Chapter 39 - It is not you

The morning after both Soojin and I had managed to be quite cheerful despite our disastrous lack of sleep. In hindsight, I’m still not sure what that specific morning held, that made us so unusually lively and cheerful. Perhaps it had been the sight of the bright sun that shone through that little creaky window, marking the beginning of a brand new bright day – and the last full day we had left. Or perhaps it was because we finally had come to peace with the fact that we were just plainly unlucky with the assigned morning routine. I could only speculate on the reason. Whatever it was, it didn’t truly matter.

Soojin was softly humming to a song I hadn’t heard before as we entered the stuffy kitchen our motel harbored. We opened the old-styled cupboards, all the while loudly discussing how much tea cups we would need to provide all the students with morning tea. All in all, it was a relatively simple task. One that didn’t necessarily require a lot of brain activity. Yet, my brain began to function fully the moment Soojin decided to seize the silence that had ultimately fallen upon us to bring up a topic I had considered buried a few hours prior.

‘’You were talking about Jung Daehyun last night, weren’t you?’’ She reluctantly passed me the bunch of tea cups I had asked for earlier, all the while contemplating whether the timing of her particular question was appropriate. I kept awfully quiet and despite always wanting to play situations like this off coolly, I still made my movements come to an abrupt halt in shock of her accurate guess. I suppose that I wasn’t in the slightest pulling this off coolly or unbothered, but instead I was playing this off rather dramatic.

‘’How’d you know?’’ I asked while slowly resuming my movements. I took the few cups she was holding from her before I carefully placed them on the tray I was meant to carry to the dining hall. My focus was on the cups as I neatly – and casually – tried to arrange them in order to avoid Soojin’s oh-so curious eyes. A part of me was honestly embarrassed that she, or anyone else for that matter, would know the truth about my feelings for Daehyun. Another part of me didn’t find this an all too big deal. For some inexplicable reason, this last part was being dominant today.

I slowly looked up at Soojin and took notice of the signature smile gracing her lips. Raising both her shoulders in a nonchalant matter, she answered: ‘’I just put two and two together. It really wasn’t that hard.’’

At that response I could only nod sheepishly. I had purposely not mentioned Daehyun’s name, but somehow she had still managed to figure it out and I would be lying if I were to say that I wasn’t the least bit curious about what had ultimately given it away. With a firm step out of the kitchen, I quickly glanced around the hall to see if there were other students close to the little space we were in, but to my luck I found nobody nearby us. The hall was completely empty and I guess that that made sense given that most students were still in their dorms.

‘’How so?’’

She shrugged once again, the corners of lifting themselves up ever so slightly. ‘’Well, first of all, you implied that he was popular. Jung Daehyun happens to be a popular guy. Second, the way you described him, just gave me this feeling that it was him. Besides, the only boys I’ve seen you surrounded with were either Jin or Daehyun. And also, Suji kind of gave it away too, so…’’

I nodded slowly at her clever reasoning, all the while realizing how right she was; the only guy I had interacted with besides Jin was for a fact Daehyun. Maeri hadn’t witnessed him bringing me to class because she simply wasn’t in our homeroom class to begin with. On the contrary, Joohyun was, but she was often so engrossed in herself that she hardly paid attention to who was seen with whom. Moreover, it was only one time that Daehyun bothered to me to class and it was indeed Suji who had witnessed that. We could have been seen together near my lockers, or that one time I shared lunch with him, but that was hardly anything that would give it away.

I cleared my throat awkwardly before tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. It was silent and for a moment none of us were really sure of what to say. It wasn’t all too surprising that Soojin eventually broke the silence she had caused in the first place. With yet another sympathetic smile she told me: ‘’just so you know, I really don’t mind any of it anymore. It’s not like you need my approval, but I just want to let you know that I’m kind of over him. As a matter of fact, I’m happy for you. And believe me, I can see why you like him.’’ She managed to bring the statement out jokingly and I took notice of her smile becoming even wider in reassurance. As if her smile was contagious, I found myself smiling faintly as well.

