Try to read it while listening this song (EXO - Miracles in December) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=QRXx1xqA3zQ

Hope you enjoy it..thank you.. (^_^)

_______________________________________________________________________

*25 December 2013*

It’s already three weeks but I still don’t want to lose you then, now and forever. Your absence makes me feel that I’ve lost the half of me, my life feels empty. The air that I breathed makes me suffocating. I’m already drowning in my sadness of your lost. I wish that I could follow you along, along to the other world so that we are always together. There’s no need to live when my life is already like the withered leaves. Am I really selfish if I want you to stay here with me?

Now I’m here – at the café where we used to have our date. Yes, we have our date on the Christmas Day. The familiar aroma of coffee and toasts reminded me of you. I look outside of the window, amused by the snowy scene. I could see the two of us playing the snow fight outside the café. Why are everything here screamed your name to me?

I still remember that day – the last day I heard his voice, the last day I saw his smile and the last day I saw him. He was lying on that bed, with a weak and pale face but his dry lips are still welcoming me with the sweet smile of his. I wish I could rewind that day and I wish that I could have him in my hug right now. I want to feel his warm hands so badly in between of my hands. I closed my eyes to recall back the last time I was with him.

***********************************************************************************************************

*three weeks ago*

As usual, I visit him at the hospital after I finished my class. He already absent for a month right now since he was hospitalized last November. We actually studied at the same college but in different class. We met for the first time when he accidentally bumping into me when I’m in my way to the cafeteria. I bent down to pick my books and he also lend his hand to help. He apologized to me for being too careless but I don’t hear what he said as I was bewitched by his handsome face when he handed the books to me. Those sparkly eyes of him are fascinating me.

I finally wake up from my dream after he let out a small cough and I quickly grab the books from him. What an embarrassing moment for me when I was caught staring at him, I can’t even move my hand to take the books that already in his hand.  My cheeks feel hot because of that incident.

I muttered a low ‘thank you’ to him and ready to run away from the awkward situation but stopped when he called my name. “Umm…Chaerin-shi.” I turned my back to him. What the heck? Where did he know my name? “Err..I saw your name at your book if you’re wondering,” he answered the exact question that lingering in my mind. ‘Okay, he’s scary.’ “By the way, I’m Kris.” He introduced himself without any hesitation. ‘Ohh.. he's scary but also an interesting person. Kekeke...’

That very first meeting initiated love between us and the rest is history. My train of thoughts was interrupted when he spoke to me.

“Chaerin-ah, when I had no longer besides you please take care of yourself, and don’t you ever dare to skip your meals,” he nags to me as a joke. I just flashed a faint smile to him, he knows me too well. I really like to skip my meals when I was too busy with my works but he always appears with my favorite croissants and coffee in his hand when it is lunch time. I don’t know where he got those foods but I am really happy as he really cares for me. And he had never hurt my feeling even once. I am lucky to meet such person in my life.

“ Arasseo, I promise you that won’t..but don’t say things like that. You will live for a long time, we will be married and we will be together for the entire of our life.” I gently squeeze his hand –trying to stop him from speaks the nonsense things, not really nonsense because we both know that it’s a fact. I know I’m not that strong to face the day that I will live without him. I feel scared just by imagining the situation, the situation where he doesn’t here beside me. I could not picture how I’ll go through the future alone.

His playful smile suddenly faded and he turned his face to the other side, he’s avoiding the eye contact with me. “But we know that I could not make it that long. My cancer is already in the critical phase, there is nothing that we can do about it. I can feel that my time is already near. We should start to face this reality,” he said solemnly and I noticed that tears dropping from his eyes though I couldn’t see them.

“Don’t say something like that, I really hate it.” I said weakly – a bit hurt when he still being pessimistic about his condition. He turns his head towards me again when he sensed that I was sulking. He looks at me straight in the eyes – his stare pierces the sadness into my heart. “You’re a nice girlfriend to me, Chaerin. I never regret every moment that we’ve spent together, the laughter that we share and the tears that we cry together. Thank you for always be beside me,” he said as he tightens the grip of our hands.

My lips formed a smile when I reminisced the day we got to know each other and after that falling in love insanely like we are the happiest couple in the world. But I guess that fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending. Our love was tested the day he was diagnosed with leukemia which can be fatal. I feel like the whole world crashed when I got the news.

“I really hope that there are nothing would come across our love. I wish to spend my whole life with you and raising our children together. I want to be a strict father who will interrogate our daughter’s boyfriend like, ‘Do you really love my daughter? If you just want to hurt her, don’t you ever dare to meet her again’,” he’s acting out how he will scold our kid’s boyfriend when we had our own family later. We both chuckled with his mischievous imagination. He will be a nice father like how he being a nice man to me.

