SORRY. 

I was thinking about him that day. Oh, wait. I am always thinking him.

But that day’s different. I dreamt of him as I sleep that night. I woke up smiling and that never left my face as I get ready for school. I didn’t check any of my SNS accounts and I went to school knowing nothing. I thought it would be like the usual. I’ll go to school, learn some interesting, boring and things I don’t even care about then go home, talk to my friends online and read some fanfics as I browse pictures of him.

But I was wrong.

The moment I opened my facebook account, some of the people online were talking about something that I don’t understand.

Who’s dating who? I asked myself as I scroll down and read their opinions and rants about the new couple that I don’t even know.

But then I stopped as my sight landed on a confirmed article.

‘CONFIRMED: Byun Baekhyun of EXO and SNSD’s leader Kim Taeyeon, dating for 4 months. The two started their relationship as a senior and junior and as label mates but—‘

I didn’t even get to finish reading it before my sight started becoming blurry. I touched my face and that was when I knew I’m crying. I laughed at myself as tears stream down my face. Wow, I didn’t expect this. I didn’t even see this coming.

How can this be happening? I’ve always thought that Baekhyun and Taeyeon can never be together. I thought that their relationship will stay as labelmates or a brother-and-sister bond. Never in my life that I saw them as a couple.

Yes, I was happy when I knew that Baekhyun liked Taeyeon. I always whenever I see them interact. I’m a SONE. It flattered me that my bias liked one my idols as well. I wanted BaekYeon to be real. I once said that if ever they become real, I’ll be glad. But now, I take everything back.

I’m anything but glad.

*****

School the next day was different.

I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t even talking anymore. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. But I can’t hate them. I can’t get myself to hate them. I may be in love with him, but I love Taeyeon as well. She’s one of my inspirations in life. Her voice, her looks, everything. I idolize her. I won’t let others say anything foul about her. She deserves to be treated right. The same goes for Baekhyun. Even though I felt like he lied to me, it’s not really his fault that we believed him – that we believed his promises.

I understand that they might’ve developed feelings for each other since they’re labelmates and they see each other often and they interact a lot, but why did they let others know it? Why now when we haven’t moved on from Kris’ issue? Why now when some SONEs are still hurting because of the other’s dating issues? Can you tell us why, Youngmin? Stop being a jerk and be reasonable.

As I walk to my classroom with red puffy eyes, my classmates looked at me weirdly. I know what they’re thinking. I know that they find me weird because I’m crying over someone I call ‘gay’. I know that they’re thinking why I cry over someone that doesn’t even know me. But I don’t care what they say.  I don’t care about they think of me. I’ll cry if I want to. I won’t talk if I don’t want to, and no one can stop me from doing so.

I know that somewhere in our school, someone feels the same way. I know someone is crying like me. I know someone felt like she or he was betrayed and lied to. I know someone’s heart was broken like mine.

I know someone’s crying because she knows that Byun Baekhyun isn’t gay.

“Yah, are you okay?” A friend of mine approached me, concern present in her eyes. I only gave her a sad smile but of course, she saw right through it. She sighed deeply and she patted my back. I couldn’t help but smile. At least someone understands me. At least someone know how much it hurts for me.

*****

How many are left? Four? Five?

How many of my goddesses are still single?

I sighed as I remembered how it started.

It was the first day of the year 2014. I woke up, thinking this year will be something great. But at the same day, I was proven wrong.

It was the day that SM Entertainment confirmed Yoona and Seunggi’s relationship. I don’t know what to say. My fingers were frozen as it hovered the article. I wanted to close it. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t see anything.

But no.  Reality sinks in to me.

One of my nine goddesses is now taken.

*****

Sooyoung was next with Kyungho.

*****

Hyoyeon’s break up with his boyfriend that I don’t even know about.

*****

Tiffany and Nichckun’s relationship for 4 months.

*****

Jessica and her denied relationship with someone named Tyler Kwon.

*****

I am a SONE. I love Taeyeon. I respect her. I spazz over her. I want to see her. I want to be able to embrace her or hold her hand.

Baekhyun. He’s once a fan. But now what? He’s dating her. He’ll be able to do all the things I wanted to do anytime he wants to.

I envy him.

I envy Taeyeon as well.

I’m in love with Byun Baekhyun. But Byun Baekhyun loves her. I’ll just smile and be happy even though I know that I’m dying inside. Call me immature and fake but I just can’t take it in yet.

Taeyeon. She said she was sorry. There’s nothing to apologize for. But yet, many people kept on hating her and some won’t stop leaving harsh comments on her Instagram account. I don’t get it. I’m not mad at her. Yes, I’m envious. But I don’t hate her. She doesn’t need to say sorry.

