes in me,” he continued. “She believes that I really love you.”

I looked back finally at him and he had this small embarrassed smile.

“Do you?” I asked, intending to be teasing but to my ears it came out more asking for reassurance.

“I love you,” he said and it wasn’t meant to be reassuring just as if he was confessing that he needed to tell me more than I needed to hear it.

“Okay,” I managed to croak out, fully intending not to cry.

Minseok seemed to understand what I was feeling, he always did, and he started rubbing up and down my back while smiling up at me with the same bashfulness but now with a hint of amusement and teasing.

I loved him. It was just so amazing he loved me back. Really, to have someone you love to love you too, wasn’t that miracle already? It certainly wasn’t my first time with anyone where my affection was returned but there was something huge about this, about Minseok. Maybe it’s because he already knew I was a ticking time bomb, but he loved me anyway. Minseok was probably the bravest person I know because of that.

“But I felt guilty,” he said and I put my arm around his shoulder again, “so I thought I’d give you more time with your mom and made myself scarce for a week.”

“You thought I spend time with mom when not with you? All I did was either whine to Junmyeon or Kyungsoo that you were avoiding me or lock myself in my room staring at my phone waiting for you to call.”

“Well, yeah I imagined that but maybe I was just scared of your mom too.”

“And here I was thinking you were so brave. So what does this mean, you won’t come over when mom is at home?”

“Preferably your dad too. But you know my obsession about mothers. I think they are one of the best, most amazing people in the world. They make the world go round honestly.”

“Isn’t that love’s job?”

“Exactly. The love of a mother.”

He started shifting my weight, I might have been cutting the circulation around his thigh so I went ahead and threw my leg over and straddle him on the chair.

“So,” I said, my face a breath away from his, “since you’ll only come over without the parents, will you stay with me this weekend while my parents go to my aunt’s wedding in Beijing?”

“Is that serious?”

“The wedding? I hope yes, imagine my parents going into a faux weddi---ow.”

He pinched me on the side and I pressed down on him in retaliation just when Seohyun came in going guysover the scene she arrived to.

We stilled and act as innocent as we can given the position while Seohyun walks into the fridge and took out three toothbrushes. We didn’t bother asking what in the hell are those toothbrush doing in the fridge, just followed her movements out the kitchen.

I looked at Minseok with questioning eyes and he mirrored my expression.

“I’ll ignore it if you will.”

“Deal.”

“So, yes on staying with me this weekend?”

“I can imagine you’re mom will be thrilled.”

The kitchen light was kind of unflattering. I can see the blemishes on Minseok’s face which I traced with my fingers. He looked perfect even with them.

“Don’t be silly. They actually want it if someone could watch over me while they’re gone.”

“You’re inviting me to watch over you?”

“We can do a lot of things aside from that if you want.”

“Well I can only imagine my mom will be thrilled by that.”

I let my head fall against him. “Oh mothers,” I groaned against his shoulder. “But you’ll definitely convince her?”

“If I have to convert her into a protestant, I will.”

“Oh, are Protestants for the gays?”

“Uh, it’s just an expression I made up really.”

*

Everything was how it’s supposed to be, it felt that time. I watched the party go around me, and hear the laugh of my friends, the sound of youthful joy, the sound of Minseok whispering something ridiculous to me from time to time. Mostly, I just watched them move around me. I was contented like that and I thought, what is so wrong to ask for more simple moments like this? It wasn’t too much to ask for.

It wasn’t, I repeated as the floor began to turn rubbery beneath my feet and I was falling sideways.

I heard him say my name, sounding from afar, but I knew he’s near and just as I thought I’d hit the ground, his arms are around me. He took one, two staggered steps before I felt everything still. There was a buzzing in my ears and I was being pulled away into unconsciousness. It was all familiar but stronger this time – the pull, the buzz. And then all at once, it’s gone. I was back and the first thing I realized is my shallow breath and the smell of Minseok’s shirt.

“What detergent does your mom use?” I ask weakly and his arms around me loosened a little so he can look in my face.

I didn’t know what he saw, but all I can focus on was the concern in his eyes but he managed to let out a nervous chuckle.

Staying upright became a struggle and he moved me to sit on the couch. Suddenly my friends are moving around me for a different reason. The sound of laughter turned into concern.

Just when I thought everything was how it’s supposed to be, I was hit with a mocking reminder that it wasn’t.

*We never talked about that little incident again and by the end of the new week I have Minseok at our doorstep who was glaring at me because I lied to him about my parents being gone already.

So there he was squirming under my parents’ last minute reminders before leaving and neck getting really red because I was shamelessly snuggling him from behind.

“So I assume your mom is aware of where you’ll be staying this weekend?” My dad asked him.

“Yes sir.”

“His mom is a Protestant now,” I said against Minseok’s ear and he elbowed me.

When it’s finally time for the parents to leave, Mom kissed me on the cheek and then she turned and kissed Minseok too.

