Luhan thought what he did was right. He came back from London in high spirits, feeling like he had just accomplished everything he had dreamt of and after a long while, he felt optimistic about the future.  He tried his best to respond to close friends and family about his condition and assured them he would be fine. He told his parents he would still go on and that he was okay.

                Nothing, in terms of work, has changed much. He was still rehearsing, conducting interviews and going ahead with planned TV recordings and travelling a lot. He had officially started promoting under his own name, Luhan, making him a solo star now. The media was confused as to whether to refer to him as Luhan or Luhan from BxL. It started with someone introducing him as just plain Luhan, and the rest of them followed suit.

                He tried his best to not show his emotions when he was around people, but truth be told it was not as easy as expected. He had a dorm to himself, which is awkwardly empty. There was no one to come home to, which is why he would prefer to crash in Sehun’s place.  No warming up partner, no dance partner, no laughs, no slaps, no random pokes and coffee dates. He missed Baekhyun more than he had anticipated, and he was still very angry at him.

                A few days after he came back from London, Luhan went back to rehearsal again. The back up dancers smiled at him politely before joining him in practice. It was what happened during break that mattered.

                “I miss Baekhyun. Practice is no fun without him.” One of the female dancers said. Luhan was at the far corner, pretending to be knocked out when he could really hear everything.

                “Why should you? He’s the one who dumped us.” One of them answered her

                “He didn’t dump us.” She said defensively.

                “Yes he did. The bastard had gone and ran away. Running away is the most selfish thing anyone could ever do. He claims he was mistreated by the company and that we saw him as an object. Hello, we’re all suffering here too you know. Starling is no saint.”

                “He was desperate.”

                “And we’re not? Luhan is not? The man is weak I tell you. I bet he’s going to take this opportunity and build his career somewhere and make himself even more famous because he’s just using this stint to get himself famous. Selfish people do that.”

                “I just feel bad for Luhan. Now he’s going to have to do two men’s work.”

                “He can handle it. We don’t need Byun Baekhyun.”

               Luhan didn’t listen anymore after that. He felt a little better hearing that, but morally he felt like something was off. Sure, he called Baekhyun selfish so many times in his mind, but to hear someone else call him that feels rather…uncomfortable.

                He didn’t know why and he didn’t want to know either. He just danced until his body was numb so that he wouldn’t feel anything else.

                                                                                *************************

                “You really didn’t have to do this. We should have gone somewhere better.” I told Joonmyun, opening the Subway sandwich he had carefully packed for me. We went up to Starling’s rooftop garden for lunch. Joonmyun had packed some sandwiches and even some cake and invited me on a picnic lunch date. I told him I was busy but he said that we wouldn’t go too far. “It would be somewhere close to where you work, but surrounded by nature and very romantic.”

                Hence, the rooftop garden.

                “Stop telling me what I should do and what I shouldn’t and start eating.” He said, taking a bite of his sandwich.

                “I’m sorry.” I muttered and went back to eating.

                “I was just teasing you.” Joonmyun smiled and I smiled back. “I know work has been rough for you lately.”

                “It has.” I nodded. “The court is trying to put us through mediation, although the date hasn’t been set. We’ve been meeting with lawyers and trying to organize Luhan’s solo activities. And on top of that, the media is not backing off yet. Ever since Luhan’s performance at the EMA’s and his ‘speech’, seems there is even more to talk about.”

                “There is never a dull moment when you’re so obsessed about someone else’s life.”

                “Where is that from?”

                “Me, copyright Kim Joonmyun 2014.” He laughed. “It’s true don’t you think?”

                “Very true. And this is coming from a magazine editor.”

                “Hey, I’m not proud of that fact, but I like to think that my magazine has done more than just tell people who is Harry Styles’s number 302 girlfriend.”

                “I’m sure it has. You have some serious articles there.”

                “You have cheese on your lips.” He told me, pointing to my face.

                “I do?” I tried it off but then he reached out and rubbed my lips with his tongue. His fingers felt soft at my lips and I leaned back at the close proximity.

                “I like the fact that my cousin is not here to bug us.”

                “I lied and told him that Tao wanted to discuss something very important over lunch.”

                “Good lie then.”

                “Well, it’s not a complete lie…”

                He laughed and smiled so beautifully it was hard to imagine. The wind was blowing and the sun was shining nicely. Not too hot, not too cold you know. It was a nice distraction indeed.

