The reflection in the mirror was not him at all - that person was nowhere near anyone by the name of Lee Jinki.

The person was wearing a long sleeveless white shirt that exposed his collarbones, leather skinny pants that hugged his legs tightly and combat boots that didn't look comfortable. The person was just the complete opposite of him - the person just looked so different from him and so why was Jinki seeing him in the mirror instead of his own reflection that would always carry a silly smile? The person's features looked so much identical to his own ones, excluding all the heavy make up that was smeared by tears-

"Jinki?"

- it's himself, who had been crying .

It was him, Lee Jinki who had lost himself since he met Kim Jonghyun.

He broke the mirror the next instant.
 

Jinki first met Jonghyun when he was only ten, when he was drawing by the pond while everyone in the class was playing at the field. Nobody loved to play with Jinki - he fall and hurt himself easily, and he was always the reason why the teacher would forbid them from playing anymore while she tend to Jinki's injuries. He was always alone, until Jonghyun suddenly appeared by his side with a silly loop-sided grin on his face. And when Jinki turned to look at Jonghyun who the teacher had earlier introduced to be new, it was as if everything stopped.

"Y-Yes?"

It was like a fairytale, like how the sunlight would be shining down magically on the prince as he made his entrance. Jonghyun was standing right there, with all the gorgeous sunlight and everything just looked so breath-taking that it looked so virtual and unbelievable.

"Do you want to be my friend?"

"B-But," It was the first time something like this ever happened. Jinki could only hope that this wasn't some useless bet since it did happened before. "I'm boring and-"

Jinki's breath stopped when Jonghyun pushed strands of hair that were covering his face away and tugged them behind his ear gently - it wasn't seconds later until Jinki saw Jonghyun breaking into a brighter smile than before.

"You are pretty, Lee Jinki." Jonghyun stuck his small hand out towards him. "I like you and - I really want to be friends with you."

And sure they did, they became friends. Best-friends on top of that too, if Jinki's escalating crush on Jonghyun was excluded.
 

Jonghyun was almost everything that Jinki had, ever since at the age of thirteen when his parents passed away due to a horrible accident. Jinki could still remember the horror of witnessing the accident by his very own eyes. If not for Jonghyun, he would have never walked out of the depression that suffocated him after his family's death. He could still remember how tightly Jonghyun's warm arms were around his shoulder as he cried with his wrists all scarred with cuts.

It was perhaps that moment, how Jinki realized he really needed and loved Jonghyun. And it didn't take that moment for Jinki to realize how he would whatever that it takes to have Jonghyun feeling the exact same way back to him - it frightened Jinki.
 

When Jinki knew Jonghyun didn't play for the other team at the age of sixteen, it made his day - even if he didn't show and only nodded his head understandingly to Jonghyun who was getting embarrassed after admitting it to his best-friend. Jinki broke into a small smile afterwards when his best-friend wasn't noticing as he took the orange pouch that he always had in his bag out - it contained all the photographs they took together.

Jinki held the pouch tightly that moment, knowing that just maybe - he finally had a chance to tell his friend his feelings.

And it was almost scary when Jonghyun started to open up more to Jinki - the more Jinki knew about his best-friend, the deeper he fell and the harder for him to regain independence from Jonghyun. He relied on Jonghyun too much, he loved his best-friend too much that everything was suffocating Jinki. The fact that how Jinki would really break if Jonghyun ever leaves him - it was a living nightmare.

Jinki had felt like he had turned into another person after falling in love with Jonghyun.

"Don't you think so, Jinki?" Jonghyun stirred the warm soup that Jinki had made slowly as he muttered softly at his next sentence. "People that are great in singing are really attractive."

Jinki had pretended to hum a song unknowingly in front of Jonghyun - just to get his best-friend turning and to look at him with awe. Jinki thought he was one step even closer when Jonghyun ruffled his hair with a bright grin, saying how his best-friend never failed to surprise him.

