Retrouvailles

[French. meaning: rediscovery]] The joy of reuniting with someone after a long separation

It is somewhere between autumn and winter, the cold air breeze and he can't be thankful enough of his wife for her knitted sweater he is wearing. He knows precisely it takes 1 month for her to finishes the sweater, exactly the amount of days of his wife being in the hospital. The wind messes his gray hair but he could care less, the younger version of himself probably would though. The young days, oh how much he missed it.

He missed the bright lights, the flash lights from the camera, girls screaming for an encore, even those full color skinny jeans. Their group, SHINee was one of the most well-known groups in the world and up until now, he is proud being one of them. Speaking of SHINee, he also missed the members. Especially that special one, his special one.

Fate.

They made people believe it's all because of fate that they had to be apart. People then blamed it on fate. He doesn't though, he knows it is more than just fate that tore them apart, it is his greediness. That special one, he wanted him for himself. His special one too, he wanted him as well. But when they knew about it, they tore them apart.

Then his special one slipped away, when he was standing at the altar, vowing to spend the rest of his life with her, with the one his parents chose for him, his wife.

Later on, he found out that his special one was in a relationship with, ironically, another member of their former group. He wished them a happy life, even though he knew his special one would be happier if it was him standing by his side.

"Sir?" A voice brings him back from his memories. He doesn't even remember how he got into this bus. He tilted his head "is this seat taken?"

He shakes his head "no" and offers the young man in front of him a small smile. "Thank you" the boy says. "I think I l know you sir, you're from that old group right?" That boy's eyes scanning his face. He is stiffened for a while because it's not usual for a young people to know him.

"Old group?" They are not that old, he thinks

"SHINee!!! My mom loves you! You were the leader right? O--"

"Onew" he completes. "But call me Jinki, it's me now. Onew, he's gone years ago"

"Yes! Mind to take picture? My mom would be super jealous" Jinki laughs, when was the last time he was asked for a picture anyway?

"Yes"

It is weird for Jinki to be recognized by other people he meets on the street by now, and it still kind of funny by the fact that back then he wasn’t allowed to take pictures with strangers he met on the street.  It still weird, mainly because, the once so bright face and covered with make ups is now covered with wrinkles. His used to be brunette hair is now gray. Whenever he tells his wife about the fact that people recognized him in the street despite the slight lines on his temple and the gray hair, she would always give the same reaction "of course they know you, you are Lee Jinki! You have the brightest smile in the whole world"

Jinki doesn’t think that way though, he still thinks his special one is the one who has the brightest smile in the whole world. Nothing compares to the row of pearly white whenever he smile and his puppy eyes...

"Jonghyun?" He finds himself blurting out the name he hasn’t said since the many many years ago.

For the first time since the last 20 years, Jinki sees him again. The one, who has the brightest smile in the whole world, is right there in front of him. Jonghyun, his special one just entering the bus and takes a sit few seats before his. Despite the wrinkles and the thick glasses, the look on the younger man is still the same one as Jinki always remember. The happy puppy with silver hair and two big bright eyes.

The young man who is sitting beside him, is too immersed by his gadget that Jinki lost track to keeping up with. Jinki makes sure that the young man doesn’t recognize Jonghyun, he doesn’t want Jonghyun knows that he is there in the same bus as he is. So he stays still, trying to keep his mind busy with other stuffs. Like what kind of flowers he should buy his wife, even though he already knows he would buy sunflowers eventually. His wife loves sunflowers. His wife has a really different taste from everybody else. Then something struck him, his special one loves sunflowers as well.

“Hyung, I love sunflowers”

“why?”

“I think they are the most faithful flowers ever. I love how they always beaming towards the sun, it’s like they only look at the sun. Like me, I will always look at you. I am the sunflower and you’re my sun”

“Jinki, are you crying?” the young man says worriedly, his face shows his concern towards the old man. Jinki wipes his tears hurriedly and shakes his head. Obviously lying, but the young man lets it go. “Jinki, I’m getting off on the next stop. But, I have a question though”

“ask away” Jinki retorts, a little bit curious.

“even though my mom never really said it but, I am sure she would want to know this. Jinki, you’re happy right?” The young man specifically emphasized the word happy.

Jinki is a little taken aback by the question, Is he happy? He has a loving wife, 2 amazing children, three soon to be four grandchildren, he lives in the nice house and he is healthier from most of people in his age. He should be happy right? He has everything every single human being wants to. But somehow, there’s still a hole on his heart and sadly no one could fixed it nor fill it. But he’s happy, right? “Yes” Jinki finally says, he can see a smile tugs on the young man’s face

“Good. My mom would love to hear that! Oh I’m getting off now, thank you for the picture!”

“tell your mom I say hi, okay?”

“will do!” The young man bids him goodbye and gets of the bus.

Jinki’s destination is still few stop away, it would take an hour without the traffic, make it to 2 hours because it’s busy hour on Seoul. The amount of time makes Jinki desperate, he doesn’t know if he should go approaching Jonghyun or he should just stay still and let his heart be unfixed forever.

