A/N: Prepare tissue, because I was crying while writing it *running nose*

 

Taeyeon

 

Cactus. What’s on your mind when you heard about cactus? Spiky plant? Cowboy? Well, here is the explanation about cactus that I found from Mr. Wikipedia.

 

“A cactus (plural: cacti, cactuses, or cactus) is a member of the plant family Cactaceae within the order Caryophyllales. The word "cactus" derives, through Latin, from the Ancient Greek κάκτος (kaktos), a name originally used for a spiny plant whose identity is not certain. Cacti are native to the Americas, ranging from Patagonia in the south to parts of western Canada in the north—except for Rhipsalis baccifera, which also grows in Africa and Sri Lanka.

 

Most cacti live in habitats subject to at least some drought. Many live in extremely dry environments, even being found in the Atacama Desert, one of the driest places on earth. Cacti show many adaptations to conserve water. Most species of cacti have lost true leaves, retaining only spines, which are highly modified leaves. As well as defending against herbivores, spines help prevent water loss by reducing air flow close to the cactus and providing some shade. Cactus spines are produced from specialized structures called areoles, a kind of highly reduced branch. Areoles are an identifying feature of cacti. As well as spines, areoles give rise to flowers, which are usually tubular and multipetaled.”

 

So, do you guys understand now what cactus is, right? Yeah, cactus. And this is story about me who loves cactus.

 

===

 

I never want to be at this stage in my life. Being on a peak of my career where stress and pressure come more often than happiness and joy.

 

It’s not like I want to complain about my life—well, I chose it. And I don’t have any rights to argue or complain about it in matter of fact. But I can’t help it, life is about complain, gets and forgets.

 

But, everything changes when I met this girl, a year ago, in the middle of the rainy night, holding an umbrella to cover her body from rain with one of her hands, while the other hand she used to hold something, like a pot—tiny pot.

 

I looked her from a far, from my car after doing my unending schedules on the day. I was waiting for manager oppa to come from the broadcast building to take me home. It’s too risk for me to drive alone in the middle of the night when it’s rain and something bad can possibly happen, like accident or kidnap.

 

So, there she was, under the yellow umbrella with one of her hands wet because of the rain and she smiled, enjoying the rain drops on her hand.

 

I looked at her in awe, I mean, what she’s doing? Doesn’t she have to sleep at this hour? It’s freaking 2.34 am and rain heavily. I looked at her without blink, eyeing her figure from a far from head to toes. She wore milky pink dress and her left hand was wet because of the rain, and so did the tiny pot she held.

 

I smiled unconsciously just by looking at her doing that small activity. At that time I was so mesmerized by her beauty figure. She reminds me of a person that I know I can’t have her, not even in a million years.

 

Tiffany.

 

“Taetae,” she puppy ran to me and she hugged my arm as I and the other members walked on the red carpet of an event. She always is that whiny, especially with me.

 

“Don’t run, Ppany-ah,” I leaned closer to her ear and whispered, “You might trip, you don’t want that happen right?” she shook her head lightly as we walked elegantly and waved to the cameras.

 

We always close to each other, especially me and Tiffany. I’ve been her roommate for so many years even after we debuted and now become the #1 South Korean girl groups in the world.

 

She knows almost anything that happen to me and so do I. I know almost everything about her, but she doesn’t know one thing about me. Only one thing that I even don’t have any plan to tell it to her.

 

No, it’s not like I’m afraid to tell her the truth. I just, what can I say? I just don’t want to ruin our bond, our relationship that we built these past long years. And beside I’m not yet ready to lose her if I tell her the truth.

 

“Taetae, look, I read another tumblr about TaeNy,” on the other day, when we’re shooting our new music video, she happily told me while showing her pink phone. She really loves and addicted to pink so much. Everything in pink is hers; no one can have it rather than her.

 

“You look a bit bigger there, Ppany.” I and chuckled as I saw her reaction. She went to Sunny to ask if it’s true or not. And Sunny, being a good affiliate of mine, she would tell that it’s true and saying that she’s getting fat and stuff. And by the end Tiffany will complain about the food I make to her and others that really good and protest to me to not cook any delicious foods again.

