I let the rain drench me, hoping that it will get me sick enough to die. My eyes feel dull and my face blank but my heart held so much heavy emotions, I didn’t know how to let them out anymore. I did nothing but look at Jinri’s grave as if that’ll make her come back to life.

   It was my fault, everything was my fault. If I knew this was coming, I could have prevented it. But I was too blinded by the fact that hey, I’m going to see her again. Why not make that day something special? Of course, if my friends and I made White Day special for Jinri, chances are she couldn’t help but feel overwhelming emotions and of course, overwhelming emotions lead to triggering an attack. Unfortunately, that’s what exactly happened.

   I couldn’t erase the pain I felt when Jinri suddenly felt heavy in my arms that day. She had lost consciousness, or at least that’s what I hoped for: just lost consciousness. The medics rushed to get her and we all followed to the emergency room but we couldn’t go beyond the door. All twelve of us plus Taemin, Eomonim, and instructor Hwang-ssaem, crowded the hallways. Baekhyun was quietly crying while Chanyeol was trying to comfort him despite having his own breakdown. Sehun shook his legs uncontrollably from impatience, rubbing his face in frustration from time to time. I kept walking back and forth, chewing on my bottom lip because , Jinri needs to live. Eomonim who was in Taemin’s arms was crying too. It would have been funny because Hwang-ssaem was awkwardly wanting to be the one comforting the lady had it not been because of the situation.

   The silence was deafening despite a few sobs here and there. Everyone was tensed. Some of my friends—even I—were also praying as if they haven’t prayed their whole life. We wanted nothing more than for Jinri to be safe, that’s all.

   A doctor came out and the look painted on his face was obviously delivering nothing but bad news. “Any relatives of the girl here?”

   “I’m the mother..” Eomonim weakly said, looking up with a tears-strained face.

   The doctor’s silence and a shake of his head were what sent everyone’s world crumbing down. The “I’m sorry” that came right after didn’t even help.

   Eomonim fainted.

   I would have charged on the doctor had Yifan-hyung and Joonmyeon-hyung not quickly held both my arms to stop me. I was yelling, “What kind of a doctor are you?!” “Why couldn’t you save her?!” But even that didn’t make things any better.

   I just fell on my knees and cried.

   Everything happened so fast. I’ve got so much to tell you, Jinri; I’ve got so much to confess.

   Remember the park we always go to? My house is just a walking distance away from there but I always make sure you go down to your stop safely before I go back to mine.

   Remember how I brought you there for the first time? That’s because you looked so sad about letting go of the balloon, I wanted to make you happy.

   Remember when I sent you off alone? You were in a hurry back then because you wanted to bake everyone a cake. I’m sorry I let my annoyance out on you but you never knew that I rode the same bus as you just to see you off safe on your stop.

   Remember how I brought you to the mall first thing the day after Valentine’s Day? That’s because I wanted to show you the mall’s decorations. I knew you were going to like them.

   Remember when I agreed to go with Taemin and Soojung? We could have left them but I knew you haven’t seen Taemin for ages and I wanted you to at least get to hang out with him even though I wanted to spend the whole day with you. It’s alright, I was able to stay the night in your house and hang out with you the next day anyway.

   Remember how I asked more about your bucket list? That’s because I wanted to fulfill them. I wanted to do them with and for you just as how you wrote them while thinking of me.

   Remember how I refused to share ice cream with you? That’s because I knew I was going to get an indirect kiss from you and you were so innocent about it, I just couldn’t.

   Remember how I leaned closer towards you the time when we were on the tent? You were trying to tickle me but I won. And that time, I badly wanted to kiss you.

   Remember when you sent me our selca? I made it my phone’s wallpaper because as embarrassing as it sounds, I thought we looked cute together.

   Remember the time you brought me at the chicken restaurant? The waiter said everything was free. Actually, I paid for it without you knowing. How? I talked to the annoying waitress after I’ve gone to the restroom.

   Remember when I took the key of your padlock back at the Namsan Tower? You wanted to keep it but I’ve got another thing in mind. I wanted an exchange but I wasn’t able to give my key back to you though.. together with the promise ring you’ve always wanted to have. I had them together on a necklace. I wanted to give it to you once you wake up but..

   Remember when we were dancing under the rain and I asked you what would happen if I broke my promise? You ran and I badly wanted to chase after you and hug you tight and never let you go because I felt like I’d lose you if I don’t but I was scared that you’d start hating me for it.

   Remember when I asked you if you were the girl back at the dance studio? I never told you but that’s the reason why I took a liking on Soojung. I thought all along that it was her but when I heard you sing with Taemin, I started doubting. Was Soojung the girl I heard and saw singing outside the studio? Then I saw your pictures of back when you still have your long hair. That time, I knew I was having feelings for the wrong girl. It was you. I didn’t break my promise, Jinri. I had feelings for you way before you asked me the favor. I was just too blinded to see the truth. And if you didn’t come to my life, I would have never even known.

