i.

I don’t know why I had to pay for something that wasn’t my mistake in the first place.

Kim Industries was slowly disintegrating in front of my father’s eyes. A wrong call, a mistake in putting his trust; a hefty amount was stolen by one of the board members. We knew where she lived, who her family was – but then… she was pregnant. My mother strongly believed in karma; we would not put her to jail and just make her pay what she had stolen off. 

Pathetic, I commented under my breath. If I only I were in the position of my father, I would put her in bars right after she gave birth to that brat.

But no matter.

There was a ‘better solution’, anyway – and that was getting married to one of the most eligible bachelors in the country.

You.

I don’t know if you know what I’ve had to give up to be with you.

I didn’t even know you.

ii.

Soon enough, I did. 

It was like another business meeting to me, and I wanted to ignore that this particular talk would involve my future life heavily, starting tonight. Meeting my fiancé – I wanted to laugh. It was absurd, getting married to a stranger. Who knew my parents would resort to such audacious methods to keep the company? 

It was my responsibility. For the family. For the company. For the future.

My heart felt heavier, like a burden that I want to throw into the sea as the moment drew nearer – you don’t know who I’ve had to give up to be with you.

They needed this from me. I hated that I was a pawn in their never ending game, and even more that I had no choice but to make the move that they chose for me.

In the first meeting, pleasantries between us were exchanged, and I kept up a façade that this was, in fact, a transaction. I wouldn’t admit this out loud, but I was… I was… wary. And then I tried to remember how you yourself looked a little uncomfortable in your own skin, and your eyes – your eyes; I didn’t understand the look they were giving me.

In the middle, you asked if I was troubled and I shook my head, offering you a smile that I know didn’t quite reach my eyes, didn’t quite touch anything. 

It was a contract, it was a deal between our parents, and I didn’t know why you made it seem like it was the most normal thing in the world, and that we a couple on a date. 

Why?

This was a game.

The wariness came back in the end, when your fingers grazed the skin of my wrist in a goodbye. I gave you a stiff nod, not used to the feeling, but I vividly recall how your fingers were warm and soft – it was quite like your demeanor. 

I still didn’t understand.

Maybe I didn’t have to, I thought.

The first meeting eventually had a second, and a third, and time seemed to play tricks on me, as it was suddenly our engagement party, and I was sitting next to you in front of a crowd where half of the guests, I don’t even know. The decorations were lavish to the eyes, the food was wonderful to tongue, the sounds enticing to the ears – but I felt nothing. Except that it was a tad too cold in the room.
I heard forks clinking onto expensive wine glasses, and I tried not to feel like it was impending doom. 

You’re overreacting. It’s just a kiss.

I leaned in, but not before displaying a smile for our audience – and it still was a show, it still was a game – and I pressed my lips to the corner of yours, catching the way your eyes fluttered. Your eyes were really quite something.

In the pit of my stomach, I feel like a traitor, and so I pull away quickly, unable to look at the crowd where I know someone was watching me, eyes like daggers piercing through my chest.
I couldn’t look at you for the rest of the night.

iii.

I didn’t mean to be this way to you. 

You knew nothing – what did you know?

You didn’t even know me.

iv.

I’m sorry if my anger was directed at you.

I didn’t mean it.

v.

Maybe.

vi.

In the onlookers, I saw him, and I knew that it was the last nail on my coffin. Swallowing the lump that lodged itself in my throat, I walked the aisle, my feet dragging. 

For the family, for the company, for the future.

Having you as a husband might just save my future company, but would it save me from myself?

“You look… really nice.”

Your words were unexpected, and I found myself a little speechless. I looked down at my own feet, for once wanting to hide my face in my hands, maybe, before I thanked you, just for the two of us to hear. The smile you gave me was so bright, it was blinding against the light that shined through the stained glass, casting colors into your hair.

You didn’t deserve me. You were much too fragile, too innocent. 

I can’t do this to you.

Your hands were warm against my cool fingers, yet you didn’t flinch. I leaned into them, to your touch, like a moth to the flame. 

I didn’t deserve this. Stop it.

Maybe it would be better. 

Maybe.

I can’t do this.

vii.

“Jung Daehyun, do you take Kim Yukwon as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forth, through sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part?”

“I do.”

“Kim Yukwon, do you take Jung Daehyun as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forth, through sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part?”

Yet, I have to. 