 

TaeNy. That’s what our fans name us. TaeNy means Taeyeon and Tiffany. Our fans; Sone, who ships us calling their self as Locksmith. They love TaeNy. They start talking about us, taking pictures of us together and being in touchy moments, make stories about us and even they said TaeNy is real. TaeNy is love each other more than just any word can explain.

 

Everyone loves TaeNy. And I do love Tiffany, but she will never know how I feel towards her, because I’m a coward who afraid to tell her what I feel and how I feel towards her. She doesn’t know or maybe too innocent to realize the hints that I already gave to her.

 

I’m lost. Lost in between love, hope and give up until I meet this girl in baby-pink dress under the rain. I was speechless until I opened the car door and approached her with only my Burberry coat, no one saw me, and I felt free when I walked to her.

 

She seemed didn’t notice me as she kept closing her eyes and smiled. A smile that I realized more beautiful than Tiffany. I felt the rain drops calmed me down after the hectic schedules and seeing her just a few meters from me making me tilted my head like a kid and smiled to her.

 

I turned my gaze from her face to her hand. She held a pot of small cactus. That time was the first time I changed my view about cactus. I knew cactus as a spiky yet scary plant, but when I saw that cactus on her hand, the cactus is really cute, and tiny.

 

“OMO!!” she was taken aback when she saw me stood in front of her just few meters away.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I bowed my head politely and smiled to her. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said with my body drench in wet from head to toes, and made me to narrowing my eyes to look at her. “What are you doing here??” I asked her and put my hand on my forehead to prevent rain drops hit my face.

 

She didn’t say anything, instead she walk closer while smile and shared her umbrella with me. The rain drops hit the umbrella instead of my body. “You might get sick,” she said with her sweet angel-like voice. “I just take a walk with my friend.” She showed me the small cactus on her hand with small flower bloom on top of it.

 

“Friend?” I asked her in curiosity and confused. It was just a plant, what so special about it and moreover why did she call it ‘my friend’?

 

She nodded her head and looked at her so-called friend. I saw it, I saw a smile that for me is brighter than anything. A smile that make me feel warm and comfort at the same time. A smile that I’m more than willing to see it again and again in the future.

 

“Taeyeon!!” I heard my manager oppa shouted to me. I turned my back to wave at him.

 

“It’s nice to meet you,” I said softly to her, ignoring my manager oppa signs to go there, “I’m Taeyeon, and you are. . .” I trailed my voice as I don’t have any clue about her name.

 

“Janhae,” again she smiled and she gave me the small pot on her hand. “For you Taeyeon.” I took the small pot and bowed my head again.

 

“Taeyeon, come on!!” My manager oppa came with big umbrella and dragged my hand.

 

I walked unbalance while looking back at her; I smiled to her with the pot on my hand. “Gomawoyo!” I shouted to her before get inside the car.

 

And the day after that night, I keep myself busy in my room. Trying to figure out how to take care of a plant. Because I never had any plant before. Right, I had a plant once, but it didn’t last long as my schedules were really super mega busy and I didn’t have time to take care of it. It died three days after I bought it from the flower shop.

 

That flower, I planned to give it to someone that occupying my head for these several years already. But too bad, it couldn’t survive more than three days. And after that incident I never buy any plant anymore. I just don’t want to see they died, it’s too stressing.

 

Knock. . . knock. . .

 

“Unnie. . .” Seobaby voice snapped me out and quickly open the door.

 

“Oh, Seohyun?” I smiled and stepped aside to let her in.

 

“What are you doing unnie? You seem busy in your room.”

 

“Aahh, ani,” I rubbed my back neck and chuckled, “I just reading something about cactus, I want to know how to grow it and to take care of it.” I explained to her.

 

“Cactus?” I nodded my head.

 

“My friend gave it to me last night,” I took the cactus from my table and showed it to her.

 

“It’s cute, small and the spikes feel like fuzz,” she touched and caressed the cactus spikes, “just water it enough unnie, and it will be okay,” she smiled to me, still caressing the cactus, “and oh, the breakfast is ready. Kaja unnie.”

 

I nodded and put the cactus on the table. I poured the water from my bottle to the pot. “There you go, drink well, hmm?” I talked to the cactus before went out from my room.

