The blonde girl squinted her eyes as she took in the apartment complex she was standing in front of. She sniffled and let her gaze fall back to the ground, watching as she moved her feet in her position. She wasn’t sure what had brought her here, maybe the guilt, maybe the want to apologize for the call she had done yesterday.

Her eyebrows furrowed. Her hand rose to her lips, she captured the cigarette bud that was between her fingers, in the poisonous smoke, letting it be inside of her, hoping it to kill whatever feelings that was inside, before she let it out.

She had nothing to apologize for. It wasn’t her fault that it had turned out like this. So why was she here?

Jessica let her gaze go back to the apartment complex. She was here for the company. Yes, the company. Nothing else, nothing less. Only the company.

The blonde girl sighed and let the last of the cigarette fall to the ground before she stepped on it. Killing the last glow of it with just the tip of her shoe.

She put her cold hands inside her jacket pockets and began moving towards the entrance of the apartment complex. She once again told herself she was here for the company. Nothing else, nothing less. She had nothing to apologize for. There was nothing anyone knew about that she needed to apologize for.

---

She didn’t know for how long she had been staring at the door, but it had been for a while now. She figured that the neighbors, if anyone had seen her, must have thought she was crazy. A sigh escaped her lips, she brushed her fingers through her blonde locks before letting her hand fall to her side.

Her company was on the other side of the door. To get to the other side of the door, she needed to knock or ring the doorbell. She knew that much, but she had to bring herself to do one of the things. It was the key to get to the other side.

She sighed once again, she was tired of standing on the other side of the door. She brought her hand up to the doorbell, pressed it, listened to it ringing on the other side, hopefully gaining the attention of the person living there.

It took a while, and Jessica had been thinking of ringing the doorbell again, but she soon heard the door unlocking, and slightly opening, revealing someone Jessica hadn’t expected to see, someone Jessica hadn’t prepared to see.

Jessica stared wide eyed at the woman that stood at the door. The woman’s brown hair with a few grey hair strands was messy, the woman’s sweatpants and shirt she was wearing was way too big. The woman looked with her bloodshot eyes at Jessica, and Jessica felt that this was probably not someone she was supposed to meet.

“Hi, I’m looking for Kim Taeyeon.” Jessica said.

“Don’t know where she is. Never is that kid home!” The woman shouted.

Jessica blinked surprised at the woman’s outburst. And her heart fell at the realization. This was Taeyeon’s mother.

“Taeyeon isn’t home?” Jessica asked.

“No. She’s not.” The woman said annoyed.

Jessica nodded her head. She looked inside the dark apartment. She could hear the sound from the TV, and she figured the woman must have watched TV before Jessica had arrived.

The blonde furrowed her eyebrows. She knew it was a long shot, but she figured it was no harm asking.

“Is it okay that I stay here while I wait for Taeyeon?” Jessica asked.

“Do whatever!” The woman said and walked inside the apartment, leaving the door open for anyone to enter. Jessica stared surprised, and she felt happy for Taeyeon’s sake that it hadn’t been a total stranger asking for entrance, what if a bugler or someone of that sort had asked for entrance and Taeyeon’s mother had just let the person in? They would have lost everything of value. 

Jessica entered, took off her shoes, before she began her exploring of the apartment. Taeyeon’s mother was in the living room, watching TV as Jessica had expected. It was a small TV, and old TV, the kind that takes up way too much space. She figured it was no use in disturbing the woman and continued on her way through the apartment.

She entered the kitchen that was located opposite of the living room. There was a few plates, a pot, a few utensils and a glass in the dish rack. Someone had cooked, and Jessica had a feeling it hadn’t been the woman in the living room.

The blonde continued her search in the kitchen, she opened the refrigerator, getting sad at the sight. It was a bowl with plastic foil covering it with a note. The confirmed who had cooked, and Jessica also figured that there must be a lot of these bowls, and probably plates, in this refrigerator. She also found a carton of milk, half empty, a packet of ham, a packet of cheese, and butter. Such an empty refrigerator made Jessica sad, it was like no one was living in this apartment

The girl closed the refrigerator and figured it was best to wait inside Taeyeon’s room, if she could find it.

She ventured down the hall, her tracks stopping in front of a door with a sign that said ‘Taeyeon’. Not too hard finding the girl’s bedroom. Jessica entered it, almost hoping to see the girl inside, but it was empty. All that Jessica found was an unmade bed, a desk with music sheets, clothes hanging on the backrest of the desk chair, and two magazines lying on the floor.