“… I do.”

viii.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a figure leave the hall as our lips touched. 

I closed my eyes.

ix.

I needed to keep my distance. I didn’t want you to have false hope, not more than you already have in your pretty little head. 

You were young, you had a lot of dreams, dreams that could come true with somebody else. 

Just like me.

But things were over for the both of us, even before we truly began.

These thoughts were probably out of line, especially in our first night as newlyweds.

I didn’t tell you, but sleep evaded me as if I was someone undeserving of a few hours of peace. That, I was. Once I was sure that your breathing had evened out, I turned carefully to see if you were asleep. You fell asleep easily, like a child, and somewhat, I envied you. 

And you were actually, quite beautiful.

I blinked, shaking myself out of these thoughts; this was something carved out of others’ will, not ours. I was sure that you’d rather be anywhere else than to be beside me, but yet, here you were. We were prisoners, ready to be devoured by lions.

The unsettling feeling – one that I still don’t have a name for, and I doubt that I would ever think of something to call such an unpleasant thing – coursed through my veins again.

I was getting too close to your flame. 

I rolled back onto my side of the bed, willing exhaustion to overcome me, but it didn’t come until the wee hours of the morning.

Undeserving.

x.

You fell asleep on that L-shaped couch we picked a few weeks back, curled up with a book and you didn’t have a blanket with you. I didn’t understand how you could stand this weather; it was much too cold for you to only wear a thin shirt and shorts. 

I wondered if you’ve waited up for me, and just as I was about to shake you awake, my eyes flitted to the dining table, where the now-melted candles sat, the fire burning out slowly, barely lighting the dinner that you had set out for two. I felt a pang of something that I had no name for I refused to acknowledge it, and approached the table, blowing out the candles and drowning the light completely.

What were you doing?

Why were you doing this?

I didn’t know who was winning in this game of ours.

Mindlessly, I scooped you up, hoping you won’t wake; and I envied you, looking so peaceful in my arms. How I wish I could feel the same, too. Another dash of betrayal for the one I truly love, and I know that I shouldn’t look at you in this way. Not at all. 

I placed you gently on the bed (I can’t remember when I last slept properly, even more when I last slept in it beside you), and left for my study. 

I needed to get things done. I needed to get things out of my mind.

Work. Focus on work.

xi.

It was the only thing that kept me from you, and so I stuck to it. I rarely got to see you, and I ignored that stupid feeling that made me want to come back to check on you. 

My responsibility to be wed to you was done. It ended there. I refused to give you something to hold on to, to keep you from hurting yourself. To keep me from hurting you.

I saw what you’ve been doing, I always did. The little gestures that I couldn’t fathom why you would bother to do – and I accepted them.
Like the selfish bastard that I am. 

But it wasn’t right.
xii.

This was right.

I haven’t stayed home for a few days, ending up sleeping in the office, if ever I was lucky enough to get a few stolen hours, and changing in my parents’ home, which was nearer to the office than our own house. After changing into a crisp new suit, I tend to my duties as the CEO of Kim Industries. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

This was alright.

xiii.

You would be better without me, and I, you. 

Maybe.

xiv.

I needed a drink.

This was all getting too much.

I usually avoided nightclubs for the life of me, opting for the considerably more peaceful bars instead, but an old colleague has a birthday and maybe it was an opportunity to let out some steam. 

It doesn’t help. I was still empty, and still tired. But I didn’t deserve your warmth at home, not at all. My insides can’t take my own selfishness anymore, and so this would suffice for now. 

I wondered, what were you doing tonight? 

Home alone, like the countless nights that I’ve left you by yourself? I hope not…

You could have ended with somebody other than me. Maybe you could have been happier.

Maybe.

Through the writhing of bodies, I thought I saw the familiar catch of light onto your dark brown hair, and I had to do a double-take – that can’t be you… and I froze mid-drink, because it was you, and I placed the glass of scotch back down on the smooth bar top, the dull thud of it not enough to get me back into my senses to really look at you.

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. But you and I know who’s really the evil one between the two of us. I didn’t think I’d see you of all people there – but then again, what did I know about my husband?

Nothing.

I had no right to restrain you for what you wanted and didn’t want to do.

I wonder, was our marriage something you wanted to do?

You were alone, and judging by your movements, I assumed that you were buzzed, if not already drunk. The way you danced was spontaneous, carefree, and if I didn’t know better, I would have thought you would’ve toppled over – but you were graceful, as you always were.

