Not to Fall

Kyungsoo was just a fan. Jongin was a superstar.

 

Sometimes, Kyungsoo would ask himself one question that never gets answered.

 

Why is it so hard not to fall for Kim Jongin?

 

Every time that question popped in his head, he tries and tries to look for an answer but he found none. Maybe it's reasonable if Kim Jongin was someone Kyungsoo sees every day, if Jongin was someone Kyungsoo was able to touch and if Jongin even knew him. But no.

Kim Jongin was a superstar. He's the most popular star these days and Kyungsoo was just one of his millions of fans.

Funny right? Do Kyungsoo fell in love with someone he could never reach.

 

 

Kyungsoo is a normal high school student. He's not bullied. He have friends. Quite a lot of them, in fact. But he's not popular. He's an average student with a not-so-average dream. He wants to be able to meet Jongin. But that could never happen.

 

 

"Kyungsoo, are you listening?" Kyungsoo blinked several times, seeing Baekhyun waving his hand in front of him. He's thinking too much again and it was good that their teacher was not yet here, or else, he'll be dead.

 

"What? Huh? Are you saying something?" Baekhyun sighed. Kyungsoo was at it again. He's spacing out again and Baekhyun doesn't need to ask why.

 

"I am asking you if you want to come with me at a camping a few months from now and watch Chanyeol's band perform there and you're not listening because of Kim Jongin. Again." Kyungsoo definitely saw his friend frown and he was sure that Baekhyun emphasized the word 'again'. But he couldn't blame his friend. It was true anyway. Kim Jongin was the one always in his head. No else but him.

 

"Sorry, Baek. But yeah, I'll come with you. I'd love to be on an adventure and finally be able to see Chanyeol on stage." Kyungsoo said, trying his best to smile at Baekhyun who doesn't look convinced.

 

"Kyungsoo, are you in love with him?" Kyungsoo was thankful he wasn't drinking or eating anything because he might've choked if he was.

 

"Why are you suddenly asking me that?"

 

"Just answer me, Do Kyungsoo. Are you?" Baekhyun looked so serious. His eyebrow was raised and Kyungsoo's ability to speak vanished in an instant. All he could ever do was give Baekhyun a small and shy nod as an answer.

 

"Oh." That was the only think Baekhyun could say. He bit his lower lip and nodded in understanding.

 

 

*****

 

Kim Jongin.

Kim.

Jongin.

Saranghae Jongin.

Kim Kyungsoo ♡

 

 

Baekhyun sighed as he pick up Kyungsoo's notebook. He accidentally swiped it off the table and it landed on the floor, showing its back part. All Baekhyun saw was scribbled names of Jongin and Kyungsoo and some hearts all around each page.

This is getting worse. Baekhyun thought and he shook his head in disapproval.

 

*****

 

Kyungsoo was feeling down and Baekhyun can see it.

It started a week ago when Kyungsoo knew that Jongin will be having a concert and he couldn't go. There were a lot of reasons and Kyungsoo hated each of them.

He couldn't go because it was a school day. He couldn't go because his parents wouldn't let him. He couldn't go because he didn't save enough money. He couldn't go because no one will go with him.

He wasn't depressed and all but he's close to it. Each time he would see someone saying how he or she is excited about the upcoming concert, Kyungsoo would groan and frown all day. Baekhyun sure couldn't do anything about it. He tried to cheer his friend up. Heck, he tried to sing and dance one of Jongin's songs in front of him even though he looks like an idiot. But Kyungsoo would comment how Jongin would look while dancing that on stage during his concert. So Baekhyun stopped.

 

*****

 

It was the time where Kyungsoo and Baekhyun joined a camp that will last for a few days and Kyungsoo couldn't keep himself calm because he didn't know it was scheduled in these days.

The concert was days from now and Kyungsoo was hoping he could rely on the net for the videos and fancams and fantaken pictures but hell, now he's in a school camping that won't do him any good. Kyungsoo almost wished he didn't join the camp.

 

"You know I asked you to come here with me to have some fun. I asked you and you said yes. You should stop crying over a concert that you can't even go in. You should stop dreaming of Jongin noticing you because the chance is close to impossible." That was the last thing Baekhyun told him that week.

