a/n:

Warning: Drama ahead

Luhan was still not himself when he came in the next day. Sien was well enough to get out of bed, though she wasn't allowed to get out of the room since she couldn't exhaust herself. The most she can do was to sit down on the table, her laptop open as she tries to write down the first draft of a story, suddenly inspired.

    She was sitting next to the window with the laptop on her lap when Luhan came in for his last checkup on her that day since he always do two checkups, three times if she really was in a worse condition than usual, not that she had gotten really that good.

    "I see you've really shook off the writer's block, huh?" Luhan greeted, a smile that didn't quite reached his eyes aimed at her.

    She cringes with the look on Luhan's face, she hates it but smiles a little anyways. He went through with the usual routine, asking her questions. Did she feel better today? What she thinks of the effects of the new medication? Was there any chest pain, numbing or palpitations?

    "Everything is fine." she assures him.

    "Okay." he says, turning towards the door after a minute or two. "I'll be leaving then. Don't tire yourself out."

    Gathering up the courage, she calls for him. "Can I go outside?"

    "Sien, you know you can't go running around--"

    "It'll be okay as long as you're with me." she cuts him off. "It would be okay if you're there, right?" it wasn't supposed to be a question, but she was feeling jittery and nervous that she can't hold herself together.

    Luhan sighs. "Fine. But we're only going to stroll around the garden. And well be back in 15 minutes."

    "What? An hour!"

    "Don't push it, Sien."

    "Thirty minutes?" she resorted to pouting, knowing that even if Luhan was upset with her, it would be hard for him to resist her when she tries to be cute.

    "Fine, fine!" Luhan relented.

    Soon, they found themselves sitting on a bench at the small garden, the place mostly empty since it's almost dusk. The wind was cool and there were still several birds around even it's getting late. It's quiet, but it's fine because it wasn't the kind of quiet that was empty.

    "You know, my dad loved my mom very much." Sien says as they settled on a comfortable silence.

    "I know."

    "They met when they were in college. And my dad was instantly smitten. He was a playboy back then, much like Kai. But when he met my mom, he had never looked at anyone else again."

    Luhan didn't comment but she knew he was listening. She continued.

    "He knew mom was sick. But he kept himself close. I didn't know how he felt when mom died, maybe never will, but that I've familiarised with that loneliness in his eyes as I grow up. Whenever he looks at me, he seems to be not looking at me but somebody else. He's longing for someone else, not me. I'm not hurt because of it, but I am hurt for him. I hate seeing him sad all the time."
    
    Luhan kept silent.

    "I don't want you to have that same look if I--"

    "You're not going to die." Luhan cuts her off.

    It's her turn to be silent. Tears were pricking at the corner of her eyes, but she held them in. "I am, Luhan. Sooner or later, I am."

    "I don't care." Luhan says silently. 

    "But I do." she replies, "I don't want to hurt you--"

    "Then stop pushing me away." this time, there's a sad tremble in Luhan's voice, it's heartbreaking. "Let me in. Let me... just let me love you..."

    "You can't love me, Luhan. I'd only be hurting you." 

    "So what?" Luhan sighs exaspreatedly. "I already told you, I don't care. I don't care if you die tomorrow! Just let me love you! Open up your heart to me because it hurts me more when you push me away! Okay? It's okay if you get scared. But let me be the one to hold you. You don't have to be alone through all of this, Sien. I am here. Just give me a chance."

    Sien shakes her head. "Why should we try when we already know the outcome? Heck, Luhan, I can't even be too happy because my heart will stop beating, literally. I can't be too sad becaue it will do the same. How can you expect me to love?!"

    "You are so unfair." Luhan's voice is shaky. "You are so selfish! You don't wat to hurt me?" he scoffes bitterly, "Or you don't want to get hurt?"

    "Don't say that."

    "You are scared of trying because you don't want to get hurt." he accused. "You are scared that people would leave you because you think you're going to die anyways, so why would people spend their time with someone's who's going to die? You say you don't want to hurt people when you leave, but what really scares you is when you open up and find yourself alone."

    Sien started crying silently. Somehow, she realizes that Luhan's words were true. Behind the tough exterior she's displaying is a girl afraid to find out that she's left alone because nobody wants to waste their time on a dying girl.

    Suddenly, there were arms holding her, and she sobs silently into Luhan's chest.

    "I'm breaking apart, Luhan..."

    "I will hold you, don't worry. I am here, Sien. We will go through this, I promise. One of these days, we'll find a donor and you'd be fine. Okay? You don't have to be scared. I'll always be here."

    Sien feels hot liquid dropping on her arm, making her cry even more. She holds onto Luhan desperately as if he was her lifeline. In a way, she knows he is. 

    "I thought I was ready. I was ready to die, Luhan. But now... I'm scared. I'm really scared..." she sobs. Somehow, admitting it out loud is scarier than keeping it in, as if the reality had just set in when she acknowledges it.

    "I'm here. I'm here." Luhan says over and over again. "I promise we'd get that happy ever after, okay? Just hold on a little longer."

    She's scared to death, but Luhan's arms anchors her. Somehow, it gives her the hope she had lost a long time ago.

***

    A few days later, Sien had a relapse.

    The hole in her heart almost reopened. Operation wasn't an option. She needed a transplant, and soon.

    There was still no donor.