Finally, I left my seat at the bar, murmuring something about going to the bathroom to my old friends, cutting through the swaying bodies under the dim lights. My eyes were solely on you even then, and they narrowed when I saw someone approach you. The way he slithered was less than appealing to me, but what took me by surprise was that you let him.

Who in the hell was that? I asked myself, and I had no answer, walking quickly to intervene – and I didn’t know what I was doing, this was my body moving on its own. His lips were near your ear, and this needed to stop, he needed to get away from you. 

“Daehyun,” I called weakly – I was too far away from you and the crowd seemed to be building; this didn’t help as I had to fight the bile rising from the pit of my stomach, quickly going up my throat as he touched you. No, I thought, nearly pushing a couple out of my way just to reach you, their enraged voices drowned out by the ringing in my ears.

I felt lost. I needed to get to you.

“Daehyun!” I said louder, but my voice was overshadowed by the thrumming bass and what felt like getting hit and ran over by a raging car as your lips locked with the stranger. 

And I stared. It was all I could do.

You weren’t even mine to begin with.

I was frozen, standing idiotically in the middle of the dance floor with my jaw slack and –

– our eyes met.

Those eyes. Your eyes. Like a knife twisted into my gut.

I need to go.

I needed to leave. 

xv.

“Yukwon!”

Your voice rang inside my head as I slammed the pedal down, my vision getting blurred with moisture.
This wasn’t supposed to hurt.

It didn’t.

Right?

This was stupid.

I’m so stupid.

xvi.

This was all a game to you, was it? I called to the empty room, my hand flinging to the side in anger and accidentally smashing an ornate vase, the pieces of porcelain dropping onto the floor. The warm trickle of blood started from the back of my hand, and I ran to the bathroom to put it under the tap.

ing stupid.

Why?

No, stop, I scolded myself, and as fast a hurricane, I left the chaos that erupted in our shared bedroom. My body had a mind of its own, and my mind tried to numb the pain – why did it hurt so much? 

Stop this right now, Yukwon.

The throbbing in my hand and in my heart only grew by the second.

He wasn’t yours to begin with.

This was a ing game.

Or maybe, I was too late. I regret. More than I admit. Even to myself.

I’m losing. You were the winner, and I burned from your flame.

My clothes were already piled into my luggage in the next few minutes, blood pumping in my veins still, regretfully; and I can’t, I didn’t want to see you. I needed to get away.

It was too late. My wings were burning.

I needed to leave.

Now.

xvii.

It was my fault.

Maybe.

But wasn’t it yours, too?

xviii.

Ours. It was ours.

Mostly… mine.

xix.

Could it have been better if I’ve…

It’s too late now.

Daehyun, I shouldn’t have…

My fist crumpled the letter and threw it into the bin. 

I couldn’t tell you. You can’t know. My pride was all I had. And hatred. I hated you, but most of all, I hated myself.

Stupid, idiotic, moronic, an imbecile. Useless.

You can’t know that it was all my fault, what happened. Why it happened. What pushed you to do it. It was your fault, it was. I was right all along. But no, it was mine, too.

I’m sick of myself to the point that I can’t even look in the mirror without feeling guilty. And sad. And ashamed. And lonely. And angry. 

It was too cold.

I missed you. Even if I don’t have the right to miss you.

I neglected you, and I shouldn’t have…

I should have shown you that…

I was there, but I wasn’t…

I wish I was…

It was a mistake… 

I did care about you, it was just that I was…

Letters crumpled. Torn into pieces. Thrown away. 

Daehyun, I love you.

Burned. Like the rest of me. 
xx.
Sent to: [email protected]
From: [email protected]

This may be the last time that you will hear from me.
You may keep staying in the house if you wish. It’s in your name to begin with. 
If you would want to move out, just inform my secretary and I would have her contact the movers for your utmost convenience.
Don’t bother calling or bothering my family, else, I would be forced to press legal charges. Pestering my family and friends would not help the situation at hand.
For the sake of the company and our parents, I will remain your husband in paper. If anything changes, especially regarding legal concerns with our arrangement, I will inform you immediately.
Perhaps there is no moving forward for us at this point, but I wish you well. 

Goodbye.

Kim Yukwon
Chief Executive Officer
Kim Industries