“So, do you guys visit Sungyeol’s parent as often as you do, us?” 

Sungyeol looked up from the architecture book he was absentmindedly flipping through and he could feel Myungsoo’s fingers still from where they were tugging slightly at his hair on the nape of his neck. 

Myungsoo’s mother was currently setting the table in the dining room, which was only an archway away from the living room, where the couple sat. The tinkle of the cutlery as she set them down next to the heavy dinner plates could probably be heard throughout the whole house.

“Um. Yeah, we almost do. But, Sungyeol’s parents live a lot of further than you guys, so we don’t go as much.”

Myungsoo’s last few words trailed off into a question as he turned to look at Sungyeol. He closed the book and pulled away from Myungsoo’s lingering hand and nodded. He slid the book back into the shelf and left Myungsoo on the black faux- leather sofa as he entered the dining room. Myungsoo could hear Sungyeol putting on what he liked to call the “noona- killer- voice”; soft as butter, innocent as a new born puppy, as he changed the topic. 

Sighing, Myungsoo stood up from the chair. It was something they rarely spoke about. Myungsoo used to bring it up but it always somehow ended with Sungyeol snapping at him and then they never spoke about it again until it was brought up again by someone else. He didn’t know what it was. It couldn’t be his parents, Sungyeol invited them over for dinner every other weekend. Was it the house? Sungyeol didn’t seem to directly avoid talking about the house with his parents or anything.

He just smoothened out the wrinkles on his pants before he joined his mother and boyfriend in the dining room, seating himself and immediately catching onto the current joke. 

Sungyeol didn’t think anything more on Myungsoo’s mother’s question as they drove home after visiting Myungsoo’s parents who lived a little outside of Seoul. He was driving and he stared straight ahead as Myungsoo fiddled with the radio, trying to find the station that had late night radio shows that didn’t grate on both of their nerves. 

But a few seconds after Myungsoo’s hand dropped back onto his lap, he turned to Sungyeol. 

“Why don’t we ever visit your parents at their house?”

Sungyeol lifted his hands off the steering wheel for a brief moment in surprise before he quickly brought them back down. 

“Haven’t we had this conversation before?”

He stared straight ahead, trying not to notice the way Myungsoo was burning holes into his head. His fingers curled tighter around the leather of the steering wheel, before he forced himself to relax. 

“Yeah, but, now that my mom’s asked about it, I mean… Why don’t we ever go to your parents’ house?”

The car drew to a slow stop at a red light. Sungyeol took a hand off the steering wheel and let it rest by his elbow on the car door. 

“Look, Myungsoo, lets just not talk about it, okay?”

Myungsoo, knowing when to pry and when not to, didn’t say anything else as he turned away and decided to stare at the passing buildings instead of Sungyeol as they neared their apartment. 

It wasn’t that Myungsoo was angry. He swears he isn’t. He isn’t even a little frustrated, he understands that Sungyeol has always been this stubborn, especially about the topic of his parents’ house. But he just didn’t understand why Sungyeol just wouldn’t tell him, at this point in their relationship, didn’t Sungyeol trust him? 

The two of them brooded around their apartment for a full week, both tiptoeing around the topic. Myungsoo completely avoided it because he knew Sungyeol was at risk of blowing and storming out of their apartment at any moment. Of course, it always seemed that Myungsoo is incapable of keeping something on his mind without affecting every day life. 

Sungyeol thought maybe Myungsoo was angry at him. It felt a little like a cold shoulder but at the same time, not. He did speak to him, but only if Sungyeol asked about something or if he was answering Sungyeol’s phone call. Myungsoo seemed distant and although Sungyeol wanted to apologise- desperately- he knew that Myungsoo wouldn’t forgive him until he told him why. It felt completely stupid, and a little ridiculous, for Sungyeol to allow the person he loves the most to continue being angry at him. But he had his reasons.

It was expected, though, that Myungsoo would try to dig a little deeper. He wouldn’t blatantly go behind Sungyeol’s back and ask questions. But he thought it would be harmless to just drop a call to Sungyeol’s mother and ask about it. The conversation was short because Myungsoo was constantly looking behind his back, afraid that Sungyol would appear suddenly at the bathroom doorway- he hid in the bathroom, knowing it was the room furthest from the front door. 

