"I can't do it."

The boy looks across at the figure clad in white and shakes his head, unkempt raven hair falling into his eyes. The figure in turn, combs away the hair using his hand and looks into the boy's eyes, reduced from glorious shining orbs to bloodshot and ugly. Almost...scary, actually.

"I can't do it," the boy repeats, furiously rubbing at his temples. "He's gone...and I can't bring him back. I couldn't even tell him the truth before he..."

"Here," the doctor interrupts, holding out a filled glass to the broken soul. The boy accepts, and gulps the entire glass down, not pausing even for a second in between. "Better?"

The boys nods, a distant expression on his face.

"Well then," the figure says, picking up a petite notebook from under his file. "Shall we begin?"

"Mhm." The boy mumbles, before picking up the tumbler to refill his glass.

"When did this infatuation start?"

The glass drops down, a sudden shatter startling the figure in white. The boy leaps up from his seat and points a threatening figure at the said figure.

"It was not an infatuation ! I seriously-"

"Kim Jongin." The figure says sternly, his dominative stature forcing the boy to sit back down. When he is sure the raged boy has cooled down, the figure starts again.

"When did it start?" He asks, rephrasing his question only to earn a glare from the other, who is angered as to why the figure didn't choose to rephrase his sentence to include the word 'eternal love'.

Ah, youth.

"In December," the boy, Jongin, replies, fiddling with his thumbs. "A few weeks before he died."

The figure doesn't shrug or show any other emotion at the sentence. He simply sits there, waiting for the boy to start his story.

 

Kai was never a boy of many words.

He liked his surroundings quiet, and didn't appreciate anyone who tried to change that. He deemed people as unnecessary. The only ones he could stand were his family and best friend, Sehun. The former because he had to and the latter because Sehun had been his best friend since kindergarten and the younger boy respected Kai's need for peace.

"Kyungsoo, question five." All heads turned to face the owl eyed boy, who was looking at the teacher like she had just told him to calculate the mass of the sun mentally. Kai was the only one who wasn't paying attention to the whole ordeal, and was busy concentrating on his own work.

"This is the third time this week," the teacher said with disdain to the boy. "If I catch you day dreaming in class again, Kyungsoo, it's straight to detention with you." Nodding sheepishly, Kyungsoo sat back down.

"If I may?" Kai offered, raising his hand. The teacher nodded in approval and turned back to the blackboard as Kai recited the answer with complete accuracy.

"Excellent," the teacher praised once Kai sat back down. "Jongin, I need you to do me a favor."

"Anything, sir." Kai said, shaking his head.

"As you know, the final test that counts for about forty percent of your grade is next week. I can't have anyone failing it." The teacher paused, and then his eyes drifted over to Kyungsoo, who was currently trying to hide his crimson red cheeks.

"I want you to tutor Kyungsoo."


"Hey, go easy on the bubble tea." Sehun frowned, before picking up his own cup to slurp up the last of his chocolate flavored drink.

"Ugh." Kai said, chewing furiously on a tapioca pearl. "Why do I have to tutor him? I have to learn for the test too!"

"Who knows?" Sehun said, setting down the money for the teas on the shiny marble counter. "Maybe you'll learn better by teaching Kyungsoo."

"I'm still not sure." Kai said, rubbing his temples. "I mean, the reason he got caught today was because he was staring at me..."

"Huh?" Sehun asked, his eyes wide. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know!" Kai flung his arms up in exasperation. "He's weird. He keeps glancing at me during Math, and then he always sends me these letters. I never read them of course, just stuff them in my bag."

"Oh god!" Sehun said, slapping hard his dense friend's back. "Dude, he's totally crushing on you!"

"Whatever." Kai rolled his eyes. "I have no intention of being in a relationship, especially with someone like him."

"Hey, that's rude." Sehun said in a disapproving tone. "At least promise me that you'll consider him by reading his letters."

"We'll see." Kai said, picking up his bag from the ground. "Anyway, what are you doing later? Can we hang out?"

"Sorry." Sehun declined, getting up from his seat. "I have a date with a senpai."

"The one who looks like he could pass of as a fourteen year old?"

