just like children learning how to walk on their own

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.” –♦

― William W. Purkey

Seated behind the large desk of his office, Hyukjae lets out a small sigh and runs a weary hand through his hair, as he leans back into his chair. Fluttering his eyes close for a second, he feels a heavy tiredness spread through his body and settling in his limbs, prompting a frown to furrow his eyebrows. He suddenly feels numb all over, and staying in here until the next morning suddenly looks like a better alternative than moving at all.

One of his feet agitatedly taps against the wooden floor, only sign that a part of his mind is still centered and stressed over work, while his eyes shift to glance at his watch that he has carefully put at one corner of his desk a while ago. Distractedly noting that it’s already close to half past ten o’clock in the evening, he idly picks the item up and wraps it around his wrist, a small grimace plastered on his face as he rolls his sore shoulders. Another sigh escaping his plump lips, he heavily gets up and throws a last look around his neatly ordered office, before grabbing his suitcase.

Almost all the employees of the branch he manages must have already left by now, which means that he’s alone in the buildings.

But it’s fine, he thinks quietly as he goes for the door. This way, nobody will see him.

*

Hyukjae remembers what it felt like to be a child as if it was yesterday.

It’s just so easy to recall the caring love his parents never failed to give him, the cartoons he used to love watching as soon as he came back home after classes, the toys and robots he always pestered his father for because another kid of the neighborhood had the same, the sandbox and the playgrounds that looked like unknown territories he absolutely needed to discover, the school he never wanted to go to, the teachers who gave them too much homework, and all the small but precious dreams his younger self had for the future he was so impatient to live.

It is like a vast garden which Hyukjae can’t see all the details of, an enchanted place where the colors are brighter, the air softer, and the mornings more fragrant than ever again. Childhood, Hyukjae thinks, is the most beautiful of all life’s seasons.

But if Hyukjae can recall all the good memories that make his childhood a period of his life he will never regret, he also remembers the bad ones.

He remembers the mean words and the nastiness that both started so early, when he was young and the most vulnerable to everything – the bullying, the insults, the mocking and the lack of any friends, which all tracked him until university became his last loop-hole.

Every rictus, sneer and mean eyes that stared at him as if he was a freak are still neatly engraved in his head and never went away, suffocating him a bit more with each seconds of his life. The words were curt and spat at him, continuously echoing in his mind as if someone was right there, next to him and whispering the words in his ears. Until he started to wonder if maybe, maybe all they said was true.

Maybe Hyukjae is just as ugly and repulsive as they all told him.

*

Releasing a small breath, the single-lidded man pressed his lips into a tight line and slows down to a stop, looking at his reflection in the glass of the door. His eyes trace the familiar features of his face, all sharp and angular, and so unusual that it used to gather– and still does – all kinds of nasty remarks.

His expression perfectly unreadable, he stares at himself, and at the quiet memories he can distinguish trying to scream out behind the cold barrier his eyes put up.

*

When Hyukjae finally became a university student, after having graduated from high school and turned his back to petty bullies, hopes of a better social life and dreams of an incredible future stumbled in his mind until he was left dizzy.

He remembers wanting to be someone that people finally respected and looked up to. The young Hyukjae he used to be yearned to become someone great enough that people wouldn’t judge him by his looks anymore, but by his intelligence and skills. He wanted people to overlook his physical flaws and focus on what he had done and did best, and longed for praises and recognition he never had. The need to forget about this one thing that continued to haunt him all the time lurked around and had firmly settled at the pit of his stomach, choking him in a fierce grip.

Because the stabbing words were still there, engraved under his skin and burning with each seconds passing, as if they were all there and still hurting him as much as possible.

But the way-out Hyukjae thought he had found in the prospect of university was only a dead end. They didn’t quieten down but actually got louder, stalking him and piling up around him, until all his ears seemed able to hear were the critics. The good words weren’t audible anymore, thickly shadowed by the pain that tugged at his heart without a stop.

Keeping his head lowered and trying to blend in with the crowd, only speaking up when absolutely needed, definitely wasn’t what Hyukjae had expected of university. But that’s what he did, when he realized that nobody would come and be by his sides – he was alone and could only count on himself.

And Hyukjae remembers doing exactly that.

*

He grins a bit sadly at the bunch of memories that suddenly assault him, at the most unexpected moment of the day when it’s late and he’s exhausted. But it feels like he is standing in front of his younger self, staring at a smaller and weaker Hyukjae that still doesn’t understand how life works, and he can’t help but reminiscing – even if it hurts, sometimes.

