Everything changes, the world and the things on it. The rivers change size, holding more than they used to. The people change, their hearts beat differently and their bones grow stronger, so I shouldn't be surprised by all that I've changed, over the years.

01

Chapter

❝ Chapter 01: Where We All Start

We met in my first year high school, I was sixteen at the time, and he was in last year and eighteen. We met in the middle of the year, after he transferred to the school. He was originally living in China, because that’s where he was born. He spoke almost-perfect Korean. 

Sometimes it feels like fate that brought us together, we would have never met each other, if I didn’t walk into the choir’s studio he was practicing in. If I wasn’t asked by a friend to get him something, if I didn’t say yes, we would have never met. His voice was amazing, I didn’t expect it. I had seen him around the school before, girls crowded around him. Even guys were in awe of his good looks.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” I said with a quick bow. He was singing; he stopped when I had entered, of course. He smiled; it was a million dollar smile. “Don’t worry about it.” He said, bowing back slightly. We stood there in awkward silence for a moment, before I remembered the actual reason I walked in, without knocking. “Have you seen a black cap?” I asked, and he nodded, pointing to a chair. There it was - Chanyeol’s black cap that he loved dearly enough to forget about. I grabbed it quickly before going to the door again. “Oh, what’s your name?” He asked, making me stop. I breathed out slowly before I looked at him, over my shoulder. “I’m Jongdae.” I said plainly, leaving before he could say anything else.

That was our first meeting. I already knew his name, how couldn’t I? He was popular, everyone talked about him like he was their best friend – he obviously wasn’t, he only ever hung out with one group of people, who were all popular as well, of course.

I walked back to Chanyeol and threw the hat at him; he whined and pulled it onto his head, playing with his hair for a moment. “You look mad.” He hummed, placing his hands on my shoulders. I wasn’t mad; I didn’t have a reason to be. “Don’t be mad. I would have asked Baekhyun but he had to go home early.” He said. I rolled my eyes back and swatted his hands off of my shoulders. “I’m not mad, you idiot.” I said, sitting in my usual seat, next to his. Baekhyun’s seat was on the other side of him; we took up the entire back row, us three.
 

We would’ve been categorised under being outcasts. We didn’t feel like it, though. Baekhyun was a popular kid; he got along with everyone and was a bit of a class clown. He loved to make people laugh and loved to sing even more. He had been in a few school musicals too. Chanyeol was a bit of a…interesting guy, to say the least. He was always smiling which made him pretty popular, with our year at least. And then there was me, Jongdae. I wasn’t the quietest guy in our little group, but I wasn’t the most popular. I joked like the other two, but I didn’t fit in as much. I didn’t mind, to be honest.

Okay, that’s a lie. I did mind. On the days they’d both be gone, I minded. I could very well hang out with someone else, but I didn’t know anyone else.

And then one of those days happened, about two weeks after first meeting Mr Popular in the choir room. On this day, Chanyeol went with the basketball team as a backup player, to an away game. And Baekhyun was out practicing for a musical, so I was alone.

I decided to sit alone, in the choir room. No one really went in there during lunch, so I was free to be in there, without being disturbed. But of course, there he was. He sat on one of the lounge chairs, a book in his lap, Mr Popular. I stopped in the doorway, staring at him before I noticed he had earphones in. He couldn’t hear me, and he didn’t even realize I was there. I sighed, entering the room anyway. I sat down on the other side of the room, hoping he wouldn’t look up and see me. I took out my own book, and started to read it. As I read, I pulled my earphones out of my pocket, already plugged into my phone and I pushed one into my ear, letting the song play softly. I glanced up slowly, spotting shoes in front of me, and there he was, in front of me. I gasped softly, having a bit of a fright.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you!” He said as I pulled the single earphone out of my ear. I leaned back, a soft sigh leaving my lips. “You left before I could introduce myself, the other day, you know?” He asked with a grin – in that moment, I think I gulped a few times. His smile was beautiful, hell, his entire face was beautiful.  “I’m Luhan.” He continued, his smile turning into a bit more of a grin, “And you’re Jongdae.” He said. I stared up at him, in slight disbelief that he remembered my name, from two weeks of no other contact. It amazed me, a little. I watched as he, Luhan, sat down next to me, his bright smile still playing with his plump looking lips.
“So, why are you in here?” He asked, his hands forming a bunch in his lap. I kept silent and his smile slowly dropped, his lips forming a tight line.
We stayed silent, just staring at each other, until he spoke again. “You’re friends with Baekhyun, right?” He asked and of course, I nodded. It wasn’t anything new, to be known as Baekhyun’s friend.