“See, my mom loves you,” I said while we watch my dad’s car disappear down the road.

“I know, and that’s what makes it worse. Hey! Don’t think I’ve already forgiven you for lying to me. You’re going to pay for that.”

“Okay,” I laughed against his lips.

*

Minseok and I, we’ve done a lot of inappropriate groping and a lot of kissing but we haven’t done anything past that. Not for lack of trying from my part.

The first time, we were in his car and he was going to drop me home and I just can’t get enough of the goodnight kiss that I found myself ing his pants. He stopped me ofcourse because well, we were in his car and maybe I had some to drink that night.

I was kind of jealous at this point because he wasn’t the subject of his school’s gossip and bullying just because he was caught like holding hands with another guy in the locker room. They were doing so much more, he told me himself. So I really can’t understand why he didn’t want it with me, in the safety of his car, my car, his room (when his mom is gone of course), my room, I tried in all of there.

I was going to try again tonight, I was sure of it.

*

We were on the couch, a movie playing forgotten on the TV, he was on top of me and kissing me and I had my hands under his shirt. He pulled away a little when I said, “I want you,” and he dived back down again to kiss me. I thought that was a good sign.

But when he pulled away, what he said was, “I was thinking I want to wait till marriage.”

I stared at him, trying to detect bull in his eyes because he did it a lot with me. He looked completely serious.

“But I can’t wait that long,” I said then his face brighten up into one his triumphant smile that got me thinking uh oh what did I say?

“Did I say I was going to marry you?” he asked.

He’s so mean to me.

“Uhhhh.......Why are you so mean to me?”

He actually laughed on my face saying because of how I react cute to it.

“But seriously you don’t mind doing it in the dirt of a locker room but you don’t want in the safe haven that is my room?

He sat up and I instantly miss the press of his body against mine. “That’s what got me to realize things,” he said. “It was only the desire of the bones, it was shallow, worldly. I will only respond to the desire of the heart.”

“O...kay? But I’m pretty sure my heart desires you right now.”

He laughed and stood up bringing me up with him, “Believe me it doesn’t.”

“How can you know?”

But all arguments were drowned by dinner. My mom cooked food that was supposed to last for the whole weekend but we almost finished them in one night. We stayed up all night, just talking, trying to fight off sleep because we might not woke up again due to over-eating.

*

“I don’t think that is a good idea,” Minseok said Saturday morning when we had Junmyeon, Kyungsoo and Jongin over and Jongin suggested we hold a pool party because hyung, you house has one of the nicest pool in this pathetic stretch of suburban subdivision, you can hold the coolest party that our high-school will come to know.

I was behind the whole party idea but Minseok wasn’t.

“I’ve seen enough of you guys’ parties to know it’s gonna be a rager and destroy the lawn. Have you seen your mom’s lawn Luhan? It’s so pretty. I’m telling you, you’re mom is really gonna hate me this time.”

“What are you talking about hyung? Jongin asked. “You are like the type of pretty clean-cut boy, all around gentleman that every girl is confident to bring home to their parents.”

“Except I’m not a girl of course,” I interrupted.

“Every mother adores you hyung. Even my mom, she’ll toss me any day for a chance to adopt you.”

“Exactly!”

Jongin looked at me not liking the passionate affirmation then turned back to Minseok, “You are the best guy that could get away with something like this so we need you on our side.”

“It will be fun,” I said wrapping my arms around Minseok and Jongin clear out with a groan. On the background, Junmyeon and Kyungsoo are already making calls, inviting people. “You can invite your friends too? It’s going to be our party.”

“Okay, okay,” he said finally seeing the light. “I should invite Jaejae.”

I disentangle myself from him and fix him my you got to be joking look. Jaejae is his locker room buddy whose name I’ve been refusing to mention because I hate that Minseok has a nickname for him. Minseok never lost in touch with him, telling him everything will get better and all that basic sweet and nice stuff Minseok does.

“It would do great for him,” he shrugged. “I’ve always wanted to show him how things worked out for me and it can for him too. He retracted back to his shell after the incident-“

“You mean back in the closet?”

“I mean it Luhan, I want to help him.”

“Why do you have to be so nice and sweet?”

“Besides, I’m not even sure he’ll come. I just want him to feel you know---invited.”

I looked at him and I swear a halo will sprout out of his head anytime.

I had this bizarre theory that Minseok is an angel sent for me. My guardian angel. He’s just so unbelievably nice sometimes, not to mention his face is too pretty to be mere human. I could imagine he’s one of these people that just stay in the background watching other people live their lives and wishing the best for them. Smiling when they smile, laughing when they do, crying when they do but never really actively participate. Someone who fleet in and out of as many lives they can affect but not settling for anyone. I was so glad Minseok did for me. If he’s really a guardian angel, I have to thank the stars that he’s assigned to me. Out of the many other people, he can help and he can love, he’s in my life.