*

He remembers having his first crush in his third year of university.

Although Hyukjae had always categorized himself as relatively straight, considering he never really paid attention to that much people, the senior who managed to make him feel like a hormonal teenager all over again was a boy. Older by a year, he was tall, nice, smart, incredibly popular, different from all the others – and his name was Kim Seungho.

And also, he quietly snorts, very homophobic.

But he didn’t know at that time, and things had started pretty well between them. Thanks to the soccer club he had joined in second year, he and the boy quickly became friends, after he managed to gather enough courage to do so – he was probably one of the first he made. They ended up hanging out together almost all the time, chatting and laughing about random things that only them seemed to understand. And even if it only dangerously fuelled Hyukjae’s shy feelings, which grew bigger and bigger every time they saw each other, he couldn’t help but to cherish and keep them well-hidden at the bottom of his heart, like vulnerable and precious items that could break at the first abrupt move.

Which they did, on one fateful Saturday night, when he accidentally blurted out his real feelings for him.

Hyukjae can still remember the way his heart had shattered into million pieces without making a single sound, as the strongest punch he ever experienced was suddenly sent to his face. His nose bled profusely and he whimpered under his breath – but nothing hurt more than the disgusted and hateful insults that were spat at him the next second. They forcefully crept in his head and violently broke what remained of him and his pride, as if they were made of fragile and useless glass.

The next Monday, rumors had already spread around the university like wildfire, marginalizing him even more than he already was. Except this time, hatred and disgust joined in with the mocking and the hurtful comments – and the bullying came back with a vengeance, sticking to him like an incurable disease until the end of his studies.

That was also the time Hyukaje realized that they call it a crush, because that’s how one would feel when they realize the other doesn’t like them back.

*

Shaking his head a bit bemusedly, he sighs bitterly and curls his fingers tighter around the handle of his briefcase, before he finally goes out of his office and closes the door behind him. A shining plate attracts his attention and he looks up distractedly, only to find the five words he has been welcomed with every morning for the past three years.

Mr. Lee Hyukjae – Sales Manager

*

Hyukjae had never thought, from all of his twenty-five years of age, when he had graduated from university only two years ago and basically had no solid experience to boast about, that a prestigious company like this one would already offer him a post as important as the new Sales Manager.

It had been shocking, and completely crazy – but even if he didn’t have a single clue about how to lead a working team of five persons including himself, Hyukjae didn’t think about it twice before he was already accepting the job offer.

Maybe, just maybe, that was his one chance to shine. Even just a little would be enough.

*

Working in the company was probably the best thing that ever happened to Hyukjae – it was a territory which he knew the bearings of and was the only one who had the ability to set them.

He had power, recognition, colleagues that would soon become his first real friends and the premise of a more than just promising future. That was all he truly needed, after all.

And love – well, love was simply too overrated for him to bother about it.

*

Double checking that his office’s door is well-locked, Hyukjae pensively pursues his lips together and pulls on his tie to loosen it a little, thinking back of the long day that is finally coming to an end. A relieved breath leaves his plump lips as he slowly turns around on his heels and braces himself for the familiar tug at the heart that takes him when he faces the common area of his department.

He can feel his heart starting to pulse a bit faster in his chest, out of pure habit, as his eyes longingly land on the closest desk next to his room. Until he remembers that he has been alone in the company buildings for a good whole of two hours, now – and that he certainly isn’t here anymore. Blinking a little, he sighs tiredly again and shakes his head at himself in bemusement.

After all this time, his feelings are still as unruly as ever.

*

Hyukjae can easily recall the first time he met the new intern of his branch.

It was on a Tuesday around lunchtime, when he was trying to resonate the silly argument that had been going on for the past fifteen minutes between his two foreigner colleagues, Zhoumi and Henry. As he snapped at them that fighting over a piece of bread was beyond the level of stupidity they usually showed in the office, and that they’d better hurry back to work if they didn’t want him to kick their back to their respective countries (not that he would really), the Human Resources director walked up to him with one of his usual blinding smiles.

Choi Siwon, and technically his friend, was – and still is – the type to be cheerful and loud no matter the circumstances, making wide and often unnecessary hand gestures. Upon noticing him, Hyukjae only became a bit more annoyed than he already was because of his colleagues, feeling tired as a headache thumped in his temples. But before he could tell him that it really wasn’t the time to bother him, the HR manager was suddenly talking about a new intern who would start working in his branch starting from today, just like the letter he had sent him a week earlier to his department mentioned. Blinking bemusedly, the single-lidded man frowned at him, wondering what the hell this guy was talking about.

