Can’t I erase you?
Why am I so stupid?

I sit on the windowsill as I watch the rain pour heavily to Earth. The whole surrounding is very quiet, save for the sound of the water sent from heaven. This situation has become natural for me. After all, it’s been months since this apartment is full of the sounds of laughter. It’s been months since half of the things which were here is packed and disappear together with the owner of the things.

It has also been months since I saw the face of him. And yet, I still able to perfectly pull an image of his face in my mind, no matter what I did, what I smell, what I see. He’s nowhere yet everywhere.

Don’t call me,
You’ll put my hopes up
You’re not gonna come so just let me go
Don’t come to me like a habit
And play with me
You said it was all over so why…

The sound of phone ringing breaks the quietness inside the apartment. Without taking my eyes away from the scenery outside, I already know who’s calling. He’s been calling and trying to talk to me ever since I stopped opening the door for him. I have no idea what he wants, but whatever it is I promised myself to stop looking up to him. I promised to cut every contact I used to have with him. After all, it was his idea to suddenly leave me alone one day and not return for days.

Like usual, I let the ringing of the phone died down without moving a single limb. I stay seated on the windowsill in silence, waiting for the ringing to stop before it starts again yet with the same ringtone, marking who is calling. And I let all the rings after that to stop on their own.

You’re so bad, I’m hurting again
You haven’t changed at all,
I haven’t changed either
I’m reacting to your fickle nature
Tell me, is this fun for you?

I slowly wear a black sweater and skinny dark jeans. I took my wallet and car keys before I walk out of the apartment and lock the door. The supplies in the apartment are running low and I need to shop and restock the kitchen. Soon, I arrived in the supermarket and take the trolley, I start looking for things I need. As I walked down the aisle, I can’t help but remember him again. I still remember what he liked, which brand he favoured, and I can feel my tears about to fall. I take a deep breath to calm myself down and proceed to finish this as soon as possible.

After I pay, I take the just-purchased things back to the backseat of my car and make sure every bag is settled before I get in to the driver’s seat. I silently drive back to the apartment, being the music from the radio is my only companion. When I finished parking my car, I immediately take the bags and bring it into the building. I enter the elevator and press my floor’s button. As I neared the apartment’s door, I see someone is standing in front of the door. Full of curiosity, I slowly neared the man. When the man looks towards me, it feels like time is frozen. My whole body is frozen as I once again see the chocolate eyes of him.

Look at me, a sad doll
Tied under string
Look, I’m still
Being dragged around by you
These tough feelings are hard to cut off
I’m still in your hands, I’m that doll

When I can feel the tip of my toes again, I turn around as quick as possible and start to run. But he is faster than I. He easily holds my wrist and pulls me toward him before he pins me to the wall beside the apartment’s door. His face is getting closer to mine. “Why didn’t you pick up my calls?” his lips hovering above mine as he said this. “You know I don’t like it when you ignore me”. I stay silent and look everywhere else which is not his eyes.

He clicked his tongue before he starts touching my body as if he’s searching for something. He smirked as he found what he wants, the key to the apartment’s door. He pulled me again with force, unlocked the apartment’s door, and pulled me inside with him before he locks the door.

Once is enough,
I can’t do this again
Please get out of my life
Just when I think I’m over you,
Why do you come and provoke me?
You’re gonna leave anyway but you poke at me

At this point I can’t give a damn about the things I had just bought which I left on the apartment’s hallway. Instead, my mind is on full alert that he is inside the apartment. That, and the fact that he holds the apartment’s key add the panic which begun to rise in my heart.

“Give me back my keys and get out” I said weakly because I can feel his glare is very strong even when I don’t look at him. “Why should I?” he starts walking toward me and I slowly take a step back. “Please, just get out and leave me alone.”

I need to erase everything
Why can’t I escape?
Is it too familiar?
The more I fight against it, the more I get tangled up
I’m still in your hands, I’m that doll

When I feel my back hit the wall, I release cold sweat. He realised this and smirked before he gets himself closer to me, cornering me. I know that any fight I put against him will be futile because he is stronger than me. He easily manhandled me and started to forcefully kissing me. His kisses are always like this, bruising, brutal, and bloody. I try to push him but it only fuelled him and makes the kiss even harsher. He releases my lips and starts biting my neck.

He carries me to the bedroom and dumps me on the bed before he situated himself on top of my body and carry on biting my neck. He rips my sweater and starts kissing and everywhere before he bites. I scream and scream begging him to stop but it fell on deaf ears. I keep on screaming until I have no more strength and let him have his way on me

Look at the broken me,
A doll in pain from being torn by you
Look, I’m still
Being dragged around by you
My deep scars are irreversible
I’m still in your hands, I’m that doll

It is a few hours later when he finishes doing me and slips out of me. He kisses my forehead and whisper to my ear “You’re mine, no matter what. So you better stop ignoring me or else. Now sleep” As he lay down, I can’t help but let a single tear out of my eye and the others started to follow. I let out a quiet sob as I hug myself.

Everything hurts, physically and mentally. But what hurt me the most is the fact that even after what he has done to me, I still unable to fight him away. I still blindly follow him regardless of everything he pushed me through. I can feel liquid substances wet my inner thighs and yet I can only let out choked sobs and hug myself tighter. “Luhan, if you keep on crying I’m going to have to shut you up by force.” Slowly, I rub my face to clear any water from my face. My expression becomes blank as Sehun pull my body toward him and spoon me. I can feel him kissed the tattoo on my back. He said the words which is carved on my back “You’re mine, Lu.”

I’m still in your hands I’m that doll.