                                                                *************************

                “Let’s face it; we know why you asked me to lunch.”

                “I know why I did. Do you know why you agreed?” Tao said, flipping the menu at the restaurant, his head never looking up.

                “You are terribly attracted to me aren’t you?” Kris smirked, loosening his tie.

                “And the fact that you accepted means you are attracted as well.” Tao smiled nicely. “I’ll take the seafood special.”

                “I’ll have the filet mignon.” Kris told the waitress.

                “Very well, any desserts? We have a great apple pie today.”

                “Any tiramisu?” Tao looked up

                “I’m afraid not sir.” Tao pouted, tiramisu is his favourite dessert. The waitress left with their orders and Kris went back to undressing Tao with his eyes. He will deny that was what he did, but come on. Who does he think he’s fooling anyways?

                “Yixing told me that work has been really hard for you.”

                “Definitely not my easiest days.” Kris sighed. “But don’t worry. I’ll get him. I won’t let Baekhyun go so easily.”

                “So you are still unable to contact him?”

                “By law protocol we are not supposed to be in any contact at all. But I just find it a little hard to believe that he would ditch his career to get married.”

                “Why do you find that so hard to believe?”

                “I can promise him a future full of success, fame and fortune. Why would he dump that and promise it to someone who can’t possibly do the same?”

                “Maybe he wanted love, support and stability instead of fame and fortune.” Tao said, twirling his glass of water. “Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”

                “It’s a breach of contract.”

                “That contract is going to end. He claims you mistreated him.”

                “Well, that’s a little…” Kris sighed. “We have so many projects and every second is precious. Mistreating him is not my intention; I just wanted the job done right. And why do you have to quiz me like a reporter?”

                “I don’t want to either, but you keep your guard up so high I have to start acting like one to talk to you.” Tao said. “Look at you, your shoulders are stiff, arms at the side and your eyes are boring into me.”

                “I’m sorry,” Kris relaxed his shoulders by rolling them and he took a sip of water. “It’s just…”

                “Hard?”

                “Yeah.”

                Sometimes hard is just hard. Don’t bother trying to disguise it with any other word.

                “If you want to, I would like to be your friend and give you support through this.” Tao said. “Only if you would let me.”

                “Can I trust you?”

                “You took me to dinner, about to eat lunch with me, hired me to choreograph your new movie,  watched the EMA’s at my house and I see you almost every day when you drop Yixing off, not to mention getting drunk together, if you can’t trust me now, you’ve got a problem.” Tao cackled and even Kris can’t help but smile.

                “I know I can’t be of any political or financial help to you like your lawyers or even Yixing can, but I just want to know if I can be of any other kind of help.”

                “Well…since you’re offering…you can have lunch with me when you’re free.” Kris thought for a while. “I would love some company, plus I think my cousin has a thing for Yixing.”

                “You think?” Tao scoffed. “But sure, we can have lunch together.”

                “Oh, and you can also stop messing around with me.”

                “What do you mean?” Tao faked innocence while slicing his fillet.

                “You know exactly what I mean, flirting and then shooting me down, wearing those sleeveless shirts that show off your arms, standing outside waiting for Yixing every day yet you hardly respond to my messages and please, stop your lips.” Kris said, taking a sip of water to wet his strangely dry lips.

                “Why, does that have any…effect on you?” Tao smirked, raising an eyebrow and picking up his fork and it ever so painfully slowly.

                “Tao,” Kris cleared his throat. “Would you value honesty or politeness first?”

                “Honesty.”

                “Then you your lips .” Kris said calmly, trying not to watch Tao the ends of the fork.

                “You should have been more honest before Kris, and then I could probably be something else by now.”

                “And I would be tasting something else for lunch, wouldn’t I?” Kris chuckled lowly, his voice sending shivers down Tao’s spine.

                “Since we’re on the honest train here,” Tao spun his broccoli on his plate. “I do like messing with you and do you know why? Because you are so much fun.”

                “You think messing with me is fun? It’s not going to be fun for long if you keep this up.”

                “Don’t worry, I know my boundaries, but it seems like it would take a lot to push your buttons.”

                “Consider them officially pushed.” Kris rolled his eyes. “I would just like to know if you are officially interested so I can ask you out.”

                “Why did you wait until I have to tell you?”

                “I’m a gentleman; I like to make sure my love interest is properly treated with the same dignity and respect they deserve.”