"Yup, that's the one." Sehun replied, winking. "He's really cute, isn't he? Luhan...he's Chinese, I've heard."

"I don't really care." Kai said, waving a hand. "It's your love life."

"I'll say the same thing when you come to me for advice," Sehun said, placing a hand on Kai's shoulder. "Laters."

"That'll never happen!" Kai shouted to the boy, who was already out of the shop by then.


"How many times do I have to explain this before it finally gets through your thick skull?" Kai sighed, flicking his finger at Kyungsoo's forehead. The boy winced in pain, and touching the part where Kai had hit, looked at the boy.

"I'm trying okay?" Kyungsoo whined. "We all have our weaknesses."

"Try a little harder then." Kai sighed, snatching his textbook from Kyungsoo. "The test is in two weeks, and you're still struggling with the basics." Kyungsoo watched Kai flip over the pages of the textbook, his jaw tightening at the older boy's atrocious answers. Kai...was seriously dreamy. He just had an attitude problem, otherwise he could've been one of the most popular people at school. But Kyungsoo knew that Kai wasn't a person who cared about all those things...and that was one of the reasons Kyungsoo was attracted to him.

"You listening?" Kai asked, waving a hand in front of Kyungsoo. "Aish, this boy. Seriously, what do you even think of so deeply?"

"N-nothing." Kyungsoo muttered awkwardly, heating up. "Um, can we take a break now? I'm kinda tired."

"We started only thirty minutes ago." Kai said, shaking his head. "At this rate, you might as well kiss away the chances of even getting a C."

"Just a few minutes of T.V...Please?"

And for some reason, Kai found it impossibly hard to turn down the puppy dog eyes of the older.


"You just smiled." Kai shot Kyungsoo a glare.

"No I didn't."

"You like Pororo!" Kyungsoo laughed, slapping his hand on Kai's knee. "Who would've thought, a cold guy like you liking a kids' show!"

"You like it too." Kai said defensively, shrugging off the older's arm.

"Yeah, but everybody already knows I'm childish. You on the other hand," Kyungsoo burst into another round of laughter before he could finish his sentence.

"Switch off the TV." Kai said, trying to change the subject. "We need to get back on track; we can't afford more distractions."

You're the biggest distraction, Kyungsoo thought as he stared at Kai's beautiful features.


"No." Kyungsoo stared at the boy, and his lips curled downward, to form an irresistibly cute pout. Kai felt butterflies in his stomach, but he ignored the feeling, concluding it to be breakfast that had disagreed with him.

"But I've never skipped any one of our sessions!" Kyungsoo argued. "Please Kai, this is really important to me..."

"And so is the test! Do you have any idea on how much your grade depends-"

"Yes I do!" Kyungsoo shouted, startling the younger. "I know! And I also know that it's no use how much ever I try because you're always going on about how I'm going to fail!"

"Fine, be that way. But don't come crying to me on the last day because you ditched your studies for a stupid music recital."

"It's not stupid." Kyungsoo said, wiping away a tear.


"Um, excuse me." "Pardon me." "Sorry could you give me some space?" This continued for about four minutes, until Kai finally got to the empty seat he had been scavenging. Settling down, he placed the bouquet of roses he had brought between his legs and sighed.

Why am I doing this again?

His eyes went over to the grandly lit stage, its elegance portrayed by the simple yet beautiful velvet curtains that hung over. Today was supposed to be the day they revised Calculus, but the older had cancelled saying that the school choir had a very important recital the day which they apparently had been practicing for since months.

Only for remaining in the teacher's good books, Kai tried to reason with himself. Not because I like Do Kyungsoo…or anything.

Finally, after a long wait, the closed curtains gave way and there stood the musical prodigies of Seoul High, Kyungsoo in the midst of them all. His hair were neatly combed and his usual ensemble of hoodie and jeans had been swapped with a rather mature looking suit. His bow tie was done perfectly, and Kai couldn't help but think about how handsome the boy looked.

After everyone was done introducing themselves, the piano tune started. It had a low symphony to it, but then Kyungsoo started singing.