Then the silence fell upon us again. I think this is why I never made any new friends; I didn’t know how to converse. Baekhyun was used to it, we grew up with each other – he knew exactly how to keep a conversation with me going, what to ask, say, do. Chanyeol learnt soon after we met in the fourth grade. I’m quite sure that Baekhyun taught him a thing or too.
“What grade are you in?” Luhan suddenly asked, breaking the silence again. I cleared my throat, readying myself to actually speak.
“Grade ten.” I said simply. Luhan opened his mouth slightly, letting out a soft ‘ah’ with a nod. I stared at his face, I knew he was a grad twelve, but he really didn’t look it. He looked like he was at least in my grade.
“You’re very quiet, Jongdae.” Luhan said. People didn’t usually say it; they’d just get up and leave. I didn’t expect it.
“I know.” I said back, and Luhan nodded.
“But, that’s okay.” He said, smiling again. “I like quiet people.” He said, standing up quickly. He already had his bag and he was gone, leaving me alone. I stared at the space that was now next to me, where Luhan, Mr Popular, had just been. I had to let out a low breath, reliving the moment again in my mind. I stayed there for the rest of lunch, before I left to go back to class.

The short conversation played through my mind a few times, Luhan’s words and smile. At first I didn’t know why he stayed in my thoughts for such a long time. At home, he was still there – even the next day, and the next. At first I didn’t know what the feeling was, why he was in my mind and why I wanted to see him again. So what did I, Kim Jongdae, do? I went to watch him play soccer. I went with Baekhyun, who was going with Joonmyun, who was going for the sports newsletter. It was easy enough, Baekhyun had been nagging me about going for a while, and then I finally said yes. He was so excited, but he didn’t know the real reason why I was going. I didn’t know how to tell him. I had to pinch myself when I saw him in the uniform, we arrived a little late, and they had already started to play.

The weather was turning for the worst, about to rain. We sat on the bleachers, watching them play the game. I didn’t really pay attention, not to the game anyway. I watched Luhan play his best. And then it rained. Baekhyun was smart enough to bring two umbrellas with him, sharing one with myself and Joonmyun got the other. I was amazed at how well Luhan played, and how focused he was. The game slowly came to an end, our team won. I was dragged off of the bleachers and to the changing rooms by Baekhyun. I didn’t put up much of a fight to go, why even bother, I didn’t want to hear him whine and nag. We waited outside of the changing room door, as people went in and out. We bowed quite a lot during those few minutes. And then the door opened and he stepped out, a towel around his head and a loose shirt on, Luhan. He had already showered and changed, he smiled at Baekhyun, greeting him happily. His eyes flickered to me, I was standing behind Joonmyun.
I could have sworn that his lips twitched into a quick smirk. He bowed, greeting Joonmyun and I. I didn’t actually listen to what Baekhyun and Luhan talked about, I just know that we followed them. They seemed friendly, and I was jealous. I wanted to be friendly with Luhan as well, and in that moment, I was positive I had feelings for Luhan. That night I had to sit in my room, and daydream about Luhan playing soccer. He was amazing, he was great, and he was just wonderful. I loved it, I just wanted to watch him more, play soccer, talk, smile, everything. He plagued my mind every day, and slowly, he was in my life more and more. At lunch, during choir – that I joined after Baekhyun begged me to, and said Luhan wanted me to join too, so naturally we would hang out more, right? If you guessed yes, you’d be correct.

