I have good days and I have bad days, today happens to be a bad day. I’m rather relieved that I don’t have to be anywhere today, at least not required. I opt not to go out with everyone tonight and instead stay in.

On my bad days I like to just hide in my bed snuggled under my covers and try to picture what my life could have been like. What would have happened if my mother took me with her and the boys, what would have been different if my father wasn’t abusive? Would I have ended up here still?

The questions are endless and all don’t have an answer, not that it’s necessarily a bad thing. My life really isn’t terrible and I have come a long way from where I was.

I’m annoyed when I hear someone ringing the doorbell rather excessively. I waddle though the empty apartment with a blanket over my head to see who exactly is disturbing me. I open the door hesitantly, Jackson watching me curiously. “What are you doing here?” I ask him with a frown on my face.

Jackson a brow up as he takes in my appearance, pajamas and a blanket. “I came to check on you, Dayoung mentioned on the phone that you weren’t really up for anything.” He explains stepping forward, causing me to step back enough to allow him in.

“You could have just texted or called me.” I say pouting as I watch Jackson take his shoes off. “What are you doing now?” I ask put off by insistence. “I just want to sit in bed.” I say as I watch Jackson easily get comfortable in my own home.

“I know, but you look like you could use someone to just sit with you.” Jackson says walking in rather calmly. “I know you probably don’t want anyone close to you right now, but Cheonmi, I’m worried about you.” He says stopping, Jackson doesn’t look back at me. “You’ve been keeping to yourself more and more lately. “The others haven’t noticed, but I do. You’re getting quiet again; you aren’t talking to me again.” Jackson says quietly, turning around I see that he has a very serious look on his face. “I don’t want you shutting yourself off, like when we first met you.”

I watch Jackson warily, unsure how to comfort him, unsure how to tell him what’s been bothering me isn’t something I talk about often, if I can help it, not at all. “Perhaps it’s because I never discuss this particular subject.” I murmur to myself. “Let’s sit down.” I say louder, leading us to my couch.

Jackson watches me carefully. “Nichkhun-hyung told me that I need to be very attentive towards you.”

“I have a feeling he and Julia have that in common.” I say smiling slightly, Jackson’s brow furrows. “They notice and pay attention to a lot of things that most people don’t pick up on.” I explain. “Nichkhun is very observant and very caring.” I explain.

“He makes me nervous to be honest,” Jackson says while rubbing his neck. “Especially since he mentioned I might want to drop by to see you whenever you seem to pull back.”

“Nichkhun had been able to put two and two together about my life before I became or even had any interest in becoming an idol.” I tell Jackson quietly, committing to the conversation. I ignore the questioning look Jackson’s face makes. “My childhood isn’t something I can look back on with happy feelings.” I say slowly.

“It was that day he picked you up from the restaurant, right?” Jackson asks quietly. “When you were eating with Mark, right?” I nod my head, pulling my blankets closer to me. “Hyung came and picked you up.”

“And talked to me, he calmed me down.” I explain gently. “I’d lead Nichkhun to what had happened to me while I was growing up, but I haven’t said it in words, not since I told me brothers a few months ago.” I say watching Jackson carefully.

“You don’t have to,” Jackson says quietly. “Unless you’re ready to tell someone else.” Jackson takes my hand holding it firmly, rubbing his thumb over the blankets, the only thing separating us from touching.

I consider this for a moment; I decide that I am ready to tell someone. “You know that I grew up with my dad alone before I moved in with my aunt and uncle, correct?” I ask gently, Jackson nods his head. “My brothers lived with our mom.”

“Right,” Jackson says frowning, the look on his face says he doesn’t like where this is going, not that I do either though. “I know that your brother live with your aunt and uncle now too.”

“My aunt took me out of a bad situation when I was fourteen,” I say quietly, the words hurting me. “My father wasn’t loving or kind.” I explain further. “He was abusive and a drunk.” Jackson is silent as I tell him about my childhood. “My mother was on her way to pick me up from my aunt, she died in a car accident.” I say finally. “So my brothers and I started over with my aunt and uncle.”

“Cheonmi,” Jackson says after a moment. “You’re one of the strongest people I know.” I look at Jackson feeling confused. “To get through all of that, to care for your brothers, and to open up isn’t something I could imagine, it’s a weight you’ve been carrying around since you were little.”

“I think I’m ready to start letting it go though.” I say resting my head on his shoulder. “Honestly I’m tired of holding on to it.”

Jackson doesn’t say anything else, but then again, what do you say in reply to that? We sit on my couch for a long time, and honestly, I think it’s all I’ve need for a while, to tell someone I trust, to sit and enjoy the time.

It's been a while, I'm sorry. OTL
A short update though!
Enjoy my ducks~!