|Tao|

Tao awakes from a dream to a nightmare.

He doesn’t want to wake up, so he keeps his eyes shut. But no matter how hard he tries, the noises in his surrounding are becoming clearer and clearer, and he’s having a strange sensation of slowly floating to the surface of a deep pool.

Finally, he reluctantly lets his eyelids flutter open, and he’s met with the wet surface of his pillowcase.

“.”

Was he crying in he sleep? Hell no. Hastily he pulls himself up and flips the pillow over. Heck, he can’t even remember what his dream was about, but it leaves him with an empty, unsettling feeling.

“Good morning!” Xiumin says brightly. Tao sees him waiting at the door, already dressed.

“Morning” Tao utters, grimacing as he stretches stiff muscles. He can tell today’s dance practice will not go well. It was a mistake to do wushu yesterday.

“You getting up?,” Xiumin says amusedly. “You have panda eyes. You look like Lawliet.”

“I don’t watch Death note,” Tao lies, evading Xiumin’s cheery conversation. He rubs his eyes, wondering if he should make a break for the toilet or just lie in bed for eternity.

“You do,” Xiumin pulls on Tao’s blanket, but Tao isn’t in the mood to play rough with him, not now, not this morning.

Not any morning, for a matter of fact.

Tao lets Xiumin pull it away from him, lets the cold air wash over his legs. The cold wakes him up, makes his mind a little clearer. It’s enough to annoy him. Tao wants to fall back into the bottomless pit of sleep and find back that dream, or rather, that nightmare that he knows subconciously arose from horrible memories. It's machohistic, but perhaps he just wants to erradicate that dream from his mind, solve whatever problem that was bothering him. Then perhaps he won't feel like there's something he has to accomplish, to finish, to put an end to. He just can't pin it down.

 He falls back onto his bed, stiff as a board, and closes his eyes. 

There’s suddenly a hand at his head. It’s Xiumin, Xiumin playfully grabbing for his pillow.

“No, stop!” Tao whacks Xiumin’s hand away desperately. He remembers the sudden need to protect his vulnerablility. Xiumin can’t see the patch of tears that have stained his pillow a darker blue, otherwise what will he think? It’s embarrassing. Tao shoves the pillow behind him and throws a blanket over it.

When he turns around, he sees Xiumin clutching his hand and looking at him like he’s crazy.

“Dude, you could’ve just said you weren’t in a good mood,” Xiumin mutters, his features pinched with annoyance. “It hurts, okay.”

Tao has to swallow the lump of guilt that has suddenly obstructed his airway. He didn't mean to do it, of course. It was out of self defense-for what? Tao clenches his fist. Overreacting like a little girl.

“You win, I’m awake,” Tao says as he pushes past Xiumin, briskly walking into the bathroom. He doesn’t want to see the look on Xiumin’s face. That won’t help at all.

“Don’t be a wet blanket!” Xiumin calls from the other side of the door.

Tao snorts, but he’s far too tired to open his mouth and reply.

After  all, he thinks bitterly, isn't Xiumin right?

 

~

 

At the breakfast table, Kris comments that his eyes are red. Tao blushes, causing the others to laugh and point out that his cheeks are red too. Tao’s supposed to laugh it off like it’s nothing, and in fact, it is nothing. He can’t help but feel very embarrassed and angry, because they made a fool of him in front of Kris, and that’s all that matters.

Luhan is also, once again, absent from the table. One less member for him to embarrass himself in front of.

Tao rubs his eyes with one hand. Are they really red? Why? Did he-

Then he remembers the scene in the morning; the wet pillow, Xiumin clutching his hand, borderline annoyed.

He lets out a sigh through clenched teeth, and it comes out as a frustrated hiss. He can’t even recall his dream, he never does. Nevertheless, it leaves a deep echoing hole in his chest. 

It has got to be about him. Tao eyes Kris laughing easily across the table, eyes bright, smile wide. There’s a stark difference between them. Kris is obviously relaxed. After all, there’s nothing he’s got to be afraid about.

It’s only him.

Tao winces. He wonders what he looks like now; tense and tortured. Fearful. Fearful of Kris.

There’s nothing to be scared of, Tao tells himself firmly, but even the voice in his head is trembling. He is afraid. He opens his mouth to join in the conversation, then closes it. Like the little wuss he knows he is.

That’s how he stays for the rest of the meal.

 

~

 

On a usual Sunday, Tao would feel relieved with Lay’s welcome distraction of an outing. But today is different. Instead of gratefully grabbing his chance to escape from his difficulties with Kris, he spends the day sulkily glaring at the computer screen in the confines of his room. He’s still mad at Xiumin, or Kris, for no particular reason at all.

It scares him how much things have changed. He used to be comfortable around Kris, they used to be best friends. The manager needed to keep them apart so that they would stay quiet. Now the manager needs to cue them to make conversation. Tao can no longer ignore the look of hurt that crosses Kris’ face whenever this happens. This is no longer something just affecting Tao, it’s affecting the rest of them too. Tao’s issue has become EXO M’s issue. They have finally noticed a difference in Tao’s behaviour, that small twist of anguish that crosses his face whenever Kris speaks, the slow but steady reign of silence that has begun to shroud Tao in a cloud of invisibility.

But what they think is unjust anger, is simply Tao’s infatuation.Tao’s fear.

Tao swivels his chair such that he now faces the door that is just slightly ajar. It also scares him how much feels he has been having lately. Feels. Is that the right word? Spasms of uncontrolled emotion? Whenever he sees a poster of Kris that someone jokingly pastes on the wall, he feels a small nudge, a twitch, and his heart simply crumbles like a cookie, crushed up in his palm.

It’s so hard to control his reactions, because a small push is all he needs to break down.

 

~

 

At exactly 13:42, Tao gets a text from Kris. Excitedly, he grabs his phone off the table and greedily reads the flashing message off the screen:

HEY TAO, there has been an interview planned with MTV on Thursday afternoon at twelve thirty pm with EXO K! I can't believe Kris kept this from us man- I'm just using his phone

And then another message comes through:

Sorry Tao, that was Chen stealing my phone-I regret not telling you guys earlier. See ya later at the dorm.:)-Kris (the real one)

Tao feels his heart sink at the words. Kris sounds so formal.  He tries to reassure himslef with the measly emoticon that was inserted at the end. At least he bothered to put a smiley. But it's just the normal one, nothing special about it at all.

The third time, the phone vibrates in his hand. Tao looks down.

TAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Meet me at my room later?  

Tao's about to feel more relieved about Kris' formality. And his heart starts to beat faster. Is this-?

Sorry again, tat was Luhan. Err, ignore the spam. Sorry. -Kris (again)

Tao puts his phone back on the table. Is he overreacting, or is mispelling 'that' as 'tat' a big thing? These are only texts, yet they're messing with his feelings. He shakes his head. This is stupid. I'm stupid.

His phone buzzes again. And again. And again.

Tao deosn't pick it up.