Kai's jaw dropped. He was amazing. His voice was loud, yet not overbearing. The words were like a gentle waterfall, a babbling brook that provided but pleasantness to the listener. Kai found his lips automatically curl up in a smile, as he watched the other two main vocalists, Jongdae and Baekhyun, if he was not mistaken, take up the lead. They were good, but Kyungsoo had been phenomenal.

As soon as the performance was over, the entire hall astounded with applause and whistles. Kai was looking only at Kyungsoo, and their eyes met for a second, but the older was sure that he was mistaken and didn't let his gaze linger for long.


Clutching the bouquet closer to his chest, Kai shuffled amongst the rest of the crowd, trying to make his way backstage. He smiled when he saw Kyungsoo, and was just about to call out for the boy, when he saw another walk up to the scene and wrap Kyungsoo in his arms.

"Kris-hyung!" Kyungsoo said excitedly grinning from ear to ear. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Canada!"

"What kind of a brother in law would I be if I missed my Kyungsoo's first concert?" Kris said, cupping Kyungsoo's petite face in his hands.

"It's not even an official concert...." Kyungsoo said, embarrassed by the attention. Kris just laughed and patted the boys shoulder. "Where's Tao-hyung?" Kyungsoo questioned, searching the room for his older brother.

"He's very sorry he couldn't be here." Kris answered. "He's been having those asthma attacks again, I couldn't let him leave the hospital."

"Thank you for taking such good care of my brother." Kyungsoo said, wrapping his arms around Kris.

"Isn't that my duty, as his husband? Anyway, I was told to treat you to dinner, so where do you want to go...?"

Meanwhile, Kai was watching the scene with utter discomfort.

His fists clenched on seeing Kris. He didn't know who the guy was, but it was clear that he didn't like the whole touchy feely thing going on between him and Kyungsoo. Kai walked over to the two.

"I want spaghetti, with-"

"Kyungsoo." The older spun around on hearing his name, and after seeing Kai, did a double take.

"K-Kai? What are you doing here?"

"If you don't mind, can I borrow him for a sec?" Kai asked Kris politely, trying as much to keep his anger on par.

"Uhm, sure." Kris said, raising an eyebrow. He held out a hand. "I'm Kris, by the way. Kyungsoo's-"

Before the boy could finish, Kyungsoo had already been dragged along by Kai.


"What was that about?" Kyungsoo questioned once they were away from Kris. "You didn't even-"

"Who is he?" Kai hissed, jealousy dripping his voice. "Is he your boyfriend? Was that the reason you were acting so intimate with him?"

"He's my brother in law." Kyungsoo simply blinked, not understanding the situation. Kai's eyes widened.

"Your b-brother in law?" He spluttered, feeling extremely stupid.

"Yes. Anyway, what are you doing here? I thought you said that I was wasting my time on music and that it was useless." Kyungsoo said as a matter of factly.

"I was wrong about that." Kai said, rubbing the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry. You were amazing tonight, Kyungsoo."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I, um, even got this for you." Holding out the bouquet, Kai looked down in order to hide his flaming cheeks.

Why the heck am I blushing?

"Thank you." Kyungsoo said, sniffing the flowers. "They're beautiful, Kai."

And so are you, the younger wanted to say, but he refrained from doing so.



The cool winter breeze gently blew against Kyungsoo's puffed up cheeks and he shivered, rubbing his hands together for warmth.

"I told you to dress warmly." Kai said, rolling his eyes. He unwrapped the mauve muffler he was wearing around his neck and held it out for Kyungsoo, who just stared at him with his big brown eyes.

"Take it," Kai said impatiently. "I'm immune against cold." Nodding thankfully, Kyungsoo took the muffler and wore it, stopping just below his nose.

"Where are we going anyway?" Kyungsoo questioned, prodding Kai's side.

"Wait and see," Kai smirked making Kyungsoo’s heart skip a beat. Finally, after a few more minutes of walking, Kai immediately grabbed Kyungsoo's hands and led him inside a bush. The older was about to protest, when his gaze went over to the night sky.

He gasped.

 It was a full moon night, and the milky stars perfectly collaborated with the dark, mysterious backdrop to form the most picturesque night sky Kyungsoo had ever seen.