“I love you,” I said right there in the backyard, the morning sun so bright and magnified by the water in the swimming pool that reflected it an almost blinding glare that made Minseok glow.

“You’re an idiot,” he said.

*

The party was really the biggest and coolest we’ve ever seen, the kind that really destroyed my mom’s lawn but I was so happy that I didn’t care not even Minseok did. A lot of people came from Minseok’s high-school. I didn’t expect that. Even some people from our bible study long ago. It’s just impossible for Minseok to have an enemy. I told him he should run for presidency but he just told me I’m already drunk.

Jaejae didn’t come but Minseok did not seem to notice, only I did but I didn’t remind him.

*

I was sure I wasn’t drunk yet and I was sure I wasn’t imagining it. There really was a slide in our pool.

“Minseok there’s a slide in the pool.”

“Cool,” Minseok said too engrossed in watching Junmyeon embarrass himself in the karaoke.

“Minseok, we don’t own a slide.”

“Even cooler, free slide.”

“But—what if someone gets an accident and die?”

“No one will die Luhan.”

“Minseok, the slide is like six feet high.”

“Don’t mind him hyung,” Sehun said from beside Minseok while videotaping his older brother take off his shirt and yodel. “Luhan hyung is just afraid of heights.”

That actually got Minseok to mind me. “You are?” he asked.

“Nope,” I said and tried to walk casually away but Minseok held me by the wrist.

“I never knew,” he said.

“That’s because it’s not true.”

And then Sehun was whispering something to Minseok and suddenly I was being dragged to the pool, Sehun following us with his camera.

No no no no, this wasn’t happening – I thought. Minseok will not betray me like that. But Minseok was stripping down to his suit prepared for the pool and I was not able to focus on anything else. And then his climbing up the slide and I barely had a second to worry for his life before he’s sliding head-first into the pool much to the cheering of people around and then their cheer becomes a chant of my name.

“No no no no,” I said adamantly but Jongin and Tao are on either side of me, these traitors, ushering me up the slide that I’m sure will kill me earlier than leukaemia.

I never for the life of me fathom how my life led to this, on top of a deadly slide, with my friends cheering for me and I was sure Sehun was videotaping, while Minseok was below the pool saying things like, “Lu Han come on down. Come on! Come on down Lu Han before I push you! Okay sorry baby I won’t, just come down. I’ll catch you.”

They don’t understand, when I was a kid I witnessed another kid flung out of the slide and into the stone pavement. I heard the crack and that’s all I remember before fainting. This wasn’t a game to me.

I might have cursed harshly at all of them.

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. But Minseok was right below cheering with everyone else.

where did my fearless chasing the ending went? – I thought as I slid down with a scream.

It happened so fast then it’s over.

I hit the water with my mouth still open so I came back up sputtering but hey I didn’t die and everyone applauded me for the fact and then Minseok emerged in front of me with this smile that could have been annoying If I didn’t love him. I was still coughing, he waited for me to stop before cupping the back of my neck and kiss me.

The surroundings went gagging or hooting or whistling but I didn’t hear very much, I was focused on the feeling of Minseok’s bare skin under my fingers, the water making everything felt like tingling. We broke apart and I noticed Sehun was still taping so I waved and stuck my tongue out. I should remember to ask him a copy of that.

*

Time flowed like water, at one point it was 11 in the evening then next thing I knew it was 2 in the morning and Junmyeon was telling me, “Luhan, your boyfriend is drunk out of his mind.”

“What? Minseok?”

Junmyeon looked at me, judging my level of sobriety. “Don’t tell me you have another boyfriend.”

Looking at his face, Junmyeon was the one drunk. Minseok has always been the responsible one, great at exercising control, stopping himself in time before getting drunk.

“I’m sure he’s drunk dude cos he tried to kiss Seohyun and call her Cameron Diaz.”

“What?!” I bolted up and knock over Junmyeon.



Turned out it was true. Minseok was so out of it. I had to practically drag him to bed while he told me about Cameron Diaz.

“Cameron Diaz the actress?” I asked.

“Of course you idiot. Is there any other Cameron Diaz in the world? I wanted to marry her when I was a kid.”

“When you were a kid? Who do you want to marry now?” I asked while struggling to pull him up the stairs.

“I don’t know. Maybe Lu han.”

I smiled and accidentally hit Minseok’s head on the wall but he didn’t seem to feel it. It was stupid, it was just a drunken statement and obviously Minseok was bound to say me, it wasn’t like he’s dating someone else but I couldn’t stop grinning.

“Here you go champ,” I said dropping him to bed but he pulled me with him. With the darkness of the room I wasn’t able to asses where I landed until I felt Minseok shift beneath me so we’re pressed against each other.

“Lu Han,” he said and I was about to ask how he knew it was me when I felt his hands moving to places they won’t if he’s sober.

“Lu Han, I feel so hot,” he said pulling me closer to him. “Touch me.”