‘’Why thank you,’’ I managed to bring out just as jokingly as she had done prior.

The slight awkwardness I had felt was completely gone by now and we both laughed for a bit before she then managed to change the topic to something entirely new as she asked me: ‘’did you know that, since tonight is going to be the last night, some guys of the other class are planning to hold this small party in their dorm?’’

‘’Party?’’ I questioned with slightly furrowed brows. I suppose that it wasn’t unheard of. All the juicy stories told by our seniors who had already experienced this trip, had one thing in common; the nights were eventful.

I don’t know why my peers felt the need to release their inner wild child on their nights in a foreign country, but it happened a lot. And in a way I guess it made sense; we weren’t allowed to go out during the night and that had caused dissatisfaction to many. This rule didn’t stop students to sweetly behave instead. During the nights, many people would sneak out their room to visits others – having a little silent party of their own in there. The teachers wouldn’t like it; it was forbidden even. Girls weren’t supposed to spend their time at the boy’s dorm and vice versa – especially not at night. The general rule was therefore quite simple: after 10:30 PM, you were ought to stay in your little dorm. It wasn’t as easy for teachers to maintain this rule however. Initially, teachers would keep watch in the halls, but even they would need sleep eventually – especially since they had to rise early as well. Because teachers gave up relatively quickly and early, it was clear to walk down the halls during midnight. Only thing was that you had to be quiet and cautious while you did so.

Soojin nodded absent-mindedly, her attention more on the plates she was currently stacking up. ‘’It is the biggest dorm, because they share it with eight people. Apparently, they managed to buy alcohol and have it hidden in their room. They invited some people to celebrate the last night with them.’’

I shook my head in disbelieve. The nights before had been peaceful. I hadn’t known of many people sneaking out, and if they were to sneak out it was mostly girls who went to sneak out to the dorm of other girls simply because their group of friends was too small to fit in one dorm. It had been relatively harmless. Especially in comparison to the stories I heard about other classes who were sneaking out - and sleeping in other dorms - every single night. Now, our behaved class didn’t seem as harmless anymore though.  We didn’t have many rules regarding our stay here, but those eight boys were about to break every rule that existed nonetheless.

Soojin took notice of my expression and shook her head along with mine in agreement. ‘’I know right? They are crazy! Well, I’m not going.’’

‘’Were you even invited?’’ I mocked jokingly.

Soojin chuckled good-naturedly. ‘’Well not really, but everyone is kind of invited. But invited or not, I got other plans anyway.’’

I wiggled my eyebrow suggestively and carefully took hold of the big tray that was now filled with cups and a couple of tea spoons. I was about to make my way to the dining hall, but realized just in time that Soojin’s comment was way too interesting to not hear out first. In amusement, my lips parted as I teased: ‘’other plans? That sure sounds interesting.’’

‘’Actually,’’ she said as she herself took hold of another tray she had managed to cover with lots of stacked up plates, ‘’you are invited to that dorm as well.’’ Soojin signaled for me to start walking and I obeyed as I took notice of her becoming even more cheerful than she had been before. Therefore, it wasn’t hard to guess whose dorm she was referring to. Still I had to ask.

‘’To who’s dorm?’’ The tray I was carrying became heavier by the second and I quickened my pace in order to reach the dining hall faster. Soojin thankfully followed my example.

‘’Hoseok’s and Jin’s.’’ I could tell that she had tried to answer nonchalantly, but she wasn’t able to hide her excitement quite like she had wanted to; it was hard to miss how ecstatic she felt with the invite. I chuckled at the sudden lovey-dovey sight of her, all the while wondering whether I smiled just as happy and goofily if I thought about Daehyun – just like she apparently did with Hoseok. She was so obvious about how she felt about the boy she had been so engrossed in lately. It was cute how she acted around him and suddenly, I couldn’t simply decline the offer of observing her in the mere presence of him.