“Mother! How are you today?”

Myungsoo winced. It sounded so staged.

“Myungsoo? You’re early today. I’m doing just fine, how are you and Sungyeol?”

He took a glance at his watch, a couple of minutes before Sungyeol should be getting home from work. 

“We’re both really well. But mother, I need to ask you a small question.”

The casual voice he adopted suddenly made Myungsoo wince as well. 

“Sure. Ask away, Myungsoo.”

“Well, I just wanted to ask if Sungyeol’s ever told you why he doesn’t want us to go over to your house.” 

The pause on the other end made Myungsoo’s palms sweat. 

“Well, Myungsoo, uh, I don’t think Sungyeol’s ever told me, really. Why don’t you just ask Sungyeol yourself?”

Even as he was rubbing his palms on his jeans, trying to get rid of the sweat- and maybe the guilt-. he thought she sounded just a little suspicious.

“But, mother-“

“Oh, Myungsoo, the gas man is here, I have to go. Bye, say hello to Sungyeol for me!”

The dial tone made Myungsoo’s eyebrows furrow. 

Sungyeol finally gave in, 2 weeks after the night at Myungsoo’s parents’ house. He didn’t like Myungsoo acting so weird. He still draped himself all over Sungyeol, resting his head on Sungyeol’s lap all the time they watched TV, or giving him back hugs early in the morning when Sungyeol brushed his teeth. But he still felt distant. Sometimes, Sungyeol found that Myungsoo was staring at Sungyeol but he wasn’t really looking at him. So, he decided to have dinner at his parents’ house this weekend.

His mother was pretty surprised when he asked, but she didn’t question before she just accepted and promptly hung up to buy groceries to prepare for the dinner. 

Myungsoo was just getting dressed on Friday morning when Sungyeol wrapped his arms around Myungsoo’s shoulder. Myungsoo had jumped, surprised at Sungyeol initiating skinship first. 

“How about we have dinner at my parents’ house tonight?” 

Myungsoo’s fingers stilled above the hanger hanging up his black hoodie. 

“At their house?” 

“Yup, their house.”

“Um, okay.”

Myungsoo decided not to question and simply kissed Sungyeol before he left for work. 

Sungyeol watched his boyfriend leave, before he got into his car and drove to his parents’ house, taking only 20 minutes before he arrived. The door opened as soon as he rang the doorbell, the small face of his parents’ maid appearing at the doorway. 

He stepped in and refused a drink, smiling abashedly. She left the room, and he knew his parents were out, judging by the quietness of the big house. Almost immediately, Sungyeol set to work. 

Sungyeol started with the first room that they would see as soon as they came into the house, the lounge. There were a few couches here and end tables filled with family pictures. Sungyeol let his fingers skim the tops of each photo frame, leaving the pictures taken after he turned 18 to stay. However, when he reached an older photo- maybe when he was 13?- he picked up the photo frame and slid the photo out, dropping it into the box he had brought along. He continued doing the same thing until he had covered all the photos in the room, making a mental note to come back later and remove all the empty photo frames. 

It would have been a lot less tedious to just remove the photo frames with the photos inside but Sungyeol felt like he needed extra insurance that the photos wouldn’t ever be seen. 

He then proceeded to the sitting room, then the living room, then the dining room, then the hallways, then the stairway, then his parents’ room and his own old bedroom. His box was almost half full, and Sungyeol felt tired. By the time he got back home, with a full clattering box full of photo frames and photos, it was nearing dinner time. 

Stuffing the box into the highest cupboard in their apartment, Sungyeol took a shower and prepared for dinner. He wasn’t completely at ease, even though he had personally removed every pre- adolescent photo he had of himself. In the shower, Sungyeol just couldn’t get the image of his stupid childish self out of his mind. He was an ugly child, and even now, he didn’t think he was that handsome, maybe just a bit of an improvement. At least he had less pimples now, less fat and a lot more height. But he didn’t really know if that was an improvement or not. 

Myungsoo unlocked the door into their apartment a few seconds after Sungyeol had dressed, and the younger found him seated on their couch, with his back straight and eyes staring at nothing. 