“Whoa Minseok,” I said pulling my hands as if electrocuted.

He’s a drunk. That is not good. On some situations it might me, but mostly not good.

“It’s so hot, touch me,” he grumbled.

“Trust me babe you don’t want me doing that.”

“But it’s so hot,” he said while clumsily tugging on random corners of his clothes. I sat up to help him strip and by the time I was done, he’s already asleep.

I breathed a sigh of relief because I wasn’t sure what I could have done if he insisted. After fixing him under the blanket, I went downstairs to check the damage of the party.

It wasn’t so bad or so I hoped, i cannot properly asses given my state.

I locked the front door. Only the closest friends remained at this point. “Did you all hear the sound of that?” I screamed to the house. “That’s me locking the front door and obliging all of you to stay over and help me clean the house in the morni-“

“Hyung,” Sehun said slinging an arm around my shoulder. He’s going away to the land of the drunken too. “Hyung help me.”

“With what?” I whispered because he was whispering.

“I think I’m gay and in love with Tao.”

I turned to look at his drooping eyes. Those breaking news aren’t really news to me but I still wasn’t sure why Sehun is asking for my help.

“Because hyung, you are the one in a loving gay relationship.”

It’s true I was. I thought for a second if Minseok and I was the power couple now that everyone envies and secretly hate for being too perfect. I liked that thought. I liked it so much that I had this stupid grin on my face.

“Why are you laughing?” Sehun asked annoyed.

“I wasn’t. Listen what you have to do is to talk to Tao and tell him what you told me.”

He looked at me with confused eyes and then it turned to that of sinking realization like he can’t believe he hadn’t thought of that.

“You’re right. Oh my god I’m so stupid.”

“Yes yes you are,” I said and watch Sehun sway away probably to find Tao and when he’s far enough I took a turn and looked for Junmyeon.

I found him on the couch.

“You’re little brother is gay,” I announced while plopping down next to him.

“What?”

I was pretty good at keeping secrets but not from my bestfriend especially if it’s about my bestfriend’s brother.

“Sehun?” he asked and I rolled my eyes.

“Why do you have another brother? He said he’s in love with Tao.”

“What?” he said again this time standing up and about to bolt but his shoulders relaxed and he looked down at me. “Well Tao is a nice kid.”

“Yes he is and with a bicep that should not be there yet at a 16 year old.”

He sat back beside me and heaved a sigh, the shock of my news seemed to have sober him up.

“What?” I asked when he looked at me as if seeing me for the first time.

“It seems, you’re not the only one changing, also the people around you. Me. I learned that life-----“

“Is too short? To live everyday as if it’s your last?”

“That life is really about love you know? That when it’s nearing the end, it’s what that matters, it’s what you’ll look for. It’s what will keep life worth living.”

We stayed silent and I felt like Junmyeon is falling asleep, maybe I was too or the heaviness of my eyelids come from something else.

“When it’s nearing the end,” I repeated.

“I didn’t mean,” he mumbled. “I just—I watch our friends worry about school, assignments, exams, graduation, college application and I look at you and all that worries shrink to an embarrassing piece of naivety and teenage anxiety. It’s as if we are mindlessly following the system while you are uncovering the secret of the universe. I don’t even know what I’m saying but I just---I love you man,” he said and surprised me by throwing an arm around me, “I’m trying to be happy for you, knowing that you get to know these secrets, but I’m still sad over the circumstance that forced you to discover it. Sometimes I miss the Luhan that just whine with us about the assignments our teachers dump on us because I know your bearing something light, maybe inconsequential, but still light. It felt like you matured so much faster than us, than me, and you’re leaving us behind.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Joonie,” I said trying to ease the tightening in my throat. “I’m not going anywhere, just here, as immature and stupid as ever.”

Junmyeon pulled away and took in a deep breath as if he’s breathing back a pain in his chest, and breathing back tears. I knew that feeling very well.

“Don’t mind me, alcohol makes me sentimental. And I just found out my little brother is in love. How dare he get there before me? Wait is that them in the backyard? I’m gonna go and check up on them.”

I didn’t try and stop him, just watch him walk off and after a while I went upstairs to Minseok.

I found him sweating so hard. I shouldn’t have put him under the blanket. Ooops. But all in all, everything was fine. Considering.

*

It took all morning, and a lot of coercion, to put the trashed house back into order. Somewhere in there Sehun complained why Minseok wasn’t helping and I just said my prince was still sleeping to which he whined like a brat and I fixed him my knowing look that got the colour draining from his face. Apparently, Tao can’t remember anything that happened between 2 to 3 in the morning and the now sober Sehun had no more courage to repeat them.

After Junmyeon, Sehun, Tao, Jongin and Kyungsoo split around noon and when I was making myself lunch and Minseok, breakfast at 1 in the afternoon, the prince finally woke up.