Jessica felt like she had walked too deeply into Taeyeon’s life now. She felt like she had crossed a boarder she shouldn’t have. She felt like she had seen too much, she felt like she had stepped into a place she didn’t belong in.

The blonde felt the guilt inside of her again. She gritted her teeth and walked further inside the room. Her feet stopped by the bed where she plopped down to sit. The room smelled like Taeyeon. Jessica bit her lower lip. She felt like she missed the girl.  

Why had she come here?

She turned towards the bedside table. Without thinking she opened the drawer for it, a white sheet of paper with text on it caught her eyes. She knew she probably shouldn’t, she knew she was prying into someone’s life, someone’s life she shouldn’t pry more into than she already had, but she couldn’t help it. She was already holding the paper with her thumb and index finger, and her curiosity got the better out of her.

She unfolded the paper. It felt heavy, really heavy, like she was holding a book with five hundred pages instead of a sheet of paper.

She read what was written on the paper. Her eyes widened, her heart dropped, her hands began to shake.

Her mother used to tell her when she was a kid to not swim too far from the shore, because it would be too deep for her. Jessica felt it was a shame she never listened to her mother. She always went where it was too deep for her.

---

The doorbell rang. The girl on the bed looked up from the magazine she had been reading up until now. She waited, she heard no movements from the room next to this, and so it made her get up from her seat on the bed and leave the bedroom she had been inside.

Her eyes looked towards the closed door of the apartment. Someone had rang the doorbell, the question was if she should open the door or not.

Jessica went to the living room. Her eyes fell on the woman who was seated on the armchair. The woman’s head was bent down, her chest rising and falling rhythmitcally. She was sleeping soundly, and Jessica figured the owman wouldn’t open the door, nor wake up either.

She sighed and made her way towards the door to at least see who it was. She checked through the peephole. Her eyebrows raising in surprise upon seeing the guy on the other side of the door. The guy wasn’t that familiar to her, but because of their first encounter, she remembered him well.

Even though she knew she probably shouldn’t, Jessica opened the door, and let the guy’s surprised eyes fall on her form.

The guy began to look around him, like he was checking he had come to the right place. When he had figured out he was indeed where he was supposed to be, he turned back to Jessica, pointed at her, checked around himself again, before he turned back to the blonde girl again.

“You…are…have…” He was speaking awkwardly, Jessica figured he was still surprised over that someone he hadn’t expected had opened the door.

“Yes, your mother is here. Your sister is however out.” Jessica answered the guy’s unspoken question.

The guy blinked surprised, and let the hand he had been pointing at Jessica slowly lower down.

“Oh…” He said and continued to look at the girl. “Uhm…can I…come in?”

Jessica stepped to the side, letting Taeyeon’s older brother enter the apartment. She once again felt like she was doing something she shouldn’t. She wasn’t sure what the guy was doing here, if she remembered right, Taeyeon hadn’t been so happy to see him when she had seen them bumping into each other. 

“You…look familiar.” Taeyeon’s brother said. Jessica turned towards the guy who had taken off his shoes and jacket.

“The hair, it’s easy to remember.” The guy said and pointed at his own head.

Jessica chuckled. She saw a faint smile appear on the guy’s lips as well.

“Ah, yes. It’s to get attention and be remembered.” Jessica joked.

The guy smiled, but it instantly vanished and a look of terror appeared on his face. It almost looked gray and she wondered what suddenly had struck his mind.

“Um…do you know when Taeyeon will be home?” He asked with a panicked expression on his face. Looking so scared to meet his younger sister, Jessica couldn’t’ help but feel sorry for him. She wondered if Taeyeon knew she had scared her brother to this point.

“No, I don’t.” Jessica said.

“Ah…” The guy looked around the apartment. He scratched the back of his neck, and Jessica found similarities with Taeyeon in him. She inwardly smiled as she continued to observe the guy.

If I maybe had been straight I might have been attracted to you. Jessica thought.

“Um…I didn’t expect you to be here. I just came over…in hope of Taeyeon not being here…so I could make some food for my mom.” The guy said and held up a plastic bag with groceries. Jessica felt a small tug in her heart when she once again found similarities with Taeyeon in him.

