_{^{1689 words for you <3}}

Myungsoo is someone to think about love a tad bit too often. But this is what makes him him. And being him is okay.

Sure, there are many people that are way better in everything he’s not but hey, he’s not perfect nor are they and that’s what keeps him going. And he wouldn’t give up. He likes to help others out and that alone makes him happy.

He gets told a lot that he’s nice to be with, good to talk to, cute and handsome. Though, he gives a damn about what people think of him. (And deep inside of him he knows that this isn’t true.)

One fine day, he thinks he feels content with how his life is going. He has a lot stuff to do, that’s a fact, but he has friends, a family and good grades.

This alone makes him happy.

And that’s where everything starts to become a big mess.

It’s months after his best friend gets herself a boyfriend. (She’s a nice girl to be with (more popular than him) and that she deserves someone to love her is out of question.)

Her (new) boyfriend is not really good-looking. But he has the best eye-smile he has ever seen. And he has a nice personality. That’s the most important thing. (For him at least.)

Though, he falls for his best friend at first. His name is Sungjong.

He doesn’t think this was possible because he doesn’t match with his ideal type. (And he always thinks he is straight.)

However, his beating heart, the blush creeping up his face and the stuttering that comes from nervousness is evidence enough. He has fallen in love.

It doesn’t last long, though. As soon as he confesses (through a text message because he’s not brave enough to say it face-to-face) the other just replies with ‘My brain says no, my heart says idk and down there says yes’.

He is more than upset.

He doesn’t know what to respond, so he just lets him be. And tells his other friends the ‘news’.

After contemplating what to do, he falls out of love (even though he really wanted to be that boy’s boyfriend).

Sungjong, on the other hand, has gotten interested in him because that cold attitude is cute.

After what seems like an eternity and a last text message with the words ‘Let’s be an item. I know you want it.’ he closes this chapter in his life.

“If I wouldn’t know better, I’d think you’re in love with her ex.”

They’re outside, it’s lunch break. And talking about Myungsoo’s love life is something they get addicted to. Somehow.

“What do you mean?” But the question is unnecessary. The stares of his two best friends (in this time) answer it right away.

“Ever since they broke up, you seem more interested in him.” Dongwoo (the eldest of them) states. “Did I just imagine you being an arse to him back then when they got together?”

He bites his lips, thinking.

It’s true, he did dislike the boy, taking away his time with his (former) best friend. It’s normal. Because he really treasures (did treasure) her and she is (was) something  precious to him.

But after the break-up something changes.

They change.

And they become friends.

Maybe more than friends.

Maybe not.

For him it’s a mystery. Because he never thinks of him in another way as of a friend.

“And isn’t he the one occupying your dreams these past few weeks?”

He eyes Howon. ‘That little !’

“But I already told you I don’t love him. We’re just friends.” And before Woohyun can say something (because that boy is always there to nag on him and his obliviousness) he raises his voice again, “They’re just dreams.”

“But dreams represent what you wish for.” It’s again Dongwoo that lectures him. “And I don’t think just friends dream of each other holding hands and pressing their lips together.”

It makes sense.

Of course it does.

But what can he do? He isn’t interested in Sunggyu. The only thing they do is texting each other. A lot. Nothing more (beside hugging each other when they greet and bid goodbye).

That’s what friends do, right?

“Dreams are weird. I mean, I dreamt being in a relationship with that girl, Park Myungeun, and I never spoke to her once. And with Gyu it’s normal skinship. Don’t think higher of it than it really is.”

​‘Why is this so difficult?’

He has other things to take care of. There isn’t time for a relationship.

‘There will never be time for love.’

​Life goes on like on any other day.

Though, Sunggyu hits on some girls. (And the reason ‘I fell in love with you at first sight.’ doesn’t work at all.)

But he gets into another relationship.

This time with a boy.

And it hurts Myungsoo.

He doesn’t get what is wrong with him. This pain is new.

He decides he doesn’t know anything.

​“You should stay away from him?”

Myungsoo knows his eldest friend is right.

“He’s not good enough for you.”

“I know.” He sighs. Love really doesn’t make sense at all.