   Remember when you fell unconscious in my arms? You never knew how much it hurt me. I never knew that that time, that precise time, you were dying. Why did you ever keep your condition from me, Jinri? I could have taken care of you. Why were you so cheerful? So carefree? I couldn’t blame you because you were so good at pretending you were alright. I didn’t see it coming. You were sick but you covered it by being positive, by bringing smiles and happiness to other people, by giggling at the small and simple things because they make you happy. But why, Jinri?

   Why?

   I let my knees fall on the grass and my hands fisted.

   “I have a favor to ask you.. Please date me.”

   I remembered coming across one of Jinri’s notebooks inside her hospital room while Sehun and I helped Eomonim fix her belongings. It was entitled “Bucketlist: Live, Laugh, Love.” I read it and what was written there were the things we did and the things she felt from when we met until she was confined. It made me cry.

   It started with “Day One” when she asked me a favor to date her. I was too cold to her back then. I am annoyed by even merely her presence for no reason. But when I got the chance to know her, she wasn’t so bad. She wrote how happy she was when she finally had the opportunity to be with me. She was happy when I defended her from the waitress by saying she’s my girlfriend. She was happy when I gave her a balloon. She was happy when we ate ice cream together and hung out at the park. She was happy when I let her use my stomach as a pillow. She was happy when I played with her hair. She was happy when I texted and greeted her “Happy Valentine’s Day.” She was happy when I asked her if she can extend her curfew. She was happy when I brought her to Central Seoul. She was happy when we had our padlocks locked in the Namsan Tower. She was happy when she shared some of her bucket list with me. She was happy when we held hands. She was happy when we slept together inside the tent. She was happy when I hugged her and how she hoped we were real..

   Jinri was happy when we took our very first selca. She was happy when we rode the bicycle. She was happy when we danced under the rain.

   Her “happy” entries stopped at Day Thirty-two, February 20, 2014. That was the day she ran away from me.

Day Forty-one ; March 1, 2014

   It’s Saturday. I’ve been here in the hospital for a week now. Minho-oppa confiscated my phone. I wonder how Jongin-ssi is doing. I miss him so much. Is he also thinking about me? Is he mad? I hope he isn’t. I got sick so I wasn’t able to write. By sick meaning an attack triggered right after I reached home two Thursdays ago. My mom saw how drenched I was and got mad. “You know you’re not supposed to stay under the rain!” She yelled. I just don’t get why they get mad when I do something I want. They’re the ones who told me that I can do whatever I want that makes me happy. - ^ - I just told her I forgot my umbrella. I don’t want to bring Jongin-ssi into this because I can tell that mom really likes him. I feel bad for leaving Jongin-ssi though but that’s because I knew an attack was coming and I didn’t want to risk being seen by him. :( And I guess I was just shocked at the questions he asked me. Don’t worry, it wasn’t because of him why I got an attack. It was the rain.

   That isn’t also the reason why I’m confined again. Last Saturday, I was with Chanyeol. I think I ate too much ice cream. I’m not supposed to eat ice cream, or any sweets at that. But hey! I love ice cream and they said I can do what makes me happy so I ate. Because ice cream makes me happy. It wasn’t Chanyeol’s fault either. He didn’t know anything. And maybe it’s because a day of rest at home wasn’t enough, that’s why. Haha, if Jongin-ssi knew, I swear he’ll nag. ^ ^

   I’m getting frequent attacks. Blame the hospital. I hate being confined. :( It’s what makes me the weakest. It hurts so much. I hate to write this but I can tell that I’m able to count my days already. It’s almost my time. ^ ^ So I’ll make the most out of it. ♡ I’ll show everyone I’m happy because I want to be happy. Too bad my powerful source of happiness isn’t here. He doesn’t know I’m suffering from a heart disease. But I guess it’s better that way. :) Jongin-ssi doesn’t have to suffer with me. He doesn’t deserve it.

Day Forty- six ; March 6, 2014

   It’s Thursday. ^ ^ Taemin-oppa asked me two days ago if Jongin-ssi knew about my condition and asked me what I’m planning to do when I answered him no. I told him, “I was able to keep quiet before. I can do that again.” but what he said really scared me. He said Jongin-ssi will eventually know; that he’ll find out even before I step out of the hospital. :( “It’s a possible truth. You can’t always hide.” He said and he gave me a lecture about putting himself on Jongin-ssi’s position and Soojung-ah on mine; that he’ll find a way to see her. Will Jongin-ssi really do that for me? It’s a sweet thought but it scares me. What is he going to think once he finds out I’m a very sick girl? Then Soojung told me that she can tell that Jongin-ssi’s desperate to know where I am.