Luhan was now part of my life, and I guess a friend. The day he gave me his phone number was slow. We had choir practice, for a performance that was coming up in a few days – so we weren’t at school, but the hall we were to perform at. We sat outside of the hall, on benches. Baekhyun went off with some other people, leaving just the two of us. We sat in silence for a while, before he cleared his throat.
“Can I see your phone?” He asked, and I obliged, no questions asked. I handed it to him, and he played with it a little. I didn’t know what he was doing, not until I got the phone back. I stared at it, his name and the number, for a moment, before I looked up at him. He was smiling, a bit like a fool.
“Now you can message me.” He said standing up and slowly walking away, like he knew I’d be watching. He was right, I did watch him go. I didn’t message him. Not that day, or night either. I didn’t know what to message him with, it wasn’t important for me to do anything about it. The night of the choir performance arrived and the time to go on stage was nearing.
The nerves were something I expected. I sat in the dressing room for our school’s choir, and then I noticed something, someone was missing. I stood slowly, just to check with a bit of extra height, not that it was much anyway.

I knew who was missing right way. I swallowed back thickly, picking up my bag and grabbing my phone out of the front pocket. I stopped for a moment, staring at the locked screen. I pulled myself together and unlocked the screen, tapping a few buttons and getting to Luhan’s name in the contacts, sending a simple ‘where are you?’ text.

I sat back down, my foot tapping onto the hard white laminate floors. I flinched a little as my phone beeped. ‘Come outside.’ Read the reply. I stared at it for a moment and stood, not bothering about even asking why. I just did as it said and went outside. It was cold, and like an idiot, I didn’t have any other layers on besides a thin dress-shirt. It wasn’t difficult to find him; he was sitting right by the entrance, on a bench. I walked closer to him, and he looked up at me. He looked like a lost puppy, which had just been kicked. I of course didn’t know what was going on with him.
“Why are you out here?” I asked and he shrugged, sitting up slowly.
“I can’t sing the solo.” He whispered, looking downwards at his hands, they were clasped together on his lap. I stared down at him, blinking a few times.
“What do you mean you can’t sing it?” I asked, slowly moving to his right, and sitting next to him on the bench.
“What do you think it means? It means I can’t sing it!” He said, and loudly. It made me flinch a little, he didn’t sound like his happy-bright self, and it scared me a bit. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, leaning forward, bending himself a bit and resting his head on his hands, hiding his face in the palms.
I froze for a moment, before I moved my hand onto his back. I wasn’t good at comforting people. It was like, today was make Jongdae flinch day, or something of the sort – Luhan sat up so quickly that I didn’t have time to pull my hand away, it was trapped between the back of the bench and his back. He stared at me for a moment, nodding to himself in some sort of agreement.
“You could do it! You know the words to the solo.” He said, like it was some great idea. I stared and started to shake my head, but he stopped me, grasping onto my cheeks with his hands lightly. They were warm. “Someone has to do the solo, and it can’t be me.” He said, nodding slowly. “Please, Jongdae, for me.” He said and I felt my heart beat a little faster, so of course, I nodded to him.
“A-alright, I’ll do the solo.” I said softly and he grinned. I knew exactly when the solo started and what the words were. Was I nervous? Yes. Was I terrified of ing it up? Yes.

I had to take deep breaths before we went on stage to begin our part. I was lucky the song the solo was in wasn’t slow; it was upbeat and a good choice. The music lowered a little, as I brought the microphone up to my lips, the other members of the choir singing their parts; I had to take a deep breath in, before I sung my solo lines. My heart raced as I lowered my hand, going into the choir’s bits. It was the end of the solo; I only hoped I did a good job. It wasn’t until we were backstage that I was told how good I did. I got pats on the back and people watched me, in awe. I sat alone for a moment, as Baekhyun went to get me a drink of water. It wasn’t like he had never heard me sing before, he had. For a long time, we had always sung together but it was never in front of so many people or anyone else really. I could tell he was proud. I wasn’t alone for too long, as Luhan took a seat beside me.

I didn’t really say anything to him; I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t say anything either, he just placed a hand on my thigh and gave it a squeeze, before he got back up and walked away, I was sure I could see a smirk. Life didn’t stay exactly the same after that. People at school had heard about the performance, and had heard my solo from recordings of it. I felt a little stupid, like I was being put on a platform that I didn’t need to be on.