 

Baekhyun didn't speak to him the whole camp.

 

*****

 

Kyungsoo entered his room after he came home from camp with a frown on his face. But when a smiling face of Kim Jongin welcomed him, the frown was replaced with a wide grin in an instant.

 

"I missed you, Jongin-ah." Kyungsoo said smiling. No he isn't insane. He isn't crazy. He's just deeply and madly inlove to the point that he's talking to a poster.

 

"I wish I would know why I like you, no scratch that, I need to know why I love you. But I just... I can't explain what made me feel this way. I just love you so much that sometimes I wish I don't because it hurts. It ing hurts Jongin." He sighed, standing face to face to a poster with Jongin's smiling face.

 

"I think Baekhyun hates me now. He's my closest friend but I think he had enough." Kyungsoo didn't know there were tears streaming down his face that time.

 

"But Jongin, how can I not possibly fall for you if you keep on being cute and funny and adorable and irresistible and a lot more of things?" He sniffed and bit his lip, "Jongin, how can I not fall in love if you exist? Please, I need an answer."

 

Kyungsoo hugged his knees and cried himself to sleep.

 

He knows this is too much. He knows he shouldn't be feeling this way. He knows he should forget. He knows this is addiction. He knows what Baekhyun said was true.

 

 

But he just couldn't stop.

 

*****

 

"You don't love him Kyungsoo." Luhan stood just in front of him with a serious expression on his face.

Kyungsoo was just about to enter their classroom when Luhan walked up to him and told him those things. Kyungsoo just couldn't believe it. No one said anything for who knows how long until Chanyeol coughed from behind Luhan. That's when Kyungsoo had to courage to speak his mind...and heart.

 

"Why would you say that Luhan hyung? How can you say that? You don't even know what I feel." Kyungsoo wore a shocked expression while talking to Luhan. Chanyeol stood there, watching his two friends while doing nothing. He wanted to but Baekhyun held his sleeve and shook his head. This is their argument. Not ours. Chanyeol understood him. Besides, they do not need more attention than what they are already receiving from their classmates.

 

"I know what you feel Kyungsoo! I like Sehun so I know how hard it is. But damn, I don't love him! I don't even know him personally and I don't know if my feelings will change once I do meet him!"

 

"But we're different!" Everyone watching the two of them flinched when Kyungsoo shouted. "I love him. And you don't have the right to say that I don't because you don't even know what I feel."

 

 

Kyungsoo didn't talk to his friends the rest of the day.

 

*****

 

He cried. His mother asked him why but he didn't say a thing to her. Kyungsoo just ran into his room and he hid his crying face to his pillow.

After crying for almost half an hour, he sat on the edge of his bed and looked straight to Jongin's eyes.

 

"Why would they say that I don't love you?" Once again, Kyungsoo's not crazy. He's perfectly sane.

 

"If I don't love you then how would they explain all the emotions I feel? Why do I miss you when I shouldn't even be feeling that? Why are you always on my head? I can never get you out. Why do I smile at the simple mention of your name? Why am I willing to spend money just to be able to see you personally? Why do I want to be able to reach you when I know that I couldn't? Why do I dream of you? Why are you the only person I can see? Why do I love your laugh? Why does my heart beat fast each time you dance? Why do I love every single thing about you?"

 

"I love my friends but I don't know why they seemed against what I want. I simply wanted to see you. I know we won't able to be together. I know that and I accepted that fact already. I only wanted to see you but why is everyone against me?"

 

Kyungsoo cried again that night.

 

*****

 

Kyungsoo sat in front of his laptop. A lot of tabs were open and his fingers moved as fast as lightning as he save photos and download videos of Kim Jongin.

This is Kyungsoo's daily habit. Surfing the net and looking for the latest updates and photos of the person he loves. This is the only way he could ever feel close to him.

He would watch his interviews many times and laugh like the first time he did. He would watch his dance performances and be amazed like he had never seen him dance before. He would listen to his voice and smile without knowing.

 

Yeah, Do Kyungsoo is inlove. If this isn't love then what is it?

 

*****

 

"Kyung..." Baekhyun approached him at his table that lunch time. Kyungsoo unusually was sitting alone and he wasn't eating properly. He was acting like a brat and he was playing with his food. Baekhyun was worried and he choose to approach him after not talking to him for almost three days.

