Always and Forever.

Hey there.

So maybe this is a little silly? Okay, so maybe it is silly but I don’t know how else to talk to you without sounding crazy to other people – although, I will say, it doesn’t really matter how other people look at me, but I guess I can worry about Kyungsoo. Last time he caught me talking to one of your favorite shirts, he threatened that he’ll really bring me to a psychologist next time he catches me. Could you believe him? But… Yeah, this isn’t about me. This is about you and I… Well, I miss you?

I guess it’s not as weird at all saying this on a piece of paper as it used to be before, when I feel like my heart’s not beating properly because you’re not around? Don’t laugh. It’s not cheesy because it’s true. Don’t laugh harder! I told you, it’s not cheesy. It’s true. I wasn’t used to saying it before because I didn’t want to seem like I couldn’t function properly when you weren’t around but I guess that kind of showed very much whenever they’d assign you to a different place that they’d stopped transferring you so I’d function properly like a professional?

How are you there? Are you doing fine? Are you eating alright? Are you sleeping early? Or do you still have that habit of watching every freaking show there is on the television before deciding you’re sleepy enough (when there’s nothing to watch anymore besides channel frequency lines which, at times, you still find interesting to watch)?

Me? Well, I’m doing fine, if I may say so. Of course, just don’t ask Kyungsoo because every time he sees me walking out of our room, he’ll stare suspiciously at me before turning back to whatever he is doing. I always pretend I don’t notice and I knew he is just checking if I’m still alive but sometimes, I just want to say to him upfront: “I’m still breathing, Kyungsoo! For God’s sake, when are you going to go back to your own house?” I know, it’s mean and it’s rude and he’s our friend and he’s just concerned. But I need this house to myself, do you understand me? I need to walk around the house and stop at the places where you back hugged me, where you suddenly stopped washing the dishes because I kissed your cheek, where you reminded me to put extra blankets on our bed because it would be cold, where you told me you’d get the groceries even though I lost in rock-paper-scissors because I looked really tired, where you always put on our matching slippers, where you would always drop your coat or your shoes or your scarf and I’d yell at you to pick it up, where you almost bathed me with hot coffee because you wanted to see sunrise together, where you told me you love me, and where I told you I love you.

I know, it will be like torture but I need that. Maybe, it will make this all clearer to me because it isn’t yet. I know I told Kyungsoo and Chanyeol and Luhan and Sehun and Jongin and Junmyeon that I’m alright now. It’s been one month after all. But tell me, please, because you always tell me everything and even though they don’t seem to be the right answers all the time, they ease me up. Like when I asked you why snails are slow and you answered maybe because they don’t want time to pass by fast or when I asked you why butterflies die easily and you answered maybe because they don’t want to be arrogant being so beautiful for a long time or when I asked you why we only have twenty-four hours a day and you answered maybe because we need tomorrow to come. So please, tell me, how do I be alright when I know I’m never going to see you again, talk to you again or laugh with you again? It’s unfair… We were only together for one year. Why do you have to be gone to quickly? It isn’t fair.

Don’t worry. I’m not saying all of these things to worry you. I’m fine, really, maybe not happy, yet, but one step at a time, right? I’ll get there. We’ll get there. It’s just that I really miss you so much. I miss you so damn much.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you.

So much, can you feel it there?

It hurts. Where are you? There are tears in my eyes right now. Didn’t you promise me to be always here whenever I’m sad and crying? Where are you? I’m nearly dying because of too much sadness in my heart right now. Where are you? Where are you?

I know it’s selfish and I know it’s impossible but please God, if you’re there with him, I know you can here me, can you please send him back? A day will be enough for me. No, even just an hour, God. Please, half an hour will do! Please, God, even just ten minutes, no, even just a minute. I just need to see him again even just this one last time. I just need to tell him how much I love him and how I really, really love him. I didn’t tell him enough when he’s here with me and I regret it so much. So please, God, please, I’m begging you. Just… Send him back here to me even just for a few seconds.

