i.

“I am so stupid.” Junmyeon managed to say between his sobs.

“I’ll tell Minseok-hyung.” Jongin said, he had always been the reckless one and Junmyeon shoot out a hand, fingers tugged desperately at Jongin’s jeans, trying to stop the younger from making everything worse. Worse? Yeah, as if there was a worse thing than seeing your crush for two years declaring his love to someone else. Well, actually there was a worse thing than that. Maybe the fact that the said someone else was your own older brother. Ha ing ha. He felt like the main character of a cheap soap opera, the one that his sister loved and had overused plus cliché plots.

Jongin crouched down and pried Junmyeon’s hand from the clothing that he clutched for his dear life. “Hyung.” Junmyeon heard Jongin whispered his name but he just so tired. So ing tired. He closed his eyes and let himself to be embraced. “I’m sorry, Jongin-ah that your hyung is such a pathetic boy who cried over a small thing.” Junmyeon said and laughed, trying to play it as a joke but even his laugh sounded like a cry in his own ears.

Junmyeon knew he would regret this tomorrow. He would regret how he allowed himself to break down completely in front of Jongin. Jongin shouldn’t see him like this. His younger brother was only a middle school student for sake. Jongin probably didn’t know about anything yet. Why the heck he let himself cried like a baby in his arms.

“Don’t say you are sorry, hyung. We both know that this is not small.” Jongin whispered directly to his ears and Junmyeon wanted to cry again and again, until his throat sore, until his voice hoarse, because Jongin was right.

Loving Luhan was never a small thing. Loving Luhan made him realize the reason why he never interested with girls before. Loving Luhan was one of the reasons why he came out to his parents.

(It was hell. He had prepared for the worst, but his parents knew him too well. “You have disappointed us.” It would be better if they said anything else but that. He had crashed in Yifan’s apartment for three months before his parents demanded him to come back. They acted like Junmyeon’s confession was never made. Two years later, and Junmyeon still felt awkward whenever his parents decided to drop by between their business trips.)

Loving Luhan was a big part of his life and now he wanted to stop. God, how much he wanted to stop.

Junmyeon sobbed and let all his tears fall, wetting Jongin’s shirt.