Chp1: {{Hyunjoong’s story}}

I looked at the empty space beside me, unable to take my eyes off the pillow, which used to be filled with his scent. I took in a deep breath, the air was still and odorless, perhaps, the only smell that crawled into my nostrils is that of the falling rain.

It was pouring outside, hey what are you doing now?

I smiled foolishly at the question, despite knowing that he couldn’t hear it. I was starting to zone out in my thoughts when the sound of his familiar serenade brought me back to reality.

On one rainy day..
Hiding the tears..
Heaven is showering rain on me as if it is mocking at me..
On one rainy day..
Lost in thoughts..
Longing for that memorable day…

My phone is ringing. And yes, that’s right, Youngsaeng’s ‘Rainy Heart’ was my ringtone.

“Ah, yoboseyo?” I answered the call, with my gaze still fixed at the raindrops outside the closed window.

“Hyunjoong-ah,” a voice boomed at the other end, “Do you want to come out for a game? We’re at the usual place…”

“Oh, Junsu-ah, mianhae. I am kinda busy right now, I have to prepare the things I need for flying to Japan.” I lied, I didn’t really want to go out in this weather since it is a good idea to spend some time alone to think about things. The boy on the other side seemed disappointed, and I quickly added with a chuckle, “My treat to the pub when I come back, neh?”

“Araso, hyung. Have a safe trip!” I felt him smile at the other end as he hung up the call.

The whole room fell into sudden silence once again. I sat back on the light-colored couch and sighed, leaning back against the backrest that stood against the window. The melody from just now was still stuck in my head and I began humming to it, and eventually, started singing the song, whilst hearing the lyrics mixed with the sound of the rain.

I think of that song whenever it rains, and it just so happened, I will always think of him too.

“Youngsaeng…” I whispered in my lowest voice. That name… it’s the name I wanted to avoid most when I am alone; it’s the name that I have been yearning to call out most all these years.

I miss how this room used to be filled with his voice and laughter.
I miss how we used to share a room and sleep on one bed, telling each other our day before we drift off to dreamland.
I miss how I will dream of him.
I miss… those times we were close and together.

There’re no words to describe how badly I would want to go back to our trainee days, and the days when we are SS501. Whatever that is left now, there’s nothing besides the same loneliness which haunts me whenever I get home, alone.

I turned and checked the mini alarm clock on the bedside table, it is already one in the morning, I still couldn’t fall asleep. I didn’t really like blue color, but the alarm clock is blue in color, because Youngsaeng says he likes blue, and he would always complain about the number of red or black-colored things I have whenever he comes to my house.

“Hyung, your house is so dull, everything is either red or black.” He used to pout and tell me how he would have designed the interior if he were the owner.

I thought as my feet brought me to the living room, where the bar-counter stands alone at a corner. Memories flashed through my mind, it was as if yesterday where we were sitting at the stools, drinking out hearts out. Like me, he likes to drink, and I’d always have a huge collection of alcohols in my house to welcome him. I poured myself a glass of whiskey and took a gulp, savoring the entire taste as the liquid ran down my throat.

Ah, right now, they must be gathering somewhere in a pub now and drinking their hearts out. I sighed as I wiped out my phone and took one last glance at the messages.
Youngsaeng: Hey, Kyujong suggested meeting up for a drink this weekend, same place same time.

Jungmin: Hyung, you will be there later right?

Hyungjun: Hyunjoong hyung, are you coming? We are waiting for you.

Jungmin: Yah leader, did you see the messages? Reply if you do.
Kyujong: Hyung, Youngsaeng hyung is coming, will you be here?

Well, I didn’t gave them a reply.
To be exact, I didn’t know how to face them, especially Youngsaeng.

It was just three months ago when B2Ment decided that they wanted to sign on the rest of us so that they can give a SS501 comeback. The fans were excited, so were us, but I cruelly declined the offer while the other two has already signed the contract.

[Flashback]

“Hyunjoong hyung! When are you signing the contract with them? Jungminnie and I have signed it yesterday.” Hyungjun said cheerfully through the phone, I could clearly hear that the others are with him. They were laughing, and probably having a good time, “Yoboseyo? Hyunjoong hyung? Are you listening?”

“Uhm, neh,” I cleared my throat so that it wasn’t obvious that I am holding back my tears, “Junnie ah, get the hyungs on the phone.”

Actually, I wanted to hear Youngsaeng’s voice. I missed it a lot, to be honest.

“Neh, hyung.” Kyujong and Youngsaeng greeted me together, “What is it about? Why can’t the dongsaengs hear it?”

“Are the two still with you guys?” I checked.

“No, I told them to leave the room first.” Kyujong reassured me to voice out what is on my mind.

“Youngsaeng ah,” I paused, unsure of how I should begin my piece, “Promise me that you will be a good leader, neh? Kyujong, be sure to assist your Youngsaeng hyung, araso?”

“Wae? Did something happen?” Youngsaeng asked in a worried tone, I was glad that he was worried for me, “Why did you say this? Aren’t you the leader of SS501? Isn’t it your job to take care of the four of us and lead us?” He became more and more agitated, and I hear Kyujong trying to calm him down.

“I can’t sign to B2M.” I was trying hard to fight back my tears. I am on the verge of breaking down.

“Wae? Because you don’t want to leave Keyeast, because you want to be famous and recognized as a soloist and you don’t want to be SS501 anymore, am I right?” Jungmin screamed into the phone. I was shocked by his sudden appearance, but they have probably been eavesdropping on the conversation all along.

There was a huge commotion over at the other end as I could hear Kyujong pulling Jungmin away and Youngsaeng getting back on the phone, “Is that true? Whatever crap that the horse have just said?”

No it isn’t. Aniya, Youngsaeng ah, that isn’t true…
“Neh…” I gave him an one-word reply, I knew that I will break down if I spoke more.

I hear a long pause over the line and he took a deep breath, “Kurae? Kurae… Fine, I guess SS501 doesn’t need a leader like you.”

Youngsaeng hung up the phone before I can speak another word. I wanted to say something. I wanted to defend myself. But I wasn’t given a chance. Perhaps, I was the one who have hurt them enough.

[End of flashback]

They said they don’t need me anymore. I am a useless leader who can’t even fend for myself, let alone protect them. Maybe it’s time that they grow up and do things in their own way.

Lying on bed, I stared blankly at the ceiling. The wind has died down a little, but it is still drizzling. I grabbed the pillow next to me and hugged it close to my chest, the scent from him has long faded, perhaps just like his feelings for me.

No, wait. I can’t let that happen.

[End of Chp1]