"I discovered it when I was five," Kai said, and Kyungsoo swore he saw the younger smile, teeth and all. “I was running away after an argument with my parents, and then I stumbled across this point.”

"Why did you bring me here?" The question brought a blush to Kai's cheeks, but he had an answer ready.

"I thought it'd help you unwind before the big test tomorrow," Kai admitted shyly. Kyungsoo wrapped the flustered boy in a hug.

"It did. Thank you." And under the stars, both boys could feel each other's heart beating faster than usual.


"How was it?" Kai asked, once he saw the teacher collect the answer sheet from the last boy.

"I think I might pass," Kyungsoo grinned. "I mean, I actually understood the questions."

"Do you wanna go grab a bite later...y'know, as a reward?"

"Sorry. My brother's visiting today. I'm spending the day with him." Kyungsoo paused, then looked apologetically at Kai, who just shrugged in response.

"Sure, whatever." Kai said, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. "Anyway, catch you later." Gathering up his books, he was out of the room before Kyungsoo could say another word.



"Dude, just admit you like him." Water splashed all over the wall, as Kai gasped in surprise.

"I don't! Ugh, if we're going to talk about this, I won't hang out with you anymore!"

"You're the one who wanted to hang out," Sehun reminded, rolling his eyes. "And about time too. Lately, all you've done is hang out with Kyungsoo."

"No I haven't." Kai said, wiping away at the liquid that he had spit over himself.

"I can already see the changes. You seem happier nowadays, which is really weird for you Jongin." Sehun paused for a second, then threw Kai a questioning glance. "So what happened? Did he turn you down or something?"

"For your information," Kai said, hands on hips. "He's the one who likes me, not the other way round. As if I'd ever like that weird dude. His eyes are too large, and-"

"Um," Sehun tried to speak, but Kai ignored him.

"-he's stupid. I had to explain a formula about a hundred times before he got it. I mean, I'm not picky, but..."

"Kai?" The voice made the boy spin around, and his eyes widened when he saw who it was.

"I-I just wanted to d-drop off your textbook," Kyungsoo said, trying to hide his breaking voice. Placing the said book on the table nearby, he turned around and burst out of Kai's room, tears stinging his eyes.

"Wait!" Kai cried out desperately. "Kyungsoo, I didn't mean that!" Kai ran after Kyungsoo as fast as his legs could carry him, but found that the boy was already gone.

, Kai thought, running his hands through his hair. I've really messed up this time.


"Were you able to catch him?" Sehun asked, once he saw Kai return.

"What should I do?" Kai asked, slumping down on the sofa. "I think I really hurt him.”

"I don't know, man. Only you knows what goes on in here," Sehun pointed to Kai's heart.

"You can at least help me," Kai grumbled. Sehun just grinned sheepishly.

"It's your love life."

Kai wanted to slap the boy silly, and he would have too, if he wasn't so busy contemplating on how stupid he was.



"Kyungsoo? He's upstairs, last room to the right." Kai smiled gratefully as the maid let him in, and his eyes drifted to where she had pointed. The last door...a creamish tinge to it and the bunny door hanger added to the cuteness. Rubbing his hands nervously, Kai climbed the stairs and gently knocked on the door.

What was he going to say?

"Come in." A voice resounded, and Kai walked in, closing the door behind him. Kyungsoo had his back turned, and looked like he was concentrating deeply on something.

"It's me, Kai." Kai saw Kyungsoo's shoulder stiff up at the comment, but he still didn't turn to face the boy.

"I'm sorry." Kai said. "If you hate me now, I un-"

"Did you read the letters?"

"Huh?"

"The letters." Kyungsoo repeated. "The ones which I gave you way before you knew who I was."

"No." Kai truthfully replied. He had been so busy with Kyungsoo, that he hardly had had any time left for himself.

"Otherwise you'd have known." Kyungsoo said sadly. "I-I can't hate you, Jongin."

Kai knew what Kyungsoo had written in those letters. He knew that Kyungsoo liked him, and honestly, he had fallen for the older along the way too.

This was it. No more lying. Not to himself, not to Kyungsoo.

"I lov-" Kai stopped as he saw Kyungsoo spin around, a frantic look to his eyes.