Even more so, Baekhyun was worried about me – he became protective. Or more protective, he was already like that anyway. Chanyeol had to keep fighting off questions about me, and people would hoard outside of the choir room when we were in there. I started to feel like a prisoner. On one particular day, Baekhyun had gone out of the room to get some meat buns. He left Chanyeol to, and I quote, ‘look after little prince Jongdae’ for him. I don’t think Chanyeol minded all that much, to be honest. I could hear Baekhyun get asked a sea of questions when the door to the room was open. I was told that it would be rude to tell them off, and to just ignore them. I’ll get used to it.

“How are you doing, Jongdae?” Chanyeol asked. I looked up at him from my food, and shrugged.
“Fine, how are you doing?” I asked back and he grinned, as usual.
“Oh, you know, great. My best friend is a superstar now, it’s cool.” He joked and I smiled, shaking my head. “I’m not a superstar, far from it. I sung three lines at a choir show, it’s not that impressive.” I said and Chanyeol shook his head, cupping my face with his hands. How could someone with a face like his, have hands so large? I’ll never know.
“I was there, Jongdae. You were amazing.” He said and I was sure I could see sparkles in his eyes. I rolled my eyes backwards and pulled his hands off of my face with my own. “I don’t get why you don’t sing more, your voice is good.” He hummed for a moment, pointing a finger at my face.
“You should audition for an entertainment company!” He announced, like he was now my manager.
“You’re an idiot.” I said and shook my head. Baekhyun entered the room again, with an armful of bread.
“I was attacked with bread; we’re fed for days now, boys!” He said with a grin, throwing bread at us. I was smacked in the face at least six times, and I was sure to throw it back right at Baekhyun’s grin-infested face.

The thought didn’t cross my mind, auditioning for a company. Then again, I didn’t want to be pulled out of school for training, practice and to lose my friends – all two-point-five of them.

Things change, of course. Everything changes at some point, the world changes, and people soon follow. The year soon ended, and things started to fall apart. Baekhyun went off to America for a month, and didn’t keep in touch with either myself or Chanyeol. Chanyeol went to band camp, and I didn’t hear from him for weeks. The only person that actually spoke me often was Luhan, but of course, that stopped too. The last I heard from him, he was moving back to China to attend university there. I was alone.

I didn’t have anything to do, for that time. My parents suggested I get a job, or at least audition for a company. I didn’t know why they were so supportive of whatever I did, but at least I wasn’t held back by them. I didn’t really do as they suggested, instead I stayed at home and read books, listened to music and watched dramas. I lived a boring life.

One boring day I decided to go on a walk, because it seemed like a good idea at the time. It didn’t turn out to be such a good idea. It started to rain, and heavy. From the bright blue sky, it turned into a murky dark grey. I sighed and stayed outside anyway. I didn’t want to go home just yet, no one was there anyway. I was smart enough to bring an umbrella with me, the weather reports did say it would be raining. I was still alone, but I felt better walking in the rain, I liked the rain.

The rain doesn’t always like everyone, of course. I walked down the street, deciding on going to a local park. A boy chasing a dog ran past me, and onto the road. I turned, just in time to see the car that was driving down the road. I dropped my umbrella, moving fast to knock the boy out of the way of the car, pushing him far enough that he wouldn’t be hit, but I did.
I was hit by the car, on a harsh-raining day, in the middle of a street. I couldn’t really hear what was going on after, but I was told later, that the man in the car got out and called an ambulance, the boy and the dog stayed with me. I out before the ambulance got there. When I woke up, in a dry, warm bed, I thought I was dead. I wasn’t, of course. I was in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines that monitored my heart, and fed me medication.

I didn’t feel like I was in that much pain, but when I decided to move, it shot through me like I was, well, shot. I hadn’t been in the hospital for that long, about an hour before I had woken up. I wasn’t in the room alone; the boy was there, the man that was driving his car, too. They looked at me, wide-eyed. They both bowed and apologized, many times. A nurse had to shush them out, and I was alone, yet again. A nurse told me my parents were on their ways, but stuck in traffic due to the rain.

They arrived, about two hours later. I was fed and cleaned up a little more, I had a graze on my face, from my right temple, curving around to just under my eye. My lip was busted as well, and I had a bruise on my right cheek. There were bruises going up and down my right side and front, from hitting the car and pushing the boy out of the way, plus hitting the hard road. I looked a lot worse than I actually was. My ribs were bruised and I somehow got my leg trapped under the car for a moment, injuring my thigh, but no organs were hurt. I was placed on bed-rest for a while, though. It hurt to walk, and it hurt to stand too. I had to shower sitting on a stool, and I had to relearn how to walk properly.