What’s with these siblings and their care for their mom? She thought.

“I’m not going to stop you. It’s your mom. And Taeyeon isn’t here, and I’m not supposed to be here. So no one except for you and your mom will know you’ve been here.” Jessica said.

She saw his face brightened up, and she felt she had done a good deed today. A good deed Taeyeon would probably get furious about if she found out. But she knew that this guy wouldn’t tell his sister about this, and Taeyeon’s mother probably wouldn’t, and she was sure as hell not telling Taeyeon about this, so what Taeyeon doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

---

Jessica watched as the guy by the sink finished washing the dishes after making his mother eat. He was walking around the kitchen with no problem, and Jessica figured that it wasn’t the first time he guy had been here. She wondered if he had grown up here, or if he usually came here in secret when Taeyeon was out.

“Do you want tea or something?” The guy asked.

“Tea is fine.” Jessica said.

Taeyeon’s brother turned back to the kitchen counter and prepared water to boil to make the tea. Jessica began to wonder what it was that had made Taeyeon despise her brother so much. She found the guy to be great, and he seemed to care about his mother a lot. She saw nothing bad about him.

“Hey,” Jessica said from her seat by the kitchen table, getting the guy’s attention. “How much do you know about your sister?” Jessica asked.

The guy blinked. His gaze lowered to the floor, before he looked back at Jessica. “I don’t know much about who she is today.” He said.

“Do you know anything about her past then?”

He stared at Jessica for a few seconds, before he quickly turned his head away, shaking it and turning to face the wall instead.

“Taeyeon told me to stay away from her friends…” He said.

Jessica frowned. He really respected his sister, whatever problem they have with each other, it must be something bad, especially when he is acting like this.

“Why don’t you tell me about your past then? How was your relationship with your sister?” Jessica tried a different approach.

The older guy was silent. He continued to stare at the wall for seconds that felt like minutes. Jessica tapped her foot impatiently. She had asked about the brother’s past, not about Taeyeon’s past.

“What tea do you want?” The guy asked and moved to one of the cupboards and took out two cups.

Jessica sighed. She figured whatever was going on in this family no one would tell her. Whatever was going on with Taeyeon, no one would tell her. And she wasn’t sure if she should ask the girl about it either, she didn’t want to get in too deep. She didn’t want to get in deeper than she already had.

She clenched her hands as she thought back to what she had found in Taeyeon’s room. She had found out something she probably wasn’t supposed to know. But now when she had found out, she couldn’t help but wanting to know more. She wanted the details.

“You okay?” Jessica snapped out of her thoughts. She blinked and took in Taeyeon’s brother’s concerned expression. She shook her head to gather herself. This guy probably knew something, but he wasn’t going to spill it in fear of getting even more on Taeyeon’s bad side.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Jessica said.

A cup was placed in front of her. She could smell the lemon scent from it, she looked up at the guy who took a seat opposite her.

“Sorry, we only had one kind of tea home.” He said.

“It’s alright.” Jessica cupped the cup with both of her hands, feeling the warmth from the porcelain cup warm them. She stared at its contents. She could see the bottom of the white cup, despite everything that was in it.

A frown appeared on her lips. No matter how much she could see of Taeyeon, she still didn’t seem to see the bottom of the girl. And that bothered her, because it made her curious, and her curiosity pulled her in deeper.

Curiosity killed the cat. That’s what they said.

---

The front door opening and closing woke the sleeping girl up. She was in a daze as she didn’t remember where she was. She blinked, and the second she remembered where she was, the door to the bedroom opened, and she quickly sat up in the bed, ready to explain her whereabouts to the person who had entered.

“Hi.” Jessica said and took in the surprised look on Taeyeon’s face. The girl had probably not expected her to be in her home, or her bed. Jessica smiled sheepishly.

“Did you break yourself in?” Taeyeon asked.

Jessica smiled. “No, your mother let me in.”

Taeyeon’s eyes widened. Jessica lost her smile, and she stood up from her seat and walked up to the girl who was still standing by the door to the room.

“I told her I wanted to wait for you.” Jessica said in hope of making whatever it was that made Taeyeon uneasy better.

“Yeah…” Taeyeon said. The girl wasn’t meeting Jessica’s gaze, and she figured it was out of shame. Shame of her mother’s condition. She mustered up a smile and turned back to the bed.