"Y-You got a piercing?" Jonghyun's eyes were wide as his fingers brushed the right ear of Jinki gently. "Why?"

Jonghyun forgot how he pointed at the magazine with a really gorgeous piercing on the ear printed on it with awe as he shook Jinki.

There was so much more that Jinki had changed for Jonghyun - whether was it how he had started to sing more, got a new piercing, practiced the piano, learned how to dance and tried to be braver so that he could go to the amusement parks and watch horror movies together with him. It was to the extent that Jinki was almost so tired that his best-friend hadn't realized anything at all - but it all changed when Jonghyun saw the pouch that Jinki kept all their photographs, and all the love letters that he had tried to give Jonghyun but failed to.
 

"J-Jonghyun, I've got an-"

"You have got an explanation for this?" Jonghyun swallowed deeply, clearly showing how surprised he was after knowing that his best-friend of twenty years had been holding a torch for him all along. "I mean, sure - just tell me. Is this some sort of practice for your literature-"

Jinki shook his head as he tried to pull the pouch back from Jonghyun's hands, but failed from the firm grip his best-friend had on it. He didn't want his best-friend to know of this existence, not until they got together and this could be something sweet for them to reminisce for. But as fate love to pull a prank on Jinki, Jonghyun found it out and his reaction wasn't really a pleasant one - judging from how he kept blinking his eyes, as if this would change the name written on the love letters to some other people.

"Then what, Jinki?" Jonghyun's face was painted with confusion as he took all the love letters out from the pouch unsteadily. It wasn't minutes later until Jonghyun looked up with a hopeful face - thinking that he could lie to himself that his family-like best-friend did not just crush on him for more than a decade. His expression hurt Jinki, it made everything so clear to Jinki that Kim Jonghyun certainly didn't like him back. "All of these letters are meant for Minho, right?"

If all of these letters were meant for Minho, Jinki knew that his life would immediately be a lot better. It wasn't that Minho held a torch for him - but Jinki knew that if he had fallen in love with Minho instead of Jonghyun - his sanity would still be safely kept in place and not be slipping away as Jonghyun started to find new love after another but just not even considering him. He loved Jonghyun too much for anyone's good.

Minho was probably the first person that knew to what extent that Jinki loved Jonghyun. And much to Jinki's relief, his close-friend wasn't judging him for it but - he was just worried. He could remember how Minho shook his head and pulled him into a comforting hug, telling Jinki that it was probably the best if he gave himself some break from Jonghyun before anything worse happened - it had.

"They are always for you, Jonghyun." Jinki's voice was cracking as he tried to breathe in steadily, ignoring how puzzled Jonghyun looked. "I've been-"

"No, Jinki - just no." Jonghyun rested the pouch onto the table, all the photographs of them slipping out. "I-I mean, you are just... not my type?"

It was as if his heart had just got trampled for a thousand times, that moment when Jinki saw how apologetic Jonghyun looked as his sentences kept echoing in his mind.


 

"This won't help, Jinki!"

Jinki swung the hand that was grabbing onto his wrist away as he continued walking to where the university was located. He knew he was being stubborn, and he was being totally insane for doing all these things but Jinki knew this was the only way - he would really break if Jonghyun continued to avoid him like there was no tomorrow. He missed Jonghyun so badly-

He felt himself being shoved to the wall nearby roughly, and winced slightly in pain when a pair of hands grabbed his shoulder tightly.

"Let me go, Minho-"

"What will do you good by dressing like how Kibum always does?" Minho's voice was no longer gentle like before when he gave advices to Jinki - he sounded like he was panicking and was too loss to even do anything. "I told you Jinki, just distance yourself from Jonghyun from the time being! Doing all these will only push yourself away from him even more!"

Jinki knew Jonghyun was crushing on Kibum - he just knew it. Jonghyun had been seen hanging out with Kibum at the campus numerous times and - Jinki knew what Jonghyun meant by him not being his type. Kibum was a total opposite of him, he was so confident and dressed in a way that Jonghyun would always give thumbs up for - Jinki could too.