I guess that that was the reason I eventually ended the last night of this trip in their dorm.

‘’You keep winning! It’s not fair!’’ Soojin declared with a pout, pushing Hoseok playfully in the process. I met eyes with both Joohyun and Maeri, exchanging a knowing look, before our amused eyes shifted towards our respective cards again.

Watching Soojin in the presence of Hoseok had been more entertaining than I initially held possible. Joohyun and Maeri agreed with me whole-heartedly on this because their eyes, as well as mine, were constantly peeking over the cards, observing the – what I expected – soon to be couple. Hoseok laughed faintly before he shrugged and withdrew himself from a game of bull, leaving us to compete for the next winner.

‘’You know, your dorm is better than ours is,’’ Joohyun remarked randomly at one point, looking around in awe, before she carefully placed a card she claimed as a seven on top of the other card. Upon hearing those words, I came to follow her line of vision, soon noticing that she was right. Hoseok and Jin shared a room with two other guys, making them four – just like us – yet their dorm was bigger and nicer.

‘’Is it?’’ Hoseok chuckled sheepishly, his eyes more focused on Soojin than they were on Joohyun whom his question was directed at.

I yawned and placed a card I claimed as another seven on the pile before I sheepishly came to look at the time on my wrist. 01:46 AM; it was pretty late already. It made me realize that the situation at hand was a little crazy. Technically, I was breaking the rules; I wasn’t in my own dorm like I was supposed to be. On top of that, I was in Hoseok’s dorm – which was deemed even worse. It wasn’t anything like me to go against the rules, but since everyone had been doing it on this last particular night I hadn’t bothered to act so behaved myself. What I was doing was nothing compared to the other students anyway. I was for a fact sober. Besides, the ambiance in this room was great, therefore making it worth breaking the rules – even if I were to get caught.

We weren’t with much. In fact, we were only with five; just the girls I had shared a room with for the past couple of days, and Hoseok. In a way I had been relieved that he was the only guy among us. Especially since Jin had been acting so odd to me during this trip. I couldn’t quite put my finger on his behavior, but it was strange to say the least. The one moment he acted as his usual self, which was friendly and funny but then the next he was all somewhat awkward and distant. Perhaps it was this constant shift in behavior that made me slightly relieved about him not being in his own room. Instead he, as well as his other two dorm buddies, were at that alleged dorm party held on the other floor.

‘’Seven,’’ Maeri sounded as she placed her card on the table as well. Still caught up in my thoughts about Jin’s weird behavior, I failed to notice that Maeri placed her last card. This marked her the next victor. The victory was something I easily could have prevented if I had paid more attention and hadn’t allowed Soojin – who was new, and a complete disaster, to this game – to place her card over Maeri’s. After all, if I had done so, I could’ve opened Maeri’s card and if that had been the case there was at least the possibility of catching her lying.

‘’Ha! That was my last card! And I lied!’’ Maeri declared proudly. Her arms were held in the air in victory and she laughed as she playfully added: ‘’ers! You guys weren’t even paying attention to me!’’

She allowed Hoseok to high five her before she stood up and did her little dance of joy. I only laughed at the sight before I threw my cards up in defeat. I wasn’t feeling the, now fourth, game anymore, and I suppose that both Soojin and Joohyun weren’t either as I watched them follow my example. Yet another yawn left my lips – an awful reminder of how tired I actually was and I realized that every night on this trip had somehow become late. That in combination with my breakfast duties had caused a severe case of fatigue. All I wanted to do was to call it a night, yet I couldn’t bring myself to leave immediately.

‘’I beat Aerin!’’ Maeri continued to dance in joy. I shook my head before I shifted in my position, now shamelessly lying on the rather dirty floor instead of sitting on it. The floor had felt hard against my at one point and the comfort of the beds in my own dorm started to sound more tempting as time progressed.

‘’Her thoughts were barely on the game. Her guard was down and that’s why you were able to win,’’ Joohyun pointed out, bursting Maeri’s bubble with a soft chuckle. She, too, took on another position after she succeeded to collect all the cards.