My parents didn’t want me to stay at home alone, but I told them I’d be fine, I’ll call if I really need them. They asked our neighbour to babysit me, or as they said ‘hang out with him’. The kid was younger than me, by two years. Our parents called us 2xJong, because our names both started with Jong.

He was a nice kid, a little cheeky though. After two days of Jongin being in my room, he decided to clean it; he was getting annoyed by the amount of clutter that filled all surfaces. I was in bed, so of course all I could do was watch what he did. He cleaned my room up nicely, it was neat and things were away. I fell asleep halfway through, and woke up to him coming in with some lunch. In that moment, I realised that Jongin was my only friend, at the moment, anyway. After the holidays, he would be attending my high school, and we would probably see each other more.

One day, when Jongin was over, my phone rang. He answered and stared at me for a moment, hanging it up silently.
“Who was that?” I asked and Jongin shrugged, muttering a ‘wrong number’. I didn’t believe him, but I couldn’t exactly get up quickly enough to grab the phone from him. When he left that night, I got up, slowly and in pain. I had to hold onto things to get to my phone, which was on my desk. I sat on the desk chair and unlocked my phone, going straight to past calls. I stared at it for a moment, Baekhyun had called.

I cleared my throat and decided to call him. I tapped the small green call button and waited for him to answer, putting the call onto speaker-mode. He answered, but it was silent. I cleared my throat again.
“Hello?” I asked and I could hear shuffling, a bit of wind blowing into the microphone.
“Ah, there you are.” He said, he sounded mad, the tone he had. “You hung up on me earlier.” He said.
“I didn’t, Jongin did.” I said and he went silent for a moment, before I heard a loud sigh.
“Who’s Jongin?” He asked and I told him, my neighbour.
“I got back a week ago, and you’ve been hanging out with your neighbour?” He asked, he sounded upset now.
“Well, how was I supposed to know?” I asked back and he went silent again. “You didn’t even visit when I was in the hospital.” I said, going silent too.
“You were in the hospital?” He asked and it hit me, he didn’t even know.
“I got hit by a car.” I said plainly, it was the short version but still true. I could hear Baekhyun swallow, he didn’t know at all.
“Y-you were…h-hit by a car? How…when…what? I’m coming over!” Before I could even answer, he had hung up.

Baekhyun didn’t live too far from my house, so when he climbed through my bedroom window fifteen minutes later, I wasn’t too surprised.
“You could have used the front door.” I said, turning in the desk chair to face him properly. He was breathing heavily; he looked as though he had run all the way here.
“Details.” He breathed out harshly. He walked over to me, examining me with his dark eyes. He pressed his hands on to my cheeks gently, slowly squishing and moving them around. I stared up at him, unamused by his antics.
“Alright, you’re definitely alive and Jongdae.” He said, as though he had to make sure himself. He let go of my face and stood by me, staring down with a thought.
“I’m fine, Baekhyun. Stop worrying and help me to my bed.” I said, pushing myself up with the arms of the desk chair.
I stood, shakily and with thoughts I was about to drop. Baekhyun’s hands came to rest on my arm and waist, holding me up a little. It’s never good when the person helping you is the same height as you – he felt different, somehow. Like he was stronger, in the weeks he was gone, he had gotten stronger.

Baekhyun carefully moved me over to my bed, settling me down on the edge but he didn’t move too far away, lingering to make sure I could actually get under the sheets. I could, and did, flattening the sheet over my thigh as I pulled it up to my hips.
“I’m fine, stop hovering.” I said and Baekhyun sighed, sitting on the edge of my bed, next to my knee.
“You don’t look fine.” He said, looking downwards to his hands that had rested in his lap. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t here.” He said with a soft voice. I shrugged and leaned forward, patting his shoulder with the palm of my hand.
“You’re here now, aren’t you? That’s good enough.” I said with a light smile, it was true – he wasn’t there in the moment, but he was now. That’s what mattered to me. He looked up, smiling at me, there he was, my best friend.

