I look at my self in the bathroom light,yes, I am ok because I have a plan and solutions I am going to kill myself,I am going to do it tonight,this is such a farce. This whole thing I thought I was better but I’m not.i tried to get stable and I can’t get stable.i tried turn the corner and there aren’t any corners and you aren’t coming to save me soon any way, why should I wait???? I remebre when I was a child and I thought that when I became a teenager, when I became older I would party until 4 am ,it’s ironic because little later I did know that at 4 am I would be hysterically cring debating whether to take my life or not. One of the most scariest feelings in life is when you realize you aren’t afraid to die,you don’t look when you cross the road any more,when you take pills you take however many come out,you seek out dangerous things caus they get your sole,I’ve seen that every time I’m about to achieve true happines,some littele pieces in me says:”you don’t deserve this” and another piece says{I agree} I still remebre that suisidal night,me getting into the bathetub with some pills im my hand,I was thinking if the note I wrote to the members will make them understand why I did this, why I was killing my self tonight,I hoped that they will know that I was sick in my mind, i got a war in my mind,a reckless mind with messy sole,what people say about me is like a knife stabing me in the heart ,I just care too much ,I’m too weak, I just couldn’t take it any more,moreover I was in love with mir,he is the first and last one i think of every and each day,was so scared of his love to the point,I became uncomfortable in my own skin ,he made me the good actor I’m today,every day I had to hide the love that I felt for him ,I somehow knew he won’t love me back, a voice in my mind told me he won’t care if I was there or not,and another deep down in my sole said cry joon you don’t deserve any love you’re just to ugly for youre own good,was it a wrong thing to fall in love,to have someone like him with that smile and that body ,how can you not fall fo him,to hear him laugh and his voice changing from y into a cute while talking it just to much for me to say no to, so mir I hope you keep me in your heart after this and if you can’t just say my name sometimes I’m sure I will hear it while I burn in hell, I remembre that night so well,I remembre how close those pills were to my mouth, how close I was to die and finally be happy in my own world ,when I heard that scream of fear and I swear that I felt some pain in it,that scream was fallowed by the door of the bathroom breaking into two pieces, there stood mir with tears running from his eyes, he was shaking to the bones, I just froze in my place not daring to move a finger and what he said just hit me hard :”I thought that I was too late to save you hyung, I thought you are gone away from me,why did you choose today?when I was about to tell you how much I love you,how much I care for you,how you make my heart beat like crazy,you have no idea how much i like you,how much you make me smile,how much i like talking to you,and at the end I come here like a mad man not caring what I’m about to lose if I confessed my love to you ,to find out that you’re about to suiside?. MIR than flew from where he was kneeling to my arms not minding if those pills fall from my hands or if he was now wet, I looked at his hand ,HE HAVE READ THE NOTE I LEFT FOR THEM, HE KNEW I THAT I LOVED HIM,it's my time to say all i have kept in fo so long;" mir i just love you

more than i want to it's killing me for real,i just love your smile,your hair,your eyes,your kisses,your hugs,your voice,your words,your hands,your heart,your scent, i just ing love so much it hurts, it kill me",just like that we stayed huging for what felt like hours to me, what now, what are we going to do?  i keep thinking that maybe he said that because felt sorry for me or something , my ming it just killing me but today as i look throoght the time i can't say that the voices in my mind are wrong,It has been 3years since that night , and mir and me are couple for 3 long years, to think death is all I needed to have him I would have done it earlier, his love come to be too suprising too hard, and I just knew that no matter what my love won’t change at all,my heart is like the sand for him ,no matter how hard the wave hit, it will always be there for it, that’s me. And now to know his here by my side I will never ask for more. N ow there is a time when I didn’t need to harm,I didn’t cry alone, I didn’t feel anxiety,I didn’t think of suiside ,it’ whene I’m with mir,in his arms,kissing him everywere,when we make love until the sun comes up, just me and him, ifeel like every pain I felt,every tear I shed, it worth it, I  had the idea that new beginning are just lies that we tell it to our selves to belive that there is hope to erase the darkness of our lives, but now I know that I only said that because I was hurt and lost and scared, fear is terrifying because under his influence we make stupid mistakes ,when we are scared all our needs turn into one need to sleep forever: We were in the bathtub once again but these time for a different reason,his back was against my chest,while I was messaging his shoulders, he turned his head to me And we shared a long kiss, we weren’t or something,it was a kiss to show how much we care, how much we love one another, I don’t even think that is possible but I just loved mir even more because he didn’t care how far I push him away, he told me he would stay and he did stay until this very moment,he told me that I was a little lost,too damegad but not hopeless,he said that he know the real me and he loved it and he will make learn how to love myself as well. FOREVER is a long time but I wouldn’t mind spending it by his side not at all,his my happy pill that I take to keep living.