Day Fifty-one ; March 11, 2014

   It’s Tuesday. Jongdae-ssi and Baekhyun-ssi are very good investigators. Who knew they’d actually follow Sehun-ah and Chanyeol-ah at the hospital? It’s very funny. :) Their first “visit” was yesterday. I wonder if Jongin-ssi ever thought of that? Following Sehun-ah and Chanyeol-ah around, haha! ^ ^ I miss him so much. :( Minho-oppa’s still not giving my phone back. - ^ - I hate him so much. Bad, bad, bad! I hope Jongin-ssi’s doing alright. But I guess no communication, the better. :) He’ll be fine.

Day Fifty-four ; March 14, 2014

   It’s past one in the morning. I woke up. No one’s here. What happened? Oh yeah, I had an attack earlier. Jongin-ssi found out. He was here. Mom brought him here. :( I’m scared. What did he think? Does he hate me now? I dreaded this day.. My heart hurts. I think I subconsciously heard Doctor Jeon tell everyone that what had happened had greatly affected my heart. I was supposed to be discharged by tomorrow or on Sunday but “due to unexpected events”, I had to stay looooonger. Aish, mom. Thanks a lot. :( Jongin-ssi.. When he saw me, he ran away. I don’t know if he came back though. He looked so pained.. Jongin-ssi, mianhae.. Jeongmal mianhae.

   I don’t know why but I feel like writing everything right now so please bear with me. :’) I’m not going to stay any longer, I can feel it. Do you know why I asked Jongin-ssi a favor to date me? It’s because I know it’s not going to be real. We’re not going to be together. There won’t be any “us.” It’s better that way. Jongin would be able to move on because I wasn’t real. Questions like: “Would he leave me if he finds out I’m sick?” or “Would he treat me any different if he knew?” always floated in my mind. I didn’t want him to know my condition because I wanted him to stay true to himself. I wanted him to show me who he really is. I don’t want to see him care for me just because I’m sick. I don’t want him to be “kind” to me because I’m weak. I don’t want him to feel obliged. Jongin-ssi wasn’t really the nicest when we met, I have to be honest with that. ^ ^ He was really cold to me back then but I was really determined. I just wanted to show him that I love him, that’s all. But if he had known my condition, would he still act that way? I don’t think so. :)

   I want to love the Jongin I see and not the Jongin he becomes if he knew in the first place that I’m sick.

   The whole two months we were together were the happiest. ^ ^ Time flew by so fast. Jongin-ssi told me before that it’s because I was having fun. And that’s why I’m scared of time as well. The faster the time flies, the nearer I—No, think happy thoughts! ♡ Anyway. :D Those two months felt like years, you know? I guess that’s a good thing. ^ ^ Jongin-ssi made me feel like I’ve lived for so long. Before getting the courage of approaching him, I just.. wanted my life to end sooner because I was such a weak child, I just don’t want to live anymore. But when Doctor Jeon said it’s going to be best for a patient like me to do things that make me happy, I found the chance. Within two months, I was able to fulfill three important things from my bucket list.

   I was able to live.

   I was able to laugh.

   I was able to love.

   All thanks to Kim Jongin.

   Too bad all will be too late if we don’t find a heart donor for me. Just when I wanted to live longer, the ticking of my clock sounded louder.

There was a ripped part in between and then:

   Aish, enough negative thoughts, Choi Jinri! If there’s a will, there’s a way! ♡ You’ll be able to live, laugh, and love again.. this time together with Kim Jongin. <3 Just believe, fighting!

I felt the rain stop and when I looked up, Jinri’s brother was there, shielding me from the painful drops with his umbrella.

   “Hyungnim,” I mumbled.

   “Hey,” Minho-hyung smiled a little and squatted down beside me. He carefully placed a bouquet of flowers on top of Jinri’s grave and said, “How long have you been here? You might get sick,”

   “Exactly what I’m doing..” I unintentionally spoke in a monotonous tone.

   “Jinri’s going to be upset if you do that.” Minho-hyung shook his head, “and your mom. You said so yourself, she’s a health freak.”

   “Please,” I rolled my eyes.

   Minho-hyung chuckled. He stayed quiet for awhile and said, “I found the missing piece.”

   I looked at him, ignoring the droplets from my hair. “Missing piece?”

   Minho-hyung took something from his pocket and gave it to me. It was folded and it looked like it was ripped from somewhere.

   I furrowed my eyebrows and hesitatingly unfolded it.

   Jinri’s handwriting greeted me and what it said made the tears spill from my eyes. It was that ripped part from her notebook:

   Jongin-ssi, can I ask another favor from you? It’s something very important but it’s going to be the last from me. :) I won’t be able to do this anymore so would you please please please live, laugh, and love for me? ^ ^ Wait, don’t do this for me. Do this for yourself. It’ll make me happy. ♡ And this is the last favor, I promise.

Relax and breathe! This is just the Alternative Ending. Click to continue.