and the summertime must end

**

He knew screaming wasn't going to help with anything.

He could scream and scream, but there's the entire internet sitting idly within his grasp, destructive and heart-breaking. It almost feels like pieces of himself are being ripped off, thrown to the side and leaving him gasping for strands of air, yet nothing is being inhaled. The same dry feeling fills his lungs, his stomach curling as he hunches over the floor, in the corner, grabbing at the ends of his hair.

He's leaving.

Kris—or is it merely Wu Yifan now?—is leaving.

Poof. Like that. No messages, no calls, no nothing.

The cold feeling of dread just won't vanish, it's sticking to his skin and he can hear s talking in low hushed whispers around him.

"—He sued them? What are yo—"

"—This is awful—"

"—Do you think he knows—"

"—How could he do—"

"—What about forever?"

He chokes; throat constricting as he bends over, the heels of his palms pressing into the cold cement floor backstage. EXO is family. Family. Family doesn't just disappear, refusing to come back, refusing to answer their frantic calls.

And yet Yifan has done exactly that. In the past hour he's called about 74 times, and texted him 23 things and Yifan still hasn't answered. He's merely left sitting here, staring at his phone with cold detachment as new news articles appear on the screen, each giving a new fancy fact that Tao hadn't even known of until this very moment when he woke up, Sehun shoving his phone in his face.

"Kris sued SM."

Tao thought it was all just a bad joke.

Yifan isn't irresponsible; and he grits his teeth as Joonmyeon looks away, tears threatening to fall from his eyes, the stage empty with only one leader on it. Sehun drops his head and Luhan is staring off into a void space, Minseok behind him as a steady anchor.

"We are one!" Joonmyeon says, voice low, teeth gritted and chin wobbling.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

Chanyeol's hand drops on his shoulder, jolting him awake. He's holding his phone, looking in a far-away place even though his head is turned to him. Eventually, Chanyeol's eyes snap on him.

"It's Kris." Chanyeol says, lacking the usual manners he usually tries to withhold, and something steady sits in Tao's stomach at the words. "He wants to talk to you. He said he'd only talk to you."

"Not now," Tao tries to plea, but his hands open up and the phone is dropped within them. Shaking, he brings the phone to his left ear, the soft sound of Yifan's breathing suffocating him, and he drops to his knees, not sure how or why, but tears are streaming down his face, black lines streaking across his cheeks, and he doesn't say anything—nor does Yifan—he just sits there, on the cold hard ground, crying into the phone with loud sobs. Sobs of despair. Sobs of hatred. Sobs of guilt.

"Tao," Yifan tries, voice getting softer at the end of the syllable, and eventually it becomes like dust, dying within the space, constricting them both to whatever words are said next.

"Are you really leaving?"

Please don't leave me alone. Don't leave me.

"Tao—"

"Kr—" he stops, choking back a breath, "Wufan, are you leaving?"

Yifan swallows loud and clear, and Tao lets his phone drop to the ground with an angry dull thud.

**

The next attempt of Yifan trying to contact him comes 12 hours after the last phone call, and after the news article about SM's cruel treatment is released.

I'm going to die if I stay with SM.

Tao doesn't reply back. Merely staring at his screen until he manages to muster enough courage to go on Instagram, scrolling through the hordes of messages of fans begging for answers. And he has none. There are no answers, all the answers lay in Kris and he's long dead. Disappeared and gone with the wind.

All the comments range from We Are One and We Believe In You Kris and the messages all leave an icy feeling that fills his veins. No one seems particularly angry at Yifan the way he is. Is he in the wrong? Shouldn't he be happy Yifan can finally escape this lifestyle he never truly even wanted?

And yet he's not, because of selfish reasons.

He places his head against the phone. Exhaling.

"I spoke with him, you know," Luhan interrupts, leaned against the door frame and looking far, far away. So far that Tao has to grip the items around him, afraid that soon his eyes with will be casted to such an awful place that Luhan is currently seeing. "Before he sent the lawsuit."

Tao swallows, but Luhan leans his head back, eyes slowly closing.

"I told him to do it, but to be aware of the consequences that would follow."

"Luhan ge—"

"I said that even though he's going to have lingering attachments, he can't go back on what he's done. That the media will eventually find out, that the rest of the members will eventually find out, that SM will find out and when that all happens. Well, I asked him what he thought would happen. I can't believe him, he just said with some sad ing look 'Lots, probably.' And when I asked him about it again it was before he refused to come back to Korea and we were all going back and he said—"

Luhan exhales, and the feeling is so shaky, so de-centred. As though his entire foundation has been shaken, ruined and thrown aside. Which it has. Tao clutches his hands, his phone and it lights up with another message.

"—'Take care of everyone, make sure they're all treated fairly.' Fairly? What does he think this is? This is Show Biz, the cruelest place on Earth where fake people get together to please mass media because we have ing pretty faces. Yet at the same time I don't hate him. He's smart. He got out quickly, before he was ruined by it."

"I don't understand." Tears are blinked away, a single one falls, and Luhan squints open one eye at him, a sad look of pity and Tao's stomach rumbles at it. He's never seen Luhan been so expressive with his feelings on his face, but then again, he used to believe in forever's, too.

"No." Luhan laughs, short and cruel. "Of course you wouldn't."

**

They still go to practice, they still go out to eat and they all talkamongst themselves as though something isn't wrong, as though someone isn't missing. Yet all Tao feels is this sinking feeling as though he wants to die, to let it all go, because now, nothing is ever going to be the same. Everything is going to change.