"No. Please don't." Kyungsoo begged. "I don't want this."

"What do you mean?" Kai asked. "I thought you liked me."

"I-I do."

"Then why?"

"I...I can't tell you. But,"

"So that's it." Kai said, his eyes staring into Kyungsoo. "Your feelings are that half assed. You like me, but you don't want to bother to worry yourself with a relationship. Is that it?”

"Jongin, please-"

"You don't need to elaborate," Kai held up a hand. "I'll leave right away."



Kai arrived home, and the first thing he did was hit his fist on the wall. Not a good idea, he regretted, as he saw crimson liquid stain his fingers. It hurt, but no tears came out.

In his eighteen years, Kai had never cried, and he wasn't about to break that for someone like Kyungsoo.


“Kim Jongin, a ninety-nine out of hundred.” Heads turned to face the mathematical genius, who didn’t bother to shoot anyone of them a second glance. For days, Kyungsoo had been the only thing revolving in Kai’s mind, especially since the older hadn’t been to school in three weeks. He had stopped after the fight between him and Kai. The teacher walked up to the thinking Kai and waved a hand in front of him.

“Oh, sorry sir,” Kai apologized, snapping out of daze. The teacher held out the paper for him and smiled. “Just keep up these grades, m’boy.” Kai smiled thankfully, and taking the paper stuffed it into his desk, not even bothering to check where that one mark had gone.

“Kim Minseok, a 76 out of…” The teacher droned on and on, and Kai listened attentively this time, wanting to know Kyungsoo’s marks.

“And finally,” The teacher said once he had distributed everybody’s graded tests. “I’ve saved someone’s test for the last, because honestly, their result surprised me the most.” Kai felt his palm get sweaty, as he tried to decipher the look on their teacher’s face. Was it a pleased one?

“Do Kyungsoo,” a pause. Kai frowned, and leaned forward, an anticipating look on his face. “A ninety out of hundred.”

The class fell silent. Kyungsoo…the student who was about to fail hardly a month ago had done better than most of the class? How was that possible?

“Congrats, Jongin.” The teacher praised, holding the paper up in the air. “You’ve worked hard as Kyungsoo's teacher. His overall grade will be greatly impacted by this test. In a positive way of course.”

Kyungsoo was the one who worked hard, Kai wanted to admit, but he didn’t really feel like praising the boy.

“Why don’t you take this to him?” The teacher suggested. “Deliver the good news yourself.” Before Kai could reply, the teacher had already placed the test in his hands.


“Ugh.” Kai’s eyes went over to the paper lying on his dresser. The name Do Kyungsoo was sprawled on the top in black ink and the rest of the paper was done quite neatly, with a few occasional cuts here and there.

What should I do? What would I say?

Kai’s anger at the older had subsided slightly, but his pride and confusion was stopping him from talking to Kyungsoo. As Kai got up from his bed to view Kyungsoo’s test once again, his bag that lay at his feet, which he had forgotten about, went tumbling down. The contents rolled out, and Kai cursed under his breath, bending down to pick them up.

He was just about to collect his algebra book from the pile, when he noticed a discernable magenta card that had also fallen from his bag.

It was one of the letters he had received from Kyungsoo.

Might as well read them, Kai thought, picking up all the letters he could find.


Most of them had been incredibly cheesy, with sappy love haikus and sayings, while some were outright bold. Kai was surprised that Kyungsoo could be so forward, because the younger always acted so flustered around him.

But all the letters brought a smile to Kai’s face, no matter how hard he tried to deny
it. With each syllable crept a warm blush to his cheeks.

Kai jumped from his bed, and slipped on his windbreaker. He needed to see Kyungsoo.



“Sorry for troubling you again.” Kai said humbly, looking apologetically at the maid that had welcomed him in a few days later. She looked sad today, for some reason, and Kai concluded it to be some personal problem. “I just wanted to drop off Kyungsoo’s test,” Kai explained. The maid looked clearly confused, so Kai held up the paper for her to view.

“Kyungsoo?” She finally uttered something. Kai could sense the dryness in her voice. “Didn’t anyone tell you? Kyungsoo...passed away a day ago.”