In the end, when he finally makes his decision, his legs move faster than they usually are. In the matter of second, Jinki finds himself standing beside Jonghyun’s seat, he tries to back away for a split second before..

“Jinki? Jinki hyung?” Jonghyun calls and Jinki immediately turned around to face the man.

"J-jonghyun...I- if you don't want to talk to me it's okay but-" Jinki stutters, all the preparations and the words he already planned to say are long gone.

"Hyung, sit down" Jonghyun pats the empty seat beside him inviting Jinki to sit.

Jinki complied and sits on the empty seat beside Jonghyun's. Jinki realizes, the younger man always brings out the old feeling come back again. Fluttering heart and that feeling when you feel like falling from the highest tower fearlessly because you know someone would catch you. Jinki doesn't know if it's okay to feel like that towards the other man when he is on his way to meet his wife. He blames it on Jonghyun for it.

"Your hair didn’t change much, since the last time I saw you” Jinki starts, trying not to stutter. He's 60, he shouldn't be stuttering in front of someone's younger than him.

Jonghyun chuckles "your jokes never get any better, hyung"

Jinki studies Jonghyun more intensely, beside his voice that sounds a little bit hoarser, he notices the once so bright eyes are now dim. It's almost eerie to see it, Jinki thinks.

"How's life, hyung?" Jonghyun asks.

Jinki thinks for a second and says "Fine, I think" as he looks at Jonghyun closely. He thinks, because he still isn't sure what kind of word that fits his situation.

The younger man adjusts his thick eyeglasses "I heard about your wife. Hang in there hyung, and always be there for her" Jonghyun says wisely.

"I will" Jinki makes sure it is a promise and not a just-saying.

Just like what he predicted, they are stuck in the traffic. Jinki can hear Jonghyun's deep sigh.

"Where are you going Jonghyun?" He asks, not missing the way Jonghyun tensed immediately.

Jonghyun smiles dreamily "to see Kibum. I haven't seen him in a while" he states the smile never leaves his lips.

Jinki remembered how the latter's smile would make his stomach churned, and up until now it still is.

"I miss us" Jinki blurts out, he cursed himself for saying such an inappropriate things. He can hear Jonghyun gasps as his body tensed. And the stares, Jinki could feel the burning stare the younger send to him. "I miss you, Jonghyun. And I know you must be hated me for chickened out back then and I'm sorry for that. I know what I did is unforgivable, I don’t expect you to forgive me either but I could not..." Jinki stops for a moment and looks at the man beside him; his lips slightly trembled and Jinki can see the other guy's struggle to fight his tears. He cups Jonghyun's cheeks tenderly "I could not live with the idea of not being with you, Jonghyun. all this time, I always think I'm happy but right here at this moment you make me incomplete all of a sudden"

"Hyung, you can't. We can't. You have a wife! she needs you now more than anyone else. And me, I love Kibum, he's my world"

"Yes you're right. I'm sorry. I know I- I should've never said it at the first place. I'm sorry" Jinki says still maintaining his voice along the way.

The traffic gotten worse and worse as years gone by, Jinki thinks. People at his young days assumed there would be some short off hovercraft or something to avoid the future human being from traffic but to have hovercraft as public transportation is still a dream. It's funny though, because he did imagine about living together with Jonghyun and spend the rest of his life with him back then, but everything turns out to the exact opposite. It's still a dream, for Jinki.

There's this saying, "old habit die hard" and Jinki himself has one. Jinki loves to stare at Jonghyun's hand, imagining how the space between his fingers would fit to Jonghyun's. sometimes, he would get to immersed by it that he forget the world around him.

On the old days, Jonghyun would take Jinki's hand and laced his hand around Jinki's as he gave the older boy his signature smile, it is the best way to bring Jinki back to reality. They would hold hand as Jonghyun played with the ring on Jinki's fingers that he gave for his birthday. It wasn't worth much money but precious enough to remind Jinki that there was someone who loved him whole heartedly.

The present day, Jonghyun hurriedly moves his hands pretending to adjust his glasses position and Jinki immediately averted his gaze. His eyes wander at anything but Jonghyun.

"So, how's your wife? Taemin told about her but how is she?" Jonghyun breaks the tension.

"She's the strongest woman I have ever met. But still, it hurts me to see her in much pain" Jinki chokes on each words.

Then, Jonghyun's wall breaks down as he takes Jinki's hand and it soothingly, just like the old days. Jonghyun's hands aren't as soft as Jinki remember, but the warm it sends to his heart is always there.

Jinki smiles in return, because what else he could do. There is something about Jonghyun that can turn Jinki's world upside down yet he’s the only one who can fix it at the same time. Even after their skin aged as time goes by, even after the ups and downs in life, nothing can compare the comfort each other share.

The bus's wheels roll too slow, usually Jinki would hate it but now with Jonghyun on his arms he wish the time would stay precisely as it. Jinki can't hold the urge and rests his head on Jonghyun's shoulder, as he grasps Jonghyun's hand a little tighter.