Baekhyun stuck around for the days and weeks that passed, we got closer to the start of school. So instead of it just being just Jongin and I, hanging out all day – Baekhyun joined us. He had made sure Chanyeol would at least visit once before school started, but as I found out from Baekhyun; Chanyeol had gotten a job when he returned from band camp, and was hard to catch before, during and after work. Baekhyun said he’d kidnap the tall idiot if he really had to.

The day Chanyeol did turn up, out of the blue, I thought Baekhyun was going to follow him inside of my room with a gun, but he didn’t. He had a large basket with food and comics. It was a nice thought, but Chanyeol himself ended up eating half the food and reading the comics, while I watched him talk about how band camp was – and that he met someone there.

And then I got to hear about him talk about them, for three days straight, until Baekhyun told him to shut up, and threw a water bottle at his face – he caught it, though.

When school finally rolled around, I still had the stiches in the graze that took over part of my face, and a few bruises lingered for longer than needed time. I had bruises and some scars on my right side, but it wasn’t that bad, I could cover it. My face, on the other hand, was still too beaten up to even think about covering – unless I wanted to get it infected, of course. The first day of school turned up, it was expected to show its ugly little face sometime. I had my school uniform on already, and I was ready to head out, into the brave world with a bright smile and clear thoughts of my future, if I was Baekhyun. I’m not, so I wasn’t prepared in the slightest. Besides having my uniform on, my bag and books, I wasn’t ready.

I arrived early, to put my things away before anyone could ask me if I had gotten beaten up. I was incorrect in thinking my year wouldn’t be there so early, because they were. I got stared at, all the way to my assigned locker and to the bathroom to hide. I hid inside one of the stalls, so they couldn’t see that it was me. I felt like an absolute idiot, hiding inside of a toilet stall so people wouldn’t stare at my face. I stayed there, even when Baekhyun messaged me to come meet him; I came up with some absurd excuse of not even being there yet. I got caught in the act, as he was in the bathroom at the time.
“Jongdae, get your out here.” He said, and I as I opened the stall door, I could see that he was staring right at me, the only closed stall door. I didn’t even try to explain, he knew already. He went into a detailed ramble about why I shouldn’t lie to him, the main reason being that he knew I at it. I decided it would just be best to get it over with, and we headed out of the bathroom like brave little men. At all points of us walking, I wanted to turn around and run back, the stares I got were of shock and even some looked at me like I deserved it – whatever it is, they thought had happened. Baekhyun told me, in a whisper as we stood by his locker, to ignore it. Pretend it wasn’t happening and that they were looking at him.

Class was worse; my parents told the teachers what had happened over the holiday break, so they didn’t ask. The students, on the other hand did not. At least, I didn’t expect them to. When some kid showed me a news article about a student being hit by a car, after saving a child, I knew then – why people stared at me. They saw the article, and they knew how badly I was beaten up, or had thoughts as to how badly it was. Some classmates still questioned me, asking if I was going to die at any point. I wasn’t, it wasn’t to that point. I started to ignore them, the questions and stares. I would sit silently in class and do my schoolwork; I would sit with Baekhyun and Chanyeol at lunch, in silence besides a few random words here and there. After two weeks, Baekhyun trapped me in the locker rooms of the school’s gym. He locked the door before I got a chance to leave, and once everyone had left. We stared at each other and he sighed loudly and ran a hand through his hair.
“Don’t tell me you’re fine, not this time.” He said as he walked over to me, backing me up slowly. “Don’t lie to me and say you’re okay.” He said, stopping a few steps in front of me. He stared me down, I felt like I was shrinking – his gaze wasn’t cold, it was harsh and warm, like he wanted to help.
“Okay, I’m not fine.” I barely whispered, casting my eyes downwards. “I don’t want to be looked at like I deserved to be hit by a car, and I don’t want to be looked at like I deserved more than that.” I said with my voice shaking as I spoke. I looked up slowly at Baekhyun and he frowned at me, shaking his head.
“You know those people are stupid.” He said back softly, stepping closer and placing his hands onto my shoulders, pulling me closer slowly, his hands running down my arms and around my sides, closing as he hugged me. I leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder and letting my arms rest over his, gripping onto his school blazer. I don’t know how long we stayed there, but when we came out of our little trance, Chanyeol had broken inside of the locker room to see if we were still in there, and upon finding us, he wrapped his arms around us in a tighter embrace. We had to force him off of us so we could go home.