 

Your POV

 

“How many cactuses do you wanna have? Don’t you think it’s so many already?” she asked while looked at me and pointed at the racks of cactuses in front of her.

 

“Just one or two more,” I replied.

 

“You said that too for this past few years already.” She protested with her eyes widen. “And looked, you have your own personal garden on the top floor of this hospital.”

 

I chuckles while watering the cactuses. What she has said is true, for these several years I planted cactuses and now I have the rooftop as my personal cactus garden.

 

“But it soon become less, I already gave one to someone I just met last night.” I pouted. “It was my favorite cactus.”

 

“JT??!” she shouted in shock. JT is my favorite cactus, name the cactus as JT. “You gave JT to someone you just met other than me, your best friend???”

 

I giggled and turned off the water. “Ani,” I walked to the rack and took the cactus, “This is for you,” I gave to her the small yet fat cactus, just like her, short but fat *giggles*, “This is the only cactus that I plant here.” I smiled to her.

 

“Jinjja??? That means it’s the only one here??”

 

I nodded my head and smiled as I saw her bright smile. She hugged the small pot and kissed the fuzz spikes cutely.

 

“Janhae-ah,” Nurse Nam called me from the rooftop door, “It’s your turn.” She smiled to me.

 

“Janhae, hwaiting.” Sunmi cheered me, still hugging her cactus.

 

===

 

Taeyeon POV

 

It has been three days since she gave me this cactus, but it seemed dying slowly. Ottokhae?? I face palming myself. What should I do? I mean I already water it enough everyday like Seohyun told me to. But look at this little fella, it’s a bit yellowish and the flower is dried.

 

“Tae, let’s go for monthly check.” Tiffany took my hand and I just smiled and walked behind her like an obedient kid I am.

 

All of us already here in the hospital for monthly check up. We patiently wait for our name and just chit chatting with one another and make the hospital like a café for such gossip and loud girls like us, SNSD.

 

I was talking with Yoona and Sunny about Sooyoung ability to smell any food even if the food 20 meters away from her, when I saw her, Janhae, walking side by side with the nurse while smiling.

 

I don’t know what has gotten to me but I stood up, left Tiffany’s hand and walked faster to approach her.

 

“Janhae-ssi. . .” she stopped and smiled to me. That smile that I admit I addict to it, I would do anything just to make her smile like that to me every day.

 

“Oh, Taeyeon?” she bowed politely and so did the nurse beside her. “You here too. . .” she said to me like we knew each other for a long time already.

 

“Ah, monthly check.” I saw her nodded her head. “The cactus. . .” I bit my lower lip, “It’s dying, they become yellowish.” I thought she would be sad or mad at me.

 

But she’s not. She just chuckles and leaned closer to my ear. “You have to water it when you remember and put it where the sun can shine to it.” She whispered to me, gave me shivered down to my spine. My heart beats faster than I can imagine before. I thought it only for one person, but I wrong, it beats faster for her too.

 

“Ahh, sun. Of course,” I snapped my fingers, “Every plant needs sun.” I nodded several times. “By the way, you here for check up too?”

 

She shook her head. We talked like we really close to each other.

 

“I have to go to examine room now, Taeyeon.” She patted my upper arm. “See you next time.” She added and she left with the nurse.

 

I hold my upper arm where she patted before. What’s this? Just a simple gesture from her can make me flutters like this? What’s happening to me?

 

===

 

“Where have you been, Tiffany?” I asked the eyes-smile girl who just arrived at our dorm at 3 am in the morning. I haven’t slept at all as I was so worry about her safety. She didn’t tell me that she gonna go out, and I as her best friend and the leader of the group should wait for her and ask her.

 

“Date.” She said simply with wide smile appeared on her face. I could see the happiness on her face. Something that she never show off before to us or even me.

 

 And something that she never knows that at the same time I’m hurting. Scattered in pieces when I heard that she’s dating someone. A beauty yet painful reality for me. You can’t be selfish Tae, you can’t have her. She’s not like you.

 

“With who?” I tried to sound normal as she threw her body on the sofa.

 

“Nickhun oppa. He asked me to have dinner together, that’s all.” She closed her eyes. Luckily we have no schedule for about a week as we now resting to gain our power to promote our new album next week.

 

“And you call it as a date?” I chuckles to her.