“But unfortunately my death is interfering now. I’m sorry for that. Forgive me for being unjust to you.” The joyful atmosphere didn’t last long when he’s switching us back to the reality. My vision is glistened with tears when I heard his words – his last words for me. I bit my lips to control my emotions – restraining the tears from escaping my eyes.

“When I’m dying, please kiss me for the last time so I could bring along our love with me,” he continued which makes me lost the control of my own emotion.

I let go of his hand and running off from his ward as I don’t want to hear the last sentence – too bad it’s already slipped out from his mouth. I dashed out to the emergency exit and I sat down on the stairs. I clutched my chest as pain taking over my heart. I’ve lost – I’ve lost in the battle with my own emotion. I’m really weak in this kind of circumstances. ‘When I’m dying, please kiss me for the last time so I could bring along our love with me.’ I closed my ears as I keep hearing the words repeating in my mind. I shook my head to throw away the thought of him dying but I couldn’t.

‘Dear, God. Can’t you take my life instead of him? I wouldn’t care to substitute my life for him as I’m already soulless without his presence.’ I cried to my heart content for a few minutes and eventually calmed myself down. ‘I shouldn’t be here – just crying by myself. I should be with him. He’s the one who needs supports now.’ I try to get a grip on myself and walk back to his ward to give him strength. ‘You can’t be a weak girl right now, Lee Chaerin. You have to be strong!’

When I’m almost there, I’m surprised to see his parents already arrived outside of his ward, but shouldn’t they go inside? Wait, why his mother is crying now? Don’t tell me that –

His mother dashes towards me with wet eyes and hold my shoulders softly. “Chaerin-ah. His condition is critical now. The doctor still trying to save him now,” My brain is still processing what is going on but I know the situation is not that good right now. That means I have to get my heart ready. ‘When I’m dying, please kiss me for the last time so I could bring along our love with me.’ Those words are playing again in my mind. ‘I should go inside.’ I keep repeating to myself that I should go inside and fulfill his last will.

Like I was hypnotized, I didn’t realize when I pushed the ward’s door and tries to approach him. I only gained back my sense when a nurse pulled my arm and preventing me to go near. “Please, I’ve promised him something,” I pleaded the nurse and the doctor with sad eyes. They seems like they want to object my request but somehow they allow me to meet him.

I took heavy steps to his bed and lowered my body to kiss him. I could see sweat drenching from his forehead and hear his unstable breathing. His pupils are shaking; he’s fighting with his death now. I know it’s already the time for him to leave. I planted a kiss on his lips – for a quite long time before I broke our last kiss. I wiped my tears that were dripped on his face and whispered to him, “I’m willing to let you go now…”

As soon as I finished my words, my ears caught the sound of heartbeat monitor beeping – a long beep. I closed my eyes – try to gain my senses but the dizziness is attacking my head right now.

‘He’s gone.’ I take a look of his face for the second time. He looked very calm and those eyes of him are closed – forever. I can’t stare and stunned by them anymore. Before they took him from me, I kissed his cold cheek once again. Then, I could feel my body collapses on the floor and they screamed my name. I couldn’t remember everything after that.

***********************************************************************************************************

*end of flashback*

My body is jerking when I feel the pain of his loss again. My eyebrows are frowning and the unwelcomed hot tears falling again on my cheeks. I wipe the tears and decided to leave this place. I quickly exited from the café as I don’t want the pathetic me shown to the public.

I leaned my body on a tree at the sidewalk – waiting for the cars to pass before I cross the road. It is the same road where he used to hold my hand and lead me as I was a bit clumsy when I walk on the slippery road.

I was crushing the snow with my feet when I heard someone called my name. I lift my head and I saw him – yes, him – across the road while waving his hand to me. I blinked my eyes in disbelief. I think I was too immersed in my sadness that makes me seeing things right now. My mind is stopping me from crossing the road but my legs are refusing to obey. Without any conscience, I already stepped forward and I could hear a loud honking sound but I can’t respond now since I was too concentrated on him. He stretches his arms – demanding for a hug. A big smile is plastered on his face and I couldn’t help myself from smiling too.

Then, I could feel my body flew as I was hit by something hard and a crowd screaming hysterically. ‘Oh, I was hit by a car.’ I thought by myself. I can smell the blood underneath my head but weirdly, I don’t feel any pain ; my body is numb to feel it.

What I feel now is happiness as I saw him beside me and reaching his hand to me. I take his hand and closed my eyes – hoping that he would take me with him this time.

I’m struggling to find you who I cannot see ~

I see things that I couldn’t see before ~

I hear things that I couldn’t hear before ~

I’m struggling to find you who I cannot hear ~

( EXO - Miracles of December )