Maybe, I concluded, it was supposed to be like this. 
Astraphobia: fear of  thunder and lightning

On afternoons like this one, it makes me think back to the memories of you, specifically your grey eyes for those were the pair of eyes that I feel in love with the moment I saw you. Unsure, insecure, uncomfortable - that was your state as I stared at you from across the room. 

"Are you alright?" I asked you.

You stuttered, saying: "Ye-yes. I just don't like parties."

I could tell, you didn't need to tell me, but you did anyways. You told me you wereforced to come here, and I told you I was too (technically I was, because I lost a bet with Jongdae but that was the first time ever that I was actually pleased that I had lost in something because if I hadn't I wouln't of met you)

I told you my name. You told me your's. We kept in touch ever since then. 

I told you your eyes looked like thunderclouds. Grey, bold, daring, beautiful yet deadly - you told me you hated thunder and lightning. I later found out you were actually afraid of them, the sound it makes and the surprise it brings you. 

"The sound of thunder never fails to surprise me." you had said. 

One stormy night, we were stuck in a friend's house. I kissed your lips to make you feel at ease. You kissed me right back. 

If only, you knew, that kiss was my first. But what would that do to my pride? I kept quiet, of course. Before, during and after that whimsical kiss of our's. 

Five months and six days of dating later, I heard from your mom that you lost your life. A car crash, out of all things. How cliche. How stupid. How irresponsible of that driver. 

You know, one of the nurses asked me if I knew you. She asked me so many times that I wanted to barf. Did I know you? 

Well I knew you had a heart-shaped birthmark on your back, that you preferred vanilla over chocolate, that you liked the smell of rain, that you insisted banana was a berry not a fruit, that you hated me telling you your eyes were like thunderclouds, that you smiled whenever you saw me and that the look you gave me was for me only. 

I also knew you loved me, more than I loved you. 

Things were just a big mess, like a blur after that day. Your funeral day came and went, I remember crying a lot and I remember Jongdae telling me lies just to comfort me.

"Kyung, it's going to be alright."

"She won't like it when you're like this, Kyungsoo."

"Kyungsoo, be a man and stop crying."

"Soo, you have to accept that she's gone."

I didn't care anymore. No more warm hugs, no more late night texting, no more bubble tea making, no more cake baking, no more bike riding, no more walks in the park, no more singing in the dark, no more hushed whispers of 'I love you's, no more you. 

Eventually, this girl came and sometimes, I imagine that she was you. 

She's clumsy, she's smart, she's witty and absolutely funny. She kisses weirdly, but she makes up for it by telling me these jokes and doing these things for me. She brings a smile to my face, and I can't help but imagine that it's you telling me these jokes, even though you have a horrible sense of humor. She dresses nicely too, but I still prefer your ugly sweaters and ripped-up jeans. She says my name as if it's the most beautiful word in the world, though, and it makes me happy and guilty at the same time.

"Kyungsoo," she'd say sweetly to get my attention. 

She doesn't know about you, and I don't plan on letting her know. She makes me feel things, and I like her but she's not you. 

Her smile is straight, not crooked like your's. Her lips are pale, not pinkish like your's. Her hair is brown, not black like your's. Her laugh is annoying, not cute like your's. Her eyes are grey, but their not the right shade. 

But then just maybe, I concluded, it was supposed to be like this. 

"Thunderclouds," I said to her one day.

"What?" she answered me, confused. 

I smiled. "Thunderclouds." I tucked a few loose strands of her behind her ear, look how I would do it to you. "Your eyes look like thunderclouds. Like her's." 

/sighs. is this good enough guys? cx