Frisson

A moment of intense excitement; an almost pleasurable sensation of fright.

For as long as I have been a porcelain doll, I have been peoples’ watcher. I can’t help it. I couldn’t. I am a doll. I will always watch and listen to a comer’s life and be fascinated by it, but never cooperate; ever, until he came along, my new owner, his name is Hyuk.

He has owned me for fifteen years now. Still, I realized I have more to learn about him as he grew from one stage of life to another. Hyuk just turned twenty-three, exactly one hour ago. You wouldn’t believe what presents he got for his birthday. Toys. Ones I’m not jealous of because they had no faces or shapes that can belong to the human tree, Like I, for example. Plus, Hyuk had hidden them deep under his clothes in the closet with a big blush on his face. He didn't like the newbies. But me? He kept me right beside his bed, and sometimes on top of it, for I was very special to him. He always tells me so.

Hyuk loved me. I wish I could return the feelings; unfortunately, I had no heart to give back. I can only let him love me.

Today’s my birthday. I’m not sure what were my friends thinking when they bought me toys. They knew I had no boyfriend. Well, Leo was my boyfriend, but if I’d told them they’d think I’m mad. “You’re my only boyfriend, right, Leo?”

Leo did not say anything. His soft, wavy hair dangled long by his shoulders. His emerald eye stared ahead, motionless. He was the size of a young boy, the age of five, but his body was man-like, only extremely dwarfed. He was a special request made only for me when I was eight. Leo was meant to represent my future manly features. At the time my hair was long so mummy decided to keep it that way. I knew it looked better on Leo so I chose to cut mine when I reached in middle school.

Leo frowned the first time he saw my freshly cut hair. I took him in my lap and cradled his cheeks but he wouldn’t smile at me. I tried to stretch the corners of his mouth upwards, but his plastic face was rigid and just wouldn’t change. He stayed that way for nearly a week. Luckily, my apologies and continuous assuring of me loving his physical appearance helped ease his sadness a bit. I told him that I liked long hair better on him. I told him that his look was perfect, mine was just… ugh, disgusting! He seemed to share the same thoughts for he finally laughed and brightened up again. From that day on, I and Leo were never separated. He was my own, little, magical doll.      

Leo never responded, though I knew about his magical powers. I was sure he thought I had already forgotten all about the varied facial expressions I’d seen on his perfect, plastic face. His emerald irises moving to watch me, though his face always stayed fixed, facing front. I’ve never forgotten. Won’t ever forget. And I’m keeping him in hopes that one day he would… slip again.

“LeoLeo, are you going to miss me? I’m going to Bejing for some time. It might be long, I’m not sure how long though, but it may exceed a month. Will you miss me?” I looked at my doll, nestled in my white sheets. Leo was as collected as ever. I frowned. “Maybe you’re not going to miss me at all. I don’t know when you became this cold.”

The cold between us extended as we stared into each other’s eyes—or, as I stared into his plastic, emerald eyes, just to be precise. For hours I haven’t count, I never took my eyes off his, he did the same, though completely without a choice.

“I can do that all night,” I told him. “Tomorrow’s my flight. You might never see me again, Leo.”     

Right at this moment, a moment of emotional crisis, his eyes flickered. His irises suddenly weren’t the same ones I’ve been looking at for the past six-and-so hours; the blacks of his eyes moved to stare into mine, and I saw my reflection move into their depth. That’s when I realized that he broke, he surrendered. I couldn’t believe he gave in. “Leo!” a scoff of disbelief was heard. I noticed it was my own after a second of yet devouring silence. “I knew it, Leo. I’ve known all along, doll,” shaking my head, I bit my lips to suppress a laugh. “You thought you could pretend forever, my magical, beautiful doll? Guess you can’t—”

I placed him carefully on the bed and continued to celebrate victory, by laughing it out. I couldn’t believe Leo had just slipped. In a moment of frisson he completely gave in. Pacing around the room with both hands covering my mouth, I continued to congratulate myself for my insistent and unrelenting. I kept thinking, what if I’d wavered… then I wouldn’t have been able to see what I just saw—him moving. Leo was alive. My plastic doll-boyfriend was truly alive.

I turned around and walked back to bed. I pull Leo in my lap and a big smile was splitting my face in half. “Leo, baby. I know you will continue to pretend. I want you to know that I won’t believe you—I’ve never actually believed your poor pretending. So stop this nonsense and let’s do this the right way. With no secrets, and no more plastic masks. For the past fifteen years, I’ve been doing all the talking.”

“Leo, please, don’t do this to me! Don’t do this to us.” I hadn’t realized I had started crying somewhere along the hour as time passed. Leo never responded. His almond eyes were now looking blank, not like how they had been earlier into the evening. Leo was pretending now, and he was doing a hell of good deeds of imitation. It was killing me.

“Leo, please.” I wept over his face, tears falling off my face to cascade down his. He was crying too now, or at least that’s how he looked like at the moment. I sniffed and brushed the tears off his perfectly, unstained face and kissed it. After that, I placed my doll aside. I think I was done playing for the night.

I placed him in his house and not on my bed for tonight ‘cause I won’t be able to cuddle him, for he made me cry. As I let go of his tummy, Leo emitted the cry of protest ‘Ma Ma’ because I was perhaps pressing too hard.

“I’m not your damn mama,” I said jokingly, just like I used to say years back, and laughed.

This time, my voice was broken, and for the rest of the night, I sat on my bed rocking back and forth as I broke down sobbing.

It wasn’t until I’d fallen to my side of exhaustion, with the whites of my eyes rolling the irises to the back of my head, until I heard his dollish voice say, “Happy 23rd birthday, Hyuk.” Within me, there was no power left to respond. A faded smile twitched the corners of my lips and I promised myself to come back to him as fast as I could. I know wouldn’t last a month without that buddy.  

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