 

"Oh. Hi Baek." Kyungsoo smiled. Forced, Baekhyun thought. Kyungsoo seemed down and Baekhyun, for the first time, doesn't know why.

 

"What's wrong?" Baekhyun asked, taking the seat across Kyungsoo.

 

"Nothing. I'm just thinking about what everyone told me. About Jongin." Baekhyun froze. He doesn't want to talk about that. The topic was sensitive and it may affect their friendship so he's avoiding it as much as possible. He isn't against Kyungsoo's love but he doesn't want his friend to get hurt in the future.

 

"I think I should stop? Or if I can't, maybe I could try to lessen what I feel for him. Would it be better?"

 

Baekhyun didn't know if it was good or bad news.

 

*****

 

Kyungsoo wasn't able to lessen his love. He tried but he failed. Baekhyun understood him and he even started listening to Kyungsoo while he was blabbering things about Jongin. He started listening to some of Jongin's songs and he watches some of his performance. He did all of those for his friend.

 

After a week, Baekhyun knows all the basic information about Jongin, thanks to Kyungsoo's non-stop talking.

 

*****

 

Kyungsoo's world started falling apart.

 

It's happening. The thing he was most afraid of is happening. He thought he was prepared. He thought he could accept it when the time comes. He thought he has the heart to face this.

 

But he was wrong.

 

 

'Kim Jongin, dating a non-celebrity girl for almost 3 months.'

 

 

3 months.

 

3 ing months and yet he didn't even notice a thing.

 

 

It hurts like hell. He couldn't even explain what he feels properly. It was like his heart was being torn in half. He feel like his head is going to explode each time he sees a smiling face of Jongin. Was it because of that girl? Every time you smile, was it because of her? He knows he shouldn't be acting like this. He was just a nobody. He doesn't have the right to act like a jealous boyfriend.

 

He was just a fan and Jongin doesn't know he exists.

 

*****

 

It was hard for Baekhyun and all his friends.

Kyungsoo changed. Not a lot but the small changes he did was very very very noticeable. Even those he's not close with noticed how he doesn't smile as much as before, how the smiles he rarely shows doesn't reach his eyes, how he suddenly became quiet.

 

Kyungsoo was simply heartbroken and Baekhyun couldn't do anything about that.

 

This was the reality he was trying to protect Kyungsoo from. He knows this will happen soon enough. He knows when the time comes, even though Kyungsoo thought he was prepared, he would still cry. Baekhyun doesn't need anyone to tell him to know that Kyungsoo cried every night.

People would say he was over acting. Some would say he's insane. But Baekhyun thought different. He knows his friend was just hurt and the changes he's showing was quite normal for someone like him.

 

 

But when he decided to visit Kyungsoo one day, he couldn't help but smile. He honestly thought all the posters in Kyungsoo's room would be torn to pieces and the albums he bought would be in the trash can but he sighed in relief when he saw the change in his friend's room.

 

Instead of lessening, the number of posters doubled. There were also printed photos attached to the wall. The albums were neatly stacked on a rack. All of them dust free.

 

 

Kyungsoo was there, sitting in front of his laptop and earphones plugged in his ears. He was laughing and he didn't even notice Baekhyun's presence.

Baekhyun approached him and took a peek on what he was watching. It was Jongin's latest interview. Baekhyun was sure his relationship was mentioned there so he was surprised that Kyungsoo was watching it, and he's sure it was not for the first time.

Kyungsoo laughed again when Jongin danced playfully on cam and Baekhyun smiled again.

 

 

Kyungsoo really loves Jongin.

 

His love was pure. It was real that even though Jongin started dating someone else, he didn't stop supporting him. Kyungsoo loved him enough to be happy for him.

 

*****

 

"I love you!" Kyungsoo's heart rate doubled. The way those words came out of Jongin's mouth was flawless. It was like those words were meant to come out sooner or later. Kyungsoo could also hear the sincerity in his voice.

 

I love you, too.

 

 

"I love each and every one of you." Then Jongin smiles and Kyungsoo's heart aches again.

 

 

He’s used to this. So why does it still hurt?