                “Well, thank you for that.” Tao smiled. He was surprised to know that Kris felt that way. And he also liked the fact that Kris referred to him as ‘love interest’.

                “But I’m not really a gentleman in the bedroom.”

                “Well then let me tell you something,” Tao motioned for Kris to come closer. “I may act bossy and y but in the bedroom,” he leaned forward and whispered into his ear. “I’m a very good boy.”

                “I’d like to see that.” Kris whispered back.

                “Only if you prove to me what a gentleman you really are.”

                “Fair enough.”

                “Excuse me sir, dessert is here for you.” The waitress came over and put a plate of tiramisu before Tao. Tao gaped at the beautifully made dessert in shock.

                “But…but you told me you had no tiramisu.”

                “It’s a special service. On the house.” She smiled and left the table. Tao clapped his hands in glee.

                “I love this dessert!” Tao grabbed a spoon and was just about to dig in when he looked up and caught a little smile on Kris’s lips.

                “Did you have anything to do with this?”

                “A magician never reveals his secrets.” he grins. “May the magician have a bite?”

                “You may.” And just like that, Tao and Kris shared a dessert. If he was really the magician, then I’m the assistant. Assistants do not reveal secrets, but I am an exception. My boss made me get the dessert and deliver it to him. The things I do for my boss and my friend.

                                                                *****************************

                Luhan, one half of the popular duo BxL, has finally agreed to his first interview since Baekhyun’s disappearance. The boy appeared stoic and expressionless, but this reporter was surprised by the inner strength he has inside.

                “The ground hardens after a heavy rain and I, Luhan will not hurt anymore. I will go through this alone and show the world what I am really made of.”

                “Tsk.” Was the sound Sehun made after he finished watching the TV interview. He shook his head. This is the most hypocritical piece of he has ever seen. He knew his boyfriend better than that. Luhan has been crying in his sleep and looking absolutely listless all this time. Of course he would never admit it, but Sehun knows. And here in the interview he’s saying he’s stronger than ever before?

                Sehun also didn’t like Luhan’s acceptance speech during the EMA’s. It was all about Luhan. Luhan, Luhan, Luhan. He understood why he did it, to ease fan tension and give hope, but he also felt bad for Baekhyun because the award was for the two of them, not Luhan.

                “Sehunnie I’m home!” Luhan called as he entered the house.

                “Hey.” He said, tossing the cushions to one side.

                “Why are you so upset?”

                “Upset? I’m not upset.” Sehun shrugged. “I’m perfectly fine. You know why? Because the ground hardens after a heavy rain and I, Oh Sehun will not hurt anymore. I will go through this alone and show the world what I am really made of.”

                “You do not sound convincing at all.”

                “Really? Then show me how to do it Mr. Perfecto because you did it so convincingly.” Sehun rolled his eyes, storming off into the kitchen.

                “What do you want me to do? Just what do you want from me exactly? Cry and beg like a baby that he’s not here? I already did that and you can’t expect me to go through that again.”

                “I’m not. I’m just surprised how quickly you got your together and how persistent you are with this solo concept.” Sehun said, dumping the dishes in the sink. “I also love the way fans edit Baekhyun out of pictures, cut out his voice and how lovingly and expertly the media blurs out his face during interviews or how the camera just accurately zooms in and focuses on you, leaving him out of vision like a hawk tracking its prey. Can you tell your boss he’s doing a fantastic job of making believe he doesn’t exist?”

                “Are you upset at me?”

                “No, I never said that.”

                “Then stop using that tone on me!”

                “Oh, so when you’re throwing a tantrum, it’s okay.” Sehun finally faces Luhan. “So when you’re drunk and spitting profanities and throwing wine glasses, it’s okay because you are the poor victim here.” Sehun mocked, pulling a face. Luhan could feel his blood boil in his veins.

                “Why are you taking this out on me? What do you expect me to do?!”

                “Some respect would have been nice!” Sehun flung his hands about, spraying soapy water all over the kitchen. “It has been almost a bloody month since we have heard from him. I don’t know if he’d dead, if he’s moved out of the country, if he was kidnapped by aliens, some of us are actually worried about him!”

                “Then why don’t you go and marry him, since you care about him so much?” Luhan shouted back as he followed Sehun out of the kitchen.

                “Oh, now you’re using that tone on me?” Sehun scoffed. “You know what you are Luhan? You’re not strong. You’re not the Ironman you claim to be. You’re just a big fat liar and a giant hypocritical diva who expects others to do what he couldn’t.”