‘’Hey, I don’t care that her thoughts are on Jin. At least I won over her! For the first time!’’

I rolled my eyes and met Maeri’s eyes soon after. I playfully glared at her and noticed the playful mischief in her eyes. Those eyes were very much in contrast with mine, since mine were staring at her blankly by now.  I decided not to comment on the consistent teasing of Maeri and instead stared at my watch again. Over the course of this trip Maeri had managed to tease about Jin multiple times already; all because she was somehow convinced that I had been talking about him that one night. How wrong she was.

‘’Just admit it already Aerin!’’ she persisted, unbothered by the fact that one of Jin’s close friends was able to hear her perfectly. Because I didn’t like Jin in any way like Maeri had been implying, I didn’t mind the teasing as much. Perhaps it was therefore that I didn’t feel as much embarrassed about it – even with Hoseok present. Instead, I had playfully brushed it off every time. That often caused Maeri to become more vocal about it however.

‘’Okay I’ll stop,’’ she chuckled once she figured that she wouldn’t get any amusing reaction out of me. ‘’But you guys got to admit that it was cute how she fell asleep against his shoulder!’’

I rolled my eyes for the second time, simultaneously recalling that specific moment she was referring to. Earlier that day we had experienced a very long and moreover exhausting hike. To make matters worse, it had been extremely hot as well. Fortunately, the teachers had rented a bus to ride us back to our motel rather than to walk – like we had done on our way up there - because if they wouldn’t have done so I surely would have passed out from fatigue.

During the hike I had mainly hung out with Maeri, Joohyun and Jin. Soojin and Hoseok had been with us as well, but they were so engrossed in each other that I couldn’t exactly count them within our group. The hike had been pleasant despite the energy it took. A lot of jokes were made and a lot of amusing stories were told, mainly by Maeri, who kept proving herself to be very amusing, teasing and moreover outgoing. I suppose that it therefore wasn’t surprising that it was Kang Maeri who ultimately ensured that I was seated next to Jin once we got into that rented bus. After only fifteen minutes of the journey, the drowsiness had managed to kick in and because of this I had apparently snuggled up against Jin’s shoulder. It wasn’t a big deal at all. After all, if it had, for example, been Joohyun who happened to be seated next to me I would have fallen asleep on her shoulder as well. Still, Maeri refused to hear about this logical explanation. She kept insisting how cute it was and I hadn’t even bothered to convince her otherwise. In a way, her suspicion about my feelings for Jin were a relief; Maeri had no clue about who I actually had been referring to that night. Needless to say that I wanted to keep things that way.

‘’Yeah, yeah, very cute whatever,’’ I muttered jokingly, unable to prevent another yawn to escape my lips. That yawn was the final indicator; the final sign that I really needed to go to bed. I was about to announce my leave to the group, but then Maeri proposed to play a different card game. Heads were nodding vigorously, all in confirmation of yet another game, but I didn’t feel like participating at all. I stood up from the floor and properly adjusted my sweatpants before I friendly declined the offer and announced that I was going to head to the dorm again. Everyone nodded understandingly, while something in Maeri’s movements told me that she wanted to protest at first. She didn’t do so however. Instead, I watched as her eyes trailed towards the door. The sound of a key sticking in the keyhole could be heard and I ignored it, figuring that it was probably one of the original residents of this dorm coming back from upstairs. I wished the others a good night and made my way towards the door, only to be confronted with the sight of a slightly red Jin. He seemed a bit surprised to see me. I watched him blink and I only smiled faintly at him before I quickly bade him goodbye as well. I didn’t bother to wait for a response and instead stepped away as I carefully glanced around the empty hall.

Concluding that everything was safe, I quickly but soundlessly ran to my dorm, breathing out in relief once I had managed to enter without any commotion. I was about to close the door behind me when I took notice of the sudden sight of a figure standing right in front of me. I gasped, startled with the unexpected sight of him, before I calmed down and placed my hand over my chest. I had almost mistaken Jin for a teacher – catching me breaking the rules. Then, while I breathed out once more, I said: ‘’God, you scared me.’’