Even if all the clothes he were wearing irked him, he hadn't thought of changing out of them as long as Jonghyun would look at him again.

"I need to, Minho." Jinki tried to push the hands that were grabbing onto his shoulders away but was up to no avail. "What if he really just leave me-"

"I told you to give yourself a break! This is what I was talking about, being unhealthily in love with Jonghyun! You know he would never feel the same way towards you - you are just like a family member to him, Jinki." Minho sighed in exasperation as he tried to talk Jinki out of it - but it was impossible. Minho should know that. "You are going to hurt yourself if this continue so just - go home, Jinki. Go back to being yourself and spare yourself from all these sufferings. Forget your love for him, you are just too afraid that you will lose another person that is too important to you. Pull yourself together and just stop-"

Jinki gathered all his strength and finally pushed Minho's hands away from him.

"I will keep on trying, Minho."

Jinki pulled away when Jonghyun tried to put his jacket over his shoulders as he got dragged into the nearest corridor that was isolated. His best-friend's face was full of confusion and surprise - did Jonghyun liked how he had changed? Most of the people in the university gave positive responses as to how he had dressed when he walked past them earlier-

"What happened, Jinki?" Jonghyun's eyes traveled from his exposed collarbones to his tight pants. "This is not like you-"

"I do look better, right?"

"What are you talking about, Jinki? Just what-" Jonghyun's face showed that realization had hit him. Jinki had indeed done all these things for him. "... what?"

Jinki tried to force a smile out when Jonghyun just continued staring at him with face that was obviously painted with shock, confusion and most importantly - guilt. Something in Jinki knew Jonghyun would never feel the same for him that moment when Jonghyun started to take steps backwards, away from him. It was as if someone had just stabbed him in his heart.

"This is not like you anymore, Jinki." Jonghyun looked away from Jinki. "You changed-"

"And what for do I change, Jonghyun? Do you know I seriously dislike piercing and I got it just - just because you said that you like it? Do you know how much I've changed because of you - just all because I want you to value me more and start to-" Jinki stopped when he noticed how bewildered Jonghyun looked like - it hurt Jinki, it was almost like Jonghyun was disgusted with Jinki. "I'm no longer myself, Jonghyun. I've been changing ever since you started have a preference of things."

Jinki felt something building up in his throat when Jonghyun just shook his head in disapproval.

"I have never thought of you in that way before, Jinki. And I never will." Jonghyun's hands went to his face as he exhaled loudly. "Have I told you how you are really not like yourself now? What happened to the Jinki that I knew? Just-"

Jinki left even before Jonghyun finished his sentence - he couldn't hold back his tears any longer and he was bound to break into a mess of sobbing state if he continued to listen to Jonghyun's rejection. Jinki actually knew, that Jonghyun really wouldn't like him and that was why he kept changing - just for the other to even smile and praise him. And when it all narrowed down, it actually showed how scary Jinki was, going all these far just for his best-friend that would never look at him in a crush way.
 

Jinki could only stare at the mirror that he had just broken before him in disgust as Minho quickly rushed to his side after seeing how bad of a state Jinki was in. His wrists had wounds that were bleeding - Jinki always did that when he wanted to escape from the harsh reality. Jinki could only broke into a dry smile as he looked at how Minho quickly washed his wounds as he repeatedly tell Jinki to get a hold of himself.

"Perhaps the reason for why my parents leave is because they found out that I'm not Jinki, they didn't want to stay anymore." Jinki started to find his eyes being welled with tears again. "And now it's Jonghyun's turn - I changed so much for him and-"

Minho didn't allow him to continue his words - he was immediately pulled into a hug, a hug that was so tight that he could actually manage to feel himself. Himself.

"I'm not Jinki now," His voice cracked as he pushed himself to utter a single word more. "I'm just somebody that-... I don't know, Minho. Who am I now?"