The test paper fell from Kai’s hands, falling to the ground before finally flying off due to the wind. Silence, and all that could be heard were the leaves rustling in the background.
 

“Coffee or tea?” The doctor questioned, pouring hot water into his cup of powdered coffee. “I recommend the coffee, since the tea here is .” Kai didn’t blink an eye.

“Water, please.” He requested. “Cold, if you might.”

“Again? You just had a glass.” Nevertheless, he did as requested and handed a paper cup to Kai, who gratefully accepted it. Taking it down in a gulp, Kai nibbled on the thin plastic before finally tossing the cup into the nearby trash can.

“Then what?” The doctor questioned, resuming his seat. Kai looked at him, his eyes cold and hard.

“Then what? I confronted his bastard of a brother in law.”

“How could you act like that?” Kai stormed up to Kris, and took hold of the latter’s shirt. He looked threateningly at the older figure. The people around, who had been mourning, had turned to see what the commotion was all about.

“What’s the problem?” Kris questioned. Kai could see that the older had been crying, but he was too angry to back off.

“So now you cry.” Kai said in disgust. “That day, at the recital. You knew, didn’t you? How could you act so casual? Knowing that Kyungsoo would..." Kai's voice trailed off. Kris was about to say something, when someone placed a hand on Kai's shoulder.

"Who are you?" Kai turned around to see a man of average height. He looked rather grim and stern, but his red eyes gave away everything. His red, owlish eyes.

"Are you Kyungsoo's father?" Kai asked, his voice cracking. The man's gaze softened for a while before he resumed his irritated expression.

"What are you doing here? Don't you know that it's rude to just burst in like that?"

"Kyungsoo." Kai said, finally letting go of Kris and turning to face the man. "Where is he?"

"I don't know what you're doing here," The old man said in annoyance. "But if you don't leave right now, we’re going to have a problem, young man.”

"Listen, I'm not leaving-"

"Kim Jongin?" Another voice spoke in from the crowd of people. A man who had been standing behind Kris came out, his eyes fixed on Kai. The man's jet black hair was wild and there were bags under his eyes. His cheeks looked flattened, and it was clear that he had been crying his eyes out.

"Kai."

"Yes, Kai. That was the name Kyungsoo told me to use." The man turned to face the other middle aged one. "Father, it's OK. He's Kyungie's friend." Taking hold of Kai's hand, he looked sadly into the said person's eyes.

"Come with me. We're creating a scene here, it's rather unpleasant." Kai didn't argue, he just trailed along, wondering what was happening.




"What exactly was your relationship with my brother?" Tao asked, his hands crossed. Both of them were currently in the car park, away from the rest of the people.

"I was assigned to tutor him. Nothing more." Kai casually answered, his hair gently blowing in the breeze, obstructing Tao from seeing the true answer in the younger's eyes. Tao sighed, and then looking at Kai, started again.

"I'm not Kyungsoo's real brother." Tao started. "I was adopted by his family, although I'm sure you must have noticed seeing that there are no similarities between me and his parents."

Kai nodded, not really interested in knowing Tao's life story. The boy sighed and rubbing his temples, continued talking.

"Kyungsoo was a good boy. He never made me feel like I wasn't a part of the family. He loved me like a real brother, and I him." There was a short pause.

"You can just burst into a funeral like that." Tao wiped away a silent tear and looked at Kai. "You asked right...why my fiancé, Kris didn't act like it was one of Kyungsoo's last days during the recital?"

"Why, because Kyungsoo followed some cheesy 'No regrets' rule?"

"Yes." Tao said, half smiling. "As a matter of fact, Kai, he did. Kyungsoo was diagnosed with cancer very early, almost at the age of six." Kai raised an eyebrow. Why hadn't Kyungsoo told him?

"It's not fair," Tao said sadly. "What fate does to kind people.  We were told that it was very hard to cure, because of certain factors. He had been going through medical procedures like surgeries for about twelve years. But the boy never showed it once, he was always smiling. I thought that he was trying to conceal his feelings, and I didn't want that. I wanted him to be more open toward me, but I was the one not realizing his true feelings."