                “I am not lying!!”

                “Prove it.” Sehun handed Luhan his phone. “Delete his number.”

                “What?”

                “I know you still have it stored somewhere. Delete it.”

                “Fine.” Luhan checked his phone and he pressed the delete button. The capital words ARE YOU SURE? popped up.

                Suddenly, Luhan wasn’t so sure.

                “Go on. Do it.” Sehun said. “You said you moved on. So do it. Delete it. Delete his number, the pictures you have with him, the memories you shared, and the gifts he sent you. Delete it.”

                Luhan’s fingers hovered over his phone. He couldn’t bring himself to press the button. In the end, he pressed NO.

                “You see?” Sehun said, as Luhan tossed his phone on the couch. “Every time you push forward with this solo concept or every time you insist ‘this is a new beginning’ you’re just using it as an excuse to suppress your feelings. You’re building up walls to hide a heart that’s clearly breaking down. You and I both know that deep down inside, you feel ing incomplete.”

                “I can’t just sit there and break down! Time moves on and I have to move on! There are fans expecting me! What do you want me to do Oh Sehun?!”

                “Tell. The. ing. Truth.” Sehun growled. “Admit it. Why won’t you admit to yourself that this is hard? Why are you trying to make it seem so easy, like rubbing someone’s name off a chalkboard? A mention of him, a word, a whisper, a picture, whatever. A sign to show that he is still important. Those fans and the media are making it as if he didn’t exist, as if everything he has done for the group is nothing but fish food and you, you take it in so easily.”

                “I cannot show them that. I cannot show them something that tarnishes my image!”

                “What, the fact that you are human and actually capable of feelings?” Sehun jeered a little. “Do you know why I’m pissed? Because that kid is one of the nicest kids I know and we’re all making it as if he never existed, as if all that he did was putty. His efforts and his legacy washed up in dust as you step all over it and create a new footprint. For all I know, that could be me one day.”

                “What are you talking about?”

                “This ing scares me Luhan. What if one day, I am forced to make a decision like his? Will the world just forget me like it forgets everything else? Will you do the same thing to me?”

                “Sehun…”

                “Everything that I have seen these past few weeks scares me.” Sehun admitted, panting as his hands started to shake and he could hear his voice crack. “There are people who swore to Baekhyun that they would love him and support him and now they have their second mask on and pretending as if they never made that promise. There are fans, angry ones who sound like they are ready to kill him in a moment’s notice. This industry is so cold and ruthless. When someone dies, they’ll just replace you like an old shoe. Is that what will happen to all of us one day? What if you treat me the same way they treat him?”

                “You think this is easy for me?” Luhan pointed to himself, his voice cracking as well. “I miss him like hell. I feel so ing guilty for not treating him better. He was trying to be a friend, but all I cared was my career. I have to take his lines, his roles, his dances, I stay up till midnight to get it right and you know why? Because I don’t want our legacy to fall. I can’t disappoint him and myself. Not now, not ever.”

                “I’m not as strong as I make out to be. I just want to come home and find someone who cares about me, who makes me feel like I can be myself again, whether I’m strong or weak. I thought you can do that Sehun! Why do I have to come back and find you yelling at me?” Luhan cried, hot tears of anger, sadness, disappointment streaming down his beautiful face. He choked on his tears and sniffled, snot escaping his nose to be mixed with the tears. Luhan lifted an arm to rub his nose against his sleeve but Sehun beat him to the punch. He pulled the beauty close to him and kissed him.

                Luhan could have punched him, kicked him, fought with him, but instead he wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him. Sehun kissed him, despite his bratty behaviour and tear-snot stained face. In that very moment, they found what they needed. Some peace.

                “We’re idiots.” Sehun breathed, running a hand through Luhan’s hair. “We’re yelling at each other as if yelling will solve all our problems.”

                “Yeah.” Luhan sniffled, burying his face in Sehun’s neck, rubbing his tears against the other’s warm skin.

                “I’m sorry I yelled at you. That was selfish of me.”

                “I’m sorry I yelled too. I understand why you feel so scared. This industry is cold.”

                “We’re just human.”

                “Yeah.”

                “Human’s that need another human’s touch.”

                “Yes.”

                “Let’s be humans together.”

                “Okay.”

                That wasn’t the proposal they each had in mind, but having one was better than none.