 

“Who knows Tae. . .” she shrugged with smile still on her face.

 

And that night, I couldn’t sleep. I kept toss and turn, like I was drinking a gallon of coffee. Too much pain in my heart, too much insecurity lingered in my head. What if Tiffany falls for him? What if Tiffany loves him? What if they both love each other?

 

 

I kicked the blanket, get up from the bed, I wore my hoodie jacket and walked out. I stopped before turn the knob of the door. I tilted my head and saw my cactus. How long has it been there? How long I abandon it already? I walked closer and took the tiny pot and bring it with me, to have an early morning walk.

 

“I know it has been a long time,” I talked with the cactus while walking on the side of the road slowly with head covered with the hoodie from my jacket, “How are you JanTae??” I giggled to myself as I looked like a crazy person now who talked with a cactus.

 

JanTae, yes, I named the cactus as JanTae. It’s a short word of Janhae and Taeyeon. That name was the only name that came across my mind when I think of a name, and beside it’s cute.

 

I was walking aimlessly with the cold weather of early morning when I noticed a familiar figure stood there in front of the flower shop. She was like admiring something behind the glass window.

 

“Janhae?” I approached her and tapped her shoulder lightly.

 

“Taeyeon,” she bowed politely and smiled to me. That smile that I really miss so much. I can’t even know when or how can I have a chance to meet her. It’s like every time we meet its all by fate and cactus.

 

She was admiring a medium size of cactus in the flower shop. The cactus looked really pretty with its spiky branches and blossom flower on the top of it.

 

“You like that one?” I asked her bluntly.

 

She nodded her head. “I don’t have that one on my cactus garden. I think its new guy here.”

 

I tilted my head, looking at her in curiosity. “New guy?? Cactus has gender now?”

 

“Ani. .,” she waved her hands to me in panic, “I mean, for me they have. . .”

 

“You’re funny, Janhae. But. . . too bad, the shop still not open yet.” I put my hand in my jeans pocket as the other hand of mine holding the cactus.

 

“Maybe that guy not for me to have. . . oh, you bring the cactus with you?” she noticed JanTae and smiled as she took it from my hand. “She looks healthy.”

 

“She?” I chuckled softly. “Yeah, she is healthy. I take care of JanTae, even though most of the time I abandon her.”

 

“JanTae? Her name??” I nodded.

 

And we just stood there in front of the window glass, talking and exchanging silly yet funny questions to each other. Her smiles, I really love it, and the way she talks, it makes me want to stay beside her for a long time and listen to whatever she says.

 

“Janhae-ah,” I took a look at the voice source not far away from us.

 

“Ah, I have to go now. It’s nice to meet you Taeyeon.” She bowed politely and flashed her quick smile to me which I replied with small wave gesture and soft smiled. “Oh,” she turned around, “You can visit me at the hospital anytime you want.”

 

“Arraso. I will visit you soon. It’s nice to meet you too, Janhae.”

 

That was the last time I met her because after that I was really busy in preparing and promoting our new album, and also I have to sing for soundtracks of a drama and movie. Plus other commercial shots for some brands really make me tired and busy as hell. There was no time for just enough to sleep. We almost barely sleep.

 

January 2014

 

“So you really have feeling for Nickhun?” I asked Tiffany while stirred the milk I made for my breakfast. She visited me at my parents’ house because we didn’t live together in a dorm like before now.

 

“I have this feeling for him for a long time before, I mean, we are a good friends. And be in this stage where I am him and he is mine, it’s something that out of my thought.” She well explained to me.

 

I chuckled bitterly softly and sipped the milk slowly as I looked out from the window and saw my mini cactus garden. Yeah, I have a plenty of time and with help of my parents and Hayeon, I can build my own cactus garden even though it’s the mini one.

 

“Well, there’s nothing I can say rather than congratulation and I hope your relationship will happily ever after.” I turned my body and smile fake to her, hiding the unending pain in my heart whenever she mentions or talks about Nickhun.

 

I have tried to heal the wound in my heart, but somehow she or everyone else started to talk and bring things up, making the wound that was about to heal, open again and again.

 

“But the company want us to make this as secret first.” She huffed.

 

“Well, they know it’s for you and his good.” I stated the matter of fact.