I told Baekhyun multiple times that I’d be fine alone, for the night. I had to force him to go home, by pulling him down the blocks that separated our houses and inside of his own room before I returned home alone. I showered, ate dinner and did homework alone. My parents had to work late, so during the night I was alone. They returned home well after I went to bed. They thought I was asleep, but I could hear then talking about me in the hallway, going to their own bedroom.

I didn’t tell Baekhyun until I went to his place for the weekend, of the same week. We sat in his bedroom, a packet of chips in a bowl and drinks on the floor, where we sat on pillows. We were originally talking about video games and comics, before I cleared my throat and said the words. “I was adopted.” I said, and Baekhyun stopped talking, he looked right at me and started to cough, breathing in crumbs of a chip. He drank his entire glass of lemonade before he could speak. “You’re what?” He asked; his voice a little raspy from the events prior.
“I am adopted, apparently.” I said again, this time with a slight nod. We sat in silence for about five minutes, before he moved closer and hesitated, now knowing what to do. “It’s okay. I guess it makes sense, it’s not like I really look like them.” I said slowly, looking at Baekhyun and only just noticing how close he had moved. “Or act like them.” I finished with a nod.
“So, you’re okay, for real this time.” Baekhyun said with a nod as well. He reached out and patted my cheek with a few fingers. He stayed there, his eyes flickering down for a moment, to my lips. I swallowed back thickly, staring at Baekhyun for a moment. We were getting closer together, and before I knew it, well, I did know it – I knew what was coming and I didn’t stop it, I didn’t want to. Well, anyway, our lips touched and there was a soft spark of excitement when they did. The spark didn’t stop even after our lips no longer touched.
“I didn’t expect to see that when I walked in.” Chanyeol said, standing by the door of Baekhyun’s room. We looked up at him and he looked down at us, his eyebrows raised. He nodded and walked over, sitting across from us, throwing candy bars at us each. “I know you guys are close, but please, don’t start mucking about with me here.” He hummed, opening his own bar without a care in the world. Baekhyun moved back a little, sitting in his new spot, next to me. Our thighs touched and his hand rested on top of mine. Baekhyun stared at Chanyeol for a moment, sighing loudly.
“What is on your face?” He asked; pointing at the glasses Chanyeol now wore. He looked up with a bright grin.
“Don’t I look cool?” He asked, still grinning. Baekhyun’s face screwed up and he shook his head.
“No, you look ridiculous!” He said and Chanyeol laughed, shrugging it off. And with that, we got back to talking about video games and comic books, like nothing had happened, but of course, something did. I just couldn’t explain it, not entirely.

We weren’t together, in the sense of a romantic relationship. We were together in the sense of being best friends, who maybe kissed and hugged when we wanted, or needed it. We were like that for the rest of the year, actually. We didn’t date each other, and Baekhyun didn’t date at all. He would just decline love interests with a bright smile and a ‘good luck’ before sending them on their way. We met Chanyeol’s boyfriend in the summer, his name was Kyungsoo. He was a nice kid and a little bit more on the quirky side, but it matched Chanyeol well. The year moved quickly, tests came and went, I passed the year with actual ease – I didn’t really try to keep my grade up, it just turned out that way. And soon enough, the year rolled around to no school. Instead of going to America with his parents, Baekhyun stayed with me. And Chanyeol didn’t end up going to band camp. So we were together, more or less. Chanyeol brought Kyungsoo around a few times as we hung out over the weeks of freedom.

And then he was there. It was a cold night, and we had run out of milk. I went down to the corner store to get some. When I arrived home, he stood there, on the steps to my house. He was there, dressed in nice-expensive looking clothes and his hair was done up nicely, coloured and styled to perfection. He smiled and walked over, stopping in front of me.
“Luhan, what are you doing here?” I asked, staring at him with a bit of an uneasy feeling.
“I wanted to see you; you’re the first person I wanted to see.” Luhan said with a softer smile. I hadn’t heard his voice in over a year; I hadn’t seen him in over a year either.
“You’re back, then?” I asked and he cleared his throat, running a hand through his hair with a few fingers.
“We can say that.” He said slowly. “I don’t have anywhere to stay, though.” He added, looking me in the eye. It came out of my mouth like I wasn’t even thinking,
“You can stay here.” I had said and he smiled more.