"Baekhyun you have to unfollow him, they said so." Chanyeol says more pleadingly, "You'll get in trouble."

"I don't want too, why the should I unfollow him?" Baekhyun hisses back, cradling his phone against his chest, and Tao looks over to his manager, who had long ago confiscated his phone. Last night, right after Tao threw it at the wall screaming insanity, clutching at his heart and sliding down against the wall.

"He isn't a part of EXO anymore. Things like this happen, Baekhyun." Joonmyeon cuts in more coldly. "Look at U-KISS or DBSK, things happen. Groups split apart. It's just a bit early, so we weren't expecting it so soon."

Baekhyun shoots him a defiant look, shoulders squared back and eyes narrowed. "He's still part of EXO."

"No," Joonmyeon hisses, "He isn't."

"He gave up, Baekhyun." Kyungsoo sighs, throwing a towel to the side of the van and leaning back in his seat. Tao hangs his head down, not sure what he should say. Should he agree or let his heart do all the talking?

"He wouldn't have had to give up if they were treating him better and—"

"Do any of us get great treatment?" Joonmyeon interjects, "He should have at least spoken to us about it," he adds more softly, more broken and torn.

"It doesn't matter," and Tao is shocked, looking over to Minseok who's barely spoken a word to anyone about the whole incident, merely keeping his opinions locked inside, such a Minseok thing to do and— "EXO is forever. We are one." He whispers, and Tao's heart breaks, just a little more.

"Not anymore." Kyungsoo whispers back.

**

"His heart he—"

Luhan doesn't look surprised, merely curled beside Minseok with lazy blinks, watching how Chanyeol and Jongin keep repeating the same dance move to fill in for the empty spot Yifan has left. It burns a hole in Tao's chest, so he looks away, focused more on the words blurring on the screen.

Chanyeol stops, craning his neck back with a curious gaze.

"What's wrong?"

"He—He, mydrocarditis? Mydrocarditis?" Tao repeats angrily, stomping back and forth as though he has hooves and ends up kneeling in front of Luhan, who's eyes have sunken in. Baekhyun looks around, looking at the tense air for a bit.

"What is that?"

"A heart condition. That SM wasn't treating him properly for." Luhan adds, looking back and closing his eyes. Minseok's grip around Luhan's waist becomes a bit stronger, more forceful, as though to hold Luhan in place.

Joonmyeon covers his mouth, and screams.

**

He remembers when he first met Wu Yifan. The tall male with large doe eyes, a big heartful smile and shoulders sharp. He looked perfect, honestly. Tao saw him and had hearts growing within his eyes and all he could do was follow Yifan around like a lost puppy, trying to receive love and attention.

Yifan's trust came slow, but steadily.

Just like his love.

The patient and slow kind, the type that looked first before he fell, and Tao always tried his best to make sure Yifan was never falling into something he doesn't understand or else they'd both be unhappy. Like now. Like right ing now.

But he understands now, he understands why Yifan would try to disappear or would clutch his heart when they've been training for too long or were just yelled at. He understands now why he'd lock the bathroom door, refusing to tell Tao the next day why there's blood in the sink. It all falls into place.

You're dying. He texts Yifan, short and sweet.

It takes 2 hours, but Yifan texts back.

Not anymore.

**

Wu Yifan wins. He nullifies his contract and disappears, maybe he goes to Canada, or maybe China.

Tao has lost track over time.

Sometimes he'll feel nostalgic, look back at the beginning and sitting in front of his computer screen, skeletons from the closet coming out and wrapping their long bony fingers around his neck until he suffocates. Sometimes he'll drown in his memories, thinking back to the times fleeting kisses and fingers touching the back of his neck were his entire world.

They still promise 'EXO forever!' and their slogan slowly turns to salt in his mouth, making him feel suffocated.

We are one!

Luhan becomes EXO-M's leader, temporary and not really the leader.

But it all works out somehow. Somehow he's still breathing, still following Yifan on instagram, and sometimes they text, but they usually don't. Because the longer he does, the more he feels the need, the suffocating absolutely terrifying need to run his fingers along Yifan's skin, to hug him and confirm everything they had once upon a time wasn't just made up within his head. That it was real, and that they both didn't want it to end.

The first few months are hell, fans are in riots screaming at SM and demanding they do something. Their entire Overdose era slowly turning to because no one can sit down and listen to music when all they can think about is the fact that SM was ty enough to make someone quit in the middle of a new era.

But with the waves of time, mentions of Kris—the Kris from EXO—becomes jaded, barely anyone mentioning him anymore. Fans forget, new fans come, fans that never held attachment to this figure that disappeared. With the flow of time, even Tao starts to forget about it.

The feeling of Kris kissing him, or touching him or hugging him. He forgets his silly jokes, he forgets the way his smile melted his heart—because now it only makes it harder—and his eyes close.

Sometimes he has dreams of Kris, times when they were young.

And he thinks they're nightmares.

So... babies /hugs you all tightly/

it'll be fine. It will be. Kris will be happier, he'll see his mother more often. It'll all work out. I swear. I really do. 

Don't boycott SM just send them lots of hate tbh 

I think, this will be the final taoris thing I write. This is the end of taoris for me. The final chapter, were the book closes... I can't make the same mistake I did Hanchul, hopelessly clutching to delusions that maybe they'd find a way to be together.

(Yet, it just doesn't work that way, does it.)