I sat by my window tonight thinking of all the things and all the possible things that would have happened to us. But I guess there will be nothing for us.

I held my phone as I browse our photos; our only memory, our memories that would have been great moments. But now they’re just a waste of space inside my phone.

What exactly did happen to us? Oh wait, was there an ‘us’? I remember the time, the time we first met. That time when you came out of the blue, shaking my peaceful yet lonely world and turning my surroundings into colorful hues.

“Hi” you half-whispered with your oh so gentle yet cold voice. I looked up slowly trying to meet your face. Your handsome face. Those penetrating eyes, pointed nose, sweet and thin lips, and two dimples etched on your cheeks. I was like looking at a God disguised as a human being.

That wasn’t the end of our encounter. We sometimes run into each other unexpectedly. Wherever I go, there’s always you. There was this time that I thought I may be hallucinating, that maybe I’ve been thinking about you lately that’s why I’m seeing you wherever I go.

July 15^th 12:51 am. I heard some coughing noise outside my small apartment. I was scared so I grabbed a vase in case it’s a burglar trying to sneak inside. To my surprise there was you in front of my door, looking drunk and heart-broken.

I let you in shaking the negative thoughts I have in mind. I do not know you that much but somehow I’ve learn to trust you and only you. You told me the reason why you’re looking like that. I was right! You were heart-broken.

For the first time I felt sympathetic towards a guy, a guy like you. I wrapped my arms around your shoulder making you realize that I’m here and I will be here for you.

“It’s okay… I’m here for you.” I said feeling your pain. You held my hand and kissed it, causing me to freak out. That kiss, I can still feel it up to now.

Moments have passed and the cool, funny, gorgeous and energetic guy that I’ve known came back. I was so happy to see you in your normal state again. Finally you have managed to move on. I smiled in my head.

I was so happy lighting up the only hope I’m keeping about us. Will there be an ‘us’?

But things were not meant to work for both of us. I needed to stop, stop myself from falling and eventually get hurt.

I went away, away from you without even saying a word. I killed the ‘hope’ that I was lighting up. I shut you out. I know this is wrong but I need to do this. It’s for both of us. But there was never an ‘us’.

Years have passed and we haven’t heard of each other. There was a never a time that you never crossed my mind. I somehow missed you… a lot.

I have decided to come back. I finally realized that maybe we should give each other a chance. Maybe I should light up that ‘hope’ again. And I did.

I ran to a familiar face…again. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. You still have the same handsome face. Shock was evident in our faces as we contained ourselves. You gave me that smile, that smile you showed me when we first met.

“It’s been years…” you said as you turn you head left looking for someone. I looked over to where you were looking and saw a beautiful girl running happily towards you giving you a warm hug.

I averted my eyes to the both of you and was about to say I’ll be going when- “I’d like you to meet my fiancé…” you introduced proudly. I slowly turn my head to her and faked a smile. My heart felt like being torn into pieces. Then you both left.

I was wrong. I should have said it earlier. I should have let myself fall for you from the very start. Now here I am, alone.

 

***

 

I closed my phone’s gallery and went to my contacts and searched for your name. I wanted to call you. I wanted to say the things that I’ve been dying to say to you when we we’re still friends.

 

And so I called…

 

“Oh hey… what made you call?” you said as if you weren’t even expecting me to call.

“I just want to tell you something… before I leave, again.” I said hiding the pain in my voice.

 

You were silent… you didn’t utter another word. But I know you’re still there.

So I continued…

 

“I just wanted to apologize for leaving you. I intended to not let you know because I was pushing myself away from you. I was scared of totally falling for you and then get hurt.” I tried to say without buckling and stopping myself from crying.

 

Again, you didn’t say a word…

 

“I’m sorry…” I apologized.

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Huh? What does he mean by that? “Why are telling me all this, now?”

 

Now I’m lost at words. I don’t know what to say.

 

“I’m so sorry, but I guess you’re too late… I mean we’re too late-“

“I know… that’s why I’m saying all this just for you to know that…” my tears started to fall but I immediately wiped it with the back of my hand.

 

“I love you… Seunghyun. I love you.” That’s it my eyes are crying like a river.

 

I took the phone away from my ear not wanting you to hear that I’m crying right now. But I still need to hear from you so I contained myself and took the phone again.

 

“Hey are you still there? Are you okay?” you asked worriedly.

 

“Yes” I nodded

 

”Listen to me Hyo Joo… I loved you too. Please keep that in mind. I’m sorry.” You said as we finally decided to end the conversation.

 

I wished I just let you love me from the start. I wished I just let you know how I feel for you. I wished I was your girl.

Now all of those are nothing but a wish.

I love you, Seunghyun.