 

“Unnie. . .” Hayeon called me from upstairs, “You haven’t watered JanTae for 3 days already. She looks sad.” She shouted from my room. I knew it, because only JanTae the cactus that I put in my room while the others are in the garden.

 

“Wait for awhile okay,” I told to Tiffany and ran faster not even wait for her to respond.

 

“Good morning my lovely JanTae,” I said sweetly while watered it, “How are you? I hope you’re in good condition,” I kneeled down and looked closer to JanTae, “Don’t be mad at me, I promise I will take care of you more.” I smiled as I caressed the now-already-grown-up cactus.

 

“Unnie, do you love JanTae?” Hayeon chuckled while looking at me curiously.

 

Do I? I can’t get away from the cactus, because somehow it’s like JanTae talked to me and begged me to stay in the same room as me. She listens to everything that happen to me, she stay quite but I feel comfort with it, like the way I feel comfort whenever I was with Tiffany or when I am with Janhae. Suddenly, I remember about Janhae while talking with JanTae. How is she? It has been a long time since I met her last year, right? I looked at the clock. 10 am in the warm Thursday. I grabbed my purse and jacket.

 

“Tell eomma and appa I will go out for awhile, don’t wait for me to lunch.” I shouted from the stairs as I went down.

 

“Do you want to go somewhere, Tae?”

 

I nodded as I put on my Converse shoes, “I have to meet an old friend. Bye Tiff.” I quickly get inside my car and drive.

 

I parked my car on the side of the road, hopped out from the car and ran quickly to the flower shop. The shop where I last met Janhae last year. I hope they still have what I want to buy.

 

“Omo!!” the middle-age ahjumma was shocked when she saw me. “Are you Kim Taeyeon??”

 

“Dae. .” I smiled and bowed politely, “Annyeonghaseo,” I greeted her warmly as I took off my glasses.

 

“Annyeonghaseo,” she replied cheerfully, “Aigoo, what dream I had last night until you came to my humble shop?” she patted my arm. “What can I help you, Taeyeon-ah?”

 

I scanned the room to find a certain plant that I wanted to buy since last year. “I’m looking. . . for a cactus. . . that. . . stayed here. . . last year?” I said while pointing at the spot which now filled with orchid.

 

“Cactus?” she quizzically looked at me. “Ahhh, that cactus. Wait a minute. . .” she went to the back door. “This one?” she showed to me the same cactus, which still the same size as the last year I saw him.

 

“Yes!! That one!!” I exclaimed happily as I took the pot gently from her hand. “It still the same. You didn’t grow up well, did you?” I spoke to the cactus. “How much is this cactus, ahjumma? I want to buy this one.”

 

“It’s free.” I shocked hearing her words.

 

“Free?? Andwae. . .” I shook my head and pull out few Won from my purse, but she rejected it.

 

“Just make sure you will take care of it.”

 

“But. . .”

 

“No buts. . .”

 

I bid goodbye to the ahjumma after I gave her my autograph. I’m happier than before because I know Janhae must be really happy if I give her this. Her smiles, ahh, just thinking about it already make me happy.

 

I arrived at the lobby of the hospital and I asked to the customer service about a nurse named Janhae. But, it’s weird; they said there’s no nurse named Janhae in this hospital.

 

I’m sure that I met Janhae in this hospital last year. She was about to go to the examiner room.

 

“What about patient, Janhae?”

 

“Kim Taeyeon-ssi?” I looked at a nurse who stopped on her track and looked at me.

 

“Y-yes?” I bowed my head politely as my hand holding the cactus.

 

“You’re Janhae’s friend, aren’t you?” I nodded my head. “Let’s have a coffee first.”

 

And now we’re in front of the coffee machine, waiting as the line quite long. I just stood there beside her quietly. I don’t have any idea why the nurse want to have a coffee time with me. But I know, somehow it must be really important.

 

“I was hoping you would come faster than now,” she gave me a can of coffee. “She was waiting for you, hoping that you would come to visit her a day after you met her in front of the flower shop.”

 

She was waiting for me? But why?

 

“She said to me, that you’re the special one to her,” I keep listening to the nurse as we walked upstairs, heading to I-don’t-know-where, “She met you on an unpredictable rainy night,” True, “She believed that at that time she already fall for you, mesmerized by your beauty and innocent mind to approached her without even minding about the rain.”