‘Is it okay for me to feel like this?’

He wants to ask Dongwoo so bad but he can’t.

And he won’t.

​Myungsoo hates himself.

He hates the sight of the two together.

And he blames himself for this.

Because he plays the matchmaker for them on the day they spend the night together.

Onew is nice. (He forgets his real name after seeing them kissing.)

He’s kind and has a sweet but childish smile.

He’s everything Myungsoo isn’t.

‘Stop it. Think more about how to get your friend back!’

Weeks after the new couple is official, Sunggyu gets charged into the hospital. Nothing bad. (That’s what Sungyeol says and the boy is close to the elder.)

He worries about him but they weren’t friends anymore.

Somehow he doesn’t want to be Myungsoo’s friend. (And he understands him. Because who wants to be his friend anyway?)

And that’s the only reason he seems to find after thinking too much.

For a last try, he sends a text message to him, trying to tune out his beating heart.

• - You’re pretty stupid, y’know?
• + Why?
• - Because you didn’t answer my previous texts.
• + Ok.

Only then he realizes how much he missed the boy far away from him.

• - How are you feeling?
• + Just like .

And so they start to bond again.

​He gets information about the almost break-up of Sunggyu and Onew because the latter doesn’t show up for once.

Myungsoo feels bad, says he can go visit him but the other declines. And it’s better like this.

​One night, Sunggyu starts to text weird things.

​Things like ‘You’re y.’, ‘You’re cute.’ and ‘You’re handsome.’ and it confuses him but his heart betrays him, beating crazily at the words on his phone.

For a few minutes, he just smiles like an idiot at himself, his cheeks hotter than the blanket around his body.

And then his smile falters.

• + We should try it out.

​He doesn’t get it.

• - What?
• + You know what I mean.
• - No, I don’t.
• + Okay, forget it.

He tries to understand. But it doesn’t make sense.

• - Tell me. Please?
• + I mean trying out being an item.
• - What?

The next words make his heart skip too many beats.

‘Trying out being in a relationship.’

The next few hours everything stays still.

He doesn’t respond. (That’s a first. At least for him.)

On the next day in the morning it’s time and he asks if everything was just a joke and Sunggyu’s reply ‘If you want to think of it like that..’ makes him go insane.

What is he supposed to do?

Everything is over. Even before it starts.

Former friends leave his side, new friends try to help him and Myungsoo himself just doesn’t know if he really should say it out loud.

‘Nothing would change if I’d admit loving him.’

​In fact, it’ll cause a bigger mess.

​“Haha, that’s true.”

“Shut the up!”

He doesn’t think it is possible to tune out everything around you without listening to music. But he’s proved wrong and he’s not happy about it.

Because he can hear his heart breaking into pieces as it collides with the cold and black ground.

​Sunggyu’s words hall in his mind and his voice stabs millions of thorns into his bleeding soul.

He just wants to be friends again.

He just wants to be there for him.

He just wants to have him by his side.

But he knows it’s not right. And they don’t match. They’re too different.

And even though he knows this he can’t help but cry into Dongwoo’s embrace, letting the tears soak his shirt and shaking at his almost inaudible sobs echoing around him.

What isn’t meant to be should not even be tried.

He goes into college and leaves everything behind him. Even his friends. They weren’t real after all. (They stop being friends with him because he dislikes them.)

‘What a nice lie.’ he thinks. ‘If they'd have paid more attention to me they'd have known I'd give my everything for them.’

And he falls in love again. But he falls out of love quickly too.

There is this one day, he won’t forget.

​He takes the bus to get back to school.

He is sitting there all alone by himself and he doesn’t mind it. He’s too busy texting his ‘friends’.

The bus stops and new people come into his sight.

Just like him.

He doesn’t know what to think. So he doesn’t think at all and just smiles to himself while looking at the screen of his now buzzing phone.

Sunggyu spots him, glances at him a last time and then averts his gaze to his pregnant sister.

From the corner of his eyes, Myungsoo watches over the boy he still can’t forget.

​The boy gets out two stops before he needs to leave the bus.

​And this is the last time he sees him.