"What do you mean?"

"He left this for you," Tao said, reaching for his pocket. "I found it on his desk before we left for the funeral." Kai could see the water b in Tao's eyes.

"Aish, especially when that boy told me not to cry at his funeral..." Tao mumbled under his breath before handing a small note to Kai. With a parting glance, he made his way back to join Kris and the rest of the family.

Kai held the white paper in his hands, arguing with himself on whether to open it or not. He wasn't ready for this; but he just didn't want to throw away the last gift Kyungsoo had left him.
 

He finally decided to, since his curiosity soon got the better of him.

To Jongin.

If you're reading this right now, I guess you know. I don't know if you still care though, but I want to apologize nevertheless.

My feelings were not half assed. They never were, I've loved you since I re-joined the school after missing an year due to medications. I loved you fearlessly, since I thought that I'd never be good enough to be your boyfriend, and that relieved me.

My last days in this beautiful world, thanks for making them memorable. I liked spending time with you, even if it was as a friend.

When you confessed to me, I was scared of loving you for the first time. I regretted that I had tried to get close to you. But once it started, I found it hard to just back away. I'm a selfish person, Jongin, I can't help it. I wonder if you'd still love me if you knew that.

This sickness is eating me away. I can't control it, and I know that to ask for forgiveness now is cowardice and hoping for too much. So I ask for only one thing, and that is to forget.

Please forget me, Jongin. Erase me from your life. Your feelings...they made me happy but if you hold onto them after this they'll never keep you happy. 

Do this one last thing for me, please. I ask for nothing else. Let them go, and move on. You're a wonderful person, and I'm sure that there are many more people in this world that deserve you more than me.

Tell my family I loved them. Tell Tao to not overwork himself so much. Tell Kris to take care of himself and my brother. I'll be watching them all, from above. Even you Kai.

Especially you.
 

And for the first time in his life of eighteen years, Kim Jongin cried.

Silence filled the room, and the doctor looked over at Kai, who had on a blunt expression.

"Nobody can bring him back." The doctor's professional tone had disintegrated to form a softer one. "And even though he lives on in our memories, as your doctor, I have to tell you, Jongin-"

"I told you to call me Kai."

"I have to tell you to move on. It's been more than a month. I understand your situation, but even Kyungsoo wouldn’t want you to go through this."

"You don't understand." Kai argued, biting his lower lip. "There were just so many things I wanted to tell him. But I didn't. Even the more, before he died, the last thing I did was walk out on him."

"Don't you think," The doctor said, leaning forward, hand resting in his chin. "That you'd have missed him more if you'd become closer to him?"

"Maybe." Kai said with uncertainty. "But I wouldn't have regretted it." The doctor sighed. Kai was an adamant one; but he was different. Even though his exterior was tough, inside he held what not most people do.

"You know," Kai said, settling himself on his seat. "I don't even know why Sehun sent me here."

"He's your friend, so naturally he'd be worried for you." The doctor said, as he jutted out his chin. "Anyway, Jongin, today is the last day I can see you. For a month anyway, I have tons of other appointments. And since we have only a few more minutes to this session, would you like to discuss anything else? Any more feelings you wish to vent out?"

"Nope, just write up the slip for the anti-depressants, and I'll get them from the clinic." The doctor raised an eyebrow.

"Anti-depressants?" He frowned. "You don't need those." Kai was a bit surprised.

"Really? All the other doctors I was sent to wrote me up a bunch of them. I've been taking them, but they aren't doing much."

"That's because you're not depressed. This is a part of life, Jongin. A teenager should experience love and loss at least once before they can fully mature into an adult." The doctor grimaced. "I can't believe those idiots. No wonder you haven't been feeling better. What you need is love, not medication."

"Uh huh," Kai said, nodding his head. Getting up from his seat, he started walking toward the door, but just as he was about to leave, he turned around to the doctor who had already gotten busy in his pile of documents.

"Thanks doc." The man nodded in response and did something that Kai never thought someone as professional as him would do.

"No regrets!" A voice resonated through the hospital corridor, as Kai had already opened the door. He turned around in surprise, and weakly smiled.

No regrets?

He'd try.