I was smiling at the stove, hearing Minseok grumble and blindly his way to the kitchen. He walked over to me and had his arm around my waist and head resting on my back. He still has the warmth of sleep.

“If I lie down, the pressure on my head gathers on the back and when I’m upright it gathers on the front and I can’t decide which is more painful,” he mumbled against the back of my shirt.

“Congrats on the first-ever hangover, we should celebrate.”

“Hopefully not with alcohol though. Coffee,” he said simply before padding over the coffee maker to make himself some. He already knew his way around the house and I enjoyed the concept very much but I can’t pinpoint why.

We were eating breakfast/lunch on the counter, with him unnecessary close for eating to be unhindered, we abandoned our own plates and moved on to eat directly from the pan, I had one arm on his back and the other one kept on brushing with his when we dive for the pan at the same time. I was picking on and eating the rice that falls out of his chopsticks sometimes out of his mouth that landed back on the pan. It was so intimate and I understood the feeling I had earlier. It felt like—

“It feels like we’re married,” he said turning slightly so our eyes met. “I meant not always, just right now, at times like this.” He turned to look back down, from the angle I can only see his lips moving. “It doesn’t feel like we’re just high-school students trying something, practicing something that is meant for real life, for the real world after school. This feels like the real world. Don’t you?” he asked turning abruptly to me that I inched back a little in surprise.

His eyes were a little red also his nose, and lips, his sniffing a little and his hair was still a mess from sleep, hangover was bruising the circle around his eyes and there’s a long mark running down his cheek that he probably got from sleeping against the edge of my blanket. To see him like this, he’s not just the person you see and randomly think what’s the story behind the redness of his eyes? his nose? his baggy eyes? the mark on his cheek. With Minseok I knew all of that, I knew the shirt he’s wearing was mine, I knew the socks he’s wearing is his favourite. I knew his story so much that it feels like he’s mine.

“Don’t you...feel the same?” he asked again.

“I do.”

He smiled at the words then went back to eating. I cannot afford to not think like that. I live for the thought that what I have with him is the real thing, that I’m not missing anything else. That the whole world is him. He is enough that by the time I die, I would have nothing more to ask for.

*

His hangover overtook the remainder of our afternoon. The slide was miraculously gone but there was a hot pink raft left on the water.

He was on the raft, floating on the water, his bare pale chest glistening under the low sun, he’s probably sleeping behind my sunglasses and his hair was pushed back from his face by the dampness that made his hair look darker. I just watched him floating around, thinking how his moss colored sweater seemed ages ago compared to this rockstar hotness.

I thought, was my job done here? Did I save him? Was he happy? Was he free?

Minseok jerked on the raft that I thought he’ll turn over.

“Holy ,” he said as if woken from a bad dream.

I was worried but more amused on his cursing, he rarely did it.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I remembered,” he said lifting the sunglasses to rest at the top of his head, I was reminded how huge his eyes can go. “Last night, did I try to kiss Seohyun?”

“Uhhh..” I wasn’t really sure it should be a big deal so I approached the subject lightly. “Yup you actually did.”

“Oh man, I should call her and apologize,” he said rubbing at his eyes.

“Nah, she liked it. She’s only upset that I came and stopped it from actually happening.”

“And did I---like kinda threw myself at you?”

“Yeah...you kinda did.”

“Oh man, I’m sorry.”

“Are you kidding? It’s not possible for me to feel ually harassed if the perpetrator is you.”

By that time I was standing in front of him, blocking the sun and casting shadow over him.

“You’re gross. To be honest I don’t get what the point is.”

“With what?” I asked.

“.”

I almost choked at that because he couldn’t possibly be serious.

“You don’t – you don’t get what the point is. If you really don’t know----I can show you, and make you feel what the point is.”

He looked at me admonishingly through his lashes, “I didn’t mean .”

“What else could you possibly mean?”

“Like making love?”

All my casual comfort at the topic of went down the drain with that and I was suddenly aware of the sound of the wind and the water and how I would miss how our pool looked with Minseok floating on it.

“Come here,” he motioned to me after the silence.

“On the raft? You think it can take us both?”

“I saw it carrying three people last night,” he said while waddling his hand so the raft will go to the edge.

After a lot of cursing from me, I didn’t want to get wet, I settled beside him and we’re pressed on each other’ side. I sighed in relief and he s his arm beneath my head to pull me close to him. He was silent and seemed to be making his point just but holding me so I didn’t say anything just snuggled his neck and ran my hand on his bare side. The water was swaying us to the sound of suburban afternoon.

Minseok felt cooler, as if his skin absorbed the temperature of the air.

I wondered if it’s possible to feel love, really feel its motion as if it’s as concrete and measurable as speed, velocity and force. It’s also usual to hear things like love as big as the mountain or others that suggest size but I like the idea of force more.