“Sungyeol?”

It took a few seconds before Sungyeol lifted his gaze towards Myungsoo.

“Hmm?”

He took a few steps closer. Sungyeol didn’t usually blank out like this, it was usually just him. Myungsoo shook it off and sat down next to Sungyeol. 

“What are you doing?” 

Myungsoo watched his boyfriend’s actions carefully. Sungyeol was acting weird today. 

“Waiting for you. We should get going, my mom prefers punctuality.”

Myungsoo watched as Sungyeol slowly rose up from the couch and walked to their main door, pausing before he turned back to Myungsoo. 

“Aren’t you coming?”

Quickly jumping up from his position, Myungsoo walked quickly to Sungyeol’s side. Myungsoo took Sungyeol’s hand and squeezed it, unsure about why Sungyeol was acting this way but knowing he needed comfort. Maybe it was the house that Sungyeol didn’t like, like he had guessed. But that simple reasoning just didn’t sit well with him. 

They drove in silence. Sungyeol felt as if he could still hear the clattering of the box in the backseat but every time he took a glance in the rearview mirror, there was nothing. 

Myungsoo felt like he could sense Sungyeol’s discomfort. He didn’t know what it was but Sungyeol kept looking up at the rearview mirror- like in those horror movies, except they were in broad daylight- but Myungsoo was trying not to second guess everything he did. 

When they finally pulled up at a very, very unfamiliar house- at least for Myungsoo, and a little for Sungyeol, on account of how little he visited here with Myungsoo-, Sungyeol remained seated inside the car even with the engine no longer running. Looking up at the house, Myungsoo wondered why they never visited before. It was a little peculiar, after 3 years of being together, that Sungyeol had never brought him here before. It was a nice enough house, with white panelling and dark wooden shutters over the windows and a similar looking front door. There were potted plants all around the house and the lawn was well- manicured, with shaped hedges and beautiful flowerbeds. 

The front door opened as Myungsoo averted his gaze back to the house. A lady in a standard maid’s outfit- pressed blue pinafore, white undershirt- appeared and stared right at their car. Sungyeol cleared his throat before he touched Myungsoo’s hand lightly.

They exited the car together, heading to the front door hand in hand. Sungyeol still looked uneasy, stiff and awkward. Myungsoo was getting increasingly worried. 

As soon as they walked in, Myungsoo took note of the type of atmosphere the house gave. It was different from his own house. Sungyeol seemed to be from a very upper- class family, with expensive- looking paintings and scrolls full of alien calligraphy down them. There were bits of dark wood furniture and silk cushions scattered about the place and there was not a single thing out of place. 

Suddenly, Myungsoo himself felt a little awkward. 

But Sungyeol’s parents appeared by the doorway just in time. 

“Myungsoo! Sungyeol, You guys are here, lets go in!”

Myungsoo had to pull Sungyeol along with him by their threaded fingers, as he followed Sungyeol’s mother through their house. They went through several rooms, what Myungsoo presumed was the sitting room, then the living room, then finally they arrived at a large room. It had a long glass table that could seat about 8 people on each side, with its top covered with a lacy white tablecloth. The chairs looked heavy, with beige cushions and intricate back patterns. 

They were seated by the other maids of the house, as a few brought out platters of food and rice. Sungyeol still looked as uncomfortable as ever, his eyes darting back and forth as if he expected something to come out and jump at him.

Sungyeol didn’t know if anything could be more nerve- wracking than this. He was trying to be as relaxed as possible, leaning into the chair as much as his body would allow him and eating as much as he thought he normally would. But he just couldn’t put away as much food as he had piled onto his plate. His stomach was churning and all Sungyeol wanted was to just go home and lie down with Myungsoo. 

Myungsoo was carrying the conversation with Sungyeol’s parents. Sungyeol simply sat there, sipping water and smiling curtly when the maid arrived to remove his plates. It was only after a few seconds that Sungyeol excused himself from the table. He was so going to vomit, and he needed to get out of there. 

His chair scraped back on the polished wood and Sungyeol bowed to the table before he left to the restroom on the other side of the dining room. 

