Title: "Some Things Just Don't Have To Make Sense"

Author: paradoxdreams

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Kyungsoo/Jongin

Requested by: jp82899

Word Count: 2.1k words

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“Jongin, I told you, I’m not ing interested.” Kyungsoo said, for the nth time.

 

“Oh come on, Kyungsoo. We’ve been friends since our mothers gave birth to us. And I specifically remember how you told me you were so excited in finding the love of your life.” 

 

“We were kids, man. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I didn’t know reality back then.”

 

Jongin placed his hands on Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “This is reality. And reality says you have to start dating again.”

 

“No, reality says I don’t have time for that.”

 

“Really? Reality said that?” Kyungsoo noticed the sarcasm in Jongin’s voice.

 

He smiled in reply. “Yes, reality did.”

 

“Something tells me your reality is not the same as the reality I’m talking about.”

 

“Something tells me you better get out of my house.”

 

“Yeah? Well, something tells me I shouldn’t.”

 

“Really? Something said that?”

 

Jongin mirrored Kyungsoo’s smile. “Yes, something did.”

 

“ you.”

 

“That’s what you could have been doing if you weren’t just so close-minded.”

 

Kyungsoo sighed in defeat, not noticing Jongin’s innuendo. “I’m just not up for it, okay?”

 

Jongin frowned. “Alright, alright. I won’t force you. You know I never did.”

 

“Really? So what just happened a few moments ago was you not forcing me?”

 

Jongin couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, so maybe it was, but you know I was just looking out for you.”

 

Kyungsoo let out a small smile at that. Of course he knew, he always knew, and he never stopped appreciating whatever Jongin gave him. Even though sometimes Jongin could get annoying. “Yeah, I know. That’s why I had always been grateful for you.”

 

Jongin grinned. “Now, don’t get too sappy.”

 

Kyungsoo laughed, shaking his head. “You know I won’t.”

 

“That’s my boy.” 

 

“Always.”

 

---

 

When Jongin left that night, Kyungsoo had trouble sleeping. His bed seemed cold, the air just as bad, and the way he breathed felt like he was going to lose air any minute from then. Even in a freezing state, he didn’t hug his sheets for warmth. He hadn’t moved at all. He just lay there, staring at the ceiling, thinking, nonsense in every blink.

 

“.” Kyungsoo sprang up, thoughts turning on him with conviction. 

 

You love Jongin. 

 

No.

 

You know you love him.

 

No. That’s not true.

 

How could it not be true? You’ve loved him the first time you saw him.

 

No. No. That’s ing not true.

 

Is it? Or are you just afraid?

 

Afraid of what?

 

Getting your heart broken.

 

The last thought became a whisper of a distant soul, as though someone also spoke to him while he was speaking to himself.

 

Speaking to himself! How crazy of him! More reasons to make him incompatible to Jongin. More reasons Jongin can never fall for him.

 

More reasons to torture his shattered heart.

 

His fingers shook as they tried to retrieve the bed sheets that had fallen on the floor. Tears fell as he looked at them, white and pure, clean and simple, it hurt him to know he can never be like that. 

 

ing hell.

 

Comparing himself to an inanimate object! He was insane, insane to the core, and it made him want to lose his mind even more.

 

This must be reality. This must be what life had wanted all along for him.

 

Pain. 

 

Hurt. 

 

Anger.

 

Complete insanity.

 

Kyungsoo knew he was slipping away from what seemed to be living a good life, and it took every possible reason for him to enjoy breathing with his soul barely alive. 

 

He could only find one good reason, only one standing purpose for him to keep on going.

 

But that one thing, that single person, can never love him the way he was.

 

Jongin. Jongin, please, I need you.

 

His eyes found a knife lying soundly on his small wooden table. Jongin had used it to spread some butter on his bread, for dinner, because he was on a diet, he claimed. 

 

Kyungsoo tried not to laugh. Diet, he said, but he ate 5 pieces of bread during the process. Jongin was clumsy like that, which Kyungsoo loved about him.

 

Kyungsoo blinked. There it was again, Jongin had somehow kept him from letting his emotions put his bad thoughts into action. It had always been like this. Every time his adrenaline started pushing him into wrong, psychotic thoughts, telling him to do some harm, Jongin had always crept into him and vanished any possible trace of his previous intentions. Then the cycle just continued, again, and again, and again. 

 

His mind spoke of death, promise of silence, forever, but his heart argued the light that Jongin can only give. Sweet, pure, innocent, tranquil light. With Jongin, everything just felt nice, like beauty was shining on him, like serenity held him in all the empty spaces that pleaded to be filled.

 

Kyungsoo shook his head. As if doing so will brush off the thoughts that just kept on coming. 

 

Then he thought of things again, analyzed why he was going mad, at such a young age of 20, at a time that he’s supposed to feel like the world was just starting. He was at the brink of a life that’s just supposed to start, at a period where he was going to find what he loved doing, where he was going to meet new people, in a job he can call his own, a life a normal human had.

 

He wondered why his sanity was fading away from him, why his head was full of thoughts that shouldn’t even be there, questions that really don’t need an answer. He didn’t go through a traumatic experience, not that he knew of, none that he was affected by. His parents aren’t dead, he had siblings and relatives that loved him back, friends in a small circle where he knew he was safe in. What made him succumb to a silent depression both puzzled him and dawned on him at the same time. 

 

Maybe the lack of insanity got to him. Sanity itself had cut him off from his senses. That maybe this was just how his mind worked, how his heart beat, how his soul felt alive. 

 

In a way, it made him understand that there existed an emptiness inside him that he could never be able to make sense of, and as much as he wanted to, he knew he didn’t have to. It seemed to him as though nothing ever made sense, that nothing had to make sense. 