He rubbed his neck and chuckled sheepishly, all the while standing still in his spot. I couldn’t figure out why he was here and patiently waited for him to elaborate, but it only resulted in a very long silence. Frowning, I took a step back, allowing him to enter my dorm so that I could close the door. After all, I didn’t want to risk the chance of any teacher seeing us. Even if it was a very small chance.

I hesitantly crossed my arms, not sure how else to posture myself and watched as Jin suddenly came to stare me right in the eye. His eyes stood fierce and I began to feel self-conscious since he didn’t avert his gaze somewhere else. Instead, we held somewhat of a staring contest. I felt uncomfortable with the fact that he wasn’t saying anything. Clearly, he was the one who wanted something from me, so whatever it was I figured that he was the one who needed to speak up first. I sighed inwardly, all I wanted was to sleep and he was preventing me from doing that – and apparently for no legit reason.

‘’Um… Is there something you wa—‘’

‘’I need to tell you something,’’ Jin then interrupted. He took a firm step closer to me and I frowned at his sudden boldness as I stepped away from him and casually seated myself on my bed.

I fluffed my pillow, feeling nervous for a reason I couldn’t yet explain. ‘’I actually want to go to bed. Can’t it wait until tomorrow?’’

He shook his head and told me that it couldn’t possibly wait. Something in that moment told me that things were going to get unpleasantly confronting. Yet, I ignored the feeling. And so instead of insisting for him to tell me tomorrow, I watched sheepishly as he took a seat beside me. Initially, I wanted to protest against his bold action, but then again I didn’t want to come off as a nag.

He scooted closer to me and while that happened I took notice of the faint smell of alcohol lingering around him. It wasn’t weird, given where he had just come from. Still, I didn’t necessarily feel comfortable with it. He wasn’t buzzed – at the very least a bit tipsy – but still something about Jin under even the slightest influence of alcohol was off-putting. I recalled how he had acted the first time I attended his party, he had been in somewhat of the same state and I remember how much I had disliked that setting. It was a feeling similar to how I felt now.

‘’Aerin, I need to tell you something. I- I…’’ he seemed almost reluctant if I were to take a closer look behind that made up faux confident armor of his and in that moment all my previous thoughts of him acting odd were confirmed. In that moment I also came to realize why he had been acting odd in the first place. He wasn’t exactly different from me in that aspect. I was acting just as odd while I was around Daehyun.

Which could only mean one thing.

The feeling of Jin’s lips suddenly pressed against mine, made me snap out of my initial train of thoughts about Jin’s alleged feelings for me. The action overturned any doubt I had had regarding the matter and for a moment I did nothing in a state of shock. My eyes were open as I watched Jin close his and it took a mere second for his lips to move against mine. The movement immediately stopped the moment I instinctively pushed him away from me however, detaching our lips in a fragment of a second.

‘’I- I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I just—‘’ He snapped out of whatever it was that had been possessing him and suddenly came to stare at me hopelessly. It was an entirely different posture than he had displayed before.

Not entirely sure what do or say, I cleared my throat and told him that it was okay, all the while biting my lips so hard out of nervousness that they could bleed. I had never been in a situation such like this one before and I honestly couldn’t tell how I needed to handle it. The best, or better yet easiest, scenario was that in which he would just apologize before excusing himself out of my room. It was the least confronting and awkward scenario possible and I suppose that it was therefore that it was also the most unlikely one. Settings such as this one, don’t sail smoothly. Nothing in my life sails smoothly.

I nervously rubbed circles on my sweatpants. ‘’You didn’t mean it like that, it’s okay.’’ I tried to squeeze the words out more nonchalantly. I tried to smile in order to reassure him. I tried to be a bigger person than I truly was and I cursed myself for playing this out anything but smooth and mature. My faint smile seized to exist the moment I took notice of the serious expression on Jin’s face. That, as well as the suffocating silence that suddenly came to hang over us made me all the more aware of how earnest he was.