Myungsoo watched from behind his glass of water as Sungyeol turned several shades paler and rushed off to the restroom. He only brought himself back to the table when Sungyeol’s parents chuckled. 

“Sungyeol used to have such a sensitive stomach as a child. I thought that stopped a long time ago, didn’t you, honey?”

Sungyeol’s father hmmed before he agreed. 

But something further piqued Myungsoo’s interest as he noticed the family portrait on the wall, with his younger brother standing tall beside an equally tall Sungyeol, both sons behind their seated parents. 

“What was Sungyeol like as a child?”

Sungyeol’s mother swallowed her sip of water before she followed his gaze and looked at the portrait behind her.

“Now that you’ve mentioned it, I’m sure I have some pictures lying around here…”

Myungsoo watched as she stood up and folded her napkin, a maid immediately rushing to clean her plates. She disappeared through the arch of the dining room, and after a few seconds, reappeared, beckoning them to head to the sitting room.

As he sat down on the leather couches, Myungsoo wondered was taking Sungyeol so long. 

Sungyeol’s mother smiled proudly as she handed him a portfolio of pictures, each side filled with pictures of a knee- scraped, grinning Sungyeol. Some of them had Daeyeol, and they looked like they were having fun in every shot. 

“Sungyeol and Daeyeol were such pleasant children, if not a little rowdy sometimes. I suppose they’re still the same these days, aren’t they?”

Myungsoo liked the way she smiled to herself, and also how her husband squeezed her hand. 

The photos of Sungyeol in junior, then middle, then high school caught Myungsoo’s attention. Here was his boyfriend before puberty, and he had pimples littering his chubby cheeks, a gummy smile, and a little nervous looking. It was adorable. Pre- adolescent Sungyeol had a bowl- cut hair, and even though he was taller now, it seemed there was a time when Daeyeol was taller than him. Myungsoo chuckled when he thought about how Sungyeol would have reacted to that back then. 

Sungyeol quickly washed his hands, after he was 100% sure he was not going to throw up. As he left the restroom, he could tell Myungsoo and his parents were having a nice time. There was the deep baritone chuckle of his father, the light, tinkery laughter of his mothers, and finally, the horribly adorable alto of his boyfriend’s laugh. 

But as Sungyeol walked into the sitting room, after being directed by a maid where they were, he knew they weren’t talking. They were all seated around the glass coffee table, flipping through something. It gave Sungyeol a horrible, horrible sinking feeling. It felt like his throat just closed up and he was pretty sure he was going to cry. How didn’t he think of the photo albums? How could he have been so stupid?

There were lots of things that Sungyeol was embarrassed around himself. But the one that hit him the hardest- enough to make him cry-, was his appearance before he hit 18. He was such an ugly child, always getting bullied and getting scraped knees because of that, then his stupid gummy smile and chubby cheeks that made everyone want to pull on. He hated the extra fat he had as well, along with the pimples that were always so stubborn, no matter what old remedy his mother tried. 

So Sungyeol knew that he had to get Myungsoo away from this house, he knew it was a bad idea. What were his parents thinking? 

Sungyeol strode to the couch where Myungsoo was seated and giggling as he pointed at a photo. Sungyeol recognised the photo, of course he did. It was taken just before his second year in high school. He had just been let out from the utility closet, where his bullies had locked him in, telling him that his disgusting face could disappear along with all his extra weight. But of course, the photo made him look fine, the old camera not picking up on his teary eyes or the reddening bruises on his arms. 

Myungsoo felt his arm being pulled on and as he looked up, he was pulled up from his seat, and he stumbled a little as he was pulled to Sungyeol’s side. 

“We’re leaving. Thank you for the dinner.”

Sungyeol bowed low to his parents before he nodded slightly to the maids who stood at the side. Myungsoo dazedly nodded to Sungyeol’s parents before he was jostled outside and into the car. 

They were speeding down the road, Sungyeol’s eyes hard and cold. Myungsoo tried to hold onto Sungyeol’s arm, wanting to comfort him and ask what was wrong.

But Sungyeol only shook him off, biting his lip so hard Myungsoo was afraid he would bite right through it. 