 

She chuckles lightly. She fall for me? That easy? “And the cactus that she gave to you, it was her favorite cactus ever, the one and only JT, the cactus name. She loved that cactus because it was her first cactus ever since she stayed here.”

 

“Stayed here? What do you mean?” I stopped from my track and looked at the nurse back in worried.

 

“She was the patient in this hospital,” she turned her body and looked at me sadly.

 

“Was?”

 

“She passed away three days ago.”

 

I dropped the cactus from my hand, make it scattered and dirt the floor with black dirt. I closed my mouth tight as my tears came out from my eyes.

 

The nurse kneeled and cleaned the mess, she fixed the cactus pot again and asked me to continue walking until we reached the door, and she opened it for me while I’m still crying endlessly. It hurts more in my heart than what I felt when Tiffany dated Nickhun. It jabs and stabs my heart again and again. The pain is unbearable, I can’t stop crying.

 

“HIV. She’s victim that a police officer found somewhere in Gangnam street 4 years ago. She has tried her best to survive and the will to survive increased when she met you. She wanted to see you more after several encounters that you guys had before, but reality struck her. You and she are like 2 people from different world. You are the superstar who busy and maybe never think about her, while she, she was here waiting for you, everyday she looked at the lobby from the second floor just hoping that she would find you walk there. And each day was like a ticking clock to her. Death sorrowing her, in between off believe and give up, she still fight. But God loves her more than everyone does.”

 

My tears even harder streaming down on my cheeks, I’m sobbing harder than I ever before. My heart is clutching in extreme pain, the thought of her suffering while waiting for me is really hurt for me. Why I never had time for her? Why I was so busy with Tiffany? Why I’m so dense with her when I already felt the hints? And why it’s too late for me to everything?

 

“But before she died, she has a will that I have to do.” She smiled weakly as we entering a small room on the rooftop. The room is empty with few empty racks, nothing here really. But, there is one thing that placed on the side of the rack.

 

Its three different cactuses in one cute panda pot, with red, yellow and green crown on top of them.

 

“She was experiment the cactuses in one pot, and succeeded. Before she died she wanted me to give this to you.” she handed me the cactus. “And this too, she wrote it to you, I leave you alone, be strong. . .”

 

“Dear Tae (Can I call you Tae? Taeyeon is too long and too hard for me XD)

How are you, Tae? I hope you are fine and always fine. If you get this letter, it means I already gone to another world, don’t be sad okay? Did Nurse Nam tell everything? I’m sorry for having this love for you, but for me I never regret at all to fall in love with a simple, humble and dorky person like you. I’m happy that God sent you to meet me couple times, and I should say my gratitude to Him later, kekeke. Knowing you is the best thing I ever experience after I plant cactus. I love you and I love cactus. Love is like cactus ‘You cannot water it, and you cannot not water it’. A cactus can suffer from overwatering, and may crack … Cacti can tolerate occasional mistakes in watering. Death by slow dehydration, because people are too terrified to give their plants what they need, is not any better than death by overwatering. Always remember that, Tae. . . and I do love you even until the last breath of mine.

 

With Love

 

Janhae

 

 

I cry out loud as I finished reading the letter. I hug the cactus tight as if it’s her. I want to see her, I want to see her smile, her addicting voice, her angel-like face. God, why do you have to do this to me? Right when I about to tell her how I feel towards her, why did You take her away from me? Why didn’t You give me a chance to meet her before she died?

 

===

 

I keep crying for at least three days, locking myself in my room before I finally out of the room. She wants me to be strong; she wants me to not sad about it. For me Tiffany was a past that I can easily move on, but Janhae, she still here in my heart, she nears me. The cactus is a representative of her presence. And I want to let her know that I love her too, it will be always her name in my heart until I find the right person who can capture my heart easily like she did before.

Janhae-ah, saranghae. . . .

 

 

 

 

 

===================================================================

Huahuhuhuhuhu. . .

My heart. . . I can't even believe what i've wrote. . .

but enjoy it guys. . .

 

And can someone say happy birthday to me?? It's still 3 hours to go. . .

hahahaha

crazy author chaw. . .

#chu