I invited him inside of the house; my parents had gone to see my grandmother, so I was home alone for a couple of days. I never said a word to my parents about hearing them talk about my adoption, I didn’t want to. I pushed it to the back of my mind to forget, but I never did.
“Are you hungry? Or want something to eat?” I asked as we entered the kitchen, I looked at Luhan over my shoulder and, seeing him in actual light, I could see how he was – he looked even better.
“No, I’m fine, but thank you.” He said politely. I nodded, putting the milk away and leaning onto the kitchen island. Luhan walked closer to me, a light finger of his lightly traced the light scar I had from my right temple – curving around to just under my eye, from when I was hit by a car, months ago.
“Baekhyun emailed me about this. I was surprised you didn’t. I thought we were friends.” Luhan said, lowering his hand slowly, to rest it on top of the kitchen island.
“Oh, I-I just didn’t want you to worry.” I said with a tilt of my head, a small pang of guilt rushed over me, for not telling him.
“I worried anyway. I was going to come sooner, but my parents had a problem with me travelling to South Korea without a cause, other than seeing you.” He said and my heart picked up a little, beating loudly into my ears. “But, I’m here now.” He finished.
“Thank you for coming.” I said blankly. He smiled and raised his hand again, pressing the palm to my cheek.
“I’m glad I came. I wanted to see you again, so badly.” Luhan hummed, this thumb running over my scar softly. “You’ve grown up.” He commented.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, things mixed together. I kissed him, I didn’t know if it was pure passion or lust, but I did. I almost knocked him down too, but I pushed him into the wall instead, to keep him up. I kissed him and he kissed me right back, like he was longing to do it all along. We ended up in my bedroom, first against the wall, we moved to my bed and stayed there, where we had . I had , with Luhan. When I first met him, such a long time ago now, in the choir room at school, I didn’t think for the slightest moment that we would end up there, in my bed – having . It wasn’t the last time either. I didn’t tell anyone, that while I spent most of the time in my room, I wasn’t alone. I was with Luhan, having, I guess you would say, the best time of my life. It was only when school was getting closer, was it that I finally told Baekhyun what had happened that night.
“You and Luhan did what now?” He asked with a blank stare on his face.
“I…we had .” I said with a nod. And I felt it then, the slap on my arm that Baekhyun gave me.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He asked, frowning at me. Another slap is what I received.
“I’m sorry, okay. I didn’t know how to tell you. It just…happened. I didn’t think that was possible, but apparently it is.” I said with a low sigh. Baekhyun laughed and smacked my arm again.
“My little Jongdae is finally growing up! And about time, too.” He hummed, doing a stupid little seat dance. I rolled my eyes backward, nodding slowly as I listened to him talk about different positions I should try. I had to actually tell him to shut up and press my palm to his mouth to keep him from talking.

It wasn’t then, that I realised that I was now a grade twelve. It was a few days later that I did. It felt weird, I was a senior. I was in my last year of high school, and I really had to pick up my game. I started to study like mad once school rolled around.

That was three years ago, when I was seventeen. I was now twenty. I don’t know if once you hit twenty you’re suddenly meant to feel older or even more mature, but I somehow did. I moved into an apartment with Baekhyun, when we both went off to university. That was when I was eighteen, of course. Things change, everything changes – people and the world change to coincide with each other for a longer time.
We went from dorms to living in our own apartment, in the city. I graduated early, but Baekhyun remained in school, I didn’t really know what for, he could have graduated with me. Luhan stayed in South Korea, he didn’t live with us though.
He worked and lived with Chanyeol, we thought it was an interesting arrangement, but they got along nicely – eventually.

★ Author's Note:

Okay, so this is the prologue + first chapter. The prologue stops where there's a space. I did it like that so you could tell. It took a few days to write this, and most of the time I was sleep deprived, so sorry if there are any spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes I may have overlooked!