Jonghyun doesn't refuse nor agree, but he stays still. He doesn't know what he supposed to do with Jinki in his shoulder and the grasp is a little bit tighter. The sting feels on his eyes blurs his vision, he hurriedly wipes the stray tears away before Jinki notice it.

"Jonghyun," Jinki calls "how did you feel when Kibum...left?"

"He never left me silly, well he went to better place but I feel like he's always here" Jonghyun retorts, trying to sound as calm as the topic doesn't break him even more that time "But you know, I was terrified when they told me they couldn't save him. I was terrified with the whole idea of being alone, it sounds a little bit greedy but I had this images of living all alone without him waking up next to me before he left and I don't hate those images i hate being all alone. But then I realized, that was probably for the best, he finally free from his sick body. I hate to see him in pain, so I know how you feel right now."

A pair of arms making their way to Jonghyun's waist, he gives up and breaks down on Jinki's chest. The last time he broke down like that, it was on Kibum's funeral, he locked himself on his room for days and didn't let anyone to comfort him. No one could ever fix his broken heart anyway. Not even Taemin who stopped by every day making sure the older boy eat his meal. Not even Minho who kept assuring him everything was going to be okay even though everybody could see it wasn't. There were times Jinki crossed his mind but he let it slid as his tears fell on his cheeks.

“But he’s always here, with me. he is watching me, I know it, I know it” Jonghyun says between his tears

Up until now, Jinki still blames himself for not being there when the latter needed him. He was outside the country for his wife's first attempt of medication when he heard the news. For a whole day that day, Jinki cried on his wife's embrace. His wife had told him to go back to Korea to comfort Jonghyun, as friends. Of course he knew he was going to comfort Jonghyun more than just as friends but he couldn't just say that to his wife. So instead, he said he wanted to be his wife's side every step of the way.

And up until now, he regrets it.

The bus is rather empty, only 4 rows are occupied. Despite the loud honks other car make, Jonghyun and Jinki feel calm and peace in each other's arms. Jonghyun rests his head on Jinki's shoulder as he draws circles on the older man's thigh. It used to ticklish for Jinki but he got used to Jonghyun's touch, but it doesn’t mean it loses the sparks on every single touch.

"Jonghyun"

"Hmm"

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid, she would leave me and I will be on my own" Jinki states and jonghyun can notice the wary notes on his voice.

"No you won't, I'll be there for you. In every step of the way. I promise, I will cherish you for the rest of my life, even beyond that. But until then, you have to take care of her, be strong for her like she always does for you. Don't ever let her down, I once let Kibum down and I still hate myself for that" Jonghyun tries to sound as tough and reliable as possible, he doesn't even need to try because Jinki would believe him anyway.

On the outside, the cold wind breezes but Jinki feels warm inside. He smiles through the thought of the younger man existence is the reason of the sudden warmness in his heart. It's cliché, but he does feel that way.

A half and an hour later, the road is still crowded but isn't as crowded as before. They are too absorbed in the conversation to even notice it. They talk about the whole thing they could possibly talk, about the new medication Jinki's wife is taking. The fact that Jonghyun is still making music and Minho's grandson is on the national team for junior soccer team. Or about Taemin's grandson who is going to debut as an idol, even Jonghyun's annoyance of the lack of young people knowing SHINee's existence on the old days which Jinki finds really adorable. Really adorable.

Then, it is Jonghyun who notices it first.

"Hyung, I'm off on the next stop" Jonghyun announces. Jinki can't hide his disappointments.

"But, we'll meet right?" Jinki chokes in each word.

Not bother answering, Jonghyun cups Jinki's cheeks and placed sweet pecks on both cheeks before kissing Jinki's temple. Jonghyun kisses him tenderly, chastely, and whole heartedly like his life depends on it. Jinki still smells like vanilla and love to Jonghyun.

Jinki smiles "I'll take that as a yes" he knows he is blushing by the way Jonghyun chuckles teasingly.

The bus stop right where on Jonghyun supposed to get off. He stands up from his seat followed by Jinki to give him some space to move between the seats and of course, to give one another hug they can't get over.

"Bye Jinki hyung, it is nice to see you again" Jonghyun says "take care hyung!" Jonghyun waves his hand to Jinki rather cheerfully and it reminds him of a younger version of themselves.

The bus wheels rolls on the busy road again and Jinki is too happy that he almost missed his stop.

Hi! Thank you for being so incredibly patient!!!! I have some confession to make, 1^st this was supposed to be an onkey story but then I think jongyu would be cute so yeah this happened. 2^nd, I had this idea since forever. It came to me when I was taking a bus to go home from college and there was an old lady getting on the bus and she took a seat beside an old guy and they seemed to know each other very well yet they seemed so far, you know. but the look on their faces were so precious, and I don’t know what kind of relationship they had but this story is inspired by them.

AHHHHHHHHH I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M UPDATING IN TIME LIKE THIS L  Jinki ya, get well soon okay. Next time, don’t be too hard on yourself. I love you!