‘’I did mean it though.’’

‘’Wha—‘’

‘’Honestly, I like you Aerin. I have done so for a pretty darn long time and I’m surprised to find out that you had no clue. I know it’s crazy, we don’t even interact much. We are barely friends, but you are on my mind a lot. I feel comfortable around you. Like I can be myself you know?’’

I closed my eyes for a quick second, all the while contemplating on how to reply to his confession. In a way, I should have seen this coming. The little signs had been there all along, but I just refused to believe them. Sure he had made flirty remarks, he had done so a lot of times, but that didn’t necessarily mean that he was really serious.

‘’Say something…’’ he pleaded once I failed to make a sound.

‘’Jin, I- don’t… I- I can’t retu—’’ I was completely tong-tied. I had always liked Jin as a friend. A friend I was now bound to hurt. It was inevitable. There were two options for me; I could either lie about my feelings for him or I could tell him the truth and reject him while doing so. Both options were confronting and moreover hard. I paused for a bit, unsure on how to word things, before I opened my mouth and breathed out the breath I didn’t even notice I was holding.

‘’I’m sorry but I don’t feel the same way,’’ I brought out to say more firmly than I had ever imaged myself doing.

‘’Why not?’’

I blinked at the unexpected question, all the while realizing that it was a rather good question too. One I couldn’t possibly answer without revealing that my heart happened to be set on another guy. Another guy he happened to know incredibly well. A guy he had unfortunately already lost a girl to.

‘’I- I like somebody else.’’ Although I had wanted to say it confidently, it came out as a mere apologetic whisper. Almost as if I had to feel guilty about being in love with somebody else – which I kind of did.

Yet another silence filled the air of my suffocating dorm. Seconds, a minute even hours seemed to go by in silence before Jin finally allowed the meaning of my words to sink in. His brows furrowed slightly and he seemed to be deep in thought before he looked up and allowed his eyes to meet mine.

‘’Who? Jung Daehyun?’’ Jin’s brows almost reached to the ceiling as he came to scoff Daehyun’s name out loud. I blinked a couple of times, all the while trying to make sense of this sudden situation.

‘’Wha- how- what are you talking about?’’ I clumsily let out all at once. I wondered what it was that, apparently, made the ‘relationship’ between me and Daehyun so obvious, but even after contemplating on it for a few seconds I couldn’t possibly come up with a plausible explanation.

‘’You think I don’t hear people talk about it?’’

‘’What are you talking about? Who?’’ It was ridiculous that I was trying to keep my feelings a secret so desperately. If I perhaps had been honest and clear about it in the first place, I never would have been in this situation.

‘’That’s not the point Aerin! Just be honest with me!’’ he suddenly stood up and ruffled his hair in frustration. I came to feel terribly bad for making him look so desperate all of a sudden. He looked like a lost puppy and I was the one who had caused him to be so lost in the first place. Jin’s posture changed the more and more he seemed to realize that I wasn’t going to change my mind. Or heart. It was set in stone.

I kept quiet, for I simply couldn’t bring myself to answer his question.

A big sigh left his lips and his shoulder drooped as he turned around, his back now facing me. Under his breath I could faintly hear him murmur something along the lines of: I can’t believe I’m losing to him again, and the words made me feel more guilty about myself than I had felt before. He said a soft goodbye and I called after him as he exited the little dorm. Needless to say that my calls were to no avail. His steps had been firm and within seconds he was out of sight.

He didn’t want my comfort and in a way I couldn’t even disagree with him on that. Still, I felt incredibly bad about all of this. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t my fault; that there wasn’t anything I could possibly have done differently. That eventually, this would all pass.

But even as I was aware of the accuracy of those thoughts, I couldn’t help but to feel like I was the absolute worst human in the entire world.

______________________________