 

His breathing had become less labored, and a part of him knew he placed a missing piece in his very own secret puzzle. A tear left his cheek, a small smile crept to his lips, it was silent. For a while.

 

The doorbell rang, making Kyungsoo snap out of his world. Who could that be? 

 

“Kyungsoo?” 

 

His own name made his heart beat. He knew that voice, he knew it too well. “Jongin?” Kyungsoo whispered his name, like he was afraid he might have gotten it wrong even though he was so sure it was him.

 

“Kyungsoo, are you home?”

 

Jongin’s question was answered abruptly, Kyungsoo slightly panting as he opened the door to look at the one person he knew he loved. “Jongin. Why- why are you here?”

 

Jongin smiled, in his black shirt and wrinkled jeans, his cheeks started to flush. “I have to tell you something really important, Kyungsoo! Can I please come in?” 

 

He immediately got in, his hand pulling onto Kyungsoo’s, plopping both of them on the sofa. Jongin started giggling, like a little girl, and it made Kyungsoo laugh at the process. 

 

“What’s with you?”

 

“I’m just so happy!”

 

“What are you ‘so happy’ about then?”

 

“I’m in love.”

 

Kyungsoo suddenly felt like he was going to puke. “You’re what?”

 

“I’m in love, Kyungsoo. I’m finally in love.” Jongin’s grin was so beautiful.

 

But Kyungsoo wanted to cry. “I..” Though he knew he shouldn’t. “I’m so happy for you, Jongin! I’m really really happy for you.”

 

Lies. 

 

“I hadn’t realized it before. It was just so.. It just made sense. I’m in love. I love her.”

 

Kyungsoo couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t put a smile on his face and say nice things. He couldn’t laugh and feel happy because he was far away from those emotions. 

 

He snapped.

 

“ing hell, Jongin! To hell with all of you! I’m tired! I don’t want to do this anymore! Get your away from me and never ever come back!” He pushed, he kicked, like a lunatic in an asylum, he lost all his wits and broke down in a huge fit. He was so tired of this. Everything hurt. Everything just hurt. 

 

He was crying, but Jongin just stared at him. Jongin looked at him with a face that didn’t look so surprised, but curious, curious in a way that Kyungsoo didn’t understand. Why had he looked at him like that? Kyungsoo wanted to cry even more. It didn’t make sense. Jongin didn’t make sense.

 

“Kyungsoo, calm down.” Jongin’s voice was soft. It soothed Kyungsoo, and he hated it. Jongin didn’t need to put any effort; he had Kyungsoo wrapped around his finger whether Kyungsoo liked it or not. 

 

“Why? So you could tell me more about her? So you could slap me with lovey dovey ? Jongin, isn’t it already obvious? I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for a ing long time and you expect me to be able to handle something as painful as this? Are you that dense?”

 

It went quiet.

 

“Finally.”

 

Kyungsoo's mind stopped. “What?”

 

“You finally said it. You finally said it out loud.”

 

“Said what out loud?”

 

“That you love me. That you’re in love with me all this time.”

 

Kyungsoo was angry. “And? What are you ing getting at?” 

 

They stared at each other, silence suddenly became their friend. Before..

 

“I love you too.”

 

Kyungsoo knew he heard it right. Kyungsoo knew he had heard it from Jongin. But he wasn’t sure he understood anymore.

 

“Shut up. Just. Just shut up! No! Don’t do this, Jongin. Don’t say those words. You can’t coax me with like that. You’re in love with somebody else! And it’s a girl for ’s sake!”

 

What was Jongin saying? He said he was in love with somebody else. He said it. He was sure of it. Then why?

 

“I lied.”

 

“You what?” Was this a sick joke?

 

“I lied. She doesn’t exist.”

 

Kyungsoo didn’t know what emotion to use. Betrayal? It felt dramatic. Anger? He used that too much. Relief? For what, because Jongin came knocking on his door at 1 am in the morning just because he wanted to “lie”? He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he felt. It seemed like all the emotions are rushing into him, like huge waves that wanted him to drown. 

 

So he stayed there, with eyes b with a new set of tears. “Why?”

 

“Because I wanted to know what you’d feel. Because I couldn’t stop thinking about what you’d feel.”

 

Still, no emotion. “Why would you want that?”

 

“I was curious whether you felt anything for me. I needed to know. I had to know.”

 

Silence.

 

“Kyungsoo, I love you. I love you too much. Call me crazy, for doing all this, for coming like this, for telling you like this, but I’m in love with you. And I’d be insane not to let you know.”

 

Jongin had wanted to continue, explain a little further, but he cut him off before he could say anything else. Kyungsoo hugged him, wrapped his arms around the person whom he loved and hated with all the emotions he could combine. He didn’t care. For some reason, he didn’t want to care. They both didn’t want to. They were okay. 

 

“Please don’t say you love me.” Kyungsoo whimpered in the gentle arms of Jongin, shivering as his lips quivered in what seemed to be hurt. 

 

Jongin only held the vulnerable boy closer, whilst his heat radiated like soft prayers against Kyungsoo’s own skin. He knew the elder was broken, he knew it well, but he didn’t let that destroy the passion he had for him. He would never choose to let on. 

 

“I love you.”

 

“I just told you not to. I’m torn, Jongin. I’m out of my mind. I’m not capable of this.” 

 

“Kiss me.” 

 

Kyungsoo’s world stopped, and his eyes looked up at the boy who dared tell him to kiss him. He wanted to cry, and he did, but he only started crying when his lips were already on Jongin’s and he was so happy he knew those tears weren’t anywhere close to rage or agony anymore. 

 

“How do you this to me? I don’t understand.”

 

“Shh. Just kiss me.”

 

Kyungsoo never thought a simple hush could ever make him feel like he’s the only happy man alive.