I need him. I need to see him. His face, his stupid, always smiling face which never fails to bring a smile on my own face, his long and loud laugh, his crinkling eyes whenever he’s thinking of something really important and his pink ears whenever he’s going to tell me something extremely embarrassing, I need them, God. I need them. He’s like my air. Without him, I’m going to suffocate. So could you please, God… Would you please grant me my wish? Please…

He feels extremely light-headed, like everything he knows in life has been vanished from his head. He’s not sure where he is. Last thing he remembers, he is on their bedroom, writing a letter on bed for…

“Hey,” Baekhyun hears, and he feels his eyes watering at the magical sound of that voice he missed so much, that voice he’d give anything to hear again. He turns around and sees Jongdae standing before him, with that same silly smile he always has for Baekhyun, that smile that will always assure Baekhyun that everything is going to be okay.

“Jongdae!” Baekhyun wails, immediately running to Jongdae and hugging him tightly, not wanting to let go, never wanting to let go. If there’s anything Baekhyun wants to do, he wants to stay like this, his arms around Jongdae and Jongdae’s arms on his waist. He cries and cries and cries. All the other things he wanted to say gone because Jongdae’s in front of him.

Jongdae’s in front of him.

“We don’t have much time, Baek,” Baekhyun hears Jongdae saying. There’s sadness on his voice but Baekhyun can still feel Jongdae’s smile against his cheeks. It’s not easy for neither of them but Jongdae doesn’t want to make this any harder than it already is. Like always, protecting Baekhyun and making sure Baekhyun is okay. Like always, putting Baekhyun first before him. Like always…

Baekhyun pulls away though not completely to look at Jongdae’s face so close to him.

“Someone told me you have something to say to me?” Jongdae offers, smiling up at Baekhyun, still holding his waist.

Baekhyun suddenly remembers. His wish! Is this truly happening? But Jongdae said they don’t have much time and there are millions of things Baekhyun still wants to say to Jongdae. He’s not sure if there’s ever going to be another chance. It still breaks his heart into the million pieces it already is but before that…

“I love you,” Baekhyun says softly and it surprises Jongdae because Baekhyun has never been the vocal one about his feelings. Jongdae would often snuggle and cuddle with Baekhyun and tell him he loves him and sometimes, Baekhyun would answer but sometimes, Baekhyun would mostly nod and kiss Jongdae’s forehead, cheek or lips.

“I love you,” Baekhyun repeats, louder and clearer this time. “I love you, Jongdae. I love you when you told me you like me and you asked me to go out with you. I love you when you brought me to those romantic movies you never liked because I love them but you don’t and you love zombie movies which I hate. I love you when you wait for me on the waiting shed because it’s raining and you know how I always forget to bring an umbrella. I love you when you stayed at home because I was sick and we couldn’t watch that Luhan’s soccer game together. I love you when you wake me up with feather kisses all over my face. I love you when you kiss me even when I’m one hundred percent sure I’m being arrogant or nasty or an all-around obnoxious jerk who takes his boyfriend from granted. I love you for being with me and putting up with me for a whole year. I love you, I love you, I love you. I wasn’t able to tell you as often as you deserve before. But now… I just want to say that you’re my love, Jongdae. I love you. I mean it.”

Jongdae has been speechless throughout Baekhyun’s speech, just looking at Baekhyun and Baekhyun is worried. Is Jongdae still standing before him? But he’s still holding him close. Is Jongdae still listening to him? But he’s still positive he is still in front of him. Baekhyun looks at Jongdae’s face and his eyes are glistening. But he is still smiling, fondly, lovingly, yearningly at Baekhyun. Before Baekhyun can say a word more, Jongdae leans forward and kisses Baekhyun’s forehead. “You didn’t have to say it before, Baek,” he tells him, “I know.”

“I love you,” Baekhyun says again through Jongdae’s kiss.

“I regret that we can’t spend more time together,” Jongdae continues on, his lips still close to Baekhyun’s forehead and even though when he looks at Baekhyun’s eyes again, he was smiling, Baekhyun knew Jongdae’s heart. “But I’m always here, Baek. I’m always here.”