Once they had gotten into their apartment, Sungyeol dropped the car keys on the counter before he headed straight to their bedroom. At this point, Myungsoo was completely confused. Sungyeol had just acted the most rude to his parents Myungsoo had ever seen him and without a single word, Sungyeol had completely ignored Myungsoo and was now locking himself in their room. 

Myungsoo was getting a little pissed. Sure, he knew Sungyeol was a private person and he wasn’t as outspoken about his thoughts like Myungsoo was. But they were lovers! Doesn’t this kind of mean that Sungyeol tells Myungsoo things he wouldn’t tell others or just lean on him? All Myungsoo wants to do is help. 

Sungyeol hears Myungsoo shouting and knocking on the door with the flat of his palm but Sungyeol ignores it all as he continues to stand under the shower head. The water is as hot as it can go, and his skin is pretty much bright red now. Everything feels kind of cold though and even Sungyeol knows that means something’s wrong. But right now, he just continues scrubbing at his skin, watching as welts surface as he drags his nails down his chest and across his stomach. 

He used to have acne on his chest, and a little roll on his stomach. 

Sungyeol uses the face wash Myungsoo uses, the expensive kind and he massages it into his face but after a while, he starts to dig in a little deeper, sometimes letting his nails scrape a little on his skin. It just doesn’t feel enough. He used to have so much pimples on his skin, and it didn’t matter how expensive the face wash was, he could never get them off. 

It’s only after 10 minutes does Myungsoo stop shouting at Sungyeol through their bedroom door. It’s honestly starting to worry him again. There has been no response, not even a grunt or anything. Very unlike Sungyeol.

Myungsoo paces back and forth outside the bedroom and when he hears the lock on their door, he feels just about ready to pounce on Sungyeol.

Except. Sungyeol looks different. 

His skin looks raw red, his neck, his arms, what Myungsoo can see of his chest, and even his face looks a little too red. There’s even what looks like scratches on his face. 

“Sungyeol? Yeol, are you okay?”

But Sungyeol doesn’t really reply, just nods his head and walks past Myungsoo. Myungsoo isn’t about to let this go though, so he grabs hold onto Sungyeol’s hand, jerking him back to his side. 

“Yeol, what’s wrong? Tell me!”

Sungyeol only stares blankly at Myungsoo and it makes him want to scream at him. Why won’t he just tell him for god’s sake? Before Myungsoo can say anything, Sungyeol drops to his knees in front of Myungsoo, pulling him down. This only further startles Myungsoo, who holds up Sungyeol’s face by gently cupping his jaw. 

“Yeol?”

Myungsoo’s not really sure how many times he has said Sungyeol’s name by now but it doesn’t really matter. Sungyeol looks like he’s going to cry and that alone makes Myungsoo want to cry himself. Nobody ever sees Sungyeol cry, never ever sees that vulnerable side to him. So it surprises Myungsoo every time. 

Without waiting a moment longer, Myungsoo drops his hands from Sungyeol’s face and just pulls his boyfriend towards him, trying to hold him closer and closer. 

When Sungyeol starts crying, he starts talking as well. 

“It’s okay, if you think I’m ugly. It’s okay. It’s okay. I think I’m ugly too.”

The whole sentence is interrupted with hiccups but it hits Myungsoo just as hard. His whole body seems to break into a chill and he just starts burying his nose into Sungyeol’s warm neck. He plants kisses down to his collarbone.

“You’re not ugly. Why would you ever think that?”

There isn’t a response from Sungyeol but Myungsoo just continues planting kisses down Sungyeol’s chest, his hands finding Sungyeol’s and holding them tight. Before every kiss, Myungsoo feels that he needs to tell Sungyeol the same thing over and over again. 

“You’re not ugly, I love you.” 

After a while, Sungyeol stops crying but he still hiccups as Myungsoo starts kissing down his hands and rubbing his hands up and down Sungyeol’s sides. 

“Is this why you didn’t want me to go to your parents’ house? Because your childhood pictures were there?”

Again, there isn’t a response but Myungsoo already knows the answer.  Later on the bed, Myungsoo continues to kiss every part of Sungyeol, whispering the same things as Sungyeol shivers from the love.