“I was thinking…because it has gotten dark outside…I could sleep here.” Jessica said and turned back to the girl. Taeyeon had now turned to look at her, her brown eyes showing confusion. “Unless you have something against it.” Jessica added.

“N-no…if you want…then no problem.” Taeyeon said.

“Good. I’ll make myself at home then.” Jessica said and went back to the bed. She stopped beside it, proceeded to get undressed, but stopped in the middle of her actions as her brain screamed out warnings to her. Her hands grips on her shirt tightened, and she turned back to Taeyeon, with a smile.

“Can I borrow something to sleep in?” Jessica asked.

“Y-yeah, o-of course.” Taeyeon said and quickly went over to her wardrobe. Jessica waited until she was handed a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. Because of the times Taeyeon had slept at her place and borrowed her clothes, she knew she would fit in the girl’s clothes without problem.

“I’ll get changed then.” Jessica said.

“Okay.” Jessica watched as Taeyeon left the room without being asked, giving Jessica the unasked privacy that the girl had wanted, but hadn’t been obvious about wanting it. She turned away from the closed door to the bed room and began taking off her clothes.

In the middle of taking off her shirt her eyes landed on the drawer to the bedside table, remembering what she had found in there, she quickly turned away to not think about. Her jaw tightened, and she closed her eyes. It wasn’t the first time she had seen that kind of paper, with similar kind of words on it.

---

Taeyeon’s bed was small, it definitively wasn’t made to fit two girls like this. Unless they were lying really tight they wouldn’t fit on the bed together. Jessica didn’t mind it, sleeping with one leg and arm resting on top of Taeyeon was no problem for her, she was a bit worried about the other girl though.

She could feel Taeyeon’s heart beat really fast. And she knew she was the one to blame for that. But she pretended to not notice it, for Taeyeon’s sake, and for her own sake. Getting more into why Taeyeon’s heart beat so fast would lead to a discussion about feelings. And that’s a subject Jessica wanted to avoid.

She shifted in her position next to the girl. Taeyeon tensed, but she ignored it and pretended like she hadn’t noticed it. She exhaled, and felt the girl next to her flinch. Her breath had apparently brushed against Taeyeon’s bare skin on the neck. She reminded herself to be careful, Taeyeon was already too worked up, she didn’t want to make it worse.

“Can I ask you something?” Jessica broke the silence between them, and in the room.

“Y-yeah.” Taeyeon sounded nervous when she spoke. Jessica tried to not figure out why, and continued on like she hadn’t noticed anything.

“Where have you been all day?”

Silence occupied the room after her question. All that could be heard was the breathing from the girl next to her. She felt Taeyeon shift, and her mind for one second thought that Taeyeon would leave, but the girl didn’t.

“I was at a friend’s place.” Taeyeon finally said.

“Oh.” Jessica didn’t what she was feeling. But Taeyeon hanging out with friends instead of her didn’t sit right with her. She shifted, pressed herself closer to the girl, making Taeyeon tenser than she already was.

Jessica admired the girl. Even though the girl has feelings for her she didn’t do anything inappropriate. Taeyeon never tried to kiss her, she never made any action of hugging her, even now when they were in bed together, with Jessica lying this close to her, the girl didn’t even touch her, not even placing an arm around her.

Taeyeon either had the best self-control in the world, or she just didn’t know what to do in a situation like this.

Jessica went for the latter option.

The blonde closed her eyes. She felt exhausted, even though she hadn’t done much today. She had mostly spent the day reading magazines she had found on the floor in Taeyeon’s bedroom.

The blonde relaxed her body, feeling it getting heavier, until a flash of memories hit her. The memory of a place with white walls, white ceilings, white bed clothes, bright lights, a place that smelled antiseptics, and people clad in white coats, speaking in soft voices appeared in her head.

Jessica tensed, this time it was her heart beat that faster, her breathing got irregular, and she had without thinking grabbed Taeyeon’s shirt.

“Are you okay?”

Taeyeon’s concerned voice snapped her out of the memory flash she had suddenly gotten trapped in. She felt herself relax, she breathed in and she breathed out. Slowly. She gulped and tried to relax again, focusing on the sound of Taeyeon’s breathing instead.

“I’m okay.” Jessica lied. She wasn’t okay right now, but she knew that if she gave herself some time she would soon be okay again. She would soon forget about all the painful memories.