They’re only human beings. They fall in love. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Right?

*****

I need your explanation. I need to hear from you. I need to know what you have to say.

We need to know why so soon, Baek? We need to know why they say that Taeyeon was the only one who supported you when Kris left. We’re also there. We’re always there. We never left your side.

You’re fearless, Byun Baekhyun. So are we.

But we want to hear from you. Not from your company.

I know this isn’t right for me to say, but I honestly don’t trust SM anymore. I don’t know what they’re up to but I just wish that you’ll tell us the truth. No lies. Just the truth. Please.

*****

Did you cry? Were you hurt when some of your fans left because they weren’t strong enough?

Or were you hurt because your company’s scheme is slowly backfiring?

*****

I always find it funny.

Byun Taeyeon.

It’s already a joke in me. Whenever Tiffany calls Taeyeon ByunTaeyeon as a joke, I’ll tease you internally.

You must’ve been very happy, right?

But now, it makes me wonder. Do they know about your developing relationship since before? How long were we fooled by your sweetness and lies, Baek? How long?

*****

Believing too much is like suicide. When you believe a promise, you should be ready to get hurt. But if you want to play safe or you simply don’t want to get hurt, then don’t believe their promises. Don’t believe anything they say.

They may tell you they love you. But that doesn’t mean something deeper. They love you as a fan. They’re thankful that you’re there for them.

But you should know that you don’t know if they’re already telling that to someone in particular.

*****

Before, whenever I’m feeling down, I’ll just play one of your songs or watch you perform to hear your angelic voice, then in an instant, I’ll be fine.

But now, seeing you causes me pain. Isn’t it funny how much you gave me happiness but then you’re also the one taking it away from me?

*****

“It’s going to be okay.” They tell me with sad smile on their faces.  They’re trying to cheer me up. They want me to smile again. But I do. Well maybe not much like before. But I still smile.

It’s just that I know that nothing will change if I continue crying. I know that even if I cry a bucket of tears, he still wouldn’t know me. But if I smile, at least my friends will think I’m okay, at least they wouldn’t get hurt because of me. I don’t want to get them involved.

So I put on a mask and smile as I die inside slowly.

*****

Is it true? Is it just a scheme? Is this issue made just to divert our attention and forget about Kris?

Whatever the answer is, nothing will really change.

This issue just made me realize how far I am from him. I can never reach him. I might attend their concert, but it’s not like he’ll notice me. I know I’m degrading myself but I just want to face reality. I just don’t want to expect too much.

I’m sick and tired of expecting then being let down in the end.

*****

I stopped crying the next day but I didn’t stop caring.

I was hurt when many gave up on this fandom. But I understand. People call them weak. People refer to them as fake fans. People judge them just because they had enough.

But actually, we should salute them. Maybe they just need some rest. But it’s not their fault they’re tired of getting hurt. People have limits. We have limits. And maybe they reached theirs.

We have no right to judge them. We should thank them because they were once with us in supporting the boys. We should smile and comfort them because they managed to hold on until today.

*****

I smiled as I watch fanmade and compilation videos of ChanBaek’s moments together – oh, did I forgot to mention? I’m a ChanBaek shipper. I ship them so much to the point I wish they’ll be real – and I couldn’t help but be touched at how they wouldn’t let go of this OTP.

Maybe Baekhyun’s dating Taeyeon now, but ChanBaek will be forever in our hearts, just like how OT12 stays there.

*****

When I’m alone, it makes me think of things.

Do you know that they’re saying that you and Taeyeon did way more than kissing? I don’t believe them. But do you know how much the thought hurts me? It causes my heart to clench and pain won’t stop. I know someday, that’ll happen. But please, not so soon. I still need to recover from all that’s happening now.

But those people saying that you and Taeyeon will break up soon, it makes me mad as well. I was surprised about the issue, yes, but I don’t want you two to break up if you really love each other. Because if you break apart, you’ll get hurt. That will hurt me more than this.

*****

It not your fault just like how it’s not Taeyeon’s fault.

I respect your decision. I’m willing to accept anything. But I just want to tell you that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I trusted you so much. I’m sorry I believed your promises. I’m sorry that I was mad at you for lying. I want you to be happy. I want Taeyeon to be happy.

You say you’re fearless. You say you’re ironman. Then you can endure this. You can get pass this issue with the same rectangular smile on your face.

I won’t cry anymore. I ran out of tears. My eyes are tired, too.

But I’ll be right here.

I’ll be watching you and supporting you from afar until the very end.

Saranghae, Byun Baekhyun.

Kkaebsong.