Force - something that starts a wave of motion. Maybe what we had right there in the raft in the middle of the pool will manage to have an effect to the world even long after I was gone or we’re both gone. Or maybe I was just being stupid and hoping that even after I die, Minseok would still feel that I love him, for as long as he lived.

“See?” he asked.

“What am I supposed to see?”
“Or maybe feel. Feel that,” he said, voice just above my ear and a little raspy, dreamy. “Just like this I can make love to you. I can make love to you just by making our breaths and our heartbeats in sync, and listening, getting familiar to the way it happens; by making the temperature of ours skin meet halfway until your skin feels like mine and mine feels like yours; by forgetting where your body ends and where mine starts, we are one just by our joined hands, we are one when your lips meet mine, we are one when you look at me and tell me you love me, I can make love to you with my eyes when I tell you I love you back, I can make love to you with words and promises. I can make love to you by promising I will love you forever.”

He stopped and we’re left with the sound of the water, moving, with the wind, moving the raft. A lullaby. I didn’t make a sound and he didn’t move. He didn’t move when he felt my tears falling at his shoulder, he didn’t move when I raked my hand on his back to pull him closer, he didn’t flinch at the feeling of my fingernails trying to get a hold on his skin. I needed a desperate reminder that the moment is real, Minseok is real, and I had him. It was all too good to be true. Just when I was thinking of forever, he promised it to me.

And I knew it was being selfish of me to let him do that, I was being selfish from the start. But that was not a time for fears and uncertainty. It would take courage to create a promise, even more to accept it. Minseok did his part so I did mine. Even for just a moment I believed in a future with him.

*

If only I could trap myself between these days of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

*

It was Wednesday just as normal as any other day can be. The school was buzzing with the activities that accompanied the coming of summer, the coming of graduation. And then there was that buzzing in my ears again and I fainted in the middle of the hallway, the feeling of the cold floor was the last thing I felt.

I woke up on the hospital and I thought this is it. Hospital beds, there is something I really hate about them. I stayed for three days,the doctors running and rerunning tests. I turned my phone off and cut myself from the outside world pretending the four corners of the hospital didn’t really exist. Luhan wasn’t in the hospital, he was in school, copying his friends assignments, and cramming for final exams, who meets Minseok after and they would talk about the stars and universes and other things that didn’t include worldly worries.

Mom didn’t cry when the doctor announced the inevitable – I had to start the treatment or else it will become too late. Too late for what? I thought.

I felt robbed by these three days. Days spent it the hospital felt wasted.

I didn’t call Minseok. Not once. And I asked mom not to let him see me. Him looking down at me lying down on that hospital bed is an image I never wanted to become real. I didn’t want our story to become the angel watching over the dying. Minseok already saved me. It was done.

*

Saturday afternoon, I went to their house not knowing why. It was like I was on autopilot to come to him, eventually, in the end, come to him. His mom opened to door for me and only then I remembered that she didn’t approve of me. It didn’t weigh me down, not when I already had the world against me and trying to get rid of me early. But she welcomed me in and told me Minseok was in the backyard and I smiled to her in return.

He had his back on me and watering his mother plants. It made sense now why he’s overprotective of my mom’s lawn and I remembered how we helped his neighbour in her garden weeding. It all fit.

He’s a nurturer. Minseok.

He knew I was there but waited for me to speak.

“I’m sorry,” I said. It was the only words that felt appropriate. “Are you mad? Minseok?”

There was silence before he spoke and when he did, it was stiff, so unlike him that it made me wince.

“You were in the hospital, I didn’t know, you didn’t tell me, you’re phone was off, I had to go to your empty house, I had to call Junmyeon, I had to go to the hospital for your mom to tell me you didn’t want to see me, what do you think I was supposed to feel?”

“I’m sorry.”

“No you didn’t answer my question.” He threw away the watering can and I watched it land on the grass and spill its remaining contents.

“Did you think I was mad?” he continued. “No. I was worried and hurt and I thought you are really really an idiot. Why wouldn’t you want me in this part of your life? What do you think I was here for? Only for the days you feel well? On the days you don’t, where would I be? Waiting for you to come?”

“I don’t---you shouldn’t---I don’t want you to wait.”

“Well of course you don’t! Because it would be easier for you right? Thinking you will not owe me anything by not making me commit but guess what Lu Han, I already did. But it seemed you didn’t. I might have let you...hoard the future in the present but that didn’t mean I don’t imagine us going away to college together, that I don’t imagine us five years, ten years in the future. You might not believe you’ll get better, but I do!”

I stopped myself from screaming in frustration but I can’t stop the angry, frustrated tears running down my face. We can’t afford to think like that. It was painful to imagine that and even more painful when it didn’t happen. I didn’t want that for him.

As if reading my mind, he said in a softer voice, “Don’t try and take the easy way out. There’s no easy way. It’s going to hurt any other way that’s why I only think of happy ending.”

“I don’t want a reason to be scared to die.” I said through my teeth.