Until he finally saw the man standing behind him, and gasped without a sound.

*

Mischievous, insolent, bratty – yet cute, adorable and slightly awkward on the edges. Handsome, beautiful, gorgeous.

Breathtaking.

So many words existed in the world, but Hyukjae didn’t think that any of them were enough to accurately describe what Lee Donghae was like.

He was a bit like a free and untamable spirit, which seemed to brighten up the whole office as soon as he had came in with the sole strength of his presence. His blunt laughter, the endearing grin that was always stretched over his thin lips, the charming crooked teeth that showed every time he smiled – everything made Hyukjae’s heart ache in the most disturbing ways, taking his breath away with each glances he stole.

It was the first time he met Donghae, but Hyukjae thought that he might have fell in love at first sight a little.

“Good afternoon!” the new intern had cheerfully greeted him. “My name is Lee Donghae, and I hope that we’ll all get along well!”

*

Except Hyukjae knew this kind of love usually never ended well, unfortunately.

*

Hyukjae remembers with a snort the way he immediately put defenses up around his heart as soon as Donghae walked in his life – and acted as if it didn’t affect him at all.

As if he was still in full control of his feelings.

As if a man he barely knew hadn’t just wrecked everything up in his mind in the ridiculously short span of a second.

As if the only sight of his smile spreading over his handsome features didn’t send millions of butterflies fluttering at the bottom of his stomach.

As if the fact that he only knew his name, and nothing else, didn’t pain him inside.

As if he wasn’t already so close to falling in love with a man he didn’t know at all.

*

But the amount of details he managed to gather about him in the short span of a week tauntingly rectified his argument.

Donghae was only a few months younger than Hyukjae and came from a modest family in Mokpo, whose accent would always show a little every time he got a bit too excited or frustrated over something. He had an older brother named Donghwa, who often came to Seoul with their mother so they could all meet together at least once a month. His father, however, had died of a cancer a few years before, which had prompted him to follow this choice of career since the latter had always wanted to do this kind of job.

Because he cares a lot for his family.

And also for his friends, Hyukjae quickly realized, when Sungmin fell sick with the flu after a rough week in the office, and that Donghae fretted over him all day long until he was sure that the latter had took all of his medicines.

He was a bit clumsy at times, often tripping over nothing when he would go to the toilets or dropping a cup of hot coffee all over the office carpet when he laughed too loudly with one of his coworkers. Technology also appeared to be his pet peeve, after he managed to break at least three of the office’s computers.

The next day, however, instead of getting scolded by the boss like anyone else would have been in this case, Kyuhyun was told to teach him how to properly use the programs so he could work a bit more comfortably.

Because whenever he made a mistake and that a crestfallen expression instantly erased the happy grin he usually harbored, and that he looked up at him with bright, round eyes that were literally begging not to get angry over him, Hyukjae simply couldn’t do anything.

At all.

Except staying away, until his feelings would finally disappear and only become a bad memory.

*

Hyukjae closed his eyes for a second and slowly breathed out, as he heard the new intern cheerfully talking to the working team he had been getting close to for the past three weeks. His voice was low and slightly husky, and sent long shivers to roll down Hyukjae’s back. The latter squirmed uncomfortably and quickly covered it up, putting his mask of professional indifference back on his face. All he had to do was keeping his emotions at bay and conceal them in a box at the bottom of his heart, just like he had been doing ever since he graduated from university a few years ago.

Pain was more trouble than love would ever be worth, and things had been going on so well for all this time – there were no legit reason that a certain Lee Donghae would change anything to this fact.

*

But now Hyukjae knows better, and grins earnestly as he recalls the cute frown that turned the corners of Donghae’s lips downwards when he realized that he was doing all his best to avoid him.

Stubbornness was a new word the Sales Manager learned about his new intern – and even now, a couple of years after everything, he still finds it as endearing as it had been the very first day.

*

“You don’t like me,” Donghae stated a month after his arrival in the company, a frown furrowing his eyebrows.

Although Hyukjae was surprised to hear his voice so early in the morning and erased of any traces of sleepiness, as it usually sounded for the whole morning unless he granted them a short coffee break, he didn’t let it show and only lifted his head up. Shifting his expression into an unreadable one and calming the familiar flutters of his heart, he straightened up in his chair and gave a polite look at the brunette.

“Excuse me?” he raised his eyebrows at him and feigned courteous surprise, while his hands unconsciously curled into tight fists on his desk. “What were you saying again, Mr. Lee?”

A brief glint of hesitation shined in