“I love you,” Baekhyun repeats again. He’s going to say it as much as he can this time. He’s going to say it because he means it and Jongdae deserves it. He’s going to say it to Jongdae because he doesn’t know if he’ll ever have another chance to say it.

Jongdae smiles.

He kisses Baekhyun’s forehead again. “I’ll miss you, Baek. So much.”

He kisses Baekhyun’s cheek. “You be okay, alright? You be okay.”

He kisses Baekhyun’s lips, chastely, genuinely. “I love you. Always and forever.”

Baekhyun wakes up.

There are tears in his eyes. His body couldn’t stop shivering and he couldn’t stop himself from crying. Only when he sees Kyungsoo opening the door with Chanyeol and their other friends behind him does he realize he’s not in their room. He’s in an unfamiliar room, with white curtains and white bed sheet. He stares blankly at his arm with a needle on it attached to a bag of dextrose.

Their friends worriedly run to him and ask him what’s wrong. Seeing him crying and fragile and absolutely mortified after he was sent to the hospital for having an overdose of sleeping pills is truly horrifying. “What happened?” Kyungsoo asks, holding Baekhyun’s shoulder because the latter is still shaking badly.

“I’m never going to see him again, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun mutters. At first, it isn’t audible enough for them to hear, but it becomes clearer as Baekhyun says it over and over again, crying miserably as Kyungsoo tries to hold him together. “I’m never going to see him again. I’m never going to see him again!”

Later, when Baekhyun has finally calmed down, Kyungsoo hands him a piece of paper. Their other friends already left, despite the worry and concern for Baekhyun, Kyungsoo assures them that he’ll stay with their friend. They have things to do. They need to have things to do. Losing one friend one month ago was already too much. Almost losing another last night has drained all of them.

“You didn’t have to tell him you want me to leave, you know,” Kyungsoo says, sounding as serious as he always is albeit he is offering a weak smile to Baekhyun. “What if he comes back and chases me out of your house?”

“Then I’d be happy to see him again,” Baekhyun answers, looking at the piece of paper Kyungsoo hands him. He notices that the letter ends on ‘Where are you?’. He stares at Kyungsoo and asks, “Where’s the last page?”

Kyungsoo looks dumbfounded. “That’s everything, Baekhyun,” he tells him. “When I found you unconscious, that’s everything I found you writing.”

Oh.

“He wouldn’t want you to be like this, Baek,” Kyungsoo says.

“I know, Soo,” Baekhyun answers, turning to catch Kyungsoo’s gaze this time, “I know.”

Hey there.

I love you.

I still miss you.

I love you.

Is God with you? Can you please tell him ‘thank you’?

I love you.

I’m getting better, you see. Kyungsoo is even thinking to go back to his own place back.

I love you.

Hey? You told me you love me, didn’t you? You told me always and forever, right?

Well… I love you, Jongdae. Always and forever.

It was dark and Baekhyun was behind Jongdae, arms tight on Jongdae’s waist as they sped up on Jongdae’s motorcycle in the highways of Seoul. Baekhyun has always loved seeing the night and the city all lit up. Whenever Baekhyun feels like it, Jongdae would take him out of the city, just drive around and see the wonderful view of Seoul with all its beautiful and sparkling lights.

Suddenly, Jongdae said loudly, enough for Baekhyun to hear, “Hey, Baek! Could you take off this irritating helmet out of my face and wear it instead? It’s bugging me.”

Baekhyun laughed but did as Jongdae told him.

The breaks of the motorcycle wasn’t working anymore, they told Baekhyun, after they said that Jongdae died from the accident they were in, having sustained serious injuries on his head.

End

10:38 PM

So I finished something. OMG. Yes, I’m not supposed to sound giddy and everything despite writing angst and full of sadness . I’m not to blame! I read this sad fic that made me cry before dinner and that’s why I managed to write something sad, too, after dinner. I think I wrote this for like more than one hour but less than two hours? Anyway, I wrote this in a fashion like: write… write… write… I can’t proofread it because it just makes me sad. I know, I wrote this and all but yeah… So, sorry for grammatical or typographical errors!

I love BaekChen. OTL.

I love BaekChen.

I love BaekChen.

/cries/