“There’s nothing wrong with being scared. I am too. But do you know what I fight it with? Hope.”

I did groan in frustration this time and wiped harshly at my face. Hope. It felt like a last resort. It felt like it’s really the end. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to do and feel a lot of things but the burn in my chest could only be anger. I was angry at the world who gave me someone who wanted me to believe in hope just in the time of my life when I was ready to let it go. When I start to hold on again only to finally fall then that’s the biggest cruelty the world could have done to me. I started to question why? Why did they give Minseok to me? Then I started to wish they didn’t at all. Minseok was the biggest mockery of my life.

“I don’t want to die feeling how hope failed me,” I told him feeling more defiance than anger.

“You won’t-“

“Minseok I will okay?! I will! And there is nothing we can do to stop it!”

“That’s not true.”

“What do you want me to do? Pray?! Beg from a god I don’t believe in?”

“You can get treated.”

“What?!”

“I told you. Don’t take the easy way out.”

“You said---I thought you agree with me-“

“I never did. I never said I don’t want you to receive the treatment....because I felt I wasn’t important enough to make that kind of decision in your life. It’s your life after all. But I was hoping all this time that you would ask me what I wanted. That night, when I first told you I love you, I thought you’d ask me but you didn’t. It hurt that you didn’t. So I never put forward what I wanted.”

“I—I should go,” I said before everything that I believed in start to fall out.

He didn’t stop me and I managed to get a last look on his face. He was just sad, that’s the only way to describe.

I felt floating when I left him in the backyard and walked back into the house, through the kitchen, the living room. I was at the door when his mom called after me. I turned and she was just right there, wiping her hands on her apron. I didn’t even notice if I passed her in the kitchen on my way out.

“I heard what you were talking about,” she said.

I noted how she said talking and not arguing.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help but hear,” she continued looking really sorry that I wished she didn’t have to hear that. “I pray for you Luhan. Ever since, that time, I was sitting on the couch just watching news, Minseok came and suddenly he was kneeling in front of me, telling me he’s in love with you and he’s happy and wishing that I could be happy for him. You come in my prayers every night since then, I pray for you to get better, and I pray for the two of you to always be happy.”

Minseok never told me about kneeling in front of his mom but all I could focus on was the tender look on his mom’s face - the very painting of a mother. Mothers are amazing. Minseok was right again.

I bounded to her and hugged her quick. Quickly before I started crying again. She barely had time to hug me back when I pulled away and thanked her.

I went home and went straight to my mom. Upon seeing my face, she stood up and wrap her arms around me. That’s when I finally decided.

“I’m going to take the treatments mom.”

*

Sunday.

My mom and dad were out on a kind of date which I suggested for my dad to do. I couldn’t get enough of making my mom happy and also I wanted the house to myself.

I messaged Minseok, asked him to come over and just go directly to the pool. No apologies, no explanations, no nothing else, just as if Saturday afternoon on their backyard never happened. It wasn’t demanding or pleading and that’s probably why I feared he wouldn’t come.

The sun was setting when he arrived, slightly wide eyed at the sight in the pool. I filled the pool with floating candles. I felt kind of embarrassed. Maybe it was too much.

I was on the far edge of the pool and he came to me with confusion and amusement in his eyes.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“Do you realize, we never really went on a romantic date?” I said trying to hide my embarrassment and my over-excited but also anxious heartbeats.

He looked bashful as well and I tried not to think how it was cute and endearing but instead tried to gain some self-confidence from that.

A little picnic was laid out on the grass which Minseok eyed but didn’t make any move to sit down. It was as awkward as a first date until I laughed and rose on my knees and pulled him to sit opposite me.

“Is it too much?” I asked running my eyes on the pizza, the red wine, the pool. It wasn’t too much wasn’t it?

“No, this—“he waved his hand awkwardly. “I actually pegged you for the romantic type so I shouldn’t be surprised but I am.”

“It wasn’t only me. You too. You have to agree we are kind of sappy and gross. Our friends hate us.”

“Yeah,” he said slowly in distaste.

I scrambled for something else to say so I told him about my parent’s date and how dad helped me pick the wine and mom helped me with the candles.

He laughed at that.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re the only one I know who asks help from their parents to set a date.”

“Well—I—ah—It’s not like I can stop them!” I said indignantly. “They love you. They will marry me off to you if they can.”

“I doubt that. Your mom is the type that would hysterically cry at the ceremony accusing me of stealing her son.”

I scrunched my face horrified at the mental image and Minseok laughed at me going right? right?

“And your mom would be crying silently at a corner but on the reception she would have some champagne and start telling guests embarrassing anecdotes about your childhood.”

It was my turn to go right? right? on his face.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s totally her,” he agreed then his expression suddenly got solemn. I fell silent with him. He was just watching my face.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Do you realize what we’re doing?”

He gave me time to think about it and I got what he meant but I didn’t say anything.

“We’re imagining the future together,” he said. “We’ve never done this before.”

He turned to drink wine and I turned the other way to look at the pool. The sun already set and there was no moon so we were illuminated only by the candle lights.

The pool looked even prettier now. Minseok made love to me in that pool – I thought. I imagine telling other people that and watch their face turn into something scandalized. Yes, I will definitely tell people that. It’s not like it wasn’t true anyway.

“Hey, let me read to you something from my journal,” I said as I uncovered my black notebook from under the picnic blanket.

“You have a diary?” he asked, disbelief looking me square in the face.

“It’s a journal,” I insisted. “Remember that night we said we’re writing our story? I took it seriously you know. I wrote some things down.”

Minseok sat back a little, he looked dreamlike under the lighting, I figured I must be too. We must have looked cinematic right there that I thought - maybe someone else is watching us, maybe from above, from up the sky.

Minseok blinked and I was suddenly reminded, full on as if being hit by a truck, of how in love I was.

I cleared my throat, browsing through my journal for the last piece I wrote.

“Here it is. Saturday. 9:27 PM.” I chanced up a look at him and he was just doing this adorable blinking so I decided to keep my eyes on the words.

“I made a realization today,” I read on. “Not just about myself but also the people around me, the people in my life that had been there for so long, they are like the fixtures that fill my life but I don’t really notice. We are made of the people around us so I will be alive for as long as someone knows me and remembers me. We are made up of stories, so I will live on as long as someone retells my story. I feel like I’m in the precipice into something uncertain, but it wasn’t really. The future isn’t that uncertain when you have an idea of what you want, like how Junmyeon wanted to be a lawyer, Jongin a dancer, Kyungsoo a pastry chef, how Minseok wanted to study to be a doctor and how Sehun wanted Tao, I don’t know what to take in college yet but I decided I wanted to start with the basic. I wanted to get better. So while Junmyeon, Kyungsoo, Jongin and Minseok go to college, and while Sehun bugs Tao, I will get treated. It sounded like a good enough career plan for me. Minseok told me about that someone out there who writes about us, about me and I thought—Wasn’t it me all along? The one writing my life, it was me. It will always be me. Well, actually I hope it will be me and Minseok, because my story sounds lonely. I like our story better. “

I looked up at Minseok and he was no longer blinking, just staring at me, in disbelief, in love and everything else that constituted the feeling of that moment.

“You’re an idiot,” he muttered.

I’m used to it by now; he would say that whenever he really wanted to say that he loves me.

I looked back down at my writing. “That was a poor conclusion, I’m planning on rewriting it and—“ I said but wasn’t able to finish before Minseok had his arms around me to the point of suffocating and I had to pry out the journal from between us and fling it away so I could hug him back.

We talked some more about our plans about graduation, about summer, about the end of summer when he had to move in Seoul for college.

“I would drive back here every weekend,” he said.

I tried not to think how it’s a three hour drive, not to think of how he will come every end of the week to my thinning hair until they are all gone including my eyelashes, how he would have a busy time and would not be able to come down, how in reality he just really can’t take a look at me deteriorating, I tried not to think how he will find someone else when away from me. Endless possibilities included that but it also included a small apartment in Seoul, lazy morning breakfast that I tried to whip out, Minseok wearing my shirt, his stuffs are my stuffs, we share the same bed, we share the rent, there was us eating on one plate, where he’s already a doctor and I was already cured.

*

We left the half empty wine bottle and the definitely empty pizza box on the yard and left the candles melting on the pool.

We went upstairs and turned off the lights.

I made love to him by the way I slowly ed his shirt, by the way I explored and familiarize myself with the expanse of his body with my hands, my lips, by the way I marked his skin, red blooming on the ocean of white, I made love to him by the way I threaded my fingers in his hair and wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him deeper, by the way I gave all of myself and by the way I moaned his name, his name that was the only word that made sense in my tongue, my tongue that tasted like him, I made love to him by the way I let him watch me destroyed in the ecstasy of heaven on earth, and by the way I let him put me back together by holding me close.

He told me he loved me and that yes, that was the point and I fell asleep thinking I would marry him someday. Someday.I like that word. But my favourite word is still forever.

 

A/N: 
 

• the phrase from the beginning is from the song Yakap
  
• spectacular now, fault in our stars, vast fields of ordinary, walk to remember; these books practically exists in the same universe, if you've read all of them, can you imagine jamie being friends with hazel and dade, and sutter with pablo and landon? because I can; and them being in the same highschool, perfect cast for poignant, potent teen drama film, put xiuhan in the mix and we should title their story as:Embracing the Fault in our Stars and making the Ordinary Spectacular: a Vast Field to Remember (haha)
  
• Srsly tho, these stories, they all have a common theme and as for me, they left me with the thought that: there are some wars in life that you cannot win but there are some things you can win without a war
  
• i'm so dramatic sometimes